Withdrawal With a Bowie Knife And Steve Lattimer does XFL

Submitted by jhackney on October 20th, 2011 at 10:55 PM

Well that blew. So did the game. As the hopes and dreams of a rose covered field similar to the bed in American Beauty got ugly, so did the rules and reactions of Michiganders everywhere. Riding high on a drug better than K2 or bath salts, our HOKE supply dried up. Like junkies hooked on a drug, Michigan fans in withdrawal began lashing out with a bowie knife everywhere and on everyone. Some of the slashing was justified, but some was just pent up rage left over from three disappointing seasons previous.

Pass the Asparagus:



As the first quarter reared its ugly head on my boob tube, I instantly recognized this game was going to be peculiar. It seemed that the Oregon Ducks broke out their 379th uniform combo and some clown college broke out of a birthday party training and took the field in Michigan’s place. I would find out that the real clowns were the other team and the other dudes wearing stripes. When the graceful intelligence of the sportscasters acknowledged that this was actually Little Brother University and Michigan I felt a queasy feeling I hadn’t experienced since my friend's pet mongoose swallowed a family of ducklings and its mother whole at a local pond in front a group of Catholic school kids. The poor kids got a real life lesson on life’s abrupt and messy ends at any age. I’m sure the nuns got a kick out of it and turned it into a behavioral incentive program.


After gaining my orientation back from the kick to the senses the uniforms of both teams provided, I was shocked and disappointed. I was shocked that the Fingerpaint Department at LBU did not whisper into Dantonio’s ear that their colors and fight song include the colors green AND white. Maybe they did, but his school’s Napoleonic Complex was in the way.  I was disappointed that even though it was most likely planned, the boys in blue went in to the locker room a half an hour before kickoff to change into their uniforms. It gave off the feeling of a combination of Project Runway and keeping up with the Joneses.

The uniforms were not the only disgusting factor in a game that blew more than two ways from Tuesday. The play calling as you all have noticed or heard by now was less than stellar. Why have a QB that has just an average pass game pass into tropical depression strength winds? Maybe Gorgeous Borges didn’t notice his own hair blowing in the wind. The wind was devastating and underrated in the game in my opinion. Combined with the wind and Gorgeous Borges’ play calling, Gardner’s sporadic appearances in the game wasted plays. At one point a wide open tailback was left hanging out playing jacks in the middle of the field with nothing but end zone and ugly sorority girls in front of him. If Denard was also supposed to find any rhythm in the howling winds of autumn, then he surely wouldn’t get it knowing he could be pulled at any second with the thought in the back of his mind that Gardner was getting in because Gorgeous Borges got frustrated with his pass game and put in Gardner to spark the offense. That kind of thing in a hostile territory like East Lansing would eat at your brain like a super dose of E.

These thoughts came to the front of Denard’s mind as Gholston spun the front of his head 180 degrees. Gholston decided to celebrate Halloween early by becoming his all time role model of football, Steve Lattimer. Like Lattimer, Gholston couldn’t control his inner thugness by doing most of his hitting after the whistles. Why Lewan didn’t gouge his fucking eyes out and pitchfork his dome into a crowd of three legged mules, I will not know until the day I die. The referees acted like 80 year old substitute teachers in Watts by tossing their hankies when they should have brought a hammer down and thrown their asses out for showing up to a NCAA football game with an XFL mentality. Then they should have thrown their crowd, stadium, waste management, and coaches out for unnecessary ugliness.



With the distractions of nauseating uniforms and cage match free for all rules the offensive line must have been confused with the concept of snap counts and picking up blitzes. This compounded the problems listed above that already made for a miserable day that even Poe wouldn’t touch with a 34 and a ½ inch pole.


As the results reverberated through MGoBlogdom and beyond, the crazies made an appearance and rationality of the season at large checked out. Even though I would be the first to panic on a ship with water on it in the middle of the Sahara, I did not feel a sense of panic as the previous two years…yet. The defense for all of the problems had on offense this sad day still looked eleventy billion times better than last year. The offense with a pinch of logic and constant practice can still improve. No we are not a national contender nor do I think even a B1G championship contender right now, but I didn’t think we were going to be August 31st either.  So far I am pleased with the progress, not necessarily losing to LBU, but given the growing pains of a tumultuous three years of coaching changes, roster exoduses, and a Pimp Hand looking to sponsor the ring on his hand with Evil Pop while bringing back consistent winning ways doesn’t seem that bad. This could all change but I am willing to stay to be a champion and because I have donated way too much emotional and physical time with a team since I graduate from pull ups and mushy dinners.



-go maize

-on wisconsin



October 20th, 2011 at 11:13 PM ^

Worth it just for the American Beauty reference and embed.  Thank you for some enjoyment during a miserable bye week.  I think I might quit my job tomorrow!


October 21st, 2011 at 9:59 AM ^

I have watched the game twice. Really, it wasn't that bad. The defense looked way better than last year, and we were within one score until the pick six after the 4th and 1.

As for the 4th and 1, given the penchant for the MSU linebackers to meet us at the line of scrimmage all day, the call wasn't a horrible one, although the execution in picking up the key block was. Overall, I do think we tried to pass too much given the conditions, the tackling sucked, and both our lines played flat. Why our defense line wasn't beating down their O-line, I don't know.

Finally, the uniforms. Eh, so what. I actually like the white ones better than the blue ones, but not a fan of white pants. Also the yellow "Victors Vallient" undershirts should have been blue without the text. Otherwise, what ever, what a bunch of whiny "get of my grass"ers ... they are throw back-ish, versus MSU's that did not even have white to go with the green.

That 4th and 1 though ... the wind and momentum were on our side right up until that point. The crowd was on it's heels. Of course, even if we had tied it, there was still a pick six risk in the next series between the wind, and Denard and Borges trying to force things.





October 21st, 2011 at 5:00 PM ^

"It gave off the feeling of a combination of Project Runway and Keeping up with the Joneses." Exactly.

"The referees acted like 80-year-old substitute teachers in Watts by tossing their hankies when they should have brought a hammer down and thrown their asses out for showing up to an NCAA football game when XFL mentality." Yup. I thought the last late hit/bodyslam takedown that knocked Denard out was the worst. One guy suspended for one game after that game is a sick joke.

None of which means anything important. To paraphrase Brian, losing to the most moronic 85 players ever assembled as they gave away 120 penalty yards is Michigan's fault. Opponents now have a blueprint for defending Denard. It'll be fascinating to see how Borges et al. adjusts.

Go Maize indeed!