2016 Season Review

Submitted by THE_KNOWLEDGE on August 31st, 2016 at 4:57 PM
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wo ist THE KNOWLEDGE?
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Où est-il?
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donde esta THE KNOWLEDGE?
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kidar hai vo?
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where is THE KNOWLEDGE?
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these are the anguished cries of those who seek the knowledge that THE KNOWLEDGE provides about the future
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yes
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specifically, these people have been waiting for the 2016 Season Review to understand what is about to transpire this football season
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THE KNOWLEDGE has arrived to reveal the future to these millions of knowledge seekers
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and to bask in glory again
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yes
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of course, there are those who wonder why THE KNOWLEDGE was only correct 11 out of 12 games last season. THE KNOWLEDGE had clearly revealed that Michigan will finish the 2015 out of conference schedule 3-1, and finish the B1G season 7-1, with that loss not coming against osu
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THE KNOWLEDGE also was conspicuously absent before the msu game - which many people correctly surmised as a clue to the unfortunate outcome of the game. the end of that game was not in error
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the error in the spatio-temporal continuum occurred when Kinnel incorrectly fell on the osu punter in the first quarter. the temporal dimension was proceeding correctly, and as revealed by THE KNOWLEDGE, until that moment
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yes
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Michigan was scheduled to win that game 31-28
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however, the result changed due to a highly irregular anomaly that occurred at that moment
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THE KNOWLEDGE will explain in a later post - during the period when highly boring blowouts occur and people are waiting for a challenging opponent - about how these things work, and how even an extraordinary personality such as THE KNOWLEDGE can be occasionally be perceived to be wrong
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this post, however, is about the 2016 season
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THE KNOWLEDGE shall now reveal the regular season record of Michigan for the upcoming season
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post season play results has been covered in a post that will be shown on these very pages in a few months
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yes
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it is to be noted first that Michigan will win all OOC games as expected and enter B1G play with a 3-0 record
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that is obvious to even the lowliest of observers
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yes
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many is the number of folks who have predicted a loss or more for Michigan in conference play
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these people don't understand the future
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they "predict" based on how good they think the Michigan players are, how strong the opponents are, and how the schedule looks like
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THE KNOWLEDGE, however, does not predict the future
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THE KNOWLEDGE simply reveals the future
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yes
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THE KNOWLEDGE hereby reveals that Michigan will win all of its games in the 2016 regular season
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yes
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starting next year, the B1G Championship game will also start being considered as part of Michigan's regular season
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but, for this year, since it is a new experience for Michigan, the BTCG will be considered as postseason play
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and THE KNOWLEDGE will reveal the results of postseason play (which have already been determined) in due course as noted earlier
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yes
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there are still some that doubt THE KNOWLEDGE, although the number has dwindled significantly
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as time moves and makes the future the past, and the results revealed by THE KNOWLEDGE come to fruition
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THE KNOWLEDGE shall soar, leaving every doubter in a trail of dust
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yes
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Comments

gpsimms not to…

August 31st, 2016 at 5:07 PM ^

these things, but I have a feeling THE_KNOWLEDGE is just trying to spare the feelings of the annoying poster that *really* set off spatio-temporal anomaly by posting right before the OSU game something along the lines of: "Hey you guys, did you notice the THE_KNOWLEDGE is exactly spot on about this year so far?"

Dudes. This year, when THE_KNOWLEDGE is in the 8th inning of a no-hitter, can we please not blow it for him?

ST3

August 31st, 2016 at 6:31 PM ^

YES

I will now paste my prediction email to my brother (sent less than an hour after THE_KNOWLEDGE's post) in this thread:

Time for the annual prediction email. As a reminder, I’ve never been wrong in one of these.

Hawaii – W, 50-0. When asked why he went for two late in the game up 48-0, Harbaugh responds, “I always liked that show, Hawaii 5-0. That Steve McGarrett attacks the day with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.”

UCF – W, 47-0. Magnuson makes a brief appearance at QB in the 4th quarter. He hands off twice and then underthrows a wide open Moe Ways by 5 yards.

Colorado – W, 27-6. Michigan gives up their first points of the season. DeVeon goes over 150 yards.

Penn State – W, 24-3. Michigan defensive line overwhelms a mediocre PSU offensive line. Peppers scores thrice as a wildcat QB.

Wisconsin – W, 17-13. Speight does just enough in his first true test at QB.

Rutgers – W, 49-0. It’s a laugher all-right. Rutgers is bad at the football. Shane Morris throws for 3 TDs in the 2nd half during garbage time. Michigan fans scratch their collective head and wonder, where was that? Harbaugh truly is a QB whisperer.

Illinois – W, 31-13. Dawauane Wyade Smoot knocks out Sp8. O’Korn comes in and performs admirably setting up the first ever 5-way QB controversy prior to the MSU game (Speight, O’Korn, Morris, Peppers, and Magnuson.)

MSU – 2/3W, M 21 2/3, MSU 21 1/3. Michigan may or may not win this game.

Maryland – W, 31-0. Harbaugh destroys former protégé Durkin and shuts out Maryland. Michigan either rebounds nicely or keeps rolling.

Iowa – 1/3W, M 21 1/3, Iowa 21 2/3. Michigan may or may not win this game.

Indiana – W, 47-23, Indiana has some offense but no defense. It’s a game for a half. Then our O-line takes over in the 2nd half.

Ohio State – 2/3W, M 21 2/3, OSU 21 1/3. The Team The Team beats the QB, the QB and the Team loses to the QB.

B1G championship game – M does or does not get revenge against Iowa, and does so in convincing fashion, 31-13, allowing them to jump back into the top 4.

Playoff Semifinals – W, 38-0 over Bama and Saban. Harbaugh can’t pass up the opportunity to reverse the score on Saban and teaches Dontanio something about respect in the process.

Finals – W, 24-17, Don Brown’s defense throttles the greatest spread QB since Vince Young, beating Clemson for all the marbles. Sp8 joins Trent Dilfer and Craig Krenzel on the Mount Rushmore of unlikely Championship winning QBs.

Final record – 14-1, B1G and National champions.

It’s unrealistic to think that we’ll win all three tough road games, but which one do we lose? MSU always plays above their heads against us. Do they have enough talent this year? At Iowa is always a tough trip. OSU has a great QB and a lot of youth. If we lose to OSU, can we still get in the national playoffs if that’s our only loss? I think we fall out of the top 4 in that situation, but a dominating performance in the B1G championship game moves us back in. So much depends on Sp8 and the LBs.

I don’t know though, if you look at what Michigan will have to do to win a national championship from now on – beat OSU, beat the West Champion, and then beat 2 of the top 4 teams in the country. Those are some long odds even if we’re one of the top teams, but someone has to win it. Why not us? I mean, really, who’s got it better than us?

maineandblue

September 1st, 2016 at 3:26 PM ^

You're all sycophantic sheep. A twelve year old could write this stuff, and I wouldn't be surprised if it was a 12 year old (WD?) who took over after the original haloscan THE KNOWLEDGE left.  

I'm consistently surprised by how what may agruably be the smartest and wittiest sports blog community around consistently eats this up and begs for more. 

This stuff makes Happy Gilmore look like a comedic masterpiece.