Deep Thoughts

Submitted by BornInAA on
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey If a MSU player commits an altercation and the Freep doesn't report it - did it happen? One cannot catch a tiger by tail - but how can one catch a tiger with tail? Discuss Amongst Yourselves
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MSU beatdown
out of the woods

MH20

December 2nd, 2009 at 10:00 PM ^

"If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness." "I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, 'Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?' or 'Do you have that $50 you borrowed?' Man, quit being so cheap!" "Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see."

Joined: 10/30/2008

MGoPoints: 40592

jmblue

December 2nd, 2009 at 10:24 PM ^

Not counting the mosquito (which obviously wins because of malaria), it's the hippo. I had no idea about this. The water buffalo and rhino are not too far behind. All the carnivores are way down the list.

Joined: 11/07/2008

MGoPoints: 102728

imdwalrus

December 2nd, 2009 at 10:20 PM ^

"I remember that one fateful day when Coach too me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought, something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on."

Joined: 10/31/2009

MGoPoints: 797

wlvrine

December 2nd, 2009 at 10:23 PM ^

I promised my kids I would take them to Disney World. They were so excited. It was not until later that I realized I did not have the money to take them to Disney World. I struggled to find a way to break it to them. Then one day as we were driving home from the store I saw a factory complex burning to the ground and I said...Hey kids, look, thats Disney World.

Joined: 09/25/2008

MGoPoints: 1702

STW P. Brabbs

December 3rd, 2009 at 6:32 AM ^

Did you adapt yours to the Current Economic Climate? Here's the real version: One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old, burned-down warehouse. "Oh no!" I said, "Disneyland burned down!" He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. EDIT: Oops - someone already posted the correct version below. Oh well ... it's a good one.

Joined: 08/27/2008

MGoPoints: 3835

Black Socks

December 2nd, 2009 at 10:25 PM ^

"I think that in wrestling, sudden uncontrollable urination should not disqualify you" My favorite from Handy

Joined: 11/30/2009

MGoPoints: 14363

MH20

December 2nd, 2009 at 10:59 PM ^

Ty Webb: Let me tell you a little story. I once knew a guy who could have been a great golfer, could have gone pro, all he needed was a little time and practice. Decided to go to college instead. Went for four years, did pretty well. At the end of his four years, his last semester he was kicked out... You know what for? He was night putting, just putting at night with the fifteen-year-old daughter of the Dean... You know who that guy was Danny? Danny Noonan: No. Ty Webb: Take one good guess. Danny Noonan: Bob Hope? Ty Webb: Ha ha... No, that guy was Mitch Comstein, my roommate. He was a good guy.

Joined: 10/30/2008

MGoPoints: 40592

Mr Noodle

December 2nd, 2009 at 11:32 PM ^

"I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint."

Joined: 07/23/2009

MGoPoints: 97

orillia

December 3rd, 2009 at 12:06 AM ^

Meetings-Because none of us is as dumb as all of us. or I cried because I had no shoes- then I met a man who had no feet, so I beat the holy crap out of him. Turns out I'm Lack-toes intolerant. Who knew?

Joined: 07/22/2008

MGoPoints: 562

Geaux_Blue

December 3rd, 2009 at 12:18 AM ^

“Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.”

Joined: 01/25/2009

MGoPoints: 24096

FormerWolv

December 3rd, 2009 at 12:19 AM ^

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. “Oh, no,” I said. “Disneyland burned down.” He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. —Jack Handey

Joined: 08/30/2009

MGoPoints: 3377

outwest

December 3rd, 2009 at 1:12 AM ^

STUPIDITY Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win AND never quit are idiots. WHINING If you expect to score points by whining, join a European soccer team QUALITY The race for quality has no finish line- so technically, it's more like a death march. DARE TO SLACK When birds fly in the right formation, they need only exert half the effort. Even in nature, teamwork results in collective laziness.

Joined: 09/24/2009

MGoPoints: 1734

BlueFanInWI

December 3rd, 2009 at 11:39 AM ^

"To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks."

Joined: 10/21/2009

MGoPoints: 1

aawolve

December 3rd, 2009 at 11:59 AM ^

"I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes." "I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it." "When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." " If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason." "If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas, because that's what he's getting." "The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face." "I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it." "If there were two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins more? I bet you'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? But you would be wrong. It's Hambone." "Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?!" "As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable- until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!!" — Jack Handey @ http://www.deepthoughtsbyjackhandey.com/ Sorry, I get pretty worked up over Mr. Handey's work.

Joined: 08/06/2008

MGoPoints: -1649