Fake Post-NCAA Investigation Coaches Chat

Submitted by jajaja23 on November 5th, 2010 at 12:46 AM

After hearing the positive news about the NCAA investigation, and In light of the recent injury to Floyd and the transfers, and the injuries, and the transfers, and the losses, and the blue hairs, and the injuries, I thought people might feel a little more positive if they saw the positive dialogue going on last night amongst the coaching staff.

Previous Discoveries: Fake QB Chat, Fake Coach Chat, Fake Secondary Chat, Fake Big Ten Conference Expansion Chat, Fake Remaining Secondary Chat

You have entered UM Post-NCAA Investigation Google Wave


 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Truth be told, best investigation ever. I feel like these past months have been like the Iditarod on the Moon that's how fantastic it has been. How can every other school not be jealous of how astoundingly fast and strong this has been?"

HaRRd Edge: "I'm just glad it's over and that the NCAA saw it our way on this issue. WWDBD?"

TGibsSmotherCover: "Have the adamantium ankle guards been shipped in yet?"

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Haven't seen any new packages but I'm sure their delivery will dwarf the worldwide speed and dispursal of Saint Nick."

 HaRRd Edge: "Yeah. Haven't seen them. Speaking of new packages, has anyone seen Greg? WWDBD?"

MeAndHobbes: "You can probably guess."

TGibsSmotherCover: "You're joking."

MeAndHobbes: "Wish I was."

 HaRRd Edge:  "Now I'm not much of a defense guy but am I missing something? WWDBD?"

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Only the greatest waste of time ever. An unneccessary push away from coaching exercises that is unrivaled by the Formation of the Apostles."

MeAndHobbes: "Dude."

TGibsSmotherCover: "He's sleeping in a hyperbaric chamber."

 HaRRd Edge:  "GTFO. R U JK? Wake him up! WWDBD?"

MeAndHobbes: "Rod - I hate to ask this but why do you keep putting WWJD at the end of your posts?"

*Rosenberg4AD would like to enter the chat*
*Rosenberg4AD has been denied entrance to the chat*

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "I sent a grad student whose film editing makes Einstein's Theory of Relativity appear mundane to wake him up."

 HaRRd Edge: "My computer got stolen Calvin. Mr. Brandon got me a new one with a stipulation that now that we're on probation he got to program it. WWDBD?"

*TortoiseAndTheHair has entered the chat*

TGibsSmotherCover: "I still don't get the acronym."

 TortoiseAndTheHair: "Sweet baby Jesus do I feel dynamite. Billy Jean had the right idea sleeping in one of those..."

TGibsSmotherCover: "Billy Jean?"

MeAndHobbes: "We've been over this. He still thinks Billy Jean is Michael Jackson. Greg. Thanks for joining us. Haven't seen you since Sunday."

 TortoiseAndTheHair: "He's not my lover! And? Big deal. I took a day off. With the NCAA ruling coming up, I figured I should be rested and ready to go. BRB gotta go vote. Beat Illinois!"

*TortoiseAndTheHair has left the chat*

 HaRRd Edge: "It's Thursday. WWDBD?"

TGibsSmotherCover: "Still don't get the acronym."

MeAndHobbes: "I can't believe our offense is blowing the doors off the wall and our jobs rest with that guy."

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Don't be modest Calvin. They're incredible metaphoric doors of rich mahogany and fine brass fixtures the likes of which God would feel their mere presence was prideful."

*ADBrandon has entered the chat*

TGibsSmotherCover: "Oh now I get it. Is it like the What Would Jesus Do? movement Rod?"

 HaRRd Edge:  "I'unno. WWDBD?"

*TortoiseAndTheHair has entered the chat*

 ADBrandon: "Good morning gentleman. Rod, I'm glad you're continuing to live by the mantra we discussed."
*Rosenberg4AD would like to enter the chat*
*Rosenberg4AD has been denied entrance to the chat*
 TortoiseAndTheHair: "Holy crap. It's Thursday. Why didn't anybody tell me? Did the feller with the amazing hair win?"
 TortoiseAndTheHair: "Hair like this: "
 YouDontKnowJACKson: "That hair is more amazing that of a baby seal born in the divine glow of purity swathed in light.
TGibsSmotherCover: "Does it stand for What Would Dave Brandon Do?"
 HaRRd Edge:  "Oh is that what it means? I get it now. Hey that's kinda clever. WWDBD?"
 ADBrandon: "You are correct Mr. Gibson. I have asked Coach Rodriguez, and I ask all of you now, in this climate of probation, to not act until you ask yourself What Would David Brandon Do?"
 TortoiseAndTheHair: "I'll tell you what he'd do. Sleep in an oxygen rich sleep chamber for the sake of purification and health."
MeAndHobbes: "Please not now Greg."
*Rosenberg4AD would like to enter the chat*
*Rosenberg4AD has been denied entrance to the chat*
 ADBrandon:: "...?"

 HaRRd Edge:  "Hey y'all watch this. Jeopardy style: Order a Dominos Pizza. WWDBD?"

S&Cassistant: "LOL"

 ADBrandon: "Out. Now."

*S&Cassistant has left the chat*

 ADBrandon: "I have a couple interview to give but I thought I would pass this note on from Coach Dantonio regarding our recent letter."

 TortoiseAndTheHair: "Who's he? He's not the offensive... that's Magee. Gibson works with me on cornerbacks. Coach Jackson handles the runners. Is he the defensive coordinator?"

MeAndHobbes: "Ugh."

 HaRRd Edge:  "Drink your milkshake and then beat you with a bowling pin. WWDBD?"

 ADBrandon: "Dear Coach Rodriguez et. al, I am sorry to hear that you are missing a laptop computer. I assure you that if the MSU football sweatshirt left behind by the perpetrator indeed belongs to a member of my team, I will be sure to enforce a zero tolerance policy."

*Rosenberg4AD would like to enter the chat*
*Rosenberg4AD has been denied entrance to the chat*

 TortoiseAndTheHair: "God I could use a milkshake."

TGibsSmotherCover: "Anyone read the book 'Are You There God, It's Me Margaret?' God can I relate."
 YouDontKnowJACKson: "Vanilla is the greatest milkshake flavor ever. I had a milkshake last week that tasted like the flower petals of a centaur's beard."

MeAndHobbes: "That doesn't seem like it would taste good."

 HaRRd Edge:  "Eat the entire Subway menu and then run two marathons simply to spite Jarred. WWDBD?"

 TortoiseAndTheHair: "So... question. Coach Jackson, why don't we blitz more?"

 ADBrandon: "Continued: In the event one of our players was responsible, I will be completely intolerant of them, refusing to clap, smile or award chocolates to him neither en route to the Rose Bowl from prison, nor when he enters the field some three hours later. While this may seem severe, I assure you I take this matter seriously. Yours, Danimal."

MeAndHobbes: "Well there's that."

*Rosenberg4AD would like to enter the chat*
*Rosenberg4AD has been denied entrance to the chat*

 HaRRd Edge: "Tell Coach Robinson it's his job to call blitzes and defensive formations. WWDBD?"

TGibsSmotherCover: "Can we get Woolfolk one of those scooters they have at the grocery store with an awesome engine? Is that legal?"

 ADBrandon: "That's your job to tell him Rod."

 HaRRd Edge:  "Well this game got less fun. WWDBD?"

 TortoiseAndTheHair: "Well guys, this has been outright exhausting. It's disappointing we've lost some games but at least we became bowl eligible against Bowling Green."

*Rosenberg4AD would like to enter the chat*

 ADBrandon: "I'll handle this."

*Rosenberg4AD has entered the chat*

Rosenberg4AD: "Guys. Wonderful. Congratulations on the tepid news today. Much better than what it could have been. Do you have any comment on my pure, un-adulterated and profound correctness? Have any of you chosen to resign?"

 ADBrandon: "Mr. Rosenberg. Thank you for joining us. Our coaching staff does not have any comment at this time. However, I am prepared to make a statement."

Rosenberg4AD: "Terrific. Have you chosen to quit from the shame of it all?"

 ADBrandon: "Let me be clear: i do know who you are but i don't know what you want. If you are looking for fear or terror i can tell you my school has none to offer you. But what we do have are a very particular set of history and pride. We also have a variety of friends that we hhave acquired over a very long history of success. Friends that can be a nightmare for people like you. If you let this issue die with an apology, let this crusade daughter go - now that'll be the end of it. We will not look for you - we will not pursue you. But if you don't we will look for you, we will find you and we will retire you." 

TGibsSmotherCover: "I just peed a little."

Rosenberg4AD: "Did you just threaten me using a quote from Taken?"

 ADBrandon:: "Did I?

MeAndHobbes: "Man Crush. Population: Schembechler Hall."

 HaRRd Edge:  "Is this a trick game based upon the whole WWDBD? WWDBD?"

Rosenberg4AD: "WHAT THE HELL!? There's a bag of flaming dog crap outside my door."

 ADBrandon: "Is there?"

 TortoiseAndTheHair: "I'll tell you what's terrifying. That little girl who sings in the Volunteers of America commercials. Sweet holy bird in the sky. I hide behind my couch."

Rosenberg4AD: "THIS HAS GONE TOO FAR? My neighbor just called and said my house is on fire!"

 ADBrandon: "Is it?"

*Rosenberg4AD has left the chat*

 YouDontKnowJACKson: "I'm lost for words."

 HaRRd Edge:  "I'm gonna. Um... go. And Coach. Really hard within the rules. WWDBD?"

 ADBrandon: "I suggest all of you do the same."

*HaRRdEdge has left the chat*

*TGibsSmotherCover has left the chat*

*YouDontKnowJackson has left the chat*

*MeAndHobbes has left the chat*

 TortoiseAndTheHair: "Now when you say 'do the same,' do you mean coach or... you know... a lil siesta in the O2 zone? Apparently I'm in charge of the whole darn defense... that's gonna require a bit o snooze"

*TortoiseAndThe Hair has been removed from the chat*

*Guest has been invited to the chat*

ADBrandon: "Excellent work."

*Guest has changed its user name*

 FreeAgentCone:  "Thanks. Shit was smoother than Silk Milk, floatin in the breeze Fabreeze!"

 ADBrandon: "Not so sure about torching his house though. We had agreed to light the 800 copies of today's paper that our sources saw him buy on fire as a metaphor."

 FreeAgentCone:  "They were in his house."

 ADBrandon:: "And the dog feces?"

 FreeAgentCone:  "Didn't come from a dog."

 ADBrandon: "I'm really not sure how I feel about that."

 FreeAgentCone:  "Well you know what they say?"

 ADBrandon: "What do they say Mr. Cone?"

FreeAgentCone:  ""


kevin holt

November 5th, 2010 at 7:25 AM ^

I just peed a little.


And when I got to the end, I couldn't contain any of my bodily functions due to laughter and joy. I do not exaggerate when I tell you that I think I just reached Nirvana.


November 5th, 2010 at 10:26 AM ^


Rosenberg4AD: "WHAT THE HELL!? There's a bag of flaming dog crap outside my door."

ADBrandon: "Is there?"


From this point on, this chat went from very good, to just AMAZING!


November 5th, 2010 at 1:22 PM ^

Didn't think it was possible for me to laugh at anything related to M football, but good God that was hilarious.

Yeah, and Barwis gives a gratuitous lol and DB throws him out.... truly brilliant


November 5th, 2010 at 5:26 PM ^

I seriously didn't think you could top the first one you ever did, but they just keep getting better! I'm compelled to put WWDBD as my tag line.

Well done, sir!

Red is Blue

November 5th, 2010 at 6:32 PM ^


 ADBrandon:: "And the dog feces?"

 FreeAgentCone:  "Didn't come from a dog."

 ADBrandon: "I'm really not sure how I feel about that."


Nothing better, ever!

03 Blue 07

November 6th, 2010 at 12:56 AM ^

This one was absolutely monumental. I mean, these betray a serious wit and sense of humor. I do not know what you do professionally, but you should at least consider broadening your talents; if in Chicago, check out Second City or something, hell, I don't know. Point is, you have a real talent, and you should explore it.

/end unsolicitated life coaching. (But damn, these are outstanding).