I Hate Everything

Submitted by Swayze Howell Sheen on November 28th, 2010 at 8:20 AM

After games like this, or actually during games like this, I can feel a simple feeling inside of me: hate. A pure and simple emotion, and one that shouldn't be suppressed. And as the game progressed, I realize that my hate is very generic and can be applied to most anything and everyone. And yes, this is a form of therapy, so please indulge me.

I hate Matt Millen. Did you ever see a guy come less prepared to a game? A bunch of people have said "well, at least he's a good color commentator" which is complete horse crap - he clearly knew very little about Michigan and would just make things up on the fly about various players. Like that Mouton is one of those "smart, cagey" veterans who knows where to be on the field, but just gets beat physically sometimes (he seriously said something of this nature). And on and on. Man am I sick of Millen - and I won't even mention how he ran the Lions into the ground in epic fashion, or at least I won't dwell on it. 

Millen: Bad at everything

I hate those goddamned three buckeye fans they show over and over and over and over again. You know the guys: cowboy guy in white, crazy hair with nut necklace, and silver face. All are pretty fat. Note to camera people: THERE ARE OTHER FANS IN THE STANDS. Christ, they should make a movie about them. It would go something like this: three losers get way over-dressed up every week to watch football. During the rest of the week, they live at home with their mothers, who beat them. It is not a good movie, probably foreign.

This is silver face. I hate him, even if he missed Stef.

I have Jim Tressel. Oh fuck all of you who say "well, he's classy" and all of that shit. He is a smug asshole and he coaches the other team - do you really need to pump that guy up? And seriously, if I hear him talk one more time, well, actually I never hear him talk, because by the third word, I am asleep. Could a guy be more fucking boring? And if I hear him talk about how this senior class is special, Christ, YOU SAY THAT EVERY DAMN YEAR. I hate you, and I hate your senior class.

A Hawaiian shirt, seriously?

I hate those little gold pants they give each buckeye who beats Michigan. It's a PAIR OF PANTS, asshole. I don't care about your stupid traditions, and I sure don't care how many pairs of tiny pants you have. Why don't you buy some tiny dolls to go with those tiny pants, that would be swell. At least by losing a lot, the tradition is being confused: current players probably just think Tressel likes tiny pants and gives them to the players at the end of the year. Of course, if they could stay awake during his speeches, they might know better.

Stupid gold pants: they are so special you can buy them on ebay.

I hate Jim Harbaugh. Why? BECAUSE HE IS NOT OUR DAMNED COACH. And until he is, I hate him, pretty much like I hate all other coaches.

See how it says "STANFORD HEAD COACH"?

I hate people who cheer for the "Big Ten" during Bowl Season. Christ, you think I'm going to get all excited for MSU or OSU during their bowl game? Fuck that - I cheer for them to lose, and I cheer for it to be a blowout. Really, the only thing that remains positive in my mind about 2006 was watching OSU get destroyed in the bowl game. The look on Tressel's face that night was precious. If you watch closely, you can see him reach into his pockets near the end of game, and rub a tiny pair of gold pants. Well, he is rubbing something in there, that I'm sure of. 

Are you seriously going to cheer for this asshole?

I hate stupid fans. Especially when they call into talk radio, over and over again, to say the same damned things. I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK THEY SHOULD FIRE RICH ROD. Of course, I also hate myself for listening to talk radio, which is generally a waste of time and grey matter. 

This is Sam Webb, whom I actually like (Ira too).

I hate people who can't understand that we essentially started the entire football program over. It's kind of like a plane crashed with Lloyd's team on it, and we had to start from scratch. That's how you should judge the team, dammit. Almost everyone good on the team is a sophomore, and many of those would be redshirt freshman on a normal team. WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? I KNOW WHY: BECAUSE YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE RANDOM FAN WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND BASIC THINGS.

This is the second hit for "dumb people" on google images

I hate people who cheer for Michigan to lose, so that we can fire the coach. There probably aren't many of you, but you suck. When you see a young team, physically overmatched in so many positions, trying so hard out there every week, even when the results aren't there, and you cheer against them, you are nothing but the most horrible kind of asshole. The team puts in a lot of effort, never quits, and all you do, sucky fan, is sit there and hope that they lose. Fuck off.

I hate Kirk Herbstreit. I saw him in person at a gameday once, and let me tell you, he is surprisingly short. And, surprisingly still a douchebag. I am hoping that he catches a stroke from Corso, though my sources tell me it isn't contagious. Oh well, maybe Corso, in some stroke-fueled rage, will stab Herbstreit repeatedly while putting on some kind of goofy hat. Desmond will just watch, smiling, and maybe do a Heisman pose.

Herby, you suck.

I hate all the links to articles in the freep or detnews. WHO FUCKING CARES? Do people read this crap anymore? Could it be any clearer that columnists for those papers are shitty writers with very little knowledge of sports? For god's sake STOP READING THOSE PAPERS AND THEN POSTING SOMETHING HERE ABOUT HOW BAD THEY ARE. It is not hard, you just remove the "bookmark" to freep.com from your browser, asshole. Newspapers are dying for a good reason - their only reason for existence was the fact that they could distribute information cheaply. Then came internet, and content mattered. OOPS! Bye bye shitty newspapers.

This is a crumpled newspaper. OH THE SYMBOLISM

As you can tell, I could go on, because right now, I am feeling a lot of hate. But there is one thing here that I love, which is true for most of you too: Michigan football. And that's why I keep coming back. Those kids who put on the maize and blue and fight every week, even when the odds are against them, well, that is what I love. I'll watch the bowl game, and cheer like hell for them to win, and feel sad if they lose, and then I'll prepare for the long off-season of crap, full of things I hate. 

To those whom this article has offended, well, guess what: I hate you. And if you write "tl;dr" I hate you too -- at least try to be original, asshole. But if I bored you or was less funny than intended, well, sorry about that. It's the hate getting in the way of writing a quality diary, I swear it.

[EDIT: April 2016 to fix stale picture links - couldn't find all the originals]




November 28th, 2010 at 8:36 AM ^

that people think that firing RR is going to solve the problem... if he gets fired by DB fine, but i hope michigan fans that wanted this to happen are ready for another couple of years of shitty football while the next coach that comes in gets the players to work in his O... i also hate the people who take what the MSM in michigan say as the truth, especially those jack asses jeff riger and dennis fithian who claim to be michigan fans... both of them have some sort of obsession in making people think that our O-Line iis to small to play in the big ten... i can keep going, but i won't... personally i'm glad that there will be a break now from michigan football until the bowl game, but DB has to come out right away and say what he is going to do... this shit of waiting until after the bowl game isn't going to work...


November 28th, 2010 at 9:37 AM ^

I had that exact same thought about those three old buckeyes.  It's not like they don't have actual stupid OSU studends (like the ones wearing vests, e.g.) who (possibly?) attend the actual university.  Gah.  These guys are the same as the ones who dress up as women for Redskins games or dogs for the Browns.  Stop feeding their psychoses, TV director guy stuck in the truck outside that snakepit.

Oh, and yours is the post of the week.



November 28th, 2010 at 2:14 PM ^

why those "fans" are jumping off the UM football bandwagon? Clearly they were only rooting for a team that was winning (hence MSU basketball, UM football)....they're probably all MSU football fans now, and will jump back on the Michigan bandwagon once MSu returns to mediocrity and UM finally turns the corner to being legitimately good (next year...crossing fingers...). And will say "oh I'm so glad they kept RR around! I knew he was a good coach!" To those fans, I say fuck you. 

Undefeated dre…

November 28th, 2010 at 12:47 PM ^

... anecdotal analogies that purport to show why Rodriguez should be retained or fired. Michigan's situation is like x, therefore y. I forget, is Michigan like Texas A&M, Oklahoma, Oregon, Notre Dame, Clemson, WVU, Nebraska, Florida, Illinois, Miami, UCLA, USC, Rutgers, Pitt, Syracuse, or Albion? Rodriguez isn't a witch or a duck, so let's burn these analogies.

... rawk music. The ring of doom that always has too many players on one side and not enough on the other and looks like it would be cool but ends up looking like crap. That pre-game drill where the whistle is blowing repeatedly and the players shuffle or hop or skip back and forth and again could look cool but looks disorganized as shit. I'm an idiot and I know there's more important things about a drill than looking like it was a Michigan Marching band routine. But hell, I want my pre-game team drills to look like they were choreographed by the uptightest asshole in the Prussian Army.

... that goddamn "I'm thinking Arby's" logo on all of the Big Chill souvenirs. WTF?? I don't want my Michigan hockey with a side of horsey sauce.

... my friends who tell me that Rodriguez has to go. STFU! What do you know about running a god damn football program? Leave the decision to Brandon.

... threads where we celebrate the losses of MSU. They only end up looking pathetic. Here I am eating sewage and getting shit on all day, but look, a puppy just peed on Sparty's shoe! Revenge!

... Chris Martin. Both the BTN and Coldplay versions.

... Ohio State.

Maximinus Thrax

November 28th, 2010 at 9:53 AM ^

I hate MSU fans who think that this fluke of a football season is somehow the new norm for their program.  If Dantonio goes .500 in the conference next season I will toss his salad and butter his corn.  Then all the stupid shit sack bandwagon fans with their save-a-lot hats that they only break out during basketball season can go to hell.


November 28th, 2010 at 10:01 AM ^

Nice work ... it's among the most pleasant threads of the last day.

- - -

On this:

"I hate those goddamned three buckeye fans they show over and over and over and over again."

Is anyone else sick of those Penn State dorks that they always show in Happy Valley?  I'm talking about the foursome with the masks of JoePa and three ugly football players.  Is there a contractual obligation to show those idiots every game?

Maximinus Thrax

November 28th, 2010 at 10:02 AM ^

I hate how we are expected to take Matt Millen's football opinions seriously despite the fact that he showed the world that he understood nothing of the finer points of the game by pounding so many nails in the Lions' coffin that Jesus Christ himself could not bring that team back to life.  Just once I would like to see somebody bring up his miserable history as a GM right after he makes some ambiguous nonsensical analytical observation during a game, as if to say "just how the fuck would you know, Matt?   Are you applying the same expertise that led you to overpay for Joey Ducks, Charles "Collarbone" Rogers, and Mike Williams?  Please, enlighten us some more 'o wise one."

Black Kerouac

November 28th, 2010 at 10:04 AM ^

I hate all the bars and graphs and obscure stats and deviations above normal that accompany so many of the posts here. You can't see the future by analyzing a bunch of fucking pie charts. Maybe we should analyze, you know, the way the players play on the field. There was one recurring post that a lot of people were worked up about, because it said our predicted record (delta or azimuth or some such shit that I give not one fuck about) was 10-2. People actually believed that shit, even AFTER our defense was revealed to be something other than decent. There was a complicated chart to go with it, but apparently neither the coaches nor the team saw that shit; somehow, they went 7-5. Thanks for the insight, nerds.


November 28th, 2010 at 10:15 AM ^

I hate that every Michigan football game for the past 2 years has been about RR's job status rather than the players playing the game against an opponent. I feel bad for those players, which is not to say it is or isn't RR's fault, it just shouldn't be this way for those kids playing the game.


November 28th, 2010 at 10:24 AM ^

I hate that The Game is the weekend after thanksgiving and had to watch it at my girlfriends parent's house in Virginia (we stay there for the thanksgiving weekend, go to Michigan for christmas).  I hate that I had to watch that damned game in some back room because they were watching the UVA vs VT game.  I hate Uncle Jerry that kept telling people that I was talking to myself and scaring the dog.  I hate that i couldn't break anything because it wasn't my damn house.  I hate that I was told "oh its just a game."

I love your rant about Herby!  Funny as hell.  And with Desmond posing at the end, gives me a priceless mental picture.

Well done sir, well done.


November 28th, 2010 at 11:19 AM ^

family.  It has happened to me as well, but it should never, ever happen.  It's so absurd to have to either a) push your own emotions down or b) try to explain to someone who is just enjoying the spectacle you are making why they need to chill or get punched in the kidney.

U Fer M

November 28th, 2010 at 10:27 AM ^

I really hate that crap the OSU fans were doing in the stands, other than existing, it was some cheer that went ohohohohohohohohoho, to some eurotrash sounding music in the background and jumping in rhythm....I was thinking, "what the hell", and "that's embarrassing", I really hope that doesn't catch on at Michigan, I saw the exact same thing during the OU-Ok state game, ugh...


November 28th, 2010 at 10:43 AM ^

...my older brother is a 2x Sparty alumnus and I can't talk to him about sports. I hate that my younger brother who's a Michigan alumnus is a fire RichRod guy and I can't talk to him about Michigan sports any more. Of course, we're all going to the Big Chill together. It seemed like a good idea when I suggested it.


November 28th, 2010 at 10:51 AM ^

but sometimes so well deserved.  Can I hate the person who thinks I should root for the Big Ten in bowl games?  The conference is already getting money from the bowl - what's the benefit to Miichigan if Iowa wins?  Conference pride?  Srsly?

Edward Khil

November 28th, 2010 at 2:34 PM ^

It's Michigan's standing within that conference.  If the Big Ten loses all its bowl games, even if Michigan wins their's, the perception of the Big Ten collapses: suddenly the Big Ten = The Big East.  I hate to root for them.  And I would never root for another Big Ten team to win the MNC.  (Well, maybe Northwestern.)  But it helps Michigan when Big Ten teams beat non-conference teams.  It just does.

And I understand if you don't ever root for OSU, or Sparty, or even Wisconsin.  But the rest of those guys?  The perception that the Big Ten is strong increases the perception that Michigan is strong.  This will become crucial to our national championship aspirations in coming years.

(And I would not have posted this if someone else had voiced the reason first.  It's kind of patently obvious.)

After all that: I think I will root against MSU in this year's bowl games.  There are some things a man just won't do.