Alabama prompts water feature war

Submitted by 1464 on June 19th, 2013 at 11:40 AM

EDSBS posted a satirical article about how Alabama has started a water feature arms race in the SEC.  I thought the article was pretty funny, and wanted to expand on it with B1G teams.  What water features would each B1G team install to keep up with the Jones'?

My thoughts?

- - -

Michigan - A toss up between an environmentally friendly bong water treatment plant and a reflection pool that shows the reality that the things they hate about Notre Dame alumni also apply to Michigan.

MSU - An irrigation system suitable for such a large, chiefly agricultural school.

Indiana - An even larger irrigation system, as a way to one up their bitter rivals at MSU.

Ohio State - A more robust set of facilities to handle human excrement, allowing for cleaner coolers in which to chill their Natty Light.  OSU will then build a system in which they can filter clean urine back to their compliance department, using student privacy laws to keep the system top secret.

Penn State - Please don't say kiddie pool, please don't say kiddie pool... Kiddie pool. Dammit!

Illinois - Just a new 5 gallon water cooler.  They've really tried to temper the ambitions of their athletics program to fit with reality.

Rutgers - Installing a nice coy pond in each of the campus's sanctioned tanning salons.

Wisconsin - Raffling off the remaining supply of Aqua Velva that was left when Bielema departed.  It's got the word aqua right on the label, bros.

Northwestern - Building diversion tubes to route Lake Michigan water directly into Ryan Field so that they can force visting schools into engaging in naval combat, rather than football.  A decided schematic advantage when you're the smartest kid in the conference.

Iowa - A drowning pool for appeasing the AIRBHG through the practice of human sacrifice.

Minnesota - Another lake.

Maryland - Athletic department too poor to install any new water features.  Please use the drinking fountain at the public park across the street.


oriental andrew

June 19th, 2013 at 12:55 PM ^

I was going to make some less-witty-than-it-sounded-in-my-head comment about a shy pond, with a correspondingly not-that-funny picture of a pond (or maybe Amy Pond looking coy - as if it exists), but every image search just shows actual koi ponds.  

Also, fire sprinklers in EL.  


June 19th, 2013 at 1:04 PM ^

I enjoyed your post, but I think my favorite has to be Iowa.  For some reason the thought of Kirk Ferentz holding some poor runningback underwater in an effort to appease the AIRBHG cracks me up.


June 19th, 2013 at 1:21 PM ^

In all fairness, Ohio State's main student athletic building (their equivalent to our CCRB) has a lazy pool. Can we have a lazy pool? I WANT A LAZY POOL.

Just as long as nobody washes their car with these water facilities!