My Personal Journey To Tomorrow

Submitted by jamiemac on September 11th, 2015 at 1:24 PM

(I don't know if I should post this. But I had to write it. I promise content to come that is more in line with the Jamie Mac you have come to know and love, but humor me on this one......)

 

I don't remember anything about last year's Maryland game. I only remember leaving.

 

A few times this offseason, the game's details were brought up in conversation, but every play-by-play morsel was news to me. I do recall the substitute public address announcer for Carl Grapentine being 10 times more excited for every first down than anybody else in the crowd, but nothing else. It was the final home game of one of the most miserable Michigan seasons most of us can remember, and given some of our more recent times, that's actually saying something. Despite Michigan's losing season, we trekked up to Ann Arbor from Toledo for one more tailgate. Part out of duty, part out of respect for the players, and part out of the fact that that's just what fans do. Only half of us actually attended the game. I was part of that group. We spent most of the first half wondering around the sparse crowd and sitting in different seats throughout the stadium just to stay warm and entertained. How many times can you so openly seat jump at the Big House? Wait, let's not talk about that.

 

As halftime approached, we had had enough. The weather was cold. The football was miserable. Most of the rest of our crew was at a bar. It was time to join them. I was fine with that until we were actually about to leave the stadium grounds. While my friends hustled out to flag a cab on Stadium Boulevard, I froze, not wanting to pass through the exit gates the way Archie Moonlight Graham didn't want to cross over the first baseline in the movie Field Of Dreams. Moonlight knew he would not be able to play ball on the Field of Dreams anymore once he crossed over that baseline. And I was afraid that once I left Michigan Stadium, I would never return.

 

I've always had on again, off again migraine issues throughout my life, but in 2012, the headaches began to get bigger and more frequent. Blood pressure medication soothed the issue for awhile, but by the spring of 2013 the migraines were not only back, but they had found another gear and often came accompanied by violent nausea. Here is how a typical day would play out. I'd have a slight headache. I would get on the phone with a customer, and the headache would mushroom to the point where I couldn't talk anymore. When the call ended, I'd rush to the bathroom to puke. This is not normal behavior. Of course, I'm seeing a doctor through all of this, but the medications just weren't working and causing frustrating side effects (gout, puffed up extremities, even more severe headaches). Eventually the problem was identified. My kidneys were failing, partly through high blood pressure and partly through the fact that that is sometimes what happens to the body as we age. Shit happens and you just have to deal with it. I got myself a kidney specialist and rather quickly she was able to administer a proper medicinal routine that stopped the headaches and, while it didn't fix the kidney functions, it kept them from getting worse. As 2013 ended, I had dodged the dialysis bullet.

 

But the good health did not last. By spring, I was getting constant stomach aches that felt like somebody was always kicking me in the belly. At first, I thought it was just a changing-of-the-seasons sort of virus and did not think anything of it. But I couldn't shake it. And it was getting worse. I could not eat anything. Most days, a single bite of food disgusted me. At the same time, I was somehow always in the bathroom with differing degrees of diarrhea. The foods I could stomach were going straight through me. It was weird, scary and confusing. It was like I had a little bit of every possible eating disorder known. By August, I was not much of a functioning human being. Since I could not nourish my body, it was tough to get very far into the day without significant rest. I was regularly going to bed before sundown because I lacked the energy to do anything else. Of course, I was also up in the middle of night for endless hours in the bathroom. Months were spent going through rounds of specialists, tests, and proddings until finally they figured out all I had was Crohn's Disease. Very treatable stuff. By the middle of September, I had new medicinal regimen to take care of this and instantly began feeling better. So much better, that I might have partied a wee bit too hard during the Miami tailgate.

 

But those good times lasted shorter than the good health at the beginning of the year did. By the end of September, my body began inexplicably falling apart. This was not a slow devolution either. It happened overnight. And I don't know how to fully explain the conditions I felt without doubling the size of this post. Nobody wants that. I'll try to be brief. Major breathing issues, chest pains, sweats. I struggled walking to and from our tailgate to the stadium during the Minnesota game. I couldn't walk more than a couple of blocks without having to stop. As the next week went on basic household chores and walking up the stairs in my house proved too much. Is this what dying feels like? Unbeknownst to Brian and Ace, I almost didn't make it through our podcast the morning after the Rutgers game. I was scared. I spent the rest of the day with my phone in my hands, expecting to call 911 any second.

 

By Monday, I could not wait any longer. I checked myself into the emergency room, assuming I was having some sort of cardiac arrest. So did all the doctors, given my condition. As it turns out, that wasn't the case. We were back to that unfamiliar place of having something major wrong with me, but having no clue what it was. I stayed in the hospital that whole week, unable to walk down their hallways without passing out, complete basic breathing tests and baffling another new team of doctors. As it turns out, my body had rejected the medication they had put me on for the Crohn's. And by rejecting it, I mean the medications gave me a serious of strokes that were increasing in number and strength. I mean, come on universe. Really? So off that medication I went, new medications were prescribed and I was released the day before the Penn State game, which I obviously did not attend.

 

During all that, we also did a routine kidney ultrasound that uncovered a small spots on the left kidney. To find out more, we did MRIs and a very invasive procedure (for men) to find out more. And when that procedure struggled to identify it, we did it again. Eventually, the verdict was a tumor, albeit a tiny one, at least for the time being. The decision was to monitor it over the winter and see how it progresses, but phrases like renal cancer and organ removal all of sudden were on the table. Maybe it wouldn't grow and this was a false alarm? But I knew better based on the last couple of years that whatever the worst case situation was, that we were going to at least flirt with it.

 

So as we left the Maryland game last year, I had doubts about everything. Health issues had been piling up and the specter of something even worse loomed. I knew if things truly did go south over the next few months, I might not make it back here. While my friends hailed a cab, I just could not leave. I needed a moment. I gathered myself by the Victors Colonnade monument and took a deep breath just to level myself. I said a prayer and a thanks to my grandparents, who have long since passed, but who first brought me to the Stadium during Anthony Carter's freshman year. And I took another deep breath and let the memories of all the good times at this place and in this town wash over me. If I were to do a top-10 personal moments of every year type of retrospective, most years it would be hard to push at least one memory from the UM home schedule off the list. I just always have such a good time at tailgates and games. It was like that as a child. It was like that as a teen. It was like that in my 20s. It was like that in my 30s. And it is like that now in my 40s. But was this this final chapter? Eventually I noticed my friends piling into the cab and I hustled to join them. As we disappeared into the Ann Arbor night, I looked back a few times until the stadium lights could no longer be seen. While I wondered if I would ever return, I tried not to let my friends see how much I had been crying.

 

Obviously since I am writing this, there is a happy ending. But not before clearing more hurdles. The symptoms I was told to look out for began showing themselves by the end of March. We quickly moved up follow up appointments that weren't scheduled for another six weeks. The tumor had almost tripled in size and it was clear it wasn't benign. Life moved pretty quickly at that point. After coming up to Ann Arbor for a second opinion, I decided to have the surgery in mid-June at the University of Michigan Health System's Oncology Center. Before I knew it, the day of the surgery arrived. We removed the tumor and about half my kidney in the process. I am cancer free. But I still have stomach issues. And I'm now trying to fight suboptimal kidney performance with less than 2 kidneys. Its unclear what the long-term future holds on that front, but so far everything is holding up great.

 

It was a hard summer of post-op recovery. Truthfully, it's been a long, hard, lonely three years. Often, the depression encountered with these ups and downs have been as difficult as anything else to overcome. And I have plenty of days where I'm still fighting that off. What pushes me forward most days is realizing that life is a ride and that there are millions of people out there whose health struggles are much worse and more challenging to overcome than mine. I honestly don't know how people with more aggressive cancers manage it. In every waiting and recovery room that I've been in these recent years, I have found people with harder struggles, higher hurdles and scarier diagnoses. Inspirations, all of them. You all know or will know somebody who has to go through these kinds of struggles. Be there for them. Rework your schedule and make them a priority. They need your support and companionship, even if it looks like they're doing alright.

 

As I write this today, I feel as healthy, athletic and optimistic as I have in three years. Maybe there is another shoe out there ready to drop, but I don't care. All I want now is solid run of good health so I can reconnect with old friends, make new friends and just have some fun. I've been slowly making the social rounds and even gone on a couple dates. I've dusted off an old manuscript that I going to finally figure out how to publish and I'm going to start writing again. I actually went to a concert a few weeks back, an activity that seemed unheard of for most of the last several years. I feel like I am back. And tomorrow, I'm going back to Michigan Stadium.

It's not the return that's making the headlines this week. But it's been the only return I've cared about since last November.

 

Go Blue. Beat Oregon State.

Comments

JeepinBen

September 11th, 2015 at 1:34 PM ^

Just with how well this diary was written, I'd buy that manuscript. Glad you'll be back in the Big House and that you're feeling better. I'll put my money on JamieMac over the cancer, no matter what the line is.

mrkid

September 11th, 2015 at 1:47 PM ^

Gah Damnit its dusty in here. Not on a Friday, man! I promised myself I wouldn't let dust get in my eyes today.

Seriously, great write up and happy to hear you're doing better! As I'm at the game tomorrow, I won't be able to help myself but to think of you at some point and hope you're enjoying the game. Soak it all in, you deserved it.

Keep up the good fight man and stop writing things that make the dust fall!

Everyone Murders

September 11th, 2015 at 2:22 PM ^

It's so good to hear you put a voice to the health struggles that so many face, and the role that sports can play as a comfort zone during difficult times. 

Enjoy the game, and definitely continue writing!

Darker Blue

September 11th, 2015 at 2:28 PM ^

Thanks for sharing this Jamie. 

I'm glad that things are slowly getting better. 

The MGoWorld loves you. 

Hell "Book It" wouldn't be a thing without you. 

I hope you have many more trips to MICHIGAN Stadium. 

MICH

MAgoBLUE

September 11th, 2015 at 4:34 PM ^

"You can't kill a man who was born to hang".

 

I get a lot of enjoyment from reading your posts on here, listening to you on the MGoPodcast, following you on twitter, and checking in on the JCB.  Here's to many more years of the entertaining and unique perspective you bring to this community.  Go Jamie!  Go Blue!

hazardc

September 11th, 2015 at 4:43 PM ^

The mental hurdles are often as tough as the physical ones... Truly touching story, and relatable.

Nothing is better than feeling like "you" again.

..got some of that dust in my eyes.....ick

Godspeed sir, go blue. See you at home tomorrow. I've got a feeling there's gonna be a lot of energy in the house :)

jlvanals

September 11th, 2015 at 4:44 PM ^

Just Cover Blog is always amazing and your comments on the podcast are always spot on.  You seem like an all around great guy, mostly because you're also an Indiana grad.  Keep fighting the good fight and glad you're back!  

South Bend Wolverine

September 11th, 2015 at 5:00 PM ^

"I just always have such a good time at tailgates and games. It was like that as a child. It was like that as a teen. It was like that in my 20s. It was like that in my 30s. And it is like that now in my 40s."

This whole post is phenomenal - well-written, evocative without being sappy, thorough without being wordy, and so on.  This line, to me, is what cuts to the heart of it.  At the end of the day, all the different flashy fads come and go, but this is what remains.  We have a good time together.  We have a good time with family, with friends, and with total strangers who just happen to be wearing the right colors.  It's not so complicated in the end.  I'm glad you get at least another year, hopefully many more, of having a good time.

Ray

September 11th, 2015 at 5:40 PM ^

I had extra upvotes for this.  What a story.  Glad things are looking up and I hope you get to see many, many more games at the Big House.  Enjoy tomorrow's.

MGoUberBlue

September 11th, 2015 at 6:04 PM ^

As we are for you.

Your diary was a wonderful description of very difficult times and we hope that you continue the recovery in a positive manner.

"All I had was Crohn's Disease"....that is very serious stuff and your depiction of that being not a big deal typifies your character and ability to handle potentially very serious matters that must be admired by all of us.

Get well and Go Blue!

 

juiceman

September 11th, 2015 at 11:29 PM ^

All the best to you Jamiemac. A brilliant mind and true contrarian bettor. I've been checking Just Cover Blog twice a week, waiting for that first post since March. Hope to be surprised soon!

UMgradMSUdad

September 12th, 2015 at 12:59 AM ^

It really sucks to have an autoimmune disease.  I have ulcerative colitis and it can be a bitch.  Then to have cancer and  issues on top of that, that's really tough. Keep on keeping on.

M-Dog

September 12th, 2015 at 12:59 AM ^

Thanks for the perspective.  It's not easy to put yourself out there like that, but as you get older you come across more and more people that are going through something similar.  They can emphasize and they appreciate the honesty.

It puts things like football games into perspective.  Michigan football games and tailgating and the whole scene should be fun.  There are plenty of other serious things in life to actually worry about.

If the team does great, it's a bouns.  If not, there are other more important things to be concerned with.

 

WNY in Savannah

September 12th, 2015 at 3:20 AM ^

I am writing this at 3 AM because I couldn't sleep and came downstairs to read some Mgoblog stuff that I missed this week.  I mention this because now that I'm getting older, I sometimes have trouble sleeping and I get really annoyed by this and whine about it.  And I am a complete idiot to be bothered by something so minor.  I am really very lucky and I have no business complaining about anything.  Horrible migraines and nausea, crohn's disease, cancerous kidney...vs. occasional trouble sleeping.  I have no business complaining.

I have always enjoyed your contributions to the podcasts, and I thank you for posting this.  I'm sorry you have been going through so much, but I am glad you are doing better.  I hope you continue to recover and feel better.  I look forward to hearing more from you, and it's clear that many others do, too.  Thanks again.

YakAttack

September 13th, 2015 at 4:04 PM ^

Thank you for sharing your journey. I have had two big scares the last year. I had a benign spot removed from my temple that has left me with a 2 inch scar that will never fully look normal. The second, found during a chest x-ray for pneumonia, was a tumor on my upper right humerus. After consulting with Dr. Biermann at the U of M Cancer Center (whom I highly recommend if you ever have an osteosarcoma scare) it was found to be benign as well.

 

So I can relate on those anxious moments waiting to hear your fate and having very little to nothing to do about it.

mtzlblk

September 18th, 2015 at 11:56 AM ^

.....an lengthy.....recovery. 

Thanks for the perspective and a reminder of exactly what is precious in this world, your health and the people you care about to enjoy it with. Everything else is is chatter.

StephenRKass

September 18th, 2015 at 12:02 PM ^

Thanks much for posting. I missed this the first time. Powerful piece, and really gets at the importance of friendships and relationships and memories, and also on seizing the day, and using time well, and letting go of things that don't matter. Thank you. Prayers for your continued health.

IB6UB9

September 18th, 2015 at 12:06 PM ^

As a life long migraine sufferer myself I can both empathize (with at least that part of your story) and be scared shitless at the same time.  Thank you for sharing as men we often ignore what our body is screaming at us.

InterM

September 18th, 2015 at 1:00 PM ^

Surely you must have said something to offend someone?  Either the folks around here are getting soft, or Seth is right that you are the "nicest Michigan fan you'll ever meet."

Seriously, though, thank goodness for this week's "Dear Diary," because I otherwise would have missed your post and that would have been a shame.  Your contributions to the podcast are invaluable -- you always seem to come up with the statistics that perfectly capture the "BIG TENNNN!!!" moments from the past week's games -- but this post is at a whole 'nother level.  Here's hoping you are through the worst of your health issues, and that you are able to continue to enjoy Michigan games and tailgating into your 50's, 60's, 70's, and beyond!

Eberwhite82

September 18th, 2015 at 1:45 PM ^

So... I've been primarily a lurker, and really confined a lot of that to lurking in the comments sections on articles on the front page.

In fact, this is really first time I've even read an item from a Dear Diary post.

This one got me. I think I'll be spending a bit more time on the boards...