AP Top News

Submitted by Firstbase on December 5th, 2011 at 3:45 PM


AP Top News at 3:35 p.m. EST

Michigan State University athletic director Mark Hollis made an announcement earlier today that is leaving many University of Michigan fans scratching their heads.

“I read a compelling article by the thoughtful and fair-minded columnist of the Detroit Free Press, Drew Sharp, in which he decried the inequity of Michigan receiving a BCS bowl invitation instead of Michigan State,” offered Hollis. “Frankly, after carefully considering his arguments, I was forced to agree with his assessment.”

Hollis went on to describe a subsequent conversation with Michigan athletic director David Brandon about rectifying the situation and placating the frustration of Mr. Sharp. “I told David that I had a great idea,” stated Hollis. “Why don’t we send our players to the Sugar Bowl to play the Hokies and dress in your uniforms and you can send your players to Florida and play Georgia dressed as Spartans. That’ll fix everything.”

Hollis then added, “Brandon told me, ‘Sure Mark. Okee-Dokee,’ but I couldn’t really tell if he was being sarcastic. So we’ve taken the initiative and sent a bus with our uniforms over to Ann Arbor to hopefully cement the deal.”

When asked later, Mr. Sharp stated, “While I appreciate the effort put forth by the Michigan State athletic director, his remedy doesn’t go far enough. This inequity is akin to a civil rights violation. I think the University of Michigan should be forced to pay monetary damages and impose recruiting limitations on themselves. They should also seriously consider dramatic reductions in practice time next season while vacating any 2012 wins they are fortunate enough to realize.”

Player reaction to the role reversal from the two teams was mixed. The Wolverine players were unanimously against the concept whereas nearly all of the Spartans were anxious to don the classic maize and blue uniforms. “It will be, like, major cool to wear the uniform of the school I wasn’t smart enough to get into,” offered one Spartan on the condition of anonymity.


(NOT from AP)


OMG the QB is toast

December 5th, 2011 at 3:54 PM ^

As a result of the current Sparty state of feeling slighted, it took me way too long to figure out this was a joke.

My favorite recent Sparty gem: They won the Big Ten Championship with their conference record, but lost the Big Ten Championship game. Thus, the Badgers won the game, but are not the Big Ten champs.


December 5th, 2011 at 3:58 PM ^

We need to stop caring and putting mental effort into the Sparty football team at this point. We're in a BCS game, they're not and are bitter, BFD. There are only so many posts we can create about the same already tired topic.


December 5th, 2011 at 4:38 PM ^

Michigan State University athletic director Mike Hollis announced today that the MSU football team will only play four games per year from now on.

"We're taking advantage of a system that punishes teams that play more games," said Hollis.

A Big Ten official stated that MSU will be removed from the conference due to its refusal to play the requisite number of conference games.

"That's fine," replied Hollis.  "When we're 4-0 and playing in the BCS national championship game and Michigan is 10-2 and playing in the Sugar Bowl, who'll be crying then?"

Hollis announced MSU's 2012 football schedule: Alaska Polytechnical at home, Southern Michigan at home, Upper Penninsula High School at home, and Oxford at home."

"Yep, *that* Oxford," said Hollis, with a wink.  "MSU recruits on an international level."

Hollis also announced that MSU's mascot will be replaced with a turtle, to coincide with its football scheduling strategy, which Hollis referred to as "turtling."

"We are minimizing risk.  Playing games entails the risk of losing.  Playing difficult opponents entails the risk of losing.  By playing fewer games against easier opponents, we are minimizing the risk of being punished for losing."

MSU's new logo is a turtle sitting on a couch.  "Coucing sitting FTW!" MSU quaterback Kirk Cousin's proudly declared.


December 5th, 2011 at 4:48 PM ^

It is clear that his account was hacked by his roommate. No one in their right mind could possibly conceive of something as perverted as asking a Michigan player to don green.