You Will Obey Beelzegoldy

Submitted by Brian on July 22nd, 2009 at 12:06 PM

I'm a sucker for weird old photos, and thanks to The Daily Gopher I've got a boatload for you today. Minnesota's put up a memorial site for Memorial Stadium, the Gopher's pre-Dome home, and Michigan features heavily. But before we get to that, nightmare fuel!


If I was Myles Brand for a day I would force college teams to go back to mascots at least 50 years old, and then I would require them to spend their time scaring the hell out of kids.Yes, Beezlegoldy, like this.


"Coraline, meet your father."

Also there is this:


Enraged sadomasochistic terminator gopher is coming for you, Ohio State.

Now to things you might find relevant.. the Memorial Stadium site is a treasure-trove of old Brown Jug games. Marvel at:

  • The 1932 game answers the question "what would happen if everyone on both teams had the ball security skillz of Ryan Mallett?" Answer: every play is a fumble and Michigan wins 3-0.
  • 1936 and 1937 weren't much fun; with the late Kipke Wolverines at their nadir and Minnesota at or around their historical apex, the total score was Minnesota 65, Michigan 6.
  • 1953 (part II) was also ugly, as Michigan lost to a 4-4-1 Minnesota team 22-0.
  • 1961 is where a trend is noticeably forming: Minnesota 23, Michigan 20.
  • 1967. Yes, Minnesota wins 20-15. This is getting a bit sil—
  • By 1977 Minnesota hasn't won since '67 and won't win again until '86, but their 16-0 win here is commemorated, ending Virtually Every Gopher Victory Since 1937.

It's not the most fair and balanced picture of the rivalry, but if you're not emotionally attached to any of these games it's an interesting overview of the development of football (in an alternate universe where Minnesota always wins).

There are also a zillion brown jug pictures, naturally, and this spectacularly entertaining newspaper/magazine type thing previewing the '34 game:

By this point you will be unsurprised to find out that Minnesota nuked Michigan 34-0.



July 22nd, 2009 at 12:22 PM ^

The Silver Dime Night Club ad on p. 24 of that thing.

"The sensational and amazing NIGHT SPOT where Twin Citians go for a Thrilling good time"


The latter might be my new motto?


July 22nd, 2009 at 12:29 PM ^

that Minnesota finally left that antiseptic Metrodome! That joint was an abomination to the game of football.

The new football stadium is going to be really nice and it's located close to the campus.

Now if only the Minny admins could schedule Miami, FSU or Florida to come up north to play a round of Gopher in November.

And what about a new bowl game?

The "WinterFest Bowl!" played in February at TCF Bank Stadium. Yeah, that'll work nicely.

Big Boutros

July 22nd, 2009 at 12:29 PM ^

Mallory Hats--a true pip's only choice for fine men's outerwear. Whether you're dizzy with a dame or just an off the cob wet sock who gets the kibosh from all the broads, Mallory Hats is aces. Yes, when you're lighting up a Charleston and sending the boys on the pitch your sincerest hurrah, make Foot-ball day a Mallory day! Mallory Hats, beginning at 35 cents. Stop by a tailor today!


July 22nd, 2009 at 1:31 PM ^

I offer my sincerest hurrah to your endorsement of Mallory Hats!

Best ads:

Mallory Hats, pg. 16. "Mallory Hats have the devil-may-care dash that men envy and women admire."

The Colwell Press, Inc., pg. 11. "The same Accuracy, Speed and Power that has brought fame to the Gophers..."

Silver Dime Night Club. "Choice Beverages and Tasty Foods at the unheard of price of one or two dimes."

The pack of Chesterfields symbolically placed between the team lineups, pg. 14-15. An example of some pretty impressive pagination for those days.

Martin A. Nelson For Governor: A SANE Progressive

Camels: Wake up your Energy! (with costlier tobaccos)


July 22nd, 2009 at 12:31 PM ^

For future ref: the "newspaper like thingy" is called a "Digital Edition." I find them awesome, especially when reading an iPhone on the can.

Michigan Arrogance

July 22nd, 2009 at 12:47 PM ^

Your second rate foot-ball team cannot compete against a first class club like ours at Michigan. Your players are not of the finest quality and your coach is most assuredly of questionable moral fiber. Our Michigan boys will travel to your stadium and defeat you soundly. Consequently, the jug shall be retained in Ann Arbor for an additional year of storage. Surely, your shame shall be felt for an additional annum.


Relatedly, this:


July 22nd, 2009 at 2:10 PM ^

At the informal reception following the game:

"Lyle Wittingham! Did you know I sat but two rows behind you at this afternoon's grid contest?"

"Did you, now? Isn't that lovely. A fine contest it was, eh? Our boys really gave those Michigan men a fine thrashing."

"Quite! It was a fine day for me, and I must say, it seemed quite the thrill for Millie, as well. She had never been to a grid contest before. Did you know?"

"Oh, isn't that lovely. My Sarah won't come, of course. She abhors such things, or so she says. I say her prattling, gossiping bridge circles are no the less violent."

"Oh! Wit sharp as ever, I see. I say, by way of sharp wit, did you see those two students seated nearer the field of play today? They must've been engineering graduates."

"How so? I didn't notice anything."

"Why, they'd rigged a regular automotive shop funnel with a length of rubber tubing, and they were drinking lager from it! It was ingenious! The design allowed them to consume alcohol at a most rapid pace."

"Marvelous what the new generation will come up with, isn't it?"

Rush N Attack

July 22nd, 2009 at 2:40 PM ^

1). The Buckeye player is bent over being pounded with some sort of giant meat stick.

2). The Buckeye player looks like he has a duck bill.

3). The "x" (where his eyes should be) indicates that he is in fact dead.


July 22nd, 2009 at 3:26 PM ^ the advertising engine once again. I'm now going to step outside and have a Camel, because I need to "wake up my energy" by experiencing that "'delightful energizing effect.'"