Birth of The Fools

Submitted by zoltan the destroyer on March 30th, 2011 at 10:43 PM

You might not know him yet but this is a guest post from a guy who isn't afraid to let it all hang out. Here it is.

Five Guys

I came from the internet, just like the rest of them. I came mostly because of the W’s, the kind of ephemeral letter that flickers like a scoreboard lightbulb in Crisler, the one that always seems to surge with a crackle of electricity as the clock reads zeroes and drives out the bleak emptiness of the losses. I came when I saw Mike Hart, but let’s not dwell on that. The haze of a malleable past where “what ifs” become certain realities lends itself to, if anything, an epically long-winded run-on of creative diarrhea, so that less than cohesive memories strung together like the diamond weave of a basketball net with collegiate adulations will seem to imply there’s deeper meaning.

There’s technically no more time but let’s call for more time.


Throwing the game

It was years after the facts if facts even exist but nothing matters anyway. I never knew the Fab Five- nobody really knew them before Jalen Rose appeared on the ESPN scene. Jalen appeared amongst the legions of button-down, over-the-top talking heads and he belonged. The ease of appearing so at ease left me wondering when the background wall of noise, the crescendo of the unanswered allegations and shades of spectres would rise again.

But his self-serving documentary fought back, slashing and hacking as a Crusader against the perceptions of an infamous team that set into motion an avalanche on its alma mater, and stopping to pillage and have its way with the mindful rebuttals of nothing to show. It happened, and it always had.

Dropping banners

The tattered remains of dishonorable seasons enchanted, enhanced, and crammed with the semblance of stylish fashionable vogue. Base race arguments whirl as a miasmic harbinger to change, blotting the past til the mutable message emerges at last- we did something great.

It’s like someone saying “So tell me who the Fab Five was” last year. The sun vanishes and I no longer feel the shame and dissatisfaction of achievements left unattained or see the tarnish to the program, and my eyes close and my mind calms, the laudations emerge. Jalen is still half-buzzed by the side of the road and laughing at how easy it was.


Forty bomb

ESPN Mugshot

This isn’t what you expected. You expected a dextrous homage to a diminutive tailback, legs churning like pistons in a cyclone of mixed metaphor. It’s like being in a movie theater with your popcorn when you were a kid, eyes wide open with that tingling sensation as you sat too close to the screen in an impossibly dark world of possibilities, but leaving with the buttery aftertaste of reality.

They were, and always have been, regardless of origin they might be, if only for a nanosecond, aimlessly disjointed words and commas.

This guy used to write stuff like this before Uncle Tom shut him down. He met Steve Fisher once but Fisher denies it to this day.


03 Blue 07

March 30th, 2011 at 10:49 PM ^

This would be funny if it were. . . funny. Or if it were far more clever than it is. Hating on Johnny's post by doing a cheap, bizarro rip-off? Good idea, I suppose. Poor execution.

OMG Shirtless

March 30th, 2011 at 11:03 PM ^

I came when I saw Mike Hart

It's the perfect reminder of RBUAS's allegiance to individual athletes and Lloyd, rather than the school, the program, or the team as a whole.

The rest needs a little work.

03 Blue 07

March 30th, 2011 at 11:31 PM ^

Seems a little harsh of a takedown on Johnny, no? I mean, he obviously loved Mike Hart and loved Lloyd, but isn't it making a leap to say that he loves those two individuals above and beyond loving U of M sports? As in, if Mike Hart starred on a pro football team that Lloyd was coaching, Johnny would immediately shift the amount of focus he has/fandom for Michigan to this hypothetical team? I mean, I get that his posting dwindled the past few years, but I think there's a causation/correlation thing going on if such a leap is made; there could be all kinds of other reasons he's stopped posting as much, with personal/career reasons being at least as likely as some sort of disdain for Michigan and allegiance to only Lloyd/Mike Hart.

Musket Rebellion

March 30th, 2011 at 11:52 PM ^

To quote Brian: "Johnny used to write stuff like this at RBUAS before everything became too depressing."

Johnny quit writing his long-winded prose when the losses mounted and he had lost touch with the class of seniors that he had fallen in love with. He admitted as much on his own blog. He picked out Brandon Minor and he picked out Brandon Graham and for one game he loved Tate Forcier but his pieces, at least the vast majority of them, focus on the actions of single players rather than the team itself. To say that he loved a group of players rather than the school itself is not a gross overstatement.


March 31st, 2011 at 12:23 AM ^

I got about halfway through this post and he makes a lot of good points about the 2008 Wolverines.  The awkwardness of coach-player interactions under RR are well-documented, as well as a history of questionable position placement.

At the same time, on MGoBoard, our very own Magnus continues to insist that Mike Cox is poised to have a breakout year and become Michigan's starting running back, or words to that effect.  Could the persistent benching of Mike Cox in favor of small, zippy, gritty Vincent Smith as our starting RB in 2010 possibly have any relation to the coaches' questionable roster decisions?


March 31st, 2011 at 9:48 AM ^

BlueDragon - you ask a question about Mike Cox that will likely never be answered with 100% knowledge. There are any number of reasons why Cox didn't play much the last couple of years - injuries, academics, practice issues, RR wanting "his guy" Smith to play, familiarity with scheme, execution of scheme, attitude. There are so many things that go into who plays beyond who is the best - sadly, that is true.

It does sound to me, however, like Cox is playing very well this spring, as is Smith, as is Hopkins, as is Toussaint. That can only be a very goodt thing, because these guys are all very good players.


March 31st, 2011 at 12:46 PM ^

Agreed.  There are many mitigating factors surrounding the statistical records from the RR era.  Denard Robinson's running game in 2010 was certainly one for the record books, but I doubt there is much long-term viability in an offensive system that calls for the QB to constantly make plays with his feet.

I've been hearing good things about our RBs as well.  Hopefully one of them can emerge as a dominating downhill runner this year.  Biakabutuka 1995 comes to mind.


April 5th, 2011 at 4:17 PM ^

TheLastHoke was also banned for criticizing Johnny. Even though the criticism was reasoned and explained over a number of posts.

Sometimes mods ban you becuase they disagree with your opinion, and they incorrectly infer that by further explicating your unpopular opinion, you are attempting to incite others.

It happens.


March 30th, 2011 at 11:10 PM ^

See, this is the scary thing--that all the mean and short-sighted people out there aren't dumb and unenlightened. That some of them are very intelligent and consciously chose their view.


March 30th, 2011 at 11:16 PM ^

I don't really get the level of vitriol towards Johnny (though I do greatly prefer Brian's less tangential style of prose), and I think this satire is a bit dickish, but it was witty and cute and made me chuckle. Especially the last sentence.

Hardware Sushi

March 31st, 2011 at 9:57 AM ^

Should I feel bad this pretty much went over my head? No offense ZtheD, but this is too out there for me - and I like out there.

Sounds like you were doing a parody of Johnny at RBUAS - so maybe that's the case and I'm just a poor audience member - either way, needs MOAR funny. 

Foote Fetish

March 31st, 2011 at 1:31 PM ^

As far as parodies go it's definitely accurate but dude.  I mean, he wrote a piece about how great it is to have a Basketball team again and how the Fab 5 was cool too even despite all the fallout.  If that's the piece that makes you want to run off and tear the shit out of him, then I got nothing for you.

Desmonlon Edwoodson

March 31st, 2011 at 3:36 PM ^

You have succeded in making yourself look like an ass.  I am no expert in motive, but I can only assume this was your goal?  Or are you just trying to increase the diary point requirements?  Clearly 200 isn't enough to hold the trolls at bay.  Has Johnny somehow wronged you personally, or perhaps a family member?  If not...WTF is wrong with you? 


April 2nd, 2011 at 7:38 PM ^

This is from a guy who last felt compelled to write on the board after Michigan lost to State for the third time in a row, and antagonize those fans who seemed like they were teetering on the edge of a full TWIS-worthy entry.

Johnny's post which you're lampooning asks readers to put themselves in the heads of players and experience M sports through their eyes rather than ours. If you approach it with cynicism, you'll taste only sap. But put yourself in the head of a 19-year-old athlete in the height of competition: we all see ourselves as heroes, our abilities unlimited, our efforts good, our challenges epic.

So ultimately your mockery misses the mark: the intellectual weakness of Johnny RBUAS isn't its optimistic characterizations but that the head of any Duke player on the same court should have the same heroic narrative. The only reason we are identifying with the Michigan player is because we're Michigan fans.

The point of your diary is to point out that high-adjective writing can say anything. And I think you want to make that point because the only value you found in Johnny's article was just that. Because you're a cynic.

I can't find a single post of yours when you've been anything but cynical. Cynicism certainly has its place, but when that's all you're putting out it's no more useful than would be complete sap or complete jingoism.

So this is my question to you: are you really that cynical? Or are you just trying to get under the skin of those who aren't? I suspect it's the former, in which case okay you're angry guy; please try to be a little more understanding of those of us who are so weak as to allow emotions to become intertwined with our sports fandom. If it's the latter, don't do that anymore.