OT: Friday tell a funny story open thread

Submitted by Moleskyn on July 12th, 2013 at 12:39 PM

We've had a jokes thread, we've had a funny gifs thread, now I want to hear your funny stories. They can be your own, jacked from the internet, whatever. 

For my participation, I'm just going to provide you a link to dontevenreply.com. If those don't make you laugh, there's something wrong with you.

Comments

B-Nut-GoBlue

July 12th, 2013 at 12:53 PM ^

I just received/opened a letter upon getting home from work last night from the State Revenue Dept. claiming I owe unpaid taxes and that they have me calculated making 1.75 times what I really make.....fffFFFFUUUUUUUU

Is this a "Help!" thread too?!

ijohnb

July 12th, 2013 at 12:56 PM ^

had just finished a smoke, the wacky kind, and of course made the decision that Taco Bell was needed to seal the deal.  We went to Taco Bell, placed a ridiculous order, went to the window, paid for our food, and drove back home.  It took us until we got home to realize that neither one of us had taken possession of said food.  We drove back to Taco Bell, pulled up, provided a very awkward explanation and after an extended period of silence we were instructed to pull up to the window.  At that time, a hand appeared out the window with a huge bag of Taco Bell hanging from it.  I grabbed the bag without making eye contact and went back home, this time with food.

TheBlueBaller

July 12th, 2013 at 4:37 PM ^

The guy two people in front of me paid with a $5 and when he got the change, told the lady that he paid with a 20, so she thought about it and gave him $15 more in change. The very next guy who was in front of me pulled the same move and got her again. Idiots.....

His Dudeness

July 12th, 2013 at 1:02 PM ^

In my younger years I was way more ballsy and drunk - mostly drunk - and I did risky things for laughs.

Story Time with Uncle Dudeness:

*I totally ripped this off from a Zach Galifinakis routine, but this is a true story:

At a local establishment in Grand Rapids, MI that I frequented I saw a man and woman talking at the bar. I would say I was in rare form but at that point in my life it was neither rare nor really a form, more of a drunken sweaty stupor. Anyway I noticed they arrived sperately and were very into what eachother were saying so I assumed either a first date or a very early in the relationship type of date - anyway... I run up between them and say "sorry" to the girl I turn to the guy and say "Do you have anymore of those roofies?"

His look was priceless.

He was just started saying "No... I ... Whaaa?... I don't even know that guy. I swear!"

I say "Shit, man." and walk back over to my friends before he even has a chance to get angry or know what really happened. My buddies still talk about that one to this day.

I was such an asshole back then.

His Dudeness

July 12th, 2013 at 2:23 PM ^

Yea I actually bounced at Flanagans for a little while.

Not sure who the Raggs guys are.

Too bad Flanagans sucks now. I know they did update their taps so that the draft beer doesn't smell like Bigfoots dick anymore, but it had been losing people for a while.

I still love it because many of my friends still work there.

 

mgobleu

July 12th, 2013 at 4:32 PM ^

Back 10 years ago, it was the only place that I could get what I thought was "a proper purple rain". Two of them would knock me on my ass, then an absolut & red bull would pick me back up. (damn, I drank some disgusting crap back then!) Funny story; the last time I was there, pop evil was playing, and the bass player shared my table WHILE he was playing. I could have (should have) slipped something in his drink right then and ended their reign of terror and awful music before they really got going. Sad part is, at the time they didn't have much original stuff and just doing covers, I thought they were pretty cool. So embarrassing.

oldcityblue

July 12th, 2013 at 1:08 PM ^

 On vacation out west recently, our family was caught in a wild wind storm that seemed to come out of nowhere. As the winds increased, we took shelter in an abandoned storefront to wait out the storm, all the while trying to get info. on our devices as to the nature and severity of this wild storm. All of a sudden, someone screamed just in time for all of us to witness a large shark flying through the air, biting madly as it descended upon a lone man weilding a chain saw. We all just stood in wonder as we watched as the two collided in a bloody carcass filled scene of chaos. That was the best vacation ever.

Feat of Clay

July 12th, 2013 at 1:10 PM ^

I don't know, I have this story about giving a nose hair trimmer as a Christmas gift to one's new husband, but it's kind of a had-to-be-there story.  TRUST ME IT WAS REAL FUNNY AT THE TIME

CorkyCole

July 12th, 2013 at 1:19 PM ^

I used to work with this chick who had a major crush on me. One night I decided to hang out with her despite the fact that I knew bad things could happen and could result in an awkward work situation, especially since I didn't find her as marriage material which means it would be more of a one and done situation. (Some of you might still question my hesitation, but when you have a career job and are looking to keep said career job, messing around with random chicks in the office is the worst thing you could do).

So I invite her over, we put on a movie, start talking... I decided that instead of making regretful decisions, I would just talk about making those regretful decisions with her and see how she reacted. Well.... let's just say I about got raped. I finally told her that she needed to go, and the night was over.

Get to work Monday morning (the event happened on a Friday night), and I look at my desk and there is a piece of paper sitting there which I did not leave on Friday. Now I knew this chick liked writing poetry, but I never really knew how much until I read what was written on that paper.

This poem was seriously the most provactive and sexually-explicit poem I had ever written, and it was sitting on my desk and was written about me. I nearly pooped my pants. She even signed off of the poem as "Wild Honey" if that paints any sorta picture. 

I still have the poem in a keepsake box, and my wife is even cool enough to not force me to burn it in the fireplace.

I would share the poem, but I have a feeling I'd get banned from here.

CorkyCole

July 12th, 2013 at 1:51 PM ^

When you read a poem written about you in sex language at work knowing that people constantly drop off stuff on your desk and could have noticed the poem and been curious enough to take a sneak peak at it, your potential reactions are endless.

I realize the hilarity of this story is found in the poem itself, so there might not be much of a reaction to my story at the moment, but it seriously is probably the most insane and perhaps proudest moment of my life.

If I get enough requests, I may post a snippet of it after I get home from work, which is in.. like... 4.5 hours.

CorkyCole

July 12th, 2013 at 2:10 PM ^

Alright, well if I was going to make up a story I probably wouldn't have gone the "poetry" route, which is completely random and ridiculous.

I will say that even if I did write this poem myself, I would still be commended for its greatness. It's THAT good.

And no, unfortunately I do not have it memorized. All I have burned in my head is "Wild Honey" and a few foreign words for her love maker.

I am beginning to regret sharing this story.

CorkyCole

July 12th, 2013 at 2:59 PM ^

OK, guys.... If I am banned for this, well, I hope it was worth it. I happened to find a copy in my sent email - something like this is just meant to be shared.

Here you go....

Midnight Cravings

By: Wild Honey

Ten minutes since I've gone
As I gently touch my lips
To find traces of your kisses
Burning through my fingertips
Quiet anguish in my yoni
Craving so much more than kiss
Throbbing passions overflowing
Refusing to be dismissed
The center of my thighs
Warming my bed tonight
Sanity and lust
Gearing up for a fight
I feel you in my arms
Your warm breath on my skin
Your body pressed against me
Tonight lust is going to win
It's been two hours since I left you
My thoughts are rampant with desire
The heat from my yearning
Setting my bed on fire
Visions in my mind
Of your fingers pressed into my skin
The beast of lust inside me
Trying to pull you in
Dampness on my skin
The heat seeping from my essence
It's my own fingers on my body
Sampling my wetness
Open flames on my body
Being stroked by my desire
The beast inside me is angered
Her needs now becoming dire
The beast inside me rumbles
Wanting to be set free
She's being flooded by my passions
Causing sanity to flee
My body writhes in anguish
Wanting your touch again
I accept the impossibility
So my anguish will have no end

.... see you in Bolivia