Monty Python and the Unholy Coaching Change

Submitted by El Jeffe on January 9th, 2011 at 10:59 AM

[Ed.: Bumped for awesome.]

For pathos purposes only.

Rodriguez: Trouble at Schembechler!

Assistant: Oh no - what kind of trouble?

Rodriguez: One on't zone reed gone owt askew on spreadshred.

Assistant: Pardon?

Rodriguez: One on't zone reed gone owt askew on spreadshred.

Assistant: I don't understand what you're saying.

Rodriguez: [slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent] One of the zone reads has gone out askew in the spread n’ shred.

Assistant: Well what on earth does that mean?

Rodriguez: I don't know – Mr. Magee just told me to come in here and say that there was trouble at Schembechler, that's all - I didn't expect a kind of Coaching Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The door flies open and Cardinal David Brandon of Domino’s enters, flanked by two junior cardinals. Cardinal Rosenberg has goggles pushed over his forehead. Cardinal Fatcatalumnus is just Cardinal Fatcatalumnus]

Brandon: NOBODY expects the Coaching Inquisition! Our chief Replacement Candidate is Hoke...Hoke and Miles...Miles and Hoke.... Our two Replacement Candidates are Miles and Hoke...and Patterson.... Our three Replacement Candidates are Miles, Hoke, and Patterson...and an almost fanatical devotion to Harbaugh.... Our four...no... Amongst our Replacement Candidates.... Amongst our Replacement Candidatery...are such candidates as Miles, Hoke.... I'll come in again.

[The Cardinals exit]

Rodriguez: I didn't expect a kind of Coaching Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals burst in]

Brandon: NOBODY expects the Coaching Inquisition! Amongst our Replacement Candidatery are such diverse candidates as: Miles, Hoke, Patterson, an almost fanatical devotion to Harbaugh, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn!

[To Cardinal Rosenberg] I can't say it - you'll have to say it.

Rosenberg: What?

Brandon: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief Replacement Candidates are ...'

Rosenberg: [rather horrified]: I couldn't do that...

[Brandon bundles the cardinals outside again]

Rodriguez: I didn't expect a kind of Coaching Inquisition.

[JARRING CHORD]

[The cardinals enter]

Rosenberg: Er.... Nobody...um....

Brandon: Expects...

Rosenberg: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Coaching...um...

Brandon: Coaching Inquisition...

Rosenberg: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Coaching Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -

Brandon: Our chief Replacement Candidates are...

Rosenberg: Our chief Replacement Candidates are...um...er...

Brandon: Hoke...

Rosenberg: Hoke and --

Brandon: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief Replacement Candidates are Hoke...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges.

Fatcatalumnus: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the House of Bo. 'My old Michigan Man said follow the--'

Rosenberg: That's enough.

[To Rodriguez] Now, how do you plead?

Rodriguez: I’m innocent.

Brandon: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

Rosenberg: We'll soon change your mind about that!

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

Brandon: Miles, Hoke, and a most fanatical -- [controls himself with a supreme effort] Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the MAJOR VIOLATIONS!

[Rosenberg produces a ONE-PAGE LIST OF NCAA MAJOR VIOLATIONS. Brandon looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger]

Brandon: You....Right! Tie him down.

[Fatcatalumnus and Rosenberg make a pathetic attempt to tie Rodriguez to the sheet of NCAA Major Violations]

Brandon: Right! How do you plead?

Rodriguez: Innocent.

Brandon: Ha! Right! Cardinal, make the public [oh dear] make the public believe the violations.

[Rosenberg stands there awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders]

Rosenberg: I....

Brandon: [gritting his teeth] I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.

Rosenberg: I...

Brandon: It makes it all seem so stupid.

Rosenberg: Shall I...?

Brandon: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!

[Rosenberg pretends to publish the violations in the Free Press using a plastic coated dish rack as a printing press]

[Cut to them torturing Rodriguez]

Brandon: Now, Rodriguez -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by Game Captains, heresy by Hick Accent, heresy by Not Understanding the Rivalry, and heresy by the Number One Jersey -- four counts. Do you confess?

Rodriguez: I don't understand what I'm accused of.

Brandon: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Rosenberg! Fetch...THE INFLATABLE MICHIGAN MAN SEX DOLL!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Rosenberg holds out an INFLATABLE MICHIGAN MAN SEX DOLL]

Rosenberg: Here it is, Lord.

Brandon: Now, Rodriguez -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of Tiny Slot Ninjas, reject the works of Casteel -- two last chances. And you shall be free -- three last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of which I have divulged in my previous utterance.

Rodriguez: I don't know what you're talking about.

Brandon: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Cardinal! Poke him with the Inflatable Michigan Man Sex Doll!

[Rosenberg carries out this rather pathetic torture]

Brandon: Confess! Confess! Confess!

Rosenberg: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, Lord.

Brandon: Have you got all the air in the schlong?

Rosenberg: Yes, Lord.

Brandon [angrily hurling away the Inflatable Michigan Man Sex Doll]: Hmm! He is made of harder stuff! Cardinal Fatcatalumnus! Fetch...THE $2.5 MILLION BUYOUT!

[JARRING CHORD]

[Zoom into Fatcatalumnus's horrified face]

Fatcatalumnus [terrified]: The...$2.5 million buyout?

[Rosenberg pushes in a GIANT PILE OF MONEY]

Brandon: So you think you are strong because you can survive the Inflatable Michigan Man Sex Doll. Well, we shall see. Rosenberg! Put him in the Giant Pile of Money!

[They roughly push him into the Giant Pile of Money]

Brandon [with a cruel leer]: Now -- you will stay in the Giant Pile of Money until another coaching job opens up, with only a year-long break on ESPN as an analyst. [Aside, to Rosenberg] Is that really all it is?

Rosenberg: Yes, Lord.

Brandon: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess, man. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!

Rosenberg: I confess!

Brandon: Not you!

exeunt

 

 

Comments

Derek

January 8th, 2011 at 3:03 PM ^

I was just wondering if I should have chosen to watch Life of Brian this evening rather than Vicky Christina Barcelona (it's 9 pm here in France, you English pig-dogs!). Now I know I chose poorly. This was an excellent diary. Kudos!

Blazefire

January 8th, 2011 at 10:11 PM ^

Clerk of the court: "Call Ms. Fiona Media Talking Head!"

MSM Talking Head as Fiona Lewis: "(taking bible) I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so anyway, I said to her, I said, they can't afford that on what we pay, I mean for a start the NFL get up your nose, I ask you, four and six a pound, and him with a brother already there, I don't know how she puts up with it after all the trouble she's had with her you-know-what. Anyway it was the 49'ers much to everyone's surprise, of course they bought everything on the hire purchase, I think they ought to send them back where they came from in Palo Alto, I mean you've got to be cruel to be kind. So Mr Hoke said, so he said, he said, he said, the dead crab he said, he said. Well, her sister's gone to Rhodesia what with her womb and all, and her youngest, her youngest as thin as a filing cabinet, and the goldfish, the goldfish they've got whooping cough they keep spitting water all over their Bratbys, well, they do don't they, I mean you can't, can you, I mean he's not even qualified or anything, he's not even produced enough, and he's in the KGB if you ask me, he says he's a Michigan Man but I don't like the sound of his liver, all that squeaking and banging every night till the small hours, his mother's been much better since she had her head off, yes she has, I said, don't you talk to me about bladders, I said..."

Informed fans: Mr. Brandon, I fail to see the relevance of your last witness.

Dave Brandon: Beg you pardon, Judge, but I believe my next witness will clear that up.

Clerk of the Court: Calling the late rumor with no basis on the coaching search!

Informed fans: The LATE rumor on the coaching search?

Dave Brandon: Yes, Judge.

(A casket is brought in and placed on the witness stand)

Informed Fans: Do you think there is any point in questioning baseless rumors, Mr. Brandon?

Dave Brandon: What?

Informed Fans: Well, I mean, your rumor is without merit.

Dave Brandon: Yes, well, virtually, M'lord.

Informed Fans: It's not completely without merit?

Dave Brandon: No, M'lord. But it's not credible at all. The casket is merely a precaution. If I may continue. Latest Rumor on the coaching search, you are a rumor first posted on the Rival's message board claiming to be from someone who knows someone who knows someone who spoke privately to an either attractive or ridiculous name for the coaching search?

(Bang from inside the coffin)

Informed Fans: What was that?

Dave Brandon: It means yes, m'lord. One knock for yes, two knocks for no. If I may continue. Latest baseless rumor, would it be fair to say that your origins are questionable? (Bang) Rumor, not to put too fine of a point on it, but would it be fair to say that you are, as it were, what is generally known as, in a manner of speaking, ridiculous, and could be discredited completely at any moment? (Silence) Rumor, I put it to you that you are worthless and could be a dead rumor the minute the name you mention says otherwise. (Silence) Ah Ha!

Informed Fans: Where is all this leading us?

Dave Brandon: That will become apparent in one moment m'lud. (walking over to coffin) Rumor, are you considering the question or are you just dead? (silence) I think I'd better take a look m'lud. (he opens the coffin and looks inside) No further questions m'lud.

Informed Fans: What do you mean, no further questions? You can't just dump a dead, pointless rumor in my court and say 'no further questions'. I demand an explanation.

Dave Brandon: There are no easy answers in this coaching search, m'lord.

Informed Fans: I think you haven't got the slightest idea what this seach is about.

Dave Brandon: M'lud the strange, damnable, almost diabolic threads of this extraordinary tangled web of intrigue will shortly m'lud reveal a search so fiendish, so infernal, so heinous ...

Informed Fans: The previous coach has already assembled a fine recruiting class. We just want a guy who will win.

Dave Brandon: Win, Shcmin, m'lord. We must leave no stone unturned in this search. Call Cardinal Miles.

Informed Fans: Oh, you're just trying to string this search out. Les Miles?

Dave Brandon: A Michigan Man Character, M'lord.

 

YERAC XELA

January 9th, 2011 at 11:16 AM ^

BREAKING NEWS

 

Michigan has offered Tressel a 4 year 30 million dollar contract on the table.

 

i guess U of M has just decided if you CANT BEAT UM, join um

 

i hope this can resurrect our program. Although not a "Michigan Man", Tressel does know our program pretty well as he has beaten us 9 out of the past 10 years.

 

source; my 5 year old sister

Robocoach

January 9th, 2011 at 11:20 AM ^

is the killer rabbit! Well done! A nice distraction while we await the snail-like pace of "The Process". Stanford will have replaced Harbaugh before we move.