OSU Trustees Claim Vindication

Submitted by Gerald Ford on November 28th, 2018 at 9:00 AM

COLUMBUS (The Harbowitz Report)—Michael J. Gasser, Chair of the Ohio State University Board of Trustees, announced Tuesday that Ohio State’s football victory over arch-rival Michigan represents “a complete and total vindication of the Board’s decision to disregard facts and basic moral guidelines when deciding to retain Coach Urban Meyer.”


Gasser made his incongruous remarks inside a large, obviously oval, stadium known to all OSU fans as “The Horseshoe.”  Speaking on the 50 yard line before an assembly of trustees, university officials, and a smirking Urban Meyer, Gasser commented, “The Board took some heat when we retained Urban. Some people felt strongly we should prioritize character, integrity, and the reputation of The University above winning football games.”


Then pointing triumphantly to a scoreboard still illuminated with the final score of 62-39, Gasser concluded, “But where are those naysayers today?  I’m pretty sure hanging 62 points on That Team Up North fully exonerates Coach Meyer and lays to rest, once and for all, any concerns that this great institution would ever allow itself to put the ephemeral concepts of integrity and morality above the foundational cornerstone of our great University  -  winning football games.”


Following Gasser’s remarks, each Trustee prostrated himself before Meyer and ceremoniously placed the football coach’s cleated foot on their neck in symbolic gesture of pious submission.
 

Comments

Ramblin

November 28th, 2018 at 1:39 PM ^

Oh boy...  Que the OSU and MSU trolls...  "Michigan Arrogance...  You guys act like you have never held a rally for a coach in the immediate aftermath of a domestic abuse scandal."

0-4

November 28th, 2018 at 2:23 PM ^

Of course in Columbus, they don't need Onion-esque satire to entertain themselves. They have [edit:mgowill] a coach that covered up for a domestic abuser for years and their fan base shits in coolers  The Onion wouldn’t want to even try to make that kind of stuff up or they might lose their credibility. I’d suggest that you find something else to do in your free time. Posting here just makes you look pathetic.

 

Ramblin

November 28th, 2018 at 3:03 PM ^

Wow.  You people are fucking crazy...  Good, good, let the hate and resentment of integrity flow through you...

I wanted to stir up the hidden guilt amongst you trolls while exposing your veiled inferiority complex.   

Here you are...  Registered on a Michigan blog.  Putting it out there for everyone to see at the direct request of a Michigan alum.  I ask "que the trolls" and you obey.  I somehow suspect you are used to taking direction...

Enjoy your success in football.  I'll continue to enjoy not being from your state or school.  I'll bring the beer for the next save Meyer rally. 

Actually, in truth, I don't really hate Ohio that much and it sucks to lose.  This is kind of fun though.  

 

Ramblin

November 28th, 2018 at 11:27 PM ^

Dammit Mgowill.  Now my witty reply to that guy doesn't make sense after the edit.  Neither does Ron Utah's.  There is nothing better than letting them prove how dumb they are on their own.  I'd suggest removing that edit.  Then again, I might think I'm wittier than I really am.  I'll let you decide.

Junior18

November 29th, 2018 at 7:12 AM ^

Very well done. Funny (or sad?) part is, like many others here, I fully believed this at first. 

This article has been forwarded to all OSU alums/fans in my unit. Unfortunately, I'm not sure they're able to detect/appreciate satire.