Appeasing the Hockey Gods/Drinking Thread

Submitted by JimLahey on April 8th, 2011 at 6:42 PM

This may seem ridiculous to some, but it is real. Anyone who has played high-level hockey is well aware of the hockey gods. They reward piety. Piety in the form of being a "beauty". A beauty is a hockey player who is pious. The opposite of being a beauty is being soft.

If we want to win tomorrow, I ask that all Mgobloggers do their part in appeasing the hockey Gods. Please do some or all of the following.

- Get a tin chewing tobacco, finish it all tonight.

- In between lippers, get on the liquor hard. Whiskey is best.

- If you go out with friends, the one who makes the biggest idiot of himself is the biggest beauty....passing out before midnight, getting kicked out of drinking establishments, and being slapped by girls are all pious acts.

- If you are at a bar, find the hottest girl in there and tell her to her face that you've seen better looking bitches at Michael Vick's house. If her boyfriend intervenes, turn to her and say "you can do better", then walk away. Extra points if the boyfriend gets so mad the bouncers make him leave.

- Get one of your friends so drunk he can't tell the difference between girls who are attractive and ones who are ugly. Introduce him to the biggest donkey at the bar and hopefully they hit it off. When he turns to you and says "man i'm drunk I can't tell, shes pretty hot right?" Just nod confidently and assure him that she is "at least a hard 7, nothing to be ashamed of." Do nothing to stop him. This will provide constant jokes for years to come.

- Drunk dial every ex-girlfriend on your contact list with nothing in particular to say, just let the liquor do the talking.

- If nothing fun is going on, or your friends are being soft: sitting at home alone and finishing a bottle of whiskey, a tin of chewing tobacco, and playing video games/watching trailer park boys is entirely acceptable.

Extra points if:

- You have to work early tomorrow and you still make it in

- You have an encounter with the police and get off with nothing but a warning

- You don't realize where you are when you wake up.

- You can get the girl out of your house within 5 minutes of her waking up and without ever learning her name. (give her cab money if she needs it though.)

Gents, these are longstanding traditions passed down to me from some great hockey players, and some current ones from all levels, including the NHL. Let us all do our part. The night is young. Best of luck.

Comments

Geaux_Blue

April 8th, 2011 at 7:26 PM ^

and riot while were at it. Hell, let's rename the board Huron River Message Board and claim we all could've gone to Harvard with scholarships if we wanted but chose UM bc it's less arrogant

bleedzblue

April 8th, 2011 at 9:12 PM ^

Geaux_Blue= Haterz. I'll do my part with the lippers and the video games, not sure about a bottle of whiskey though. Whiskey and lippers mixed is a sure fire visit to the porcelain god, I'm getting the spins just thinking about it. Can I replace the Whiskey with a quarter of Cron and a bubbler?

Geaux_Blue

April 8th, 2011 at 7:10 PM ^

Not to be this thread's dad or whatever but why do half of these require blatant disrespect of women?
<br>
<br>On a scale of 1-10 of how much I want these acts associated with UM, I rate it two ND middle fingers

JimLahey

April 8th, 2011 at 8:22 PM ^

Sorry if you're offended. It is just extreme hyperbole meant to be funny. If it helps, I don't go to the University of Michigan and never have, so if the "hockey community" comes calling you can tell them it was a wal-mart wolverine with poor taste. Having said that, your softness is highly impious.

Waters Demos

April 8th, 2011 at 7:31 PM ^

a Plato's Laws analysis.  The Athenian Stranger would applaud your treatment of piety. 

Of course, Barry Melrose is Alcibiades from The Banquet, just looking for the largest platform on which to stand. 

/done waxing philosophic (typing bullshit)

Mich_Faithful

April 8th, 2011 at 7:33 PM ^

So is this where I should just say that the Blackhawks are at Detroit tonight? I figure why make a new thread when there is aleady a hockey god thread.  Game is about to start. GO WINGS.