COLUMBUS (The Harbowitz Report)—Michael J. Gasser, Chair of the Ohio State University Board of Trustees, announced Tuesday that Ohio State’s football victory over arch-rival Michigan represents “a complete and total vindication of the Board’s decision to disregard facts and basic moral guidelines when deciding to retain Coach Urban Meyer.”
Gasser made his incongruous remarks inside a large, obviously oval, stadium known to all OSU fans as “The Horseshoe.” Speaking on the 50 yard line before an assembly of trustees, university officials, and a smirking Urban Meyer, Gasser commented, “The Board took some heat when we retained Urban. Some people felt strongly we should prioritize character, integrity, and the reputation of The University above winning football games.”
Then pointing triumphantly to a scoreboard still illuminated with the final score of 62-39, Gasser concluded, “But where are those naysayers today? I’m pretty sure hanging 62 points on That Team Up North fully exonerates Coach Meyer and lays to rest, once and for all, any concerns that this great institution would ever allow itself to put the ephemeral concepts of integrity and morality above the foundational cornerstone of our great University - winning football games.”
Following Gasser’s remarks, each Trustee prostrated himself before Meyer and ceremoniously placed the football coach’s cleated foot on their neck in symbolic gesture of pious submission.