This Week in Terrible Purdue Rap

Submitted by BiSB on August 22nd, 2013 at 9:43 AM

Typically this column tries to grab a cross-section of the happenings of social media. But sometimes an event is so all-encompassing that we can’t look away. No matter how hard we try to move on, a big ol’ train wreck will always grab and hold our attention. Fortunately, this one comes with actual trains:

[NOTE: The magic men behind this video have been trying desperately to pull these videos down as fast as we can bring them up, so if it gets pulled down, don’t worry. The Internet never forgets.]

There are just so many things going on here. Matt Painter makes a half-assed cameo. They attempt to rhyme “outdone” with “Boiler Up” (among about thirty other failed rhymes). The Lonely Island beat. The guy in the tuxedo. The overreliance on the inherent awesomeness of having a big drum. The sunglasses. The lyrics. Ooooooh, the lyrics.

As you can imagine, many people have put in their two cents on the topic. Among the suggested reading:

  • Sports Illustrated transcribed the lyrics, and in doing so realized half-way through that they were doing the work of the devil.
  • Purdue blog Hammer and Rails created a breakdown pointing out a number of factual inaccuracies, as well as to the general WTFness.
  • Spencer Hall over at EDSBS provided a helpful how-to guide for making team-themed music videos. The takeaway: don’t.
  • Adam Jacobi at Black Hearts Gold Pants showed how Kirk Ferentz would have thrown down, which… just read it.

The only remaining question is where exactly this video falls in the Pantheon of the Pathetic. Let’s take a brief run through the history of terrible team tunes:

[AFTER THE JUMP: Yes, of course there will be Freekbass.]

We Are ND:

Told ya.


The (blue and) gold standard in terrible media. This was actually produced by Notre Dame. They proudly posted it on their YouTube page, billing it as the latest production by award-winning artist Freekbass. This was just embarrassing, even considering the high standard for embarrassment in South Bend:

These are not unlike the roller skates Notre Dame wore in the National Championship game.


This is Indiana:

If there was any doubt, it’s pretty clear by now that the state of Indiana can no longer be trusted with technology. They only figured out Daylight Savings Time like five years ago.


We Are Mizzou:

Do you kinda wonder what the Purdue video would look and sound like if it was auto-tuned within an inch of its life? Put that block M down, son. You’re doing it wrong.


Crank Dat Gopherboy

The title says it all. Please don’t click it. You’ll listen to it for 12 seconds, get pissed at me, and punch a co-worker, and you’ll blame me. And I don’t want that. Even by writing the title I probably put the song in your head, undoing 6 years of work. And for that, I am deeply sorry.




Willie’s Chant

KSU was trying to pump some life into their program a few years back, and they came up with the Power Towel and the Willie Chant. Watch this, and tell me it wasn’t at least somewhat inspired by this guy:



Return of the Quack

Joey Harrington sighting JOEY HARRINGTON SIGHTING

[Side note: did you know Return of the Mack reached #2 on the Billboard Chart. The song that kept it from reaching #1? MMMBop. Sarcastic slow clap, 1997. Way to go.]


Oklahoma Things:

Repeat offenders are rare. Stick your finger in the light socket once and you learn a valuable lesson. Do it twice, and your parents start mentally downgrading their expectations for your career achievements. Purdue did this, noticed that everyone laughed their asses off, and tried like heck to get the thing pulled (spoiler: they won’t succeed). Oklahoma did the one, and then they did the other one. Point: Purdue.


Team Song + Leave Britney Alone = WPS.


Call Me Maybe:

A bunch of schools collaborated on this particular abomination. On the plus side, they left the singing to the meh pop star. On the downside, that inflatable Nebraska thing. I’m tempted to say, “show this to Dave Brandon so he knows the possible ramifications of having a mascot,” but there’s a decent chance that’s how SkyNet happens, and I’m not going to be responsible for that. I’m already on the hook for the Crank Dat thing.



Party in the OSU

Okay, this doesn’t really belong in this discussion, but listen to Aaron Craft. Listen to him. He has the kind of voice that would make Homeric seamen crash into the rocks, but in an attempt to make the bad lady stop.

Finally, remember that this happened.

One caveat, though. It’s all fun and games in the abstract, but mock these videos at your own peril. Remember this little ditty?

Not so funny now, is it?

Exception: The following people can create team songs if you want. In fact, it is encouraged.

EDIT: Holy crap I forgot Aggie Swag. Forgiveness please.



August 22nd, 2013 at 10:00 AM ^


Ok, sorry, done with my rant.  Its mind bottling that people can get together, spend the time and money to create something like this and think its something other than a parody or joke.

Now, if it was meant to be funny, draw a bunch of unneeded attention, and create a buzz, then they are absolute geniuses.    

yossarians tree

August 22nd, 2013 at 12:32 PM ^

Kids having fun. Whatever.

My only thing is really with all rappers since the first rapper. Why is it mandatory for the rapper to do the crossing the arms, shrugging the shoulders thing? It is completely a compulsory movement. Sort of like tatoos. They were once a symbol of rebellion and now they are a symbol of conformity.

That being said, I don't mind rap. I like the beats, but I prefer it in another language so I don't have to hear the actual inane commentary.


August 22nd, 2013 at 10:09 AM ^

1) That was my first viewing of the Purdue least as fine an effort as most, but really it pales compared to the work of ND and the collective efforts of our B1G mascots.  2) Are we sure we want DB  viewing that one?  He may begin feeling left out of some aspect of this whole social media thing and recommission Willie.   I guess 3 thoughts... Oregon has quality and depth at the cheer position.

Number 7

August 22nd, 2013 at 10:23 AM ^

is really the operative word in that assessment.  Seriously, its not just that there are apparently no black people at Purdue (OK -- there may actually be three), it's that the white folk there epitomize the descriptor "pasty."  Also, there are only three women.  In both cases, i'm going to say the video demographics are not representative on account of common sense (on the part of the underrepresented groups).

Blue in Yarmouth

August 22nd, 2013 at 10:08 AM ^

I found two things in this post very surprising:

1) that there were this many white guys who weren't aware that (with very few exceptions) white guys can't rap or dance. And before anyone calls me a racist, I'm a white guy who just is willing to admit the truth.


2) I would never have guessed that a video done at Indiana would have multiple hot girls in it. That shocked me actually.

I will leave my post with this: The thing I am most grateful for on this boring Thursday morning is the fact that I had the sound disabled on my computer since watching that purdue video the other day. I had a feeling it wouldn't be the last time I came across that abomination.

Space Coyote

August 22nd, 2013 at 10:14 AM ^



Oh, oh, I get it... this is the update we were promised to roll out over the summer. I was excited for the return of upvotes, but I must admit, the killing off of that jerk BiSB and replacing him with this guy is up there in my book.

/ hoping BiSB is Bryan Mac, otherwise I was just a complete a-hole in this post.


August 22nd, 2013 at 12:36 PM ^

...except that with where you placed it supposed to encourage more of the same?  or is it mockable like the rest?

And is it bad that I listened and am still unsure as to whether the placement was intentionally ironic?

Evil Empire

August 22nd, 2013 at 11:25 AM ^

Probably their favorite YouTube video, followed closely by the Oregon Cheer version of Gangnam Style.  Unfortunate consequence: my 3yo son saw the Brutus Buckeye at Build-A-Bear, recognized it from the CMM video, and wanted to get choose him.  I was able to persuade him to get a monkey instead.  My 6yo daughter (unprompted) boos Brutus' participation. 



Counterpoint to this whole thing: the Midas Touch video featuring Goldy Gopher, which was awesome:


August 22nd, 2013 at 11:25 AM ^

I watched every single one then I go to refresh the page and went "SOB! Not another one."


1. Amazingly, I find Aggie Swag fairly high quality when compared to most of the other videos.

2. Aaron Craft singing had me laughing so hard I was crying.

3. I thought that Bob Stoops was a cardboard cutout until he nodded his head.

4. Every non college student cameoing in these videos acts incredibly awkward.

5. I would give it to Indiana for the worst rap with lines like "Big Ten who's your daddy? No, really, who's your daddy? Yeah, your stool's coming up short. (What?) Bilbo Baggins."

6. Crank Dat Gopherboy's worstiness will be difficult to challenge by any video in the history of man.


August 22nd, 2013 at 11:33 AM ^

I'd recommend reading Spencer's full post, if only for his suggestion near the end.

If you are going to rap, despite rule #3: GO ALL OUT. Do not just talk about how your rival is lame. Really ether those assholes. TIP "Your quarterback makes me sick" rhymes with "yo mamma love my gold plated dick." We provide a list of rhymes you can and may want to use when constructing your devastating verses.

The Big Ten Ones

I'm from Wisconsin bitch, seein' double when I get me some/ wasted, can't see straight, so every night's a threesome

A Michigan Man says thank you, more turducken/ pizza thick all around, magnum condoms when we fuckin

East Lansing, y'all, where the gangstas ride with no stress/ keep the feet on the pedals cause the ride's repossessed

The movies, the barber, a baptism hall / I'm Ohio State, son, I'll fuckin' drink at 'em all

He does like 15 other teams too


August 22nd, 2013 at 11:39 AM ^

Damn it, I'm going to have to take an extra long offsite lunch just to watch all these.  The giggles from my office are giving me away.