MGoFiction: Inferno-Canto VI

Submitted by formerlyanonymous on July 15th, 2010 at 1:28 PM

In the loosely adapted ways of Dante, I present to you the sixth canto of Formerly's Football Inferno. I promise nothing when it comes to grammar, punctuation, logical plots, or anything that normally goes into story writing.

For those of you unfamiliar, Dante walks through each region of hell to learn the sins and punishment by talking to those souls trapped. In this canto, we aren't visiting a level of hell as much as a ring around it. In Dante's fifth circle, we have the wrathful, those who fight each other, destined to stay underwater where they will find no solace in man, God, or the universe.

Past Cantos:

Canto I Canto II Canto III Canto IV Canto V

Canto VI

Coming down the slope to the 5th circle of hell, we could see in the far distance the river Styx and a great wall. This level of hell is rather thin, as you can see all the way across it. It's also noticeably barren. There are no geological formations, just flat land leading to the great river of the underworld. It doesn't even dawn on me until we've almost reached the river that there haven't been a soul in sight.

I turned to Crockett, asking him, "What's up with this circle? Are there no souls damned to it?"

"Patience, partner. You'll get your answer and then some when we reach the river."

What's with cryptic messages about my future coming from these spirits. I guess I should heed his warning. The last few hours have been horrible as I stare at the godzillatron. Michigan just lost to Toledo. As the final seconds clicked of the clock, all hell seemed to shake.

So as we got close to the river, I turned back to Davy and ask how is it we're supposed to cross the river when three souls in the water pop up. The first wore a shirt with the words "G0B1U34W350M3!Scout". The second wore a shirt with the words "HaiL2DaVictorzRIVALZ". The last wore a shirt with the words "Promote RichRod".

G0B1U3 speaks first, "Obviously you have to build a boat and float across. Did you go to a public school? The public school I went to is ranked #2 out of all public schools. That makes me smart."

HaiL2Da responded second, "u dont have 2 go to da skool 2 b smrt dumass. Just ford da river d00d. itll b cool."

Promote RichRod then came up third, "Hey formerly, remember me? I'm the handle that died when my owner went to be a lawyer at the University of Michigan Law School."

"OF COURSE I remember you," I reply as I reminisce Promote RichRod's awesome policing of the early board. "You must have retired after I left on my pilgrimage."

"Yeah, I had a pretty epic ending. I asked "Cutting up the middle" means cutting into Outback's sirloin special, right?  Ended this handle's life just a few hours ago. Too many uninformative titles, not enough off topic tags, and dammit, just not enough people who can handle my University of Michigan Law School intellect."

"You're definitely the same guy. So why are you down here?" I asked. "I know you've been to plenty of games and been a loyal Michigan fan."

Promote RichRod replied, "you see, people who post stupid things about Michigan on message boards get sent to fight it out in the current of the River Styx. That explains tweedle dee and tweedle dumb over there. You think mgoboard can get bad, you should hear these douchebags day after day. The good news is we at least all gang up on the stupid MLive posters. We keep them submerged to the bottom."

I nod my head in agreement. Putting up with Scout board style comments would be rough. It's why I've always liked mgoblog haloscan comments. The sense of community doesn't take kindly to stupid or superficial people, well minus that one night where 00goblue00 mentioned she had tits. "Fair enough. Any suggestions to crossing the river that don't come from the Oregon Trail?"

"Yeah, there's a ferry that will take you to the gates of the great city. You just need to wonder in that direction," says Promote RichRod as he points up the coast. "It'll be hard to miss."

"Thanks dude, and good luck."

Davy and I then walked away as the three posters started fighting each other on the topic of the values of running zone left three times and punting. If I wasn't already in hell, I think my soul would have just died a little bit.



July 15th, 2010 at 9:28 PM ^

Is as good as it gets even around here. That is Brian-level stuff -- what separates MGoboard from the residents of the hell you described. Keep 'em coming!


July 15th, 2010 at 10:07 PM ^

Familiarity. I've stated that I won't be using any current posters, but him being someone that those of us can remember, it adds something to it, exaggeration included. Dante often used people he had known in life as contacts. Consider the loose affiliation between myself, mgoblog, and Promote RichRod to be along those same lines.

Also, to the general readership, I swear I wrote this canto months ago, and its timing had nothing to do with any off season spats that may have happened recently.