Favorite Buckeye Jokes

Submitted by psychomatt on September 16th, 2009 at 6:41 PM

I know this was done at least once before, but it was awhile ago and I just re-watched the HBO special on the Michigan-OSU rivalry and the jokes at the end made me laugh. I particularly like the one about the kids in third grade:

Q: A Michigan kid and an Ohio kid are in the third grade. Who is bigger?

A: The Ohio kid. He is 16.



September 16th, 2009 at 7:10 PM ^

An oldie but goodie:

An OSU alum and a UM alum are standing next to each other in the men's room. The UM grad finishes first and heads for the door. The OSU grad says, "At the Ohio State University, they teach us to wash our hands after we use the bathroom."

Unimpressed, the UM alum says, "At the University of Michigan, they teach us not to piss on our hands."



September 16th, 2009 at 7:32 PM ^

You'll have to forgive me if I mess this up but i tried to remember it to the best of my memory.

A car rear ends another on a back country road. The driver who caused the accident gets out of the car and starts to apologize when he notices the other driver is an OSU Alum. He then states he is a Michigan alum and they start to argue. Finally the Michigan alum goes to the back of his car and pulls out a bottle of Jack Daniels and states they should bury the hatchet and start anew while they wait for the cops and the tow truck to come. The OSU alum thinks for a minute and then agrees. The Michigan man states that it would be only right for the OSU fan to take the first drink since he was the one who was hit. The OSU alum thanks him and proceeds to chug half the bottle. He wipes his mouth and offers the bottle back. At that time the Michigan fan takes the bottle and chucks it way off the road and tells him that drinking and driving is a hell of a mistake one should stay away from.
Go Blue


September 16th, 2009 at 7:45 PM ^

Punch line mega fail.

The joke is told correctly as follows:

A Michigan fan and Ohio State fan are in a car accident. They get out of their cars, but instead of arguing, the Michigan fan apologizes and says, "My fault. I'm really sorry." The Ohio State fan says, "No no, I wasn't paying attention. It's my fault." The Michigan fan says, "You know, it's great that a Michigan fan and Ohio State fan can get over their differences like this. I have an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in the trunk. Let's open it and drink to friendship and cooperation." The Ohio State fan agrees, and so the Michigan fan pours him a large stiff drink, which the Ohio State fan promptly downs in one swig. But the Michigan fan doesn't have one, and the Ohio State fan says, "Aren't you going to have one too?" Michigan fan says, "No, I think I'll wait til after the cops show up."

Better joke:

Why don't they have ice on the sidelines at Ohio State games? The guy who had the recipe graduated.


September 16th, 2009 at 7:39 PM ^

Buckeye walks into the Varsity Club the night before The Game and says to the Bartender, “I’m feeling good about tomorrow and I want a beer – but nothing from St. Louis or Milwaukee.”

Bartender says, “Between you and me and the bar stool, the best beer I got in the house is a smooth pale lager – smuggled in from across the border.” Then he whispers, “It’s Wolverine Beer. Wanna try it?”

Buckeye immediately goes livid. “You’re outta your mind! Last time I tipped back a Wolverine I couldn’t stop till the tenth one. Then I went home blew chunks!”

Bartender says, “Dude, you put back ten of anything and you’re gonna feel wrong.”

Buckeye says, “You don’t understand. Chunks is my Rottweiler.”


September 16th, 2009 at 7:45 PM ^

Reading this blog for years, but finally registered for this thread so I could post the only joke I know.

Q: How many OSU students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but he gets 3 credits for it.


September 16th, 2009 at 7:45 PM ^

A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Buckeye joke?" The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am an Ohio State Graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2," 225 lbs. and he is an Ohio State Graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also an Ohio State Graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?" The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times"

Two Ohio State football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. "Two months?!" exclaimed the bartender. The Buckeye proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4 - 6 years!"

Ok last one for now:
Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan. As they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp. "Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did. "You will each get one wish," said the genie. Jim offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Ohio so that none of those stupid Michiganians can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!" The genie grants the wish to Jim and
he is instantly whisked away to his new paradise. The genie now tells Lloyd he'll grant him one wish. Lloyd says, "Fill it up with water."


September 16th, 2009 at 7:54 PM ^

but I like it regardless...

A buckeye fan and spartan fan are walking through the woods when they come across a set of tracks.
"Those are deer tracks" states the buckeye fan.
"Clearly, those are from a dog" argues the spartan fan.
"No way, definitely from a deer"
"You're crazy, those are dog tracks"
"deer", "dog", "deer", "dog" they argued.
Finally a train hit them.


September 16th, 2009 at 8:39 PM ^

When Bo got to heaven St. Peter met him immediately and said, "God would like to see you!". He followed St. Peter and saw God standing with Woody Hayes. God said "now that you're both here, I want to show you where you'll be spending all eternity." He takes them to the first place and it's a beautiful home all decked out in Scarlett and Grey. Everything an Ohio State fan would want. Woody looks across the street and notices a house 3 times the size of his full of Maize and Blue. Woody asks God "Why does Bo get a house that so much bigger?" God replied "That's my house..."


September 16th, 2009 at 9:05 PM ^

Did you hear about the power outage at Ohio State's library?
~A dozen students were stuck on the escalator for several hours.

Did you hear about the fire at Ohio State's library?
~Both books were destroyed. And what's worse, one of them hadn't even been colored in yet.

Chunks the Hobo

September 16th, 2009 at 9:26 PM ^

Q: How do you make Ohio State cookies?
A: Put them in a big bowl and beat for three hours.

Q: Did you hear about the bus full of OSU fans that got hit by a train?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why do OSU students wear hats all the time?
A: So they know which end to wipe.

Q: What do you get when you drive through Columbus really slow?
A: A degree.

Q: How many pallbearers are needed for a Buckeye funeral?
A: Two: One for each of the garbage can's handles.

Q: What's the difference between Ohio State's football stadium and a porcupine?
A: With the stadium, all the pricks are on the inside.

Q: You're stranded on a deserted island with three people: a cannibal, a mass murderer, and a guy in an Ohio State hat. You have a gun with only two bullets remaining. Whom do you shoot?
A: The Ohio State guy. Twice.

Alt version:

Q: You're stranded on a deserted island with a disgusting pedophile, a violent thug, and an Ohio State fan. You have a gun with only two bullets remaining. Whom do you shoot?
A: What's the dilemma? It's all the same dude.


September 16th, 2009 at 10:55 PM ^

(act like someone's said a "too soon" type of joke)

Didn't you hear about [insert name of random OSU LB]? The guy almost died, have some respect [yada yada] He was horseback riding and fell off... he would've been trampled to death if the Walmart greeter didn't pull the plug in time.

probably doesn't translate well through the internets, but oh well.


How do you keep Ohio State's football team off your lawn?
Paint it to look like an SEC endzone.


September 16th, 2009 at 11:09 PM ^

A first grade teacher in Columbus asked all her students that were Buckeye fans to raise their hands. Everyone in the room except one little boy raised his hand.
"Young man, if you're not a Buckeye fan, what are you?"
"Im a Wolverine fan."
The teacher then asked why.
"Well, my dad is a Wolverine fan, my mom is a Wolverine fan, so I'm a Wolverine fan!"
"Just because your parents are Wolverine fans doesn't mean you have to be. What if you Mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot?"
"Then I'd be a Buckeye fan!"


September 17th, 2009 at 1:22 AM ^

So there's an expedition to Mount Everest and representatives from all of the Big Ten schools go.

Once they get to the top, the representative from Northwestern goes "Wow, it's really great that a guy from my school has made it all of the way here and I have to show the world my love for Northwestern," so he shouts "Go Wildcats!" at the top of his lungs and the noise echos off of the mountains and travels a great distance.

Then, the representative from Michigan State, in a drunken stupor, pushes the guy from Northwestern aside and goes off on a tangent about how nobody cares about Northwestern and how Michigan State is the best school in the Big Ten and how he's finally going to one-up the Wolverines one and for all. So he takes a running start and throws himself off of the side of the mountain, screaming "SPARTY ON!" as he plummets to his death.

After this stunning display, everybody looks at the representative from Michigan, wondering how he's going to preserve Michigan's honor. Finally, the Michigan guy shouts "GO BLUE!" and pushes the representative from Ohio State off of the side of the mountain.