Preview, WifeDay 2010

Submitted by Six Zero on

[Ed: No preview today since it's a bye week, except for... you know... this. Also there is an Other People Pressers for it. No. seriously.]

Essentials

WHAT

Six Zero vs. Wife Day

WHERE

Some Outlet Shopping Center in the Northeast

WHEN

Far too much of Saturday

THE LINE

Wife, Shopping -28.5

TELEVISION

None.  Absolutely None.

WEATHER

Like it matters.

Ohhhhhh No

So this is our off-week, which celebrates a time-honored tradition in my household, WIFEDAY.  That’s right, WifeDay--  the one weekend in the fall where my wife gets to actually spend a Saturday afternoon, IN THE FALL, NO LESS, with a logical, rational and an almost carefree version of her husband.  I have found that giving up this Saturday every year is a small way to give back for her willingness to honor my all-consuming fanaticism for Michigan football, which basically means that she stays out of the way of the TV every weekend from September through November.  So she gets to plan the day, and we do it together.  Heck, I might even humor her and forego the UM wardrobe and wear something striped and collared.  Well, maybe.

 

Defense vs. Home Furnishings



aka the Barn of Pottery

So yes, my wife has decided that she’d like to do some shopping this weekend.  We’ve recently made some upgrades to the house, and I’m sure she’d like to get a few things to make the place as nice as it can.  Yikes, I could be in for a long day—the place we’re going to has a Pottery Barn, some furniture chain outlet, and I think there may even be an Ikea nearby. 

Projected

Opponent

Minutes

In Store

Yards

Walked

TP

(Total

Purchases)

YPP

(yds per purchase)

Pottery Barn

60

185

3

61.66

Furniture Showroom

41

288

0

n/a

Ikea, if applicable

Hours

Death

??

No Mercy

Others

33

144

1

144

 

Let’s make no mistake here… there’s no way I’m going to get out of having to look at things for the house together.  I also need to be nearby when these decisions are being made, or else I’ll find myself sitting on my couch next week trying to watch the PSU game in a sea of red ‘accent’ pillows with beads or something on them that are essentially unable to support the human head.  I’m going to have to put in quality time here just to preserve the sanctity of my home.

Key Matchup:Six Zero vs. Suffocating Furniture Sales Representatives, and exotic wicker décor of any kind.  It’ll get ugly early.

Man-Store Offense vs. Wife

YES!Bring on the Fleece?

I will not go down without a fight...

Yes!  The day will not be a total wash—where there’s retail, there’s electronics, and that’s where I'll get most of my yardage on the day.  There’s nothing in Best Buy that I couldn’t necessarily find online, but there’s something essentially primal about stalking BluRays, PS3 games or WiFi gear that doesn’t even require a purchase.  Other draws might include an UnderArmour outlet (ridiculously un-outlet prices notwithstanding), Black and Decker, Columbia, and perhaps even an Adidas outlet.

Sweet Lord, Yes

Key Matchup:Wife’s curiosity vs. the sheer glory of the Bose retail outlet space.  Quite simply, the concept of having a home theater that is ‘good enough’ does not exist—I could spend $1800 on one and still find myself yearning for a better one tomorrow.  Mine is currently well out of date, and I tend to visibly drool inside the confines of the Bose outlet.  If my wife gets a taste of the Kool-Aid, it could be the turning point of the entire afternoon for our offense.  On the other hand, if they’re actually showing college football in there, I’ll probably revert from model husband form and back to MGoBlog cretin, and she’ll simply leave the store.

Man Defense vs. Women’s Apparel

http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/bb980b38a03a_9D62/explosion.jpg

As Brian Says, “DOOM.”

This is where she pulls away for the victory.  There’s no freshmen secondary to blame here, just the inexplicable love/hate relationship women share with their favorite boutiques.  They seem to be painstakingly loyal to these brands despite being so frequently let down with empty shelves, wrong sizes, and clothes that don’t fit just right.  Despite all of this, it’s always worth it when the store comes through and she gets that mythical creature known as the ‘perfect outfit.’  In many ways, it is very much like our devotion to the maize and blue.

Opponent

Minutes

In Store

Yards

Walked

TP

YPP

White House Black Market

30

55

6

7.97

Ann Taylor Loft

Death

89

8

11.1

Other Stores That I Stand In

But am Too Bored To Tears

To Actually Read Their Names

78

133

4

33.34

I’m in big trouble here, and everyone knows it, even the overweight forty-something saleswoman who viciously tells my wife that every single thing looks perfect on her.  My best defenses are my well-charged phone, which is currently equipped with everything from a web browser to Crazy Taxi, and/or my ability to slip away to the nearest Banana Republic or even Eddie Bauer if there’s no chair for me to sit in by the dressing room.

Key Matchup:The Samsung Mythic and ATTWireless vs. Quality Reception in Random Shoe Store.  I have a good history with NBC Sports play-by-play features for whatever games will be live during the outing, and I’ll eventually move onto highlight vid clips as the afternoon unfolds.  I’ll get torched, no question, but it’s either that or shop for myself, which all wives eventually get tired of.  The last thing I want to be accused of is ‘not spending the day together,’ which would cancel the entire transaction of ‘quality time’ that Wife Day is about.  To some degree, I have to man up and let her do her shopping.

Food Offense vs. Shopping

Look, Our Menu's Got Wings!

This is my last ditch at owning the day.  I’m not sure what we’ll be up for, but I have some options here, and I intend to cash in on them.  GameDay is always a good day for food, and I usually have some sort of Brats, burgers, or other grilled fare unless my wife steps up and serves her patented football nacho spread.  Maybe that’s why I’m so willing to devote the off-week to her: she respects GameDay, and all of my weird obsessive rituals associated with it.  So this is my own little way of giving back to the marriage.  Plus I usually end up at some sort of chain sit-down place like Ruby Tuesdays or Friday’s or something, and she’ll even pretend not to notice as I stare over her shoulder and root for whoever’s playing the Damn Buckeyes.  I’ll probably also be good early on for some sort of escape to the nearest Sonic for a Grape Limeade, and plus there’s always that Gourmet place with the killer Buffalo dip to keep me going throughout the afternoon.

Key Matchup:Fajitas vs. Red Meat.  That is all.

Special Teams

I hold the edge here, because despite all the fuss that this is her day, I know my wife well enough to know that she’s going to end up shopping for me.  I’m business professional by day, but I’m also enough of ‘a guy’ to wear pants with frayed edges and holes in my socks and still say that I don’t need anything new.  I’ll come home with some nice new shirt for work, or something that she just couldn’t resist for the price.  It’s not official adidas gear, but the possibility even exists for that… stranger things have happened.

Key Matchup:STOP KICKING THE DAMN BALL.  Simple wisdom for a complex world.

Intangibles

Hell, Outlet Shopping Style

Hell, Heironymous Bosch styleHell, Jim Tressel style

 



Cheap Thrills

Worry if...

  • Ann Taylor has coupons of any kind.
  • She brings an early Christmas Shopping List
  • New stores, with a Grand Opening Sale.

Cackle with knowing glee if...

  • My wife says “Wow, those surround sound units are amazing.”
  • The words “Go ahead and I’ll catch up with you later” are even whispered.
  • Live football is being displayed on any television in my basic vicinity.

Fear/Paranoia Level: 7 (Baseline 5; +1 for Wife Day, +1 for Fall Fashions, –1 for For All My Complaining There’s Some Things There For Me Too, +1 for At The End of the Day I’m At An Outlet Center When Quality College Football is Being Played, –1 for But All In All She’s A Pretty Great Wife and It’s a Yearly Tradition)

Desperate need to win level: 2 (Baseline 5; -1 for I Know Better, –1 for I’ve Seen It So Many Times Before so Don't Panic, -1 for Sets Me Up Quite Well for the Rest of the Season )

Loss will cause me to...Let her have her day in the sun.

Win will cause me to...Worry about screwing up a good thing.

Finally, three opportunities for me to look stupid Sunday:

  • I come home with new footwear of any kind.
  • We actually have room left in the back of my SUV at the end of the day.
  • My wife reads this blog and doesn’t realize that it’s just humor playing off of Brian’s previews.
  • Happy Wife, 48-10.

Comments

MBAgoblue

October 21st, 2010 at 5:05 PM ^

100% Pure Columbian awesome.

Three months ago my mother gave me a range of dates for a visit to Cali to see me and the wife. Unsurprisingly, the bye weekend was the one that worked best for my schedule.

Off to Santa Barbara tomorrow, with not a single complaint from me. Wife is so proud of me giving up my 9AM - midnight college football couchfest.

oriental andrew

October 21st, 2010 at 5:09 PM ^

This had me in tears (figuratively).  And, as blueheron wrote above, don't forget to take a few random pictures/videos for the UFR and Picture Pages!

Although I think you forgot an intangible:

S.G. Rice

October 21st, 2010 at 5:20 PM ^

This is absolute gold.  Five stars.  Many cocktails.  Whatever metric you like, nice work.

It's probably a good thing that you're in the northeast - the fact that the Lions have a bye this weekend too is presenting a very real risk of a Category 5 Wife WEEKEND ahead.

Cheri

October 21st, 2010 at 5:22 PM ^

The only solid plans I have thus far is that we're going to the Michigan Hockey game.  I think we may go shopping at the home brew store and then brew some beer to fill that empty keg.  Maybe we'll watch The Crow or some other Halloween type movie.  I'm rooting for The Crow because it's been a while since I've seen that and hey, it's a good movie. We did just get Evil Dead 2 on Blu Ray with new commentary track, so maybe we'll watch that instead.

Cheri

October 22nd, 2010 at 5:37 PM ^

I'm 100% real, and 100% committed to this "we" concept.  Sorry.  My husband is a lucky man, and I am a lucky woman.  We're quite compatible, and I can ignore the fact that he plays games on 360 that bore me, and he has no problem with the fact that I enjoy curling up with a good book way more than he does.

 

I was talking with a friend the other day and realized that part of the downfall of the last relationship I had before I met my husband was that he just wasn't into sports at all and didn't get that I enjoy and follow them.  He didn't get things like, "Hey, I've been offered the chance to go to the Wings home opener for free, but my friend only has one ticket.  I hope you don't mind."  He would have minded, and complained so much that I just would have passed on the opportunity.  My husband, he was cool with it, because he knows that if the tables were turned I might have whined momentarily that there was only one ticket and I didn't get to go, but I wouldn't really have a problem with him going.

 

I'm incredibly lucky.

The FannMan

October 21st, 2010 at 5:26 PM ^

Really funny.

One possible strategy.  It is high risk/high reward.  Bring the house on a blitz and go big early.  Say you want to look at something big first.  Furniture is good bet.  Then buy something that costs about what you expect to spend for the entire day.  As you are considering whether to buy it, bemoan the fact that "This will probably mean that we wont be able to buy anything else today."   At this point you are blitzing everyone, your freshman credit card is on an island and you have to hope that the new dinning room table gets to the wife before she scrambles away.  You also have to hope that the table (or whatever) is big enough to make the tackle and kill the "let's shop all day" momentum.  If done well, your day ends early, you're a hero for buying a big item, and you're back home in time for the 3:30 games.

BUT Not So Fast My Friend - there are big risks here.  You have to keep contain and force her back toward the help of the parking lot and the waiting car.  If you loose leverage, she could take the table and proceed to other stores.  Worse, you are wide open for the big play as the wife could go straight to the mall's movie theater and you could spend the day broke and watching a Julia Roberts movie.   (This is DOOM!)

Its either that or you get nickeled and dimed down the field with your wife making small gains at store after store.  Either way, you are basically playing for next week.  Still, at 12 weeks won and 1 lost, you are comming out ahead.

WolverBean

October 21st, 2010 at 9:29 PM ^

Your hypothesis here seems to be that the shopping will end when all the money is spent.  In my experience, when it comes to shopping, time and money are barely correlated at best.  Apparently the thrill isn't in buying things -- it's in stalking the things that you might someday buy later.  I'd be very careful employing your blitz strategy: depending on her motivations, her "offense" may be impervious to this maneuver.

DenverRob

October 21st, 2010 at 5:35 PM ^

We have all been there.

You just have to suck it up, but turn the day into your advantage.

What I always do after these days. Give her a massage and try to practice my MMA on in the bedroom (Wink)

great post

tdeshetler

October 21st, 2010 at 5:35 PM ^

Well played sir. 

I for one will be pumpkin patching all day with the in-laws in tow.  A flask will be required as a cooping mechanism.  Good times - good times 

bronxblue

October 21st, 2010 at 5:36 PM ^

Amazing post!  My wife likes to shop but also enjoys stuff like hiking with our dog, which gets me out of ordeals like this sometimes.  Though I have learned from my mistake when we both walked around SoHo and I realized it took us 1 hour to walk a total of one block.  

Seth

October 22nd, 2010 at 12:35 PM ^

You need to install a 3-window policy.

Misopogal gets three windows per street that she can stop at. For every window beyond that, I get to go to the nearest baked good store and buy something.

The policy doesn't really limit her windowshopping (she cheats, and argues the rules so much it's not worth it), but I do enjoy the baked goods.

M-Wolverine

October 23rd, 2010 at 1:10 PM ^

I was out last night, and a couple female friends were talking, and one asked the other "So you went shopping? Did you buy anything?" and I laughed out loud. When they asked why I had to explain to them that it was such a girl thing; a guy wouldn't be shopping if he didn't buy anything.

bouje

October 21st, 2010 at 5:43 PM ^

Do we get the recap on Monday with ufrs on Tuesday and Wednesday? That would be super sweet.
<br>
<br>Also I love this idea I will have wife day when I get married. +1!

Yinka Double Dare

October 21st, 2010 at 8:09 PM ^

If I lived in the Detroit area, my wife would have chosen the beer fest over anything else for WifeDay.  As a bad Michigan fan, I will probably be missing the Illinois game for the Festival of Wood and Barrel Aged Beers.  And missing parts of the Penn State game for a halloween trolley party in Chicago (some of the bars on the crawl have TVs, some don't, I didn't make the schedule, although the bar w/o TVs is an excellent beer bar so I'm not that mad). 

But I will make space for the OSU game.  My brother now bartends at Duffy's, so I really have no excuse.

Yinka Double Dare

October 21st, 2010 at 5:46 PM ^

Highly amusing, excellent work.   A++ DIARY WOULD READ AGAIN

I'm actually out of town for a bachelor party this week (watching the special brand of failure that can be described in one word: Wannstache), and when this was being planned I didn't even realize it was the bye, guess that was a happy accident.  I've slacked on game watching this year -- I saw UConn and Iowa, was at a beer and ribs/chili cookoff picnic thing during Notre Dame (as I am every year), golf during UMass and BGSU, USA soccer tailgate for MSU, and, yes, WifeDay during Indiana -- a trip to the outlet mall.  Amusingly, I ended up with more stuff than my wife (she's tall, which makes it much harder to find things).

oldcityblue

October 21st, 2010 at 5:53 PM ^

...insane and awesome at the same time?

Awesane? insome?

Either way this was a joy to read. I might also include the having-to-carry-full-shopping-bags-for-her into the preview. That can turn the momentum in your favor.

Thanks a ton.

surlyman

October 21st, 2010 at 6:52 PM ^

I got suckered into chaperoning a school trip for my son's seventh grade class this weekend.  The upside is that it will probably be fun.  

The fear started when my wife said  that she and my daughter can't wait for their girls weekend.  She is taking my daughter shopping and for other girly things that I dare not inquire into too deeply.  I'm worried she's going to visit all of the stores your are contemplating, but without the damper my customary grunted response provides.   This could be an expensive weekend.

smwilliams

October 21st, 2010 at 9:37 PM ^

My buddy and I going wine tasting with his girl friend and my girlfriend and 11 other girls: $70.

Sarcastic, drunken jabs that could've been avoided by not forcing me to DVR the Auburn-LSU tilt: Priceless.

clarkiefromcanada

October 21st, 2010 at 10:24 PM ^

I like your game here on Wife Day and strategically well played. I am fortunate to have a similar situation with my spouse but she encourages our taking a Monday each November for this purpose.

A few thoughts:

 - am I the only guy who finds shopping 100x more fatiguing than actually working out or excercising? Seriously, the sort of short steps and back and forth leaning while waiting for your wife to pick out an outfit or dress is excruciating.

- I think it always a smart move to leave my wife about 2 pm so she can shop a bit on her own (I find the Correlle outlet always a good sport for this move) and go get a beer.

- your best bet? Victoria's Secret outlet.

mi93

October 21st, 2010 at 10:45 PM ^

is absolute brilliance.  Not to rub it in, but I managed to turn off week into a trip to SEC country for a rivalry game.

I would worry if your wallet sees the light day more than it doesn't.

Mister X

October 22nd, 2010 at 12:35 AM ^

Love the ~70 positive comments affirming the undeniable awesomeness of this diary, but why no clamoring for a bump to the mgofrontpage?  Harumph!

 

I almost didn't click on the post as "WifeDay" didn't appear to be anything I'd be interested in.  How wrong I was...

NorthSideBlueFan

October 22nd, 2010 at 7:20 AM ^

I am in the same boat as we are converting the spare bedroom/my office in our condo to a baby room for my son who is coming in February. I fought the good fight until now, but procrastination season is over. It is game day this weekend and the wife is roughly a 6-7 TD favorite. 

GunnersApe

October 22nd, 2010 at 8:39 AM ^

Being that I have no access to baby sitters, when shopping/dinning out/living a normal life. I deploy or get deployed on the two male children that I have unleashed on the world (ages 4 and 8).

 Scenario 1. Shopping, all times cut in 3ed's due to the divide and conquer strategy my children have developed through a millennia and Darwinism. The wife and I play a straight man to man due to numbers and this is also my argument to a third child (I'm scared to run the zone and get burned in the seams). As any parent knows there is a limited amount of time until a meltdown forcing you to abandon your shopping plans (breakage, spillage, injury).

 Scenario 2. Dinning out. Fancy restaurants...HA. how much are you willing to pay for chicken and fries, plus One has the "eat now, chew later" mentality and the other is the exact opposite. So all nice restaurants turn into the chain restaurants.

 Scenario 3. Football. Thank God for DVR's, my wife works weekends so I get to watch the monkeys during the games, panic always ensues during critical moments causing extra undue blood pressure fluctuation. This may cause my children to hate football later in life because of my irrational behavior during the UM games.

 So in summery... I have no idea  why I posted this but I used to have your problem Six Zero but I've traded those in for a new set of obstacles. This Saturday I'm attending a children's Halloween party but rest assured if UM was on there would be some reason for my wife to call in sick and take the boys to the party.  

eganrut

October 22nd, 2010 at 8:56 AM ^

Secenario.  Disney world.  Kid 1 is crying because they only had Donald Duck ears.  Kid 2 is running a seam route because the Cotton Candy kicked in, allowing your wife to be pulled out of her zone freshman db style.  Because she is pulled out of her zone and people are starting to stare at Kid 1 Kid 3 is running a out route in an empty area.  Kid 3 run's wide open kicking Goofey directly in the balls. 

 

There are reasons to opt for Man to Man.

UMGooch

October 22nd, 2010 at 8:53 AM ^

Man, I thought I had it rough taking the GRE on Saturday.

Please tell me you'll at least get some action out of this!

Oh, and if you start off with those first three (Crate & Barrel, Furniture Store, and THEN Ikea), you're toast. You're going to be so burnt out with shopping after those three, not even electronics can save you then. Ikea is like a 3 hour ordeal. Minimum. Get their macaroni and cheese. Its good.

M-Wolverine

October 23rd, 2010 at 1:15 PM ^

If you scheduled it for the morning. You can get back and unwind with the games. I took the LSATs and still made it to a home Iowa game.

Wolverine In Exile

October 22nd, 2010 at 10:28 AM ^

made me pee my pants.

 

that is all. And I need new pants. maybe I need the outlet mall too. Do they have a "fat ass who refuses to get new pants b/c that would require me to acknowledge my waist size has gone up" store?