This Week in the Twitterverse: Anniversary Edition

Submitted by BiSB on June 27th, 2013 at 9:57 AM

This Week in the Twitterverse takes a look at the social media happenings of the previous week, or whatever else I feel like talking about. Mostly I make fun of people who are better at things than I am. No purchase necessary, void where prohibited. Consult your doctor if this column lasts more than four hours. If you come across anything you think should be in next week's column, send it to @Bry_Mac.

 

As of today, I have been married to my lovely wife, Mrs. BiSB (also known as WiSB or J_Mac, but not really), for exactly four years. In that spirit, I thought I would share some of the lessons I have learned in those years, in hopes that my wisdom may save you from some of my missteps.

Your stupidity is noticed, stupid.

When you screw up (and you WILL screw up), you may not always get called on it. You ignored a request to refrain from peeing in the sink  put some pants on, dammit, we have company do the dishes, or you come home from your "quick drink after work" at 2:00 a.m. with a concussion, wearing a loin cloth and reeking of ouzo, and your significant other lets it slide. "I'm a wizard," you think to yourself. "I should rob banks. Or the Louvre." You see, you confused a patient and tolerant person with someone who didn't mind. Turns out, humans tend to notice and respond to stimuli. You are unknowingly making withdrawals from the First National Bank of Spousal Patience, and you never know when your balance will hit zero and crap will hit the fan. To wit:

McKenzie

As we have discussed many times, people send stupid tweets to recruits all the time. The recruits usually don't respond, so the morons tweeting them probably assume either (a) no one notices or cares, or (b) they need to up their trolling game to break through the noise. Turns out, they are just making their respective schools look bad. Shai Mckenzie had a since-deleted back-and-forth with one such Pitt fan, and as a result he’s not feeling the love. I don’t know if he decided to cancel the visit (it was scheduled for today), but needless to say that if you were the fan who cost your team a 4-star running back, your day will not be good.

Sometimes a little space is a good thing

If you've been in a relationship for a long time, you probably enjoy spending time together. Regardless, a little "me time" is a healthy thing for both of you. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and you don't need to share your every thought and every waking moment with your paramour. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Omnipresence makes you this dude:

Turner

Kentucky has jumped to the front of the Inappropriate Twitter Stalkers parade, and this guy is out front waving a Big Blue baton. As you can probably guess, those are all recruits (including Jamarco Jones, who is most decidedly not considering Kentucky anymore). It isn't even that he contacts recruits. It's how OFTEN he's contacting recruits. And what he's saying to them. And how it seems to be the SOLE REASON he has a Twitter account. And... Jeebus, read that feed. He’s mentioned TJ Harrell nearly 50 times in the last two weeks alone. So, based on quantity, quality, use of exclamation points, and overall lack of self-awareness, I declare you, John Turner, to be the TWITTER CREEPER OF THE YEAR OF THE WEEK. This is only the second time I have given this award, so cherish it, BBN hero.

[After the jump, your friends may be on your side, but that doesn't mean they're "helping"]

YFMBOYSBTDMTH:

We men get ourselves in enough trouble, so the last thing we need is a group of instigators around us encouraging us to make things worse. Often this will take the form of “you should rekindle that fight you just had, because YOU were right,” or “you should do that thing she asked you not to do, because you’re a free man and this is America.”

Likewise, you may say to yourself, “I know it’s wrong to tweet kids because BiSB told me so,” and you’ll look to you your team’s coaches for confirmation. But instead some coach is all “that’s cool, rules are for suckers because ESS EEE SEE WOOOOOO” (relevant bit at 2:45):

You can't imagine when you're recruiting a kid out of high school and his twitter account jumps a thousand people in two hours because the fans found out who he was. It is overwhelming to me and it really brings a new excitement that I didn't know we had to myself because I know what it's doing for recruiting.  We can only do so much.  When they feel the Big Blue Nation out there doing that...  I can't tell you how many letters I write, how many phone calls I make, or how hard I work, the fans can pour so much into it that we can't do.  It's awesome to see.

~ Tommy Mainord; WR coach, Kentucky

Twitter heroes like TCOTYOTW Award-winner John Turner may well be a permanent fixture on the ‘crootin landscape for the forseeable future, but I think we all assumed that most coaches viewed these guys as an annoyance at best and a dangerous hindrance at worst. And even if coaches thought this kind of crap was helpful, they would keep it to themselves and allow the thing to unfold while they feigned a shred of dignity. But no, this is an actual coach at a BCS school who is actively encouraging fans to break NCAA rules in a creep-tastic manner. And he’s doing so IN A UNIVERSITY-PRODUCED VIDEO. Go home, Kentucky. You’re drunk. And no drunk tweeting when you get home. YFMBOYSBTDMTH.

On the other hand, Kentucky did invent the idea of using "hashtags", so I guess they can get... no. They get nothing. They lose. Good day sir.

Keep everything in perspective

It’s easy in a relationship to lose sight of the big picture. You lose the forest through the trees, and sometimes you have to take a step back and look at what really matters.

As an analogy, imagine someone was accused of a vicious premeditated murder. Now, most people would focus on the human tragedy this represents. But other people (mostly those who have completely lost any sense of a social compass) might focus on how that event might affect that person’s sponsors:

Rovell

Process that for a second. Hernandez was charged with murder today, and PUMA HAD NO COMMENT.* One guy is dead. Another has thrown his life away. An 8-month-old child will probably grow up without a father present. And you’re going with the impact on... Puma. Interesting tack.

Sponsors

I think George Diaz of the Orlando Sentinel said it well when he predicted:

The tragedy of Odin's death and the impact on his family will become a secondary story for talking heads in our celebrity-obsessed culture

And sure enough, Mr. Diaz was soon proven correct by… George Diaz of the Orlando Sentinel:

As folks like to say, when one door closes, another opens up.

In this case, it’s the clink  of the cellblock closing in on Aaron Hernandez, and the heavens parting for Tim Tebow.

Those quotes are from the same article. I can’t make my brain close that gap. Then again, at least Diaz seems to understand the implications of murder charges, unlike some people:

McNabb

I’m going to go out on a limb, Donovan, and predict that yes, there is a pretty good chance that if convicted, this could really take a bite out of Hernandez’s most productive NFL years (those being “the years where he is alive”).

*NOTE: if the “no comment” doesn’t come from a shoe company, but rather from an actual puma, then that would be noteworthy. It would also be smart, because if you are a carnivorous jungle cat, you’re probably going to want to invoke your Fifth Amendment rights, because you WILL be a suspect.

Marry up

Wedding

One of these people is attractive. One writes a stupid column.

[BONUS: marriage advice for women

Don’t marry this guy.

Henderson

Obvious advice is obvious.]

Comments

boliver46

June 27th, 2013 at 10:10 AM ^

reminds me of an ex-girlfriend desperate for a response...ANY response...please God let him reply THIS TIME...

In the words of my Five-Year old daughter: "He's TWEEPY"

1464

June 27th, 2013 at 10:18 AM ^

My 3.5 year old son said he was going to put on a play for his mom (former OSU student).  He put on the Michigan helmet my uncle got for him and called himself "Helmet Hudson".  He then kept repeating a single knock knock joke over and over and over.  Kids are ridiculous.

1464

June 27th, 2013 at 11:20 AM ^

He just answered by saying

"A cow that's stepping on daddy's head.." and laughing maniacally at himself.

"A sheep that's stepping on daddy's face..."

He doesn't really get the structure of a joke yet.  Somehow it is still hilarious.
 

TorturedClassof11

June 27th, 2013 at 10:33 AM ^

Ray Lewis (possibly) got away with (being involved in a) murder and look at him, plenty of productive years on his way to HOF.  So Donovan's question may not be that ridiculous after all (except that it is because Hernandez's career is over).

Also, anybody remember Craig James (allegedly) killing five hookers at SMU?? He stuck around in the public eye quite a while after that

elm

June 27th, 2013 at 10:34 AM ^

It should be noted that Diaz's comment about the heavens parting for Tebow came before his complaint that the tragedy would become secondary to the celebrity obsessed media.  He didn't "soon" prove himself correct; he had already proven himself correct before launching his complaint.

Also, McNabb's comment isn't as crazy as you make it sound as you, yourself, note that it will only end his career if he is convicted.  Ray Lewis had a fine career despite being arrested for murder.

BiSB

June 27th, 2013 at 10:38 AM ^

He could certainly play again if he's acquitted (which, like, no), though even then I can't imagine a team that would touch him. But asking "could this be the end of his career?" when we're talking about a 1st degree murder charge seems a little 'well no shit' to me.

Maize and Blue…

June 27th, 2013 at 11:28 AM ^

Isn"t that what we all thought about Mike Vick?  I realize Vick killed dogs not another human, but I never thought he would be allowed to play.  Didn't a Ram player kill someone and play again?

BiSB

June 27th, 2013 at 1:01 PM ^

But I see them as different somehow. Vick had what amounted to a hobby. An illegal, terrible, morally indefensible hobby that made me never want to hear his name again, but a hobby nonetheless. Remove that hobby, and the 'red flags' are significantly reduced. Hernandez has what I would term a "lifestyle problem," in which he keeps getting himself in trouble for increasingly dumb and violent stuff. I don't know how a team trusts him again.

MaizeNBlueInDC

June 27th, 2013 at 1:12 PM ^

I think you are talking about Donte Stallworth when he was a Brown (happened in Miami).  Vehicular manslaughter and I think he was under the influence. Didn't even get jail time (well other than time served).  He was very upfront and honest about the thing and was completely cooperative from the get go.  Then he got picked up by the Pats...

Evil Empire

June 27th, 2013 at 2:15 PM ^

CNNSI quasi pity party article from 1/28/2000: "Some people meet me sometimes and they sit down and talk to me for a while and ask me my name and say, 'Oh, you're the guy,'" Little says.

Little's the one who celebrated his 24th birthday at a St. Louis bar in October of 1998. He's the one who got behind the wheel of his Lincoln Navigator legally drunk. He's the one who ran a red light at a downtown intersection. He's the one who plowed into a much smaller car. He's the one who ended the life of Susan Gutweiler.

Space Coyote

June 27th, 2013 at 10:37 AM ^

"When you screw up (and you WILL screw up), you may not always get called on it. You ignored a request to refrain from peeing in the sink  put some pants on, dammit, we have company do the dishes, or you come home from your "quick drink after work" at 2:00 a.m. with a concussion, wearing a loin cloth and reeking of ouzo, and your significant other lets it slide. "I'm a wizard," you think to yourself. "I should rob banks. Or the Louvre.""

...pretty much describes my life.

FreddieMercuryHayes

June 27th, 2013 at 10:43 AM ^

For some reason your mention of Puma and Hernandez reminds me of one of my favorite Chris Rock quotes from No Sex in the Champagne Room: "...if you're in the movie theater, and someone steps on your shoe, let it slide.  It's not worth spending the 15 years in jail because somebody smudged your Puma."

yzerman19

June 27th, 2013 at 11:04 AM ^

wow thanks.   i googled it and searched this site and came up empty.  i was wondering if i am just to cooked to be pretending to practice law andyou just confirmed it thanks again.

WolverineRage

June 27th, 2013 at 11:02 AM ^

First, Happy Anniversary!

Second, on the death being the secondary story, I totally agree. I won't go so far as to say I was appalled, but I definitely was left a little uncomfortable when I started seeing pics on Twitter of people "Hernandezing". (Pulling your arms out of the sleeves of your t-shirt and putting them behind your back in the shirt)

All I kept thinking was "A guy died and your making meme's out if the accused arrest photo? What the hell?"

ahw1982

June 27th, 2013 at 12:36 PM ^

Speaking of keeping things in perspective. . . I find it ironic that some who makes a single tweet about Puma is being accused of a lack of perspective.  It is a tweet.  On Twitter.  Did I miss the memo about how Twitter is now only for insightful commentary?

Njia

June 27th, 2013 at 1:48 PM ^

(To the same woman) I can assure you that the worstbest is yet to come. You've had one child now. Real parenting skills start with two children, both of whom should be in diapers. Bonus points if you have twins.  

And that's when the arguments really begin.

M-Wolverine

June 27th, 2013 at 2:22 PM ^

And how did I miss that the victim's name was Odin? I'm surprised in Aaron Hernandez's genius ability to cover up a crime he hasn't pointed a finger blaming Loki.

JohnnyV123

June 28th, 2013 at 2:31 AM ^

I don't know man. Kentucky must be doing something right with the class they are pulling in despite logic existing in the world.

They went 2-10 last year. Yeah I know it's a new coach new start and everything, but still. Maybe some players like getting creeped on.