Mascot Fight Night

Submitted by mikoyan on June 21st, 2011 at 11:29 AM

Since there was the other thread about the mascots fighting and someone starts to speculate about the results.  I figured that I would I would try to do it justice.

The setting:  An abandoned warehouse somewhere in Detroit.  The inside has been renovated so that it has a fighting pit and stands around the outside.  The noise of the crowd is loud as wagers are made back and forth and a cloud of smoke lingers in the air (This is an illegal fight ring...think they care about the smoking ban?).  People from all over the world have packed this warehouse/stadium to witness fights of a most bizarre nature.

A hush falls over the crowd as the announcer begins to speak.  "For our next series of fights, we have arranged for the various mascots of the Big 10 or 12 or whatever the hell they call themselves these days to fight it out.  This will crown the Big10 Mascot Champion."  The crowed erupts into a cheer and the announcer makes a hand motion for them to settle down.

"Through a series of rankings that is no less arbitrary than the BCS, we have decided that the wolverine should be the champion.  We have selected the order of the fights to be random...and our first challenger is...."

"...the Spartan.  The Spartan is an ancient warrior from Greece.  Their feats are legendary and have been immortalized in a few movies.  Currently, the Spartan stands as the mascot for Michigan State."  A few cheers come out from the crowd but those are soon drowned out by the boos from the rest of the corwd.  The announcer makes the husing motion again and the crowd quiets.

"And in this corner, we introduce an animal that really needs no introduction.  It is one of the most feared animals in the wild and has been known to chase bears off from kills.  They have taken down moose from a dead stop.  They have scaled mountains that have made mountain goats nervous.  In general a bad ass...".  The crowd erupts in cheers.

"...Ladies and Gentlemen, I bring you...the WOLVERINE!!!!".  The crowd goes wild and the wolverine enters the fighting pit, his paws outstretched in the air.  He does a couple fist pumps and then makes a feint towards the Spartan and the Spartan backs down.  The wolverine goes to his corner.

"Ladies and Gentlemen...Let the fight begin....."

The Spartan advances out of his corner and throws his spear towards the wolverine.  The wolverine deftly moves out of the way of the spear and the crowd goes wild.  Money exchanges hands quickly as the bets start to fly.  The wolverine goes over to the spear and grabs it in his mouth and bites it in half.  The Spartan goes wide eyed as he realizes his best weapon is now sawdust.

The wolverine lunges towards the Spartan and the Spartan raises his shield up and pushes the wolverine back harmlessly.  The wolverine looks at the Spartan, this is not going to be an easy fight and he scurries back to his feet for another lunge.  By this time, the Spartan has grabbed his sword and tries to parry the wolverine.  The wolverine grabs the sword in his mouth and bites that in half too.

The Spartan realizing he is out of options reaches for a dagger but the wolverine grabs on to his wrist and starts to gnaw at the skin and bone.  The Spartan howls out in pain and drops the dagger.  The wolverine then lashes out with his paws.....the Spartan reels back.  The wolverine goes for his finishing lunge, but the Spartan manages to block with his shield.  The wolverine stumbles back and then regains his footing.

This time, the wolverine leaps over the shield and grabs the Spartan by the neck.  A few shakes of the head and the Spartan is finished.  The wolverine emerges victorious....


Mr Mackey

June 21st, 2011 at 11:37 AM ^

I like it. it'll be a better fight when he has to face a Buckeye though. That shit can get stuck in his throat and be a serious annoyance.

btw,  this seems more like a diary

oriental andrew

June 21st, 2011 at 12:06 PM ^

This is just begging to be scripted...   I'll get you started with the images  ;)

Spartan vs. Wolverine!

Spartan enters the ring...


Wolverine enters the ring...

 Watch out, bub!!!

Umm, no, not you...

 Did somebody say my name?

Umm, no, not you, either...

 *yawn*  Sorry, I was hibernating.  

And remember, the winner takes on the Buckeye!


June 22nd, 2011 at 12:32 AM ^

A hush falls over the crowd as the wolverine stands over his vanquished foe.  The scene shifts up to the press box high atop of Mascot Fight Stadium.  Two announcers are sitting there with jaws agape.  One has a stupid looking mustache and appears to be wearing a Super Bowl Ring.  The other just looks stupid.

Matt:  Well there you have it, the Spartan was no match for the wolverine.  I thought the Spartan would put up a better fight being armed and all.

Joe B:  Blink.  Blink.  Derp.  Drool.

Matt:  Look, I don't have to take that from you, I ran a professional football team into the ground.  INTO THE GROUND I TELL YOU.  Anyways, what is our next fight.

Joe B:  Blink.  Blink.  Hoosier.

Matt:  What the f*** is a Hoosier?

Joe B:  Drool...You say on TV.

Matt:  I can say whatever I want....Let's go back down to the pit to hear the announcement.

The announcer lowers his arms indicating that the crowd should quiet down.   A hush falls over the crowd and the announcer speaks, "Our next challenger is the...".  A man rushes up to the announcer with an envelope.  The announcer opens it and reads it.  'Well, it seems that the Hoosier has our next challenger is Purdue Pete...."

Back up to the booth:

Matt:  A helmet and hammer, are you f***in' kiddin' me?  The wolverine mauled the Spartan and he had a shield....this match should be over...

Back to the pit:

"Let the fight begin".  The wolverine comes out of his corner and stalks towards Pete.  Pete takes one look at the wolverine and runs out of the pit.  The wolverine wins by default.

.....and so it goes until we get to the Badger.   With no weapons to speak of, Herbie Husker was no match for the wolverine.  Chief Illiniwek put up about as much fight as the Spartan but the wolverine emerge unscathed.  The Golden Gopher presented a little challenge as the wolverine had to change tactics from fighting humans to fighting animals but the Gopher went down.  The Wildcat was a tough fight but the wolverine won on points.  The wolverine used his experience against the Wildcat to take down the Nittany Lion quickly.  The Hawk presented more of a challenge as it could fly and peck at the wolverine.  The wolverine picked up a piece of Spartan's spear and shot the hawk down, making the fight easier.

A hush falls over the crowd as the anticipated match comes up.  "Can anyone defeat the wolverine?"  The announcer asks and the crowd goes wild.  "Well, this may be our most even match of the even as the wolverine squares off against the badger"

"Can the badger live up to the hype?", the announcer asks the crowd again.  "They are about as mean and vicious as the wolverine...And now I present the badger."

The badger steps out into the pit and sniffs the air.  The crowd cheers as the wolverine comes out on the pit.  The badger snarls at the wolverine and the wolverine snarls back.  And the fight begins.  The badger being fresh to the even and having watched the wolverine's tactics decides to go for the quick attack and lunges at the wolverine with his teeth.  The wolverine deftly dodges this attack and takes a swipe at the badger with his claws.

The claws land on the badger  causing him to howl in pain a bit.  But he doesn't otherwise seem phased as he swipes back at the wolverine.  The two animals start to circle around the pit sizing each other up and looking for a weakness.  Next thing you know they go at it so fast that a swirl of dust emerges around them.  You growling, the gnashing of teeth and the clattering of claws.  Some blood emerges from the cloud and when the dust settles a battered wolverine emerges victorious.

And our last challenger of the evening....

The buckeye....

The buckeye rolls into the center of the ring and the wolverine stares at it confused.  The crowd stares at it confused.  The announcer looks confused.  The wolverine approaches it, sniffs and goes to the side to grab Purdue Pete's hammer and smashes it.

And our victor is: