Coachgate Consipiracy: Revealed

Submitted by 1464 on November 30th, 2010 at 4:29 PM

There has been a lot of talk surrounding the job security of Rich Rodriguez, and I have stumbled upon something that may shed some light on the outcome. This thing goes way deeper than sabotage efforts by Herbie, or Tweet wars, or anything spoken by David Brandon in the wake of our 30 point trouncing at the hands of OSU. This thing is deep, and it spreads into realms nobody here realizes. I present my case.

Exhibit A
Domino's Pizza Commercial, circa 2009

A year after the disasterous 3-9 season that lit a fire under Rodriguez' chair, David Brandon, who at that time was CEO of Domino's Pizza, comes up with a new advertising campaign. "Giving a bailout to main street, not Wall Street," became the ode du jour. The symbolism is outwardly obvious. Brandon is fed up with the hierarchy at the Michigan Athletic Department, namely Rodriguez and his crew. Note that Brandon grabs a pizza box from the 'old' man, and places it into the hands of a younger passerby. A proverbial passing of the torch, or pepperoni, in this instance. Also note that all the cars in that commercial are Ford's, an obvious nod to a 'Michigan Man." Message sent.

Enter the Free Press. A bastion of morality in the decaying sector of popular culture know as news print. When the old guard says jump, they ask, "Onto what phallic device?" A sweeping attack on all that is Rodriguez decended upon the land. A strike that was military in its precision blindsided the administration, and left them exposed on all sides, sitting targets for the mouth breathers at ESPN to fire shots of lead towards. And fire they did, lamenting Rich to all who would listen.

Yound Man Told by Drew Sharp That Rich Hates Redheads


Exhibit B
Coalescence of the Old Guard

Still waters run deep. So it should be of no surprise that none other than Les Miles has become the lynchpin that has held together the Old Guard. As acting Don, Miles was responsible for issuing the kiss of death, which came in a very peculiar way:

What better moment than a decisive touchdown against a former National Champion and hated Spartan in Nick Saban's Crimson Tide to derail the outsider? Rotary phones in stodgy offices all across the midwest began to ring off the hook, as members confirmed that the sign had been cast. When grass touches the tongue, the end shall begin. The transition was to commence. Columns of white smoke would not be seen rising until the Prodigal Son returned to Ann Arbor.

A house once divided was now as focused as a Michigan receiver after a trip to the optometrist.

Exhibit C
The Mysterious Death of a Funny Man

At first glance, the passing of one Leslie Nielsen seems to be a tragic and unavoidable course of events. He was, after all, 84 years old. A closer look reveals a sordid turn of events that left this Hollywood legend dead in Florida. It also reveals the rapid escalation and the mounting tension between the two sides.

Leslie enters the scene in 2002, when he is named an honorary citizen of West Virginia, the same year Rodriguez has his big turnaround at WVU. The two become fast friends, living as kings of West Virginia. Nielsen takes the WVU divorce especially hard, as do most denizens of that fine state, and their relationship quickly soured.

Leslie spends the remainder of his life just miles away from Harbaugh and his staff. Having a penchant for college football coaches, he makes fast friends with the former Michigan QB, and becomes outwardly critical of the Rodriguez regime. When asked about the coaching tenure of Rich Rod, Nielsen responds:

I'm sorry I can't be more optimistic, Doctor, but we've got a long road ahead of us. It's like having sex. It's a painstaking and arduous task that seems to go on and on forever, and just when you think things are going your way, nothing happens.

Speculation arises that Nielsen had joined the Old Guard.

Feeling betrayed, Rodriguez becomes spiteful. The spite gives way to unbridled anger when Rich gets word that Nielsen plans to meet with Brandon to reveal undisclosed indiscretions from his past. Last week Calvin McGee, a henchman in Rodriguez' platoon, travels down to Florida. Some are convinced it's a recruiting trip, others a job interview. But the truth is much more sinister. Nielsen got on Rod's bad side.

Alarm rings out through the Old Guard, as they become fully aware of just what they have awakened.

Exhibit D
The Culmination of Events

Michigan fans with their ears to the ground have started to stir, as they can now confirm what the seismometers have been predicting for the last few years. Something is a brewin'. In fact, many seemingly random events can be attributed to the Cold War that will soon come to fruition.

The stitches Obama received during a 'friendly' game of basketball? That was Beilein sending a message that the President needs to back his horse. A similar message was sent by the Old Guard to Rue McLanahan after she openly supported the proliferation of the spread offense in college football. Rue was an avid college football fan.

Both sides have become brazen with their displays of power and authority. There is no telling how fast, or how far, this will go. One thing is for sure, there will be no winners. Brian, as a figure head in this debate, I'd lay low for a while. Find a nice hamlet somewhere down south and let this thing play out. I just hope it's not too late.


Michigan Shirt

November 30th, 2010 at 4:41 PM ^

Is it just me, or is anyone else getting annoyed with the use of "topic"-gate (coachgate in this instance. Not just with the OP, but in general from all media and their propensity to use this term. I don't know why people all of a sudden think adding -gate to whatever investigation they are talking about, instantly makes it a clever moniker. It has definately become overused.


November 30th, 2010 at 7:09 PM ^

Not only that, but it doesn't make any sense.  [blank]gate started from the Watergate scandal, which had to do with the Watergate Hotel, not some conspiracy involving water.  That's why coachgate, spygate, practicegate, etc. make no sense.  I disliked it well before it was overused for that very reason.


November 30th, 2010 at 5:07 PM ^

Has anyone noticed that while LC gave up 39 points against Oregon in 2007, Harbaugh gave up 51?  Or that Harbaugh has given up 193 points against Oregon the last four years, for an average of 48 per game?

I would take two things from that.  First, once the personnel is set, the spread works great against teams built in the old Big Ten mold.  Second, Harbaugh can't defend it very well. 

We now return you to your scheduled broadcast.


December 6th, 2010 at 1:54 AM ^


while LC might have been outmanned, JH was just ridiculously outcoached at the half, right?

but really, what the hell are you two talking about? neither in 2007 nor 2010 was stanford leading 31-3 at halftime, and neither in 2007 or 2010 did stanford give up 51 to oregon. it was 55 in 2007 and 52 this year.


November 30th, 2010 at 5:28 PM ^

I'm a ginger! Quit being such a pussy! I actually love not having a soul. Those pesky things just get in the way. Be sad cause your fat not because you're a ginger. You're fat ass can actually do something about that.


November 30th, 2010 at 8:37 PM ^

for bringing a little sanity to the coaching situation.   Finally a look at this without torches and pitchforks or blind love hysterics.  I appreciate the way you connected the dots.  Keep an eye on Wikileaks for further developments.