Preview, WifeDay 2010

Submitted by Six Zero on October 22nd, 2010 at 4:22 PM

[Ed: No preview today since it's a bye week, except for... you know... this. Also there is an Other People Pressers for it. No. seriously.]

Essentials

WHAT

Six Zero vs. Wife Day

WHERE

Some Outlet Shopping Center in the Northeast

WHEN

Far too much of Saturday

THE LINE

Wife, Shopping -28.5

TELEVISION

None.  Absolutely None.

WEATHER

Like it matters.

Ohhhhhh No

So this is our off-week, which celebrates a time-honored tradition in my household, WIFEDAY.  That’s right, WifeDay--  the one weekend in the fall where my wife gets to actually spend a Saturday afternoon, IN THE FALL, NO LESS, with a logical, rational and an almost carefree version of her husband.  I have found that giving up this Saturday every year is a small way to give back for her willingness to honor my all-consuming fanaticism for Michigan football, which basically means that she stays out of the way of the TV every weekend from September through November.  So she gets to plan the day, and we do it together.  Heck, I might even humor her and forego the UM wardrobe and wear something striped and collared.  Well, maybe.

 

Defense vs. Home Furnishings

aka the Barn of Pottery

So yes, my wife has decided that she’d like to do some shopping this weekend.  We’ve recently made some upgrades to the house, and I’m sure she’d like to get a few things to make the place as nice as it can.  Yikes, I could be in for a long day—the place we’re going to has a Pottery Barn, some furniture chain outlet, and I think there may even be an Ikea nearby. 

Projected
Opponent

Minutes
In Store

Yards
Walked

TP
(Total
Purchases)

YPP
(yds per purchase)

Pottery Barn

60

185

3

61.66

Furniture Showroom

41

288

0

n/a

Ikea, if applicable

Hours

Death

??

No Mercy

Others

33

144

1

144

 

Let’s make no mistake here… there’s no way I’m going to get out of having to look at things for the house together.  I also need to be nearby when these decisions are being made, or else I’ll find myself sitting on my couch next week trying to watch the PSU game in a sea of red ‘accent’ pillows with beads or something on them that are essentially unable to support the human head.  I’m going to have to put in quality time here just to preserve the sanctity of my home.

Key Matchup:Six Zero vs. Suffocating Furniture Sales Representatives, and exotic wicker décor of any kind.  It’ll get ugly early.

Man-Store Offense vs. Wife

YES!Bring on the Fleece?

I will not go down without a fight...

Yes!  The day will not be a total wash—where there’s retail, there’s electronics, and that’s where I'll get most of my yardage on the day.  There’s nothing in Best Buy that I couldn’t necessarily find online, but there’s something essentially primal about stalking BluRays, PS3 games or WiFi gear that doesn’t even require a purchase.  Other draws might include an UnderArmour outlet (ridiculously un-outlet prices notwithstanding), Black and Decker, Columbia, and perhaps even an Adidas outlet.

Sweet Lord, Yes

Key Matchup:Wife’s curiosity vs. the sheer glory of the Bose retail outlet space.  Quite simply, the concept of having a home theater that is ‘good enough’ does not exist—I could spend $1800 on one and still find myself yearning for a better one tomorrow.  Mine is currently well out of date, and I tend to visibly drool inside the confines of the Bose outlet.  If my wife gets a taste of the Kool-Aid, it could be the turning point of the entire afternoon for our offense.  On the other hand, if they’re actually showing college football in there, I’ll probably revert from model husband form and back to MGoBlog cretin, and she’ll simply leave the store.

Man Defense vs. Women’s Apparel

http://mgoblog.com/sites/mgoblog.com/files/bb980b38a03a_9D62/explosion.jpg

As Brian Says, “DOOM.”

This is where she pulls away for the victory.  There’s no freshmen secondary to blame here, just the inexplicable love/hate relationship women share with their favorite boutiques.  They seem to be painstakingly loyal to these brands despite being so frequently let down with empty shelves, wrong sizes, and clothes that don’t fit just right.  Despite all of this, it’s always worth it when the store comes through and she gets that mythical creature known as the ‘perfect outfit.’  In many ways, it is very much like our devotion to the maize and blue.

Opponent

Minutes
In Store

Yards
Walked

TP

YPP

White House Black Market

30

55

6

7.97

Ann Taylor Loft

Death

89

8

11.1

Other Stores That I Stand In
But am Too Bored To Tears
To Actually Read Their Names

78

133

4

33.34

I’m in big trouble here, and everyone knows it, even the overweight forty-something saleswoman who viciously tells my wife that every single thing looks perfect on her.  My best defenses are my well-charged phone, which is currently equipped with everything from a web browser to Crazy Taxi, and/or my ability to slip away to the nearest Banana Republic or even Eddie Bauer if there’s no chair for me to sit in by the dressing room.

Key Matchup:The Samsung Mythic and ATTWireless vs. Quality Reception in Random Shoe Store.  I have a good history with NBC Sports play-by-play features for whatever games will be live during the outing, and I’ll eventually move onto highlight vid clips as the afternoon unfolds.  I’ll get torched, no question, but it’s either that or shop for myself, which all wives eventually get tired of.  The last thing I want to be accused of is ‘not spending the day together,’ which would cancel the entire transaction of ‘quality time’ that Wife Day is about.  To some degree, I have to man up and let her do her shopping.

Food Offense vs. Shopping

Look, Our Menu's Got Wings!

This is my last ditch at owning the day.  I’m not sure what we’ll be up for, but I have some options here, and I intend to cash in on them.  GameDay is always a good day for food, and I usually have some sort of Brats, burgers, or other grilled fare unless my wife steps up and serves her patented football nacho spread.  Maybe that’s why I’m so willing to devote the off-week to her: she respects GameDay, and all of my weird obsessive rituals associated with it.  So this is my own little way of giving back to the marriage.  Plus I usually end up at some sort of chain sit-down place like Ruby Tuesdays or Friday’s or something, and she’ll even pretend not to notice as I stare over her shoulder and root for whoever’s playing the Damn Buckeyes.  I’ll probably also be good early on for some sort of escape to the nearest Sonic for a Grape Limeade, and plus there’s always that Gourmet place with the killer Buffalo dip to keep me going throughout the afternoon.

Key Matchup:Fajitas vs. Red Meat.  That is all.

Special Teams

I hold the edge here, because despite all the fuss that this is her day, I know my wife well enough to know that she’s going to end up shopping for me.  I’m business professional by day, but I’m also enough of ‘a guy’ to wear pants with frayed edges and holes in my socks and still say that I don’t need anything new.  I’ll come home with some nice new shirt for work, or something that she just couldn’t resist for the price.  It’s not official adidas gear, but the possibility even exists for that… stranger things have happened.

Key Matchup:STOP KICKING THE DAMN BALL.  Simple wisdom for a complex world.

Intangibles

Hell, Outlet Shopping Style

Hell, Heironymous Bosch styleHell, Jim Tressel style

 


Cheap Thrills

Worry if...

  • Ann Taylor has coupons of any kind.
  • She brings an early Christmas Shopping List
  • New stores, with a Grand Opening Sale.

Cackle with knowing glee if...

  • My wife says “Wow, those surround sound units are amazing.”
  • The words “Go ahead and I’ll catch up with you later” are even whispered.
  • Live football is being displayed on any television in my basic vicinity.

Fear/Paranoia Level: 7 (Baseline 5; +1 for Wife Day, +1 for Fall Fashions, –1 for For All My Complaining There’s Some Things There For Me Too, +1 for At The End of the Day I’m At An Outlet Center When Quality College Football is Being Played, –1 for But All In All She’s A Pretty Great Wife and It’s a Yearly Tradition)

Desperate need to win level: 2 (Baseline 5; -1 for I Know Better, –1 for I’ve Seen It So Many Times Before so Don't Panic, -1 for Sets Me Up Quite Well for the Rest of the Season )

Loss will cause me to...Let her have her day in the sun.

Win will cause me to...Worry about screwing up a good thing.

Finally, three opportunities for me to look stupid Sunday:

  • I come home with new footwear of any kind.
  • We actually have room left in the back of my SUV at the end of the day.
  • My wife reads this blog and doesn’t realize that it’s just humor playing off of Brian’s previews.
  • Happy Wife, 48-10.

Comments

ldoublee

October 21st, 2010 at 4:02 PM ^

Cheap Thrills

Worry if...

  • Ann Taylor has coupons of any kind.
  • She brings an early Christmas Shopping List
  • New stores, with a Grand Opening Sale.

Good stuff right there.

CRex

October 21st, 2010 at 4:05 PM ^

Great work.  I'll be suffering along side you at various furniture stores as we search for a new futon.  I'm being forced to terminate my beloved futon that I purchased used circa 2003 and go out and help my fiancee draft a replacement.  I'll have a phone I check football scores on at least.

Wolverine0056

October 21st, 2010 at 4:06 PM ^

Despite all of this, it’s always worth it when the store comes through and she gets that mythical creature known as the ‘perfect outfit.’  In many ways, it is very much like our devotion to the maize and blue.

How true sir, how true.

Hahahaha this is brilliant. Thanks Six Zero for a great read before the end of the workday. 

UMAmaizinBlue

October 21st, 2010 at 4:10 PM ^

I have officially missed ~15 minutes of my meeting just reading and laughing. This is A+, gold star work. I can't thank you enough for this, honestly. This is most definitely Bump-worthy. Just, WOW!

Big_G

October 21st, 2010 at 4:11 PM ^

I'm also celebrating WifeDay too, but I think that I'll be able to force her to punt a few times and let me drive down the hotel and into the bar for some beer and TV. 

Brother Mouzone

October 23rd, 2010 at 6:48 AM ^

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant  work by Six Zero!!!!  Still laughing and wiping away drool.  

I wish there was a companion piece -  a recruiting preview on possible new talent  and provide details on official and unofficial visits for WifeDay 

As for me.  I refuse to celebrate WifeDay.  I don't play that crap.  I'm the boss!

 

Rashman

October 21st, 2010 at 4:11 PM ^

Who among us can't relate (my wife's baby shower is this weekend -- convenient scheduling)?  Love it.

Would it be strange to say that I'm looking forward to your UFR?

MaizeAndBlueWahoo

October 21st, 2010 at 4:21 PM ^

The IKEA has enormous potential, you know.  The way those things are set up you could spend hours in there that would otherwise be unproductively spent at Talbot's or some place.  The downside, of course, is the lack of TVs.

P.S: nobody write any more diaries, so this one can stay on the front page.

zlionsfan

October 22nd, 2010 at 5:31 PM ^

I would say they're worth the trip, but that's a lie. They're a solid consolation prize for surviving the Swedish Maze of Interminable Buying Opportunities.

I seem to recall some kind of noodles and mashed potatoes, or something, but whatever. The meatballs were good.

WolverineBoston

October 21st, 2010 at 4:22 PM ^

Seriously, this is beyond amazing for a preview.   Are you heading to Bed Bath and Beyond too?  Or maybe there won't be enough time...

I have a slightly different version of bye week activity:  Wife is going to Colorado to visit extended family and friends and see new babies.  Yuck!  Howeva - in a drastic turn of events I plan a trip to Auburn to catch LSU @ Auburn on the Plains. 

 

Jeff

October 21st, 2010 at 5:07 PM ^

That sounds like a great bye week.

I am also lucky, my wife's sister just came in town so they'll spend all of Saturday doing who knows what and I can sit in front of the TV all day long watching every college football game possible.

It's going to be fun not having to worry about the Michigan game.  Yet sad at the same time because we don't get to watch our awesome offense.

ThWard

October 21st, 2010 at 4:33 PM ^

Not the first time I've forwarded an awesome post to my wife.  But will be the first time she gets it (to some degree).

 

Loved this post.

bluebyyou

October 21st, 2010 at 4:37 PM ^

Very well done.

You are getting off easy.  My wife, when my fanaticism was largely directed at the NFL, decided she would buy horses to cover her "lost" Sundays.  So, about ten years ago when my sons headed off to college, I rediscovered college football in a major way (about 60 games at the Big House).

God help me  - I can only surmise what will be next in her bag of tricks.

Oh yeah...aren't there any other games on Saturday, like Iowa-Wisconsin that you would like to watch?  C'mon man, be strong!  College football only lasts for slightly more than three months and then one bowl game.

MGolem

October 21st, 2010 at 4:38 PM ^

After she admitted her new obsession with Michigan Football. She has always watched the games but this season she is dropping more f bombs than ever and I can't get enough. My only hope is that she doesn't see this diary or that she is too excited watching MSU lose to care.

Sidenote: What is up with having no chairs in women's clothing stores for men to sit in? Are they hoping we get annoyed and leave them to wreak havoc on the credit cards? Personally I become a huge prick when I have no where to sit eventually nagging my wife into leaving. Fuck you H&M, Forever 21 and Express.

The FannMan

October 21st, 2010 at 5:02 PM ^

I recall that there was a maternity store than actually had a dad's corner.  It had a chair, a working TV and sports magazines.  When my wife was expecting, she could always get me to go in there my remindnig me of the dad's corner.  I would sit down and basically tell her to take as long as she wanted.  I was happy.  She was happy.  The store got to keep my money.  I never will understand why the heck more stores don't do this.  They could actually have guys pulling their wives into the damn place.  The guys would watch some sports.  The ladies would, of course, retaliate by buying something.  The store would just have to rake in the cash.

ldoublee

October 21st, 2010 at 4:41 PM ^

it's family day for me.  I'm taking my 2-year old to "Boo at the Zoo" in Cleveland...along with my wife and in-laws.   I made sure that our trip was scheduled for the bye week.  

pz

October 21st, 2010 at 4:43 PM ^

I, too, saw the bye week over the summer and pounced on it for a weekend with the girlfriend. Great minds think alike... though she did ask earlier this week if we had to watch any games.

I was tempted since she gave me an opening, but I think I'll just let her have this one given what OSU weekend is now going to do to "The Weekend Formerly Known as Thanksgiving Weekend."