The Coaching Search: A Parody

Submitted by Humen on January 10th, 2011 at 12:29 AM

Arguably the most tradition-rich program in the nation, Michigan should leave no slippery rock unturned in its return to prosperity. It is for this reason that I choose to examine some of the lesser-known candidates. In addition, most people on this board are currently barking mad and could use a step back from the Heath Ledger. Without further ado, a list of unworthy candidates!


Charlie Weis

Experience: Offensive Coordinator Jets/Patriots, Notre Dame Head Coach, Your local buffet.

Pros: Weis would put Michigan on the map. Literally.

Cons: University is not big enough for both him and Barwis, but mostly him.

Interest: Rumors claim that his dream job is to consume a collegiate offensive line.

Little known fact: Once sued doctors who performed a gastric bypass on him and lost.

Outlook: Probably the best candidate on this list. Wow.



John L. Smith

Experience: Head Coach of Idaho, Utah State, Louisville, and Michigan State.

Pros: His special teams unit at Arkansas came close to icing a game against Ohio State.

Cons: Known for giving away games against Ohio State.

Interest: Telling people to "snap out of it"

Little Known Fact: Climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro and ran with the bulls.

Outlook: Would likely continue current status of the program. Seasons would begin on high notes and end with suicide notes. Hopefully that would represent a decline, but I don't know anymore.


Joe Paterno

Experience: Attained "tenure" as Head Coach of Penn State

Pros: Big name, iconic coach who has a proven track record of occasional success.

Cons: The shock of receiving the offer and the ferocity of the response will definitely kill him.

Interest: Calling recruits to inform them that he is still alive.

Little Known Fact: Died three years ago.

Outlook: Poor. Paterno is likely to have trouble noticing that Denard Robinson exists, considering the speed of his movement. On a positive note, he would (in this hypothetical situation) deny his request for transfer.


Kirk Herbstreit

Experience: Midwest connections, Predicting Les Miles to Michigan

Pros: Would finally have inside information on Michigan's next coach

Cons: Would probably still announce Miles to Michigan

Interest: Ohio State, eating Musburgers, secret Les Miles infatuation.

Little Known Fact: Aspires to have the hair of GERG

Outlook: Destined to become the Lou Holtz circa ESPN of Michigan. Will predict Michigan to win twenty national titles in sixteen years, or some shit.


Speaking of...


Greg Robinson

Experience: Great hair and hides a gut like a true professional.

Pros: A Michigan man of the coaching pedigree of Rodriguez

Cons: Likely costed Rodriguez a job and fueled the fire of this coaching change chaos

Interest: Collecting tears of distraught Michigan fans

Outlook: Robinson just can't be as bad as he was at Michigan. Was it the result of being underpaid? Was it the schematic conflict with Rich? He sure does look good though. Should make silver fox cubs with Anderson Cooper.