Hello: Michigan Robot

Submitted by UMAmaizinBlue on December 17th, 2010 at 2:38 PM

There was a post earlier about a "curious M-Den item" in which many people speculated about whether this Michigan Robot could actually play football. Well, after some research, I found out more about our mechanized friend, and it appears that in all the buzz about Blake Countess(WOOOO!), people failed to realize that Michigan Robot also committed to play football for the University of Michigan. Therefore, to make up for this slight, I've compiled everything you need to know about this darkhorse athlete. Enjoy!




Scout Rivals ESPN
5*, #1 CB, #5 Overall 6.0, #1 CB, #4 Overall 5*, 95, #2 CB

Michigan Robot is a solid player who could contribute immediately in this defense. His size shouldn't be an issue, as Scout and Rivals have him listed at 11' 1" (ESPN, oddly, has him listed at just 10' 10"). He will also be playing in this year's U.S. Army All-Robotics Bowl. Here's is a breakdown of his game:

Michigan Robot is made of metal, he's indestructible, and he weighs the same as a truck. He literally destroys everything in his path. His speed could also be helpful in returns. He cannot kick, because he just obliterates the ball when he tries, which is a 5 yard penalty.

ESPN was the only site not to give Michigan Robot the nod as the #1 CB. Here's their reasoning:

Michigan Robot has great speed, size, and just about everything you'd want in a football player. He's a tremendous athlete, but there's a problem: he's not human. Thus, his talents are artificial and not natural. Seeing as how DeAnthony Thomas is a naturally-gifted athlete, he is our #1 rated CB.

Nevermind the fact that Michigan Robot has lasers for eyes, but moving on. Michigan Robot's tackling also seems to be superb, as to be expected when you were built for destruction. Scout breaks down his tackling:

His hips are always on a swivel: no seriously, his hips are welded to a swivel. As a result, Michigan Robot can allow his body to follow a tackle through to completion even if he doesn't get the initial stop on first contact, which never happens, so disregard that. How is this guy even legally eligible to play against humans?

Scout loves this kid, and made no attempt to hide it. Instead of quoting them, I'm simply provided the Scout page for you to observe yourself:

Michigan Robot is obviously a great athlete who loves to compete, and his performances at combines and scout camps have shown that time and time again. MI Robot's ability to cover receivers won't ever be questioned, because he's about the same height as a single-story ranch home.


Who didn't offer this kid? I mean, come on, he's a giant robot! Among the schools that Michigan beat out to land MI Robot were Florida, Alabama, Auburn, OSU, and MIT (YTMIT). The MIT offer seems odd since they haven't had a football team since...ever, but when you look at their offer, it becomes clear that they merely wanted to research how MI Robot functioned as a mechanized automaton. 

MI Robot's final three came down to Michigan, Florida, and OSU, but ultimately picked Michigan because, as he put it:

During manufacturing my cranial shell was affixed with maize and blue wings, thus it seemed logical that I was meant to play for Michigan.


Scout's profile on Michigan Robot gave the following numbers:

Michigan robot didn't play football his senior year due to concern over "bodily harm to other, more human, players." However his junior year he recorded 35 interceptions, 235 tackles, 17 returns for touchdowns, and he successfully tied the goal posts into origami cranes after winning the state championship.

So, yea, he's pretty good. The only slight was in a game against Cass Tech when he got burned by a receiver for a touchdown because opposing fans yelled out a paradox in unison, thus confusing MI Robot (paradoxical statements have since been banned from all games in which MI Robot is playing in order to avoid self-destruction).


ESPN and Rivals have MI Robot's speed at 4.43 even, but Scout tends to give his speed a little more credit, citing a 4.37 40 time. Since these times were timed by MI Robot's inner computer and then verified using statistical probability analysis on 1,000 hypothetical attempts, I'd say these times are pretty accurate.

Still, there's always error involved in statistical analysis, so I'll give these times a one-half FAKE out of five.


This is just a short clip, but it should tell you everything you need to know:


When the only negative that scouts seem to give this kid is his "lack of humanity," you know you've got a good thing (as long as he's, well, not actually human). Still, it will be interesting to see if the coaching staff at Michigan will keep this kid at CB or use him, well, everywhere [Ed-M: My votes for hybrid FS/Terminator]. He's got the gifts to play nearly any position except QB (he tends to put too much mustard behind his throws, and he isn't made of Dilithium) and we could easily see him playing both ways a la Charles Woodson.

Don't look for MI Robot to redshirt since he is an obvious lock to start at an abhorrently depleted position (e.g. - the entire defense). There doesn't seem to be much Barwisizing to do because MI Robot isn't made from flesh and muscle, but never underestimate the power of milk.

Even as an underclassman, MI Robot has the potential to do special things, and I look forward to him being on All-American lists by season's end. Also, he could give Denard a run for the Heisman next year (but not really).


He's a freaking 11-foot robot who plays football, and he can play every position! Who cares? (Although it would still be nice to land a stud like Walls Jernigan.) This could do wonders for our recruiting because, well, who the hell wouldn't want to play football with a football robot?



December 17th, 2010 at 2:44 PM ^

I only have two critiques/questions.

First, how does Scott Kennedy view him as "not the biggest DB on the field", as he is a debatable 11'1"?

Secondly, it says he had 35 interceptions and only 17 returns for touchdowns. With such a size mismatch, how did he get brought down on more than half his interceptions?


December 17th, 2010 at 3:08 PM ^

Here's an excerpt from a Rosenberg article in the Free Press:

Michigan has clearly sold itself to the devil to get this committment.  We have numerous unnamed sources that have stated that Michigan Robot is actually former NFL player, NFL Robot, who not only used all of his NCAA eligibility at a JUCO, but has also been paid to play football professionally.  In addition, we are informed that Michigan has agreed to list Michigan Robot as a co-signatory on the Athletic Department's operating account, allowing him to withdraw funds at any time.  Finally, we are informed that Michigan Robot was convicted numerous times for punching kittens.  Officials are Michigan refused to comment.  As such, it is clear that Michigan is going to be looking at the "death penalty" after the NCAA officials read this article.


December 17th, 2010 at 3:42 PM ^

There are also questions about competitive advantage issues. Michigan Robot has been programmed with "Auto-Practice" mode that allows him to practice in his sleep. There is some concern that this mode cannot be deactivated by the sirens Michigan recently installed to indicate the end of authorized practice hours. Moreover, it seems that Michigan Robot is transferring some of these practice hours to his teammates. It certainly appears Michigan Robot is the latest indication of Michigan's renegade program during Rich Rodriguez's tenure. As with other athletes who are no longer with the program, it is unclear why he continues to recruit such questionable characters.



December 17th, 2010 at 3:04 PM ^

is there any concern that he is advertising his services for under $25?  Two things come to mind.  First, are the obvious pay to play implications unless the manufacturer/retailer can be viewed as a parental unit and then there is no problem.  Second, why so cheap?  Is Michigan Robot hiding something?  Troubled past perhaps or possible issues in obtaining eligibility? 

Look I don't want to rain on the Hello parade, but people need to really think about these things before doing backflips.  Besides, backflips are dangerous.  That's why I stick with somersults.  OK, I can't quite do one of those either.  Instead I just kind of roll around on the floor, but damnit, it looks glorious in my head so stop laughing and go fuck yourself - safely.  That can be dangerous, too. 


December 17th, 2010 at 3:09 PM ^

"I'll put it like this: You make me out of metal — any kind — and I'd dominate," Pryor said, when asked about the attention afforded Michigan Robot. "I'd dominate the known universe. What robots do, that's what they're supposed to do in their programming."


December 17th, 2010 at 3:24 PM ^

topics already discussed:

  • Robots
  • Recruiting
  • ESPN is retarded
  • Henne
  • Rosenberg = douche
  • snake-oil
  • Hello
  • pay-to-play (or not so much)
  • Pryor is a moron and doesn't know when to STFU

keep it comin' people.  this could be our year in review.  I am so not getting any work done in the next hour. 


December 17th, 2010 at 4:37 PM ^

I was going really fast and maybe got a little overzealous, and well, I, uh may have posbanged myself a couple times inadvertantly.  I don't normally do that sort of thing because I feel that it is morally wrong, but I must confess that it did feel quite good to do it to myself just this one time.  It won't happen again, I promise.  Pray for me. 


December 17th, 2010 at 3:35 PM ^

Tacopants is taller, and word is he may have to move to defense.

EDIT: Meant as response to BlueintheLou below, who questioned why Scout called MI Robot "not the tallest DB on the field"


December 17th, 2010 at 3:41 PM ^

I'll do what I can. I will take the next plane to the jungle and see if Arny Swartenagger (sp?) will give me a hand. I agree, adding Predator to our class with Michigan Robot would be HUGE! With his cloaking ability and way of adapting to the enemy, we would be unstoppable and back to our winning ways before next season even starts.


December 17th, 2010 at 4:15 PM ^

Don't get the govenator to help!! He'll kill the poor bastard!!  ABORT!!  ABORT, I SAY!!!!!  Instead take Apollo Creed as an offering of sorts.  And don't forget to tell Creed "it rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again." 

That's right!  I successfully combined three different classics into one bad-ass scenario.  That shows you the power of this thread and that evil will always triumph because good is dumb. 


December 17th, 2010 at 3:38 PM ^

Overheard after Michigan Robot committed:

I am so pumped to play for Michigan and can't wait to tell all of my robot friends.  I'm tweeting with my running back buddy to try and have him join me here.  He's not a very big guy, but he's incredibly strong and fast.  He has a hidden compartment for securing the ball.  No fumbles from him, ever.

Rivals quickly sprang into action trying to figure out who this mystery robot friend was.  We'll it turns out he is pretty well known and has been working out in a junkyard for quite a few years:


December 17th, 2010 at 3:50 PM ^

From TomVH:

I just spoke with Michigan Robot.  Many were concerned that his friend might want to go work for his dad, however Michigan Robot assures me that this is not the case: his friend's girlfriend just committed to the Michigan Womens Basketball team, so he'll be sticking around.  She's not very tall, but more than makes up for it in her ability to fly.