I Have To Return Some Videotapes

Submitted by Brodie on January 26th, 2009 at 5:12 PM

Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, I may show up at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open.


chitownblue (not verified)

January 26th, 2009 at 5:14 PM ^

Paul Allen has mistaken me for this dickhead Marcus Halberstram. It seems logical because Marcus also works at P&P and in fact does the same exact thing I do and he also has a penchant for Valentino suits and Oliver Peoples glasses. Marcus and I even go to the same barber, although I have a slightly better haircut.


January 26th, 2009 at 5:21 PM ^

Apparently, Christian Bale had the director LOL-ing with his little "dance" as he heads back to the kitchen to retrieve the axe. This movie is chock full of awesome quotes and footage. I especially like it when 'Patrick' is checking himself out in the mirror while screwing the whores. That and when he launches the chainsaw down the stair well to impale that hooker. Ha!

Bielfeldt's Calves

January 26th, 2009 at 6:00 PM ^

Well, we have to end apartheid for one. And slow down the nuclear arms race, stop terrorism and world hunger. We have to provide food and shelter for the homeless, and oppose racial discrimination and promote civil rights, while also promoting equal rights for women. We have to encourage a return to traditional moral values. Most importantly, we have to promote general social concern and less materialism in young people.

Zone Read Left

January 26th, 2009 at 6:10 PM ^

I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your asshole. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

Six Zero

January 26th, 2009 at 7:10 PM ^

Evil Incarnate.

All things cruel and wrong and bad about the world can be traced to him. And even worse-- he stalks me. That's right man, HE FREAKIN' STALKS ME!!

In the mall... at a restaurant chosen by inlaws... In elevators... On the phone with customer service professionals... HE's EVERYWHERE, because he wants to bring me pain and suffering.

AND to all of you as well. Beware him, fellow Wolverines... beware Phil Collins.


January 26th, 2009 at 7:27 PM ^

The movie is great, but go pick up the book.

In one chapter, he takes a vacation to the beach which "cures" him for a while, but after a few days he has sex with his girlfriend while she's passed out, gets drunk, stumbles down to the beach, drags a giant dead jellyfish back to the house, attempts to microwave it, eats a piece of it, vomits, attempts to feed the jellyfish to a puppy he bought for his girlfriend, the puppy refuses to eat it, and he shoots the puppy. The next day they go back to NYC.


January 27th, 2009 at 1:53 AM ^

that Whitney Houston's debut LP called simply "Whitney Houston" had four number-one singles on it? Did you know that, Christy? Whitney's voice leaps across so many boundaries and is so versatile -- though she's mainly a jazz singer -- that it's hard to take in the album on a first listening.
It's hard to choose a favorite track among so many great ones, but "The Greatest Love Of All" is one of the best, most powerful songs ever written about self-preservation and dignity. Its universal message crosses all boundaries, and instills one with the hope that it's not too late to better ourselves, to act kinder. Since, Elizabeth, it's impossible in the world we live in to empathize with others, we can always empathize with ourselves.
It's an important message, crucial really, and it's beautifully stated on the album.


January 27th, 2009 at 3:33 PM ^

PB: You like Huey Lewis and the News?
PA: Yeah, they're OK.
PB: Their early work was a little too 'new wave' for my taste. But, when Sports came out in '83, I think they really came into their own, commercially and artistically.
PB: The whole album has a clear, crisp sound and a new sheen of consummate professionalism that really gives the songs a big boost.
PB: He's been compared to Elvis Costello but I think Huey has a far more bitter, cynical sense of humor.
PA: Hey Haberstram
PB: Yes Allen?
PA: Why are there copies of the Style section all over the place? You have a dog, a little Chow (laughing) or something?
PB: No Allen.
PA: Is that a rain coat?
PB: Yes, it is.
PB: In '87, Huey released this: Four, Their most accomplished album. I think their undisputed masterpiece is 'Hip to Be Square', a song so catchy most people probably don't listen to the lyrics. But, they should because it's not just about the pleasures of conformity and the importance of trends it's also a personal statement about the band itself. Hey Paul!