MGoBoard: Financial News

by Jim "Mad Man" Cramer

Ann Arbor, Michigan--

The asshole index is up on MGoBoard, and now would be a good time to invest - it will continue to rise throughout the month of December, as a general malaise besets the Michigan fan base.

The unemployment numbers are troubling, as rumors and conjecture about the Rich Rodriguez tenure have resulted in a selloff of recruiting futures and a run-up in Harbaugh options; expect the Wolverine Stock Market to hover somewhere between "Oh no, we're becoming Notre Dame" and "But we're Michigan!" over the coming weeks. Even the most wizened investor is likely to maintain a holding pattern in these times of uncertainty.

Meanwhile, the masses are restless. MGoBoard, suffering from an acute case of College Football Withdrawal (CFW), has devolved into a cesspool of snide commentary and douchebaggery. One poster, Timmy Timmons, said "This one guy didn't even read the posts from 10 hours ago so I negged him to Bolivian. His brother, Tommy "Repeat" Timmons, said "Yeah, this one guy didn't even read the posts from 10 hours ago so I negged him to Bolivian." When asked why they had been trolling the board for 10 hours, Tommy and Timmy pointed out that they don't have jobs because they live in Detroit.

Elsewhere on MGoBoard, nihilism: there are reports of posters complaining about worthless, vapid comments by posting their own worthless, vapid comments. Roving bands of posters attack every topic, like a band of desperate Indians circling a wagon train. Armed with plusses and minuses, they pass the time by posting the same pictures and GIFs over and over again, even when it has nothing to do with anything. MGoBoard, it seems, is anathema to MGoBoard. 

No longer the "Champions of the West," the Michigan fan base is assembling at the Western Front, located just East of Palo Alto, California. Unsure of what to do next, they have begun to attack each other. Somewhere, Touchdown Jesus is smiling (just not in South Bend).