Spartan Nation Drops the Knowledge!

Submitted by SpartanNation on July 23rd, 2008 at 1:08 PM

Thought I’d stop in from Spartan Nation and drop some knowledge about the BEAT-DOWN coming your way this year courtesy of the Green and White. That’s right, Coach Dantonio and Company are going to wreck the Wolverines and their new Mexican coach, just like my buddy Jason wrecks vaginas. (Up top, brah!) And after the smoke clears, Coach Dantonio is going to step onto the field, whip out his nine-inch dick, and fuck a live wolverine in the middle of the field – because he can, playa’! 

Seriously – you guys are in a world of hurt. Like I was telling my crew at the very prestigious and important law firm I work at, I am literally aching to see the game this fall. (I’m almost 100% sure it’s just the game, and not hepatitis.) I even installed a countdown clock in my bedroom, just like Coach Dantonio put in the weight room. I’m going to get tickets, head to your crappy “Big House” in Ann Arbor (where your hottest girls are, like, no better than a “6” in East Lansing) and watch the best game of all –

Oh, sorry, didn’t see you standing there, Mr. Smith. I’m doing good, thanks for asking. Just typing up some FedEx labels. How many copies do you need? No problem. My plans tonight? The client can’t go so you’re giving me the tickets to the Tigers ballgame?! Mr. Smith, you rock! Thanks so much! Dude, I owe you!

– where was I? Who cares, I should mention that Wolverine alumni suck. Like the douchebag partner Mr. Smith. He’s always hating on Spartan Nation, always looking to screw me over. You guys think your degree is soooo special. It's not like anyone thinks that there's that much difference between a Michigan and Michigan State degree.  Well, some news for you: I totally could have gotten into Michigan if I wanted to. Seriously. But I thought it was more important to get a social education too. Like, learning how to interact with people and shit. At heart, dudes like Mr. Smith wish they had the experiences I had watching Jason (brah!) work his magic with the ladies. No matter how many friends he has, or people say he’s “at the top of his profession,” or how many BMWs he has, or how happy his family is, or how quickly his daughter walks past me when she visits the office – he’s raging inside because he wasn’t a Spartan. Raging.

And here’s a few words for Mike Hart. That “moment of silence” thing after last year’s game? Totally immature. Like, what kind of adult says something like that? Seriously, dude. Grow up. Anyways, this year’s moment of silence will be for you! Seriously, keep your mouth shut, Hart, or Coach Dantonio will slap you upside the head with 12 inches of limp dick –

– the UPS delivery dude just told me that Hart graduated. Whatever. He’s lucky – lucky! – that he doesn’t have to play the Spartans ever again.  I'll tell you what, though: we'll win the same way we lose: with dignity

And I haven’t even gotten to last year’s crowning insult: your band refusing to move out of the way for one of our position coaches. For shame, Michigan Marching Band. For shame. Brass instruments should only be used for fine background accompaniment while watching Jason (brah!) hook up with two drunk chicks at the same time (double brah!) during Mardi Gras night at Rick’s. They shouldn’t be used to force an adult to curse like a sailor and swear revenge in front of his young daughter. Not cool, Michigan Marching Band. You’re on the list.

I know there’s been talk about this APR thing and how we might lose some schollys or something, but I think it’s bullshit. First of all, it’s based on numbers, which can totally be faked. Probably some Michigan fan, like those engineer dweebs who started up that company that Mr. Smith represents, hacked State’s computer system with some “Wargames” bullshit. Because that’s all Michigan fans do, think about State all the time and how to screw us. Second, numbers make me all confused, just like that time I saw Jason going into the ladies’ bathroom at the Land Shark with my girlfriend. (Brah?) I dunno. Maybe he was helping her with some “lady issue” bullshit. Man, that stuff creeps me out.

Anyways, the main point is that come this fall, Coach Dantonio will be butt-fucking your entire team with his 28 inch uncircumcised bull-cock. We'll be coming at you like the 300 Spartans wiped out the Parisians a couple of hundred years ago!  

Discuss, bitches!

Spartan Nation

p.s. I’ll be following up with a post educating you morons about the ten greatest moments in Spartan Nation history. Here’s a taste: numbers nine, four and one include the words “Appalachian State.”

Comments

El Wolverino

July 23rd, 2008 at 1:25 PM ^

What if every one of us ignores this article?

Confucius say.. A dog barking at a sun doesn't tarnish the sun.

 

EDIT: On second reading, this article/schtick is freakin' awesome !! 

616goblue

July 23rd, 2008 at 1:28 PM ^

seriously, with your green and white glasses all fogged over, it was your coach that started the whole moment of silence thing...what is up with sparty and their obsession with clocks? oh Spartan Bob must be your idol...

Blue Durham

July 23rd, 2008 at 1:35 PM ^

Oh, sorry, didn’t see you standing there, Mr. Smith. I’m doing good, thanks for asking. Just typing up some FedEx labels. How many copies do you need? No problem. My plans tonight? The client can’t go so you’re giving me the tickets to the Tigers ballgame?! Mr. Smith, you rock! Thanks so much! Dude, I owe you!

Sorry sir, I didn't see you standing there.  You would like meal #3 with a coke?  Apple pie with that?  OK sir, that will be $4.76.  Thank you and here is your change.  Oh, you like my Michigan State sweatshirt.  Yes sir, I went.  Graduated a few years ago, top of my class.  Yes sir, my parents are very proud of me and they expect great things from me.  I expect to be assistant manager here in the next 5 to 6 years.

Fixed

wildbackdunesman

July 23rd, 2008 at 1:35 PM ^

Don't forget it is okay for Ringer to call UofM players arrogant and say that they think they are MSU's big brother before the game - but its wrong for Hart to directly retaliate off of Ringer's comments after the game. Sort of like Caulcrick screaming remember this moment when MSU beat you - score MSU 24 UofM 14 - Post game he cried like a hypocritical baby saying that he always wins with class - yeah he is one of the Spartans who plants flags in Notre Dame's field.

KRK

July 23rd, 2008 at 1:36 PM ^

If you have to ask if this was real, you really need to get out more. The "up top brah" should have been a big clue for you.

a non emu

July 23rd, 2008 at 1:37 PM ^

a riot! thanks for lightening up my lunch hour.. :) and dex, i know exactly what you mean. i have for the most part stopped reading comments on this site... oh and love the work over at WLA by you guys.. i am more of the silent stalker sorts, will drop a line every once in a while..

Skapanza

July 23rd, 2008 at 1:42 PM ^

...for some of you to catch on ;) Good article. Nothing like sweeping generalizations. Sometimes though, these things can write themselves, and the links were a nice touch; my favorite sParty message Board signature ever from the moment of silence link: "Getting breast reduction surgery is like slapping GOD in the face". Dude, brah. Also, everyone knows you don't cut through marching bands. They form in effing ranks and march in a uniform unit. So, no tears shed for their asshole position coaches, they can wait. Also, don't bring your kids through an opposing band. We may not be allowed to say anything but "Go Blue" and "Happy New Year", but we're also given license to defend out turf, and I know the tubas (and trombones, of course) lick their chops waiting for an opportunity to boot someone out of the formation. Having gotten to do so, it's pretty awesome. No one wants to start a thing when there's 400 other people dressed just like you wielding brass clubs surrounding them, no matter how nerdy you are.

Blou

July 23rd, 2008 at 1:51 PM ^

"Second, numbers make me all confused, just like that time I saw Jason going into the ladies’ bathroom at the Land Shark with my girlfriend. (Brah?)" That. Loved that. Had to register just to say that. Well done.

Yahtzee

July 23rd, 2008 at 2:03 PM ^

That has to be fake! Dantonio with a 23 in Bull Cock. Yeah right, take a moment and look at your look pinky......that's Dantonio.

True Story!

Good stuff though! I like Jason, athough his white blood cell count has to be the closest thing to absolute zero (high five, brah!)

chitownblue (not verified)

July 23rd, 2008 at 2:24 PM ^

Apparently 50% of the readership's satire-sensors are fried. If you people still keep replying to this like it's serious, I'm going to support MSU. Holy shit.

DFRoweJR

July 23rd, 2008 at 3:14 PM ^

Absolutely hilarious. Brilliant piece of writing right there. Just the comedy I needed to brighten up my day. Much thanks to SpartanNation, whomever you are.

SFBayAreaBlue

July 23rd, 2008 at 9:39 PM ^

let's go make a diary on some other team's blog because they're like our older brother, and we totally look up to them, and want them to give us some attenshiun

edit: whoops, posted before reading.  I see now that it's just a joke.  and not in the regular 'everything out of a spartan's mouth is a joke' way.  funny.

redwhiteandMGOBLUE

July 23rd, 2008 at 10:25 PM ^

the BEST post delivered to the new site. Brilliant man! Pure brilliance! You belong on Letterman's writing staff. Sadly though, many in the green/white fanbase have these rampant delusions. Our Little Brother always feels inadequate and this post is the embodiment his ultimate wet dream.

HailToTheVictor

July 24th, 2008 at 8:30 AM ^

1. your degrees are the same, yet your boss is a Michigan man? 2. This year is going to be the year that your annual beat down prediction comes true...yeah right, what is it 8 years now? 3. "I'll tell you what, though: we'll win the same way we lose: with dignity.", what by a grown man, and coach, of the losing team insulting a 21 year old kid? or are we talking riots? 4. Basically your education is how to be a man slut....that will get you far. 5. and finally LMAO, oh little brother when will you learn.

CleverMichigan…

July 24th, 2008 at 9:30 AM ^

And after the smoke clears, Coach Dantonio is going to step onto the field, whip out his nine-inch dick, and fuck a live wolverine in the middle of the field – because he can, playa’!

Magnificent

JeremyB

July 24th, 2008 at 10:21 AM ^

For the record, everyone who followed the site before mgoblog's November Expansion (or "embullshitting of the readership") would've found this hilarious. I, for one, welcome our new wolverine-fucking overlords.

dex

July 24th, 2008 at 11:57 AM ^

It lies in the responses... "posted before reading" Also, this is the same thing that happens when BHGP makes fun of Michigan. Dozens of people, any age, who take Michigan football Very. Seriously. get upset at a joke - and when it's pointed out to them it's simply a joke with no real malice, they either rush to post stuff like "truth in jest" or accuse the original author of hiding behind "it's a joke" when they get called out, because they are still so baffled by the concept of parody or somebody not taking college football as a life and death manner. Really, it makes me cry every time I read it.

Cannibal6

July 24th, 2008 at 12:10 PM ^

Parody or not, Sparty needs to get his cock math right.

In the first paragraph, he says "Coach Dantonio is going to step onto the field, whip out his nine-inch dick, and fuck a live wolverine in the middle of the field." Yet, in the fifth, he states "Seriously, keep your mouth shut, Hart, or Coach Dantonio will slap you upside the head with 12 inches of limp dick."

So, there are definitely a few freudian observations to be made. Does Dick Dantonio's member get smaller as it gets more rigid? My guess is that this is a metaphor for sparty football in that instead of "rising to the occasion," sparty football/Dicky D shrinks to the occasion (i.e., the "man-gina"--not to be confused w/ Mangino who has his own gravitational pull). This would be contrary to how metaphorical Michigan whips out a 20" metaphorical cock (in the shape of Braylon or Mario) and slaps sparty/Dicky D in the face, and wipes it off on their teddy bear.

I guess even in parody, there is some truth. Space bitches.

dex

July 24th, 2008 at 12:19 PM ^

So you are under the impression that the cock going from 9, to 12, to 28 in the entry isn't a joke, and is actually some sort of math related mistake? Or are you a parody too?

This thread broke my brain.  

SpartanNation

July 24th, 2008 at 6:20 PM ^

...you Maize n' Bitch (ha!) bitch (ha!!):

1. How mature am I?  FUCK YOU!

2. How old am I?  FUCK YOU!

Now do you understand?  Now do you see what happens when you fuck with one of the Sons of Dantonio, and Coach Dantonio's four foot cock?  You wanted some?  Bee-hatch, you got some.  SERVED!

As for the rest of you mo's -- I'll be back soon, letting you know what it means to be a true Spartan warrior, like those dudes in 300!  (Which kicks ass!)

Peace . . . NOT!  Taste it, bitches!

SPARTAN NATION 

HailToTheVictor

July 24th, 2008 at 9:47 PM ^

Ahh another sparty to shamelessly make the connection between an awesome movie and their pathetic football team. If the spartan football team was anything like the guys in the movie 300 they would have done like in the movie and heroically held off the bigger/better army giving them hope of a victory. Then a leadership blunder allows the other side to know their weakness, leading to utter annihilation of the 300 men....oh wait, now I see the connection.

SpartanNation

July 24th, 2008 at 10:54 PM ^

...you've got balls.  Big, fat, juicy ones.  Dantonio-esque, even.  Only you (and fifteen or so others on this thread) have the nuttage to take me on.  All the other losers on this website are laughing, thinking I'm some sort of joke. 

(Which I'm not!  I'm as serious as George Perles at the Old Country Buffett on Grand River Avenue.  As serious as Coach Dantonio's engorged man-meat pointing at the heavens towards his celestial birthplace.  As serious as Cedric Everson walking through that door with one thing on his mind.  But I digress.) 

But you know better.  You understand how important these internet posts are.  How necessary it is to get the final word in over a fan of the opposition.  That you can't let some Spartan waltz onto a Wolverine website and say things like "Caulcrick is pretty good" or "Hart should shut up" or "maize looks suspiciously like yellow."  That a war of words over the internerd matters.  Alone (with fifteen or so others) amongst these cowards, you grab a hold of your cojones and say: this will not stand.  And I applaud you for it, br...

Whoa, that was close.  True: in another life, we might have been brahs.  If I close my eyes I can see it -- it's brah-tastic.  But as brah-some as it might have been, we're doomed to be enemies forever.  Like Cena and Batista, man.  Cena and Batista...why can't they see they're on the same side? [Sob.]

Anyways, I'm out.  Stay strong, HTTV.  Stay strong.

SPARTAN NATION