Martha Stewart officially destroys tailgating

Submitted by Blazefire on October 26th, 2012 at 12:34 PM

[ED:BISB - Changed title to avoid gender war, which the women would win because they have better attention spans and the ability to turn any argument into a slightly different argument that they can win]

Edit: I suppose I should clarify, becuase we have some excellent women on this board. Women that read Martha Stewart Magazine and save Good Housekeeping's for years so that they don't forget that "cute christmas wrap idea" have officially ruined tailgating. The rest of you may go about your business.

Link taken from EDSBS. http://westport.patch.com/blog_posts/the-backyard-family-tailgater-throw-a-true-southern-tailgater-for-the-whole-family

No, dammit. No, no, no, no, no. A tailgate is not a time to go all Martha Stewart. It is not a time to plan a fall afternoon of "activities". There are three activities at a tailgate. Eat, Drink and watch/listen to football while waiting for the game to start.

DAMMIT, Women! This is why we can't have nice things!

This, this is what you are envisioning.

This is not a tailgate. It is a fall dinner party. Schedule it for any day but Saturday, and we men will happily attend, make polite chatter, and then recuse ourselves to the basement/den to wath baseball or preseason NBA games while you do your prattling.

This...

Beer, chips, meat, chairs and football. LEAVE IT THE HELL ALONE, DAMN YOU!

Sincerely,

Guy who had his last football Saturday ruined by a group of women who complained he wasn't "participating". I had my beer and my eyes on the TV. That is how you participate in a damned tailgate! Not by doing the friggin christmas name-draw!

</ huffiness>

Comments

Mabel Pines

October 26th, 2012 at 2:33 PM ^

5 minutes of work is outrageous.  I've got it made being a stay at home mom.  My job improved dramatically once the third child headed off to Kindergarten.  Sadly, now I have just discovered how lazy I actually am.

The 12 hour waiting period I was referring to was for poorly titled threads, not your response.  I can imagine sometimes people start a thread and then ten minutes later they think,"D'oh!". 

Wendyk5

October 26th, 2012 at 6:21 PM ^

Was that video a response to not getting any in high school? 

 

Edit: Now that I think about it, if he had been smarter, he would have known that making girls look stupid is no way to endear himself to dumb girls and smart girls alike. So while trying to make himself look smart by making girls look dumb, he missed the opportunity that other, nicer boys who, instead of spending time making girls look dumb, were spending time getting laid. Make sense? 

Owl

October 26th, 2012 at 6:35 PM ^

No, because jerks have exponentially better chances at getting laid. A friend of mine actually turned that into an experiment. All I'll say is that the hypothesis had remarkable predictive ability and that he's dedicated the past year and a half to expanding his sample size. 

MaizeAndBlueWahoo

October 26th, 2012 at 10:28 PM ^

No offense, but no.  You may gravitate toward nice guys, and think that therefore men should find it easier to get girls by being nice, but it doesn't work that way.  Being nice has landed me, and by and large most of my friends, in second place, every single time.  No girl or woman I've ever wanted to sleep with, date, marry, or otherwise be in some kind of relationship with has ever responded positively to coming on nice.  They think they do, but they don't.  Getting wasted and slapping on a nametag with my pornstar name on it, however?  Go figure.

Wendyk5

October 26th, 2012 at 11:41 PM ^

You know how men say they don't understand women? They're right. You're mistaking confidence and surehandedness for dickishness. I guess there are women out there who mistake those two things as well. But the female fantasy isn't to sleep with an asshole. The female fantasy is to be  with a guy who isn't a metrosexual pussy but a caveman who will throw you down but then offer to do your laundry, a guy who will be genuinely kind to some homeless person on the street, one who will talk to your mother on the phone in a really endearing way even when he doesn't want to. Seriously, when you figure out that we want a good dose of testerone laced with good guy kindness, the oyster will open up for you. 

 

I noticed you were upvoted to the max. Probably all by guys. 

 

Edit: And I say this respectfully and with the intention of helping you (plural - all guys). 

 

And I also agree with the premise of this thread, re: Martha Stewart. She's ruined a lot of things, but I do love the fact that she spent time in the clink. 

Owl

October 27th, 2012 at 2:45 AM ^

I was going to leave this alone because honestly it's not that important, but something about this post annoys me. Not sure what it is though, it's a pretty benign post.

She's not right, at all. Women's motivations and desires are irrelevant (to this discussion, not in general). We were discussing the most successful strategy for getting women to sleep with you, not how they feel about it. In terms of pure, dispassionate numbers, the jerk wins nearly every time (all else being equal). If you want to argue that this isn't the most fulfilling path for either party, perhaps you have a point. That wasn't what we were talking about though. Being a jerk works. It just does, I'm sorry. Even if it IS just women mistaking jerk for confidence, it still works and that's what matters for the discussion.

Also, I believe her when she says she offered her "advice" respectfully. Still was super annoying though becuase in doing so she framed things as her educating the poor clueless brutes, when in reality she was arguing a straw man. 

/Rant.  I need to go to bed and stop posting here after drinking. This was super off topic for this blog. So, uh.. Go Blue?  

Wendyk5

October 27th, 2012 at 8:07 AM ^

I'm sorry if I sounded like I know it all. I actually come here to MGoBlog to talk football, not male female dynamics. But when they do come up, and they did even before the video was posted (which is what prompted this whole thing), there's always guys who talk about women like we're all the same. Not all guys do this, but there are always some. And that's super annoying. I see your point, in the whole idea that women like bad boys, but there's more to it. It is nuanced. 

 

And yes, Go Blue! 

MaizeAndBlueWahoo

October 27th, 2012 at 10:09 AM ^

It is nuanced, yes.  The problem is this: Guys do not pick up on nuance very well.  At all.  We understand "yes" and "no."  (Some don't understand "no" but we're talking about normal guys here, not rapists.)  Women have the right to be annoyed that men don't "get them" and talk about women as if they're all the same.  But if you're gonna do that, please allow men a little frustration with the attitude that guys don't get women, combined with the simultaneous expectation for us to pick up on all that nuance.  Rather than letting it come down to which approach is best for talking to/meeting/sleeping with girls, guys really, really do appreciate it when women are clear about how they feel BEFORE it comes down to trying to decide whether to be a jerk or be nice.

Also, to stay more on topic, please stop appropriating guy things and putting doilies on them kthxbai.  The reason this thread exists is because guys honestly can't fathom the workings of a brain that wants to do this.  We don't say to each other, "you know what would be awesome?  a baby shower, but with beer!"

Also also Go Blue.

Wendyk5

October 27th, 2012 at 11:41 AM ^

I don't get the doily thing, either. And as far as saying men don't get us, I'm only responding to this thread, which is essentially...."why do women have to be like this?"  I agree that men and women are really different. I'm a former advertising copywriter and I used to write McDonald's commercials. I once wrote a spot where a guy is at McDonald's and calls his girlfriend to see if she wants anything. She tells him, "You know what I like." And he freaks because all he thinks about is baseball statistics. He has no idea what she likes (or thinks, or feels). It was totally based on my huband and it was done tongue in cheek (and in the spot, he ends up ordering the entire Dollar Menu and offering each item up to her to see which one she grabs).  So yeah, I get that men are simpler. I get frustrated with women, too. 

willywill9

October 28th, 2012 at 10:23 AM ^

I see both points.  In HS and in early college the jerks won out.  But, like you suggest, you learn to not really focus on being a jerk, but you learn to play the game like you've got "nothing to lose" so to speak.  Not to say you don't "care" about the girl, but you just be confident, funny, and don't give her your undivided attention (aka don't sweat her), and things typically work out.

At least that's my approach.

 

CreepAlert

October 27th, 2012 at 3:12 AM ^

Rationale: Pseudoscience {see term: "exponentially better chances at getting laid"} driven by anecdotal experience with stereotypical Pick-Up Arist {PUA} mentality {see "expanding his sample size."}

Suggestion: Do not state as fact that which is opinion, and degrading to women on the assertion that they are as a whole more likely to sleep with a "jerk." It is best to treat people as the individuals that they are, rather than predictable as a result of one defining characteristic such as gender. 

Owl

October 27th, 2012 at 3:26 AM ^

The language reflected a poor attempt at humor/ expanding on a metaphor rather than a genuine Pick-Up Artist mentality. Your point is received though, and it is a legitimate one. My language was... regrettable. Come on though, people are predictable for a whole host of reasons. And I disagree that the observation that women are more likely to sleep with jerks is degrading to women because I didn't go on to speculate why I thought that was. Actually, I DO agree that it's because it's sometimes easy to mistake for confidence, and I think that people of all genders are generally pretty bad at making decisions that will make them most happy in life.

His Dudeness

October 26th, 2012 at 1:51 PM ^

If you plan a wedding for a late summer/early fall Saturday I will I will hunt you down. I will find you. And I will kill you.

Most likely I will just see you at the wedding complain and punch you in the balls a few times.

MGlobules

October 26th, 2012 at 1:59 PM ^

unofficially, of course. 

EDIT: she does kinda lose sight of where the "tailgate" in tailgate comes from, but I forgive her. Anyone who wants to enliven your football festivities rather than tell you you are exposing your eight-year-old daughter to violence (aherm) is headed in the right direction. 

Bando Calrissian

October 26th, 2012 at 2:08 PM ^

Someone needs to find a scan of the brochure Don Canham sent out all over the state in 1969 pitching Michigan season tickets, because if memory serves, it features pictures that are essentially that era's version of Martha Stewart Living.  Canham wanted the women to buy in, and in order to do that, he needed to pitch the fancy tailgate and family fun angle so the husband could go to his football game.

Yes, you read that correctly.  What you know and love as the Michigan football 100k every game, tailgating extravaganza was built on a pitch to women and a full slate of domestic activities (including a football game) on a Saturday afternoon.

ChuckWood

October 26th, 2012 at 2:22 PM ^

Unless Martha Stewart has a large truck in her backyard, a tailgate is simply impossible.  And therefore, discredits her entire "tailgating" strategy.

Wisconsin Wolverine

October 26th, 2012 at 2:35 PM ^

I'm afraid you guys might be overlooking the very best part of this article - the comments section.  here's how The South views an 'authentic' tailgate:

"Start talking about the tailgate party the week before. Argue over beers on TU, WED and TH, especially during the ESPN TH game of the week.

Saturday arrives.

8 AM - first of the 50 people who will be at the party arrive. With Cigars. 
810 am - first beer and /or mimosa or bourbon 
900 AM - bourbon and cokes accompany the grilled breakfast items, including large slabs of extra thick bacon, lots of coffee, eggs, sausage and someone's leftover deer meat from hunting the week prior 
1000AM- someone sets up not one but THREE TVs to watch gameday. 
1000 - start the smoker for the 2 boston butts you will grill - each weighs 10 pounds. 
Noon - wife and GFs arrive. clean up breakfast, start preparing for lunch 
1230 - put slabs of ribs on the grill 
100 PM- the uppity guy from the good southern fraternity puts pork loin on the grill. 7 pounder. 
100-300- arguments ensue over ACC quality. GF argues that Duke's WR's could 'torch' WVA's dbacks. Since she went to Alabama she will of course know their names andhometowns.

100-330 - Games commence - beer pong, lots of solo cups, bean bag toss.

DID I MENTION NO ONE EVER MAKES A DAMN QUESADILLA AT A SOUTHERN TAILGATE???

330 CBS game of the week- since it's a SOUTHERN TAILGATE - it will be an SEC game ..with the auxiliary TVs showing Big 12 game and maybe a reigonal SEC tilt.

330-7PM - lots of eating, sides including mac and cheese, home made southern beans, a fried side or three, shots of Crown Royal. Little kids get sent inside since the REAL SOUTHERN TAILGATE HAS STARTED.

 

500-700PM - beer run at halftime, more bourbon, someone you trust has arrived with tequila.

7PM /dark - You are in CT so we here in the south appreciate that it's dark there by 515 pm ... bring out the fire ring, put wood on.

730 PM game- the SEC game is usually at 730 or 8 AND there is a game on a 9 pm ... watch them ALL.

730 - Someone refires up the grill since a guy from Texas A and M has arrived with 5 packs of bratwursts.

9 PM- police arrive, you lower the sound, end the beer pong game.

10 PM- the front yard looks like a tornado hit it. Time to grill dessert- arguments ensue, you start planning the next week.

 

1130 PM - the last of the lightweights has left.

12 midnight- College Football Final is now on, ESPN. Pizzas arrive. Wives leave the inside of the house (the ones from the PAC 12 schools who married SEC grads), and come outside to sit by the fire and eat pizza with left over boston pork butt thrown on slices.

1230-130 - Someone finds an old DVD of (1)a classic rivalry game (2)a spring game (3)It's not the DVD, it's the damn replay of the game we saw at noon!

So you drink some more. ONE person suggests making a quesadilla, so he gets pants'd. Last of the 10 bratwursts are cut up and put on a paper plate, served caviar style to the remaining stalwarts.

130-200 - lights out. Bring TVs in, leave the rest as is til the morning, It can wait, your team has won.

 

there you have it TRUE SOUTHERN TAILGATE.

NO QUESADILLAS. EVER."

mGrowOld

October 26th, 2012 at 5:17 PM ^

All I know is that the quality, quantity and variety of food we serve at our tailgate improved 10 fold once my current wife started attending.  My practice wife hated football and hated the tailgate and never went, much less make anything thereby resulting in boring food choices.   The avatar, on the other hand, LOVES to cook and spends most of Friday making stuff for us to bring.

CreepAlert

October 27th, 2012 at 3:25 AM ^

Rationale: Objectification. {see terms "practice wife," "The avatar"}

Suggestions: A wife is a person, and as such should not be described as "practice," nor as "the avatar," which is a representation of an object. Better terms would include: "former wife," and "the woman pictured in my avatar, who also happens to be my current wife," or simply, "my current wife."