Wife Day Advice for the Unmarried Reader

Submitted by 707oxford on September 28th, 2012 at 2:11 PM

I celebrated my 10 year anniversary with my awesome wife this year, and we just had our second child 3 weeks ago.  As a man who is up to his neck in family obligations every day - not just Wife Day - I feel the need to render some advice for tomorrow's bye to those who have yet to enter this chapter of their lives.  You will find no "/s" tag here; I'm seriously...

First, sleep in.  When you wake up to the glorious mid-day sun across your bed, go right back to sleep.  Can't sleep any longer?  Just lay there and do nothing until you're hungry.  

Once hungry, go to the fridge and pull out something that no self-respecting human being would eat for breakfast/lunch.  See that left over piece of chocolate cake?  It needs a side of kettle chips.

Bring your meal to the couch and see how the noon games - which at this hour should now be in full swing - are going.  "But Michigan is not playing today!"  Stop right there and listen to yourself.  There is football on.  College football.  The Saturdays where you actually have the time to watch a full slate of games that does not include your primary rooting interest are numbered, and this is one of them.  It expires no matter how you choose to fill your day, so embrace it.  Enjoy it.

Now it’s time for the 3:30 games.  Hopefully by now you're realizing just how good you have it.  Things are only about to get better as now you are guaranteed to watch either Sparty or Ohio lose.  Any other week you probably take in at least part of their games in hopes to revel in some sweet schadenfreude.  Well today's your lucky day because one way or another, it's happening.

Hungry again?  Fight the urge to cook something.  You have a device within arm's reach that you can speak into and people will bring you food.  I suppose it doesn't really matter what you order, but again I would highly recommend anything that you will undoubtedly enjoy now, and likely regret later.  

By the time your food arrives, you should be ensconced in session three of today's games.  You may be thinking that this is an awful lot of football to watch, especially with Michigan absent from the schedule.  If so, I ask that you think back two months to when you would have done anything to see a live football game...let alone a conference game with division race implications.  Bonus: rumor has it that both 'Sconsin and the Huskers will be wearing awful unis.  Laugh at their Wow Experience.  Laze with peace of mind that it isn't our team playing dress-up this week.

As the games come to a close, start drinking (if you haven't already, which of course you have).  Libation of choice should be something that makes you happy, or better yet occasionally leads to adventure and/or trouble.  The night is young - go out, stay out, and don’t come back until the next morning after a sunrise breakfast at some greasy diner before sleeping through the NFL games and easing into next week.

If this advice strikes you as lazy, gluttonous, overindulgent, or all of the above, you're absolutely right. There are certain things in life that you are able to enjoy now, but will be superseded by other priorities in future years - be it quality time with the kids, a memorable afternoon with your loving wife, or simply avoiding "that look" from the mrs. any time you sleep more than her, eat too much of anything unhealthy, turn on your third game in the same day, etc.

Don't get me wrong - these priorities (the first two, anyway) are awesome in their own right and more than justifiably replace (most) football games when the time comes.  But for you, single reader, Wife Day is still on the horizon.  This is your time.  As I said, it expires no matter how you choose to spend it.  So embrace it.  Enjoy it.


I have to go change a diaper.


This is Michigan

September 28th, 2012 at 3:05 PM ^

How do I take advice from a man that suggests to start drinking after all the college football games concluded?

I need to wash down that piece of chocolate chip cake and those kettle chips with something.


September 28th, 2012 at 3:12 PM ^

I'm in the unique situation of having my wife out of town tomorrow.   What's sad is that I'm actually torn between doing this to relive those "glory" days and the reality that I may be so far gone that I will scold myself out of doing this in her absence.




it only gets sadder-er, kids.


September 28th, 2012 at 3:35 PM ^

Move to the west coast, so that noon game begins at 9AM. You can watch it from bed. Maybe shower at halftime, maybe not. Follow schedule as above, but then catch the 7pm PST game between some PAC12 teams. After four games in one day, you'll be in a zombie-like trance, but it'll be worth it.


September 28th, 2012 at 3:37 PM ^

I have never read better advice from a married guy in my life. I love my wife with all my heart. But that still doesn't make me miss the Perfect (non-Wife) Day as you've described it above.


September 28th, 2012 at 4:07 PM ^

I'm with you except for the calories.... I may be young, single, gainfully employed, childfree, living in LA, and getting a new motorcycle, but I also enjoy not vomiting up my food or being a fat lard!




September 28th, 2012 at 4:39 PM ^

Agreed.  This may qualify for instant MGoHOF material.  +500 for you, 707Oxford.

The only thing I might add is to throw in some late-night drunk video gaming with old college buddies (after the nightlife and the post-bar greasy meal).  You know you all used to play (and will play) in college with your friends.  The best part is in this day and age you can even strike up online games with friends from afar.

Regardless, good sh-t 707.


September 28th, 2012 at 5:34 PM ^

My first child was born when I was 21. We had 3 by the time I was 26. After years of a bad marriage and 10 years of raising kids on my own after that, my kids are now all out of the house, and I can say with complete honesty that this is the best time of my life. I love my kids, I love having them around when I can, but being carefree is awesome, particularly knowing what it was like to have every moment taken up with taking care of others.

Every Saturday I'm at a bar, enjoying a draft beverage, rooting on my team and chatting with any young lady wearing maize and blue. I eat too much, spend way too much on restaurants and alcohol, and I date women far too young for me. Life is amazing.

Enjoy what you have now, and look forward to life getting all the better.


September 28th, 2012 at 5:48 PM ^

From someone getting married in May, this may be the greatest diary ever. Nothing that you've said does not appeal to me tomorrow....

Ok, maybe the diaper thing, but everything else.....excellent.

Six Zero

September 28th, 2012 at 7:06 PM ^

Watch football the minute you wake up until you either a.) leave to go out fashionably late for the evening or b.) pass out in the wee hours of the morning with some Pac12 postgame show droning on in the darkness.

Shower if you want. Or don't.

If you live alone, feel free to turn up the TV volume to ungodly levels when you leave the room to go to the bathroom. When people say freedom is a privilege, this is what they're talking about.

And leave remnants of all food consumed throughout the day on the coffee table. Chicken wings? Empty chip bags? Those six pack rings that kill dolphins? Leave it all there as a tribute to the day's conquests. Ants shmants.

Is all of this disgusting and maybe juvenile? Sure. But once that page is turned, you can never go back. So I say revel in your glorious and excusable bachelorhood.

Good stuff, 707. Happy Wife Day, my friends.


September 28th, 2012 at 7:50 PM ^

Excellent advice. For those of you in the kids stage of life, hang in there, the empty nest awaits (although these days you may not get the kids out until they are in their 30s and you are in your… well, best not to contemplate that).

And if you are smart and lucky enough to have a wife born and bred in SEC country, she will get into the games with you, and make gloriously unhealthy dips and other delights, and stick with you beer for beer (waistline control allowing), and life will be grand. Long live the football wives!


September 28th, 2012 at 10:57 PM ^

I can testify how true this post is.  

When I was young and single, I did exactly what the post recommends - laid around all day and ate and watched CFB.  It just came natural.  I thought it was normal life.

Then I got married.  Still not too bad . . . more chores to do and someone looking over your shoulder in judgement, but it was only a quantitative difference, not a qualitative difference.  Just had to dial it back a little.

Then I had kids.  Forget it, it was over.  Marrige is compromise, but kids are sacrifice.  Kids suck all the oxygen out of the all-day CFB room.  You can never just hang around all day and watch football.  When you are married, the bye-week is Wife Day.  When you have young children, every week is Kid Day.

This weekend I will get to see about an hour of the OSU-MSU game and maybe part of the Neb-Wisc game.  Next weekend I will not get to see a single second of CFB at all.  Forget about DVR'ing the games because there is no time to watch them later.

None of this is to complain, it is just to second the OP's advice to enjoy yourself and wallow in it now if you can.  Because there will come a day when you can't.


5th and Long

September 28th, 2012 at 11:14 PM ^

Great diary.


Also, between the Sunday late game and Sunday night football, go to a movie.  Make your choice last minute and enjoy the fact that your only cost is the price of admission.  

After your kids are born and until your kids are teens, movies in a theater will be things that require much advance planning.   Then you'll shell out for a babysitter (3-5 times what the actual movie will cost), but since you have the sitter and it's a rare night out with the wife, she'll suggest "Let's make it a full night out and get dinner beforehand."   

Take it from a guy who just had #3 -- a baby boy -- named Brady.






September 29th, 2012 at 2:40 PM ^

Some of you guys got married so young, I don't think you had much time to wallow.  But may be you will be young enough when you are empty nesters to wallow, but may be having to eat healthier!


October 1st, 2012 at 1:12 PM ^

Was just allowing the wife to watch the entire NW game instead of it being second fiddle to Michigan. Common interests indeed. I simply gave up the NFL once I got married...and I haven't really missed it. I watch the Lions on DVR but Sundays are family day, Saturdays are football day, for me, the wife, and all three kids.


October 2nd, 2012 at 3:25 PM ^

I just had my second son, 11 years after my first one.   I get to relive the potty-diaper years again. 

A few years ago I had  a weekend with no one home.  I drank an entire bottle of port, ordered chinese, then italian, and played Starcraft II while watching football to the wee hours, then continued to play Starcraft II until I beat it.  Never showered. 

It was fine and all of that, but I'd rather watch the games with my wife and family.  I don't really miss those days.  Of course I travel for work (~50%) so there's no mystique in being alone for me.  My wife watches football just as much as I do, as she is from Alabama and doesn't go to weddings on Saturdays in the fall, because, "how could someone be so stupid as to get married on a football Saturday?"  I'm told its a common attitude down there, idk.