The Six Zero UM Mascot Proposal

Submitted by Six Zero on July 15th, 2011 at 10:30 AM

So, I'm elaborating on my initial post in MGoShoe's original thread about the Detroit News Mascot Contest.    I've got an idea and it appears that this thing has some legs, and so I quickly knocked out a five-minute visual to help sell the idea to Brandon.  Call me DB.

(The following rehashes and/or elaborates on much of what I said earlier)

I had multiple people ask if I was going to submit something for their contest, but things have been pretty busy on my end.  More on that next month.  BUT I did think about it, and I was torn between the 'ferocious wolverine' concept, as we saw in the News' winning entry (and I think looks pretty good, all things considered), and something else, which I'll affectionately name:

THE OVERLY ENTITLED
WOLVERINE MASCOT

Yeah, I'm at the game, where you guys gonna be later?  Well, is she hot?

Our mascot should be successful and he should know it.  Perhaps he's got on a smoking jacket, or better yet, an overpriced fitted polo oxford with $150 jeans and a sweet pair of doc martens.  He should sport a well-groomed unshaven look and a pair of  rimless glasses that he will only take off to properly look down upon the Purdue Pete's and Bucky the Badgers of the world.  He will always have it all put together and will be effortlessly in shape, never flaunting the ridiculous six pack that Herky the Hawkeye knows is just one layer of business casual away.

He should smell like a swanky Fortune 500 corner office and an exotic fruit you've never heard of all at once.  He's not so much Facebook as he is LinkedIn, and even then he's a premium member at that who always seems to be too busy to add any contacts.  Girls will always know when he enters the room, and their boyfriends will hate him for it.  He'll be that guy who's already seen the movie you bring up in conversation, and will recommend an independent film that's far better.  He'll tell jokes that make you laugh harder than you knew you could, and yet he'll be more interested in talking about world events.

He'll be that guy that buys really good coffee.  The kind that tastes even better than it smells.

And even as he's leading the team onto the field, he should be cutting consultant deals on his smartphone AND playing plants vs. zombies at the same time.  And throughout the game he'll be far too busy discussing microbrews with the hottest adjacent cheerleader to even care that he's been named "Biff."

In short, the new mascot should be a d**k that all of the other mascots hate, and yet also desperately wish they were.

He will give the Nittany Lion the perfect compliment on his striped scarf, and the Lion's insecurities will turn it into the most humiliating insult the Lion has ever heard.  The Golden Gopher will constantly ask our mascot to have his picture taken with him, and when he finally does it will become his Facebook avatar in less than three minutes.  Oddly enough, the Northwestern wildcat will be one of his buds.  And for Brutus the Buckeye, he will be fear personified.  Brutus will have a manic and hateful obsession with him, and he'll spend far too many Friday nights in Columbus trying to perfect the perfect Biff google search.

He is Biff, and he is THE MAN.

 

He will give the Nittany Lion the perfect compliment on his striped scarf, and the Lion's insecurities will turn it into the most humiliating insult the Lion has ever heard.  The Golden Gopher will constantly ask our mascot to have his picture taken with him, and when he finally does it will become his Facebook avatar in less than three minutes.  Oddly enough, the Northwestern wildcat will be one of his buds.  And for Brutus the Buckeye, he will be fear personified.  Brutus will not sleep well when he thinks of the Wolverine, and he will have a manic and hateful obsession with him.

  

Comments

Noleverine

July 15th, 2011 at 10:50 AM ^

I dont know what I would do at work on Friday without this site. My favorite part was the piece about him walking into a room, all the girls noticing, and their boyfriends hating him for it.

CleverMichigan…

July 15th, 2011 at 11:00 AM ^

It reminds me of the rejected "Hotty Toddy" fratstar mascot idea from Ole Miss in wolverine form... I like it, but a wolverine form of the "Pursuit of Jappiness" guys would be more accurate at Michigan. He should obviously live in Zaragon, brunch at Angelo's, and party at Rick's. Don't forget to give him a BMW to go with the BBM, HALOL :)

ChetChill

July 15th, 2011 at 2:07 PM ^

Wow, imagine how much other schools would hate us THEN. Most annoying true stereotype in the collegiate world. Ole Miss idea was pretty sweet, I mean does anyone know anything about Ole Miss besides frat stars and southern belles?
<br>-Chet

Hardware Sushi

July 15th, 2011 at 12:46 PM ^

Yeah, this was the only egregious error I found in the post. Doc Martens are like 90s, man. Arrogant Wolverine should be wearing rainbows or boat shoes in the summer and either wallabees or loafers in the winter (in my humble opinion, unless we're going with a LI Til I Die Arrogant Wolverine, then we get some lowtop colored Air Force Ones).

Regardless, awesome post. Very funny and I honestly think Arrogant Wolverine would be a fair representation of our fanbase. I'd much rather have this guy than pretty much anything I've seen.

sandiego

July 15th, 2011 at 12:08 PM ^

the most interesting Wolverine in the world.

Excellent post.  It fits great with the 'Michigan Fan snobbery' pe.rception (and reality in some cases).  My laughter woke me up enough to get back to work

The FannMan

July 15th, 2011 at 4:54 PM ^

 

Pure satire genius.

However, as I read this, I could hear some guy with a marketing degree in Brandon’s office screaming “YES! This will perfect the brand!  We can cut deals with designers to see what clothes he wears.”

So yeah, this was perfect for Friday. Just don’t let anyone from the Athletic Department see it.