Thought I’d stop in from Spartan Nation and drop some knowledge about the BEAT-DOWN coming your way this year courtesy of the Green and White. That’s right, Coach Dantonio and Company are going to wreck the Wolverines and their new Mexican coach, just like my buddy Jason wrecks vaginas. (Up top, brah!) And after the smoke clears, Coach Dantonio is going to step onto the field, whip out his nine-inch dick, and fuck a live wolverine in the middle of the field – because he can, playa’!
Seriously – you guys are in a world of hurt. Like I was telling my crew at the very prestigious and important law firm I work at, I am literally aching to see the game this fall. (I’m almost 100% sure it’s just the game, and not hepatitis.) I even installed a countdown clock in my bedroom, just like Coach Dantonio put in the weight room. I’m going to get tickets, head to your crappy “Big House” in Ann Arbor (where your hottest girls are, like, no better than a “6” in East Lansing) and watch the best game of all –
Oh, sorry, didn’t see you standing there, Mr. Smith. I’m doing good, thanks for asking. Just typing up some FedEx labels. How many copies do you need? No problem. My plans tonight? The client can’t go so you’re giving me the tickets to the Tigers ballgame?! Mr. Smith, you rock! Thanks so much! Dude, I owe you!
– where was I? Who cares, I should mention that Wolverine alumni suck. Like the douchebag partner Mr. Smith. He’s always hating on Spartan Nation, always looking to screw me over. You guys think your degree is soooo special. It's not like anyone thinks that there's that much difference between a Michigan and Michigan State degree. Well, some news for you: I totally could have gotten into Michigan if I wanted to. Seriously. But I thought it was more important to get a social education too. Like, learning how to interact with people and shit. At heart, dudes like Mr. Smith wish they had the experiences I had watching Jason (brah!) work his magic with the ladies. No matter how many friends he has, or people say he’s “at the top of his profession,” or how many BMWs he has, or how happy his family is, or how quickly his daughter walks past me when she visits the office – he’s raging inside because he wasn’t a Spartan. Raging.
And here’s a few words for Mike Hart. That “moment of silence” thing after last year’s game? Totally immature. Like, what kind of adult says something like that? Seriously, dude. Grow up. Anyways, this year’s moment of silence will be for you! Seriously, keep your mouth shut, Hart, or Coach Dantonio will slap you upside the head with 12 inches of limp dick –
– the UPS delivery dude just told me that Hart graduated. Whatever. He’s lucky – lucky! – that he doesn’t have to play the Spartans ever again. I'll tell you what, though: we'll win the same way we lose: with dignity.
And I haven’t even gotten to last year’s crowning insult: your band refusing to move out of the way for one of our position coaches. For shame, Michigan Marching Band. For shame. Brass instruments should only be used for fine background accompaniment while watching Jason (brah!) hook up with two drunk chicks at the same time (double brah!) during Mardi Gras night at Rick’s. They shouldn’t be used to force an adult to curse like a sailor and swear revenge in front of his young daughter. Not cool, Michigan Marching Band. You’re on the list.
I know there’s been talk about this APR thing and how we might lose some schollys or something, but I think it’s bullshit. First of all, it’s based on numbers, which can totally be faked. Probably some Michigan fan, like those engineer dweebs who started up that company that Mr. Smith represents, hacked State’s computer system with some “Wargames” bullshit. Because that’s all Michigan fans do, think about State all the time and how to screw us. Second, numbers make me all confused, just like that time I saw Jason going into the ladies’ bathroom at the Land Shark with my girlfriend. (Brah?) I dunno. Maybe he was helping her with some “lady issue” bullshit. Man, that stuff creeps me out.
Anyways, the main point is that come this fall, Coach Dantonio will be butt-fucking your entire team with his 28 inch uncircumcised bull-cock. We'll be coming at you like the 300 Spartans wiped out the Parisians a couple of hundred years ago!
p.s. I’ll be following up with a post educating you morons about the ten greatest moments in Spartan Nation history. Here’s a taste: numbers nine, four and one include the words “Appalachian State.”