Unverified Voracity Makes A Birdman

Submitted by Brian on October 19th, 2009 at 3:04 PM

Throw it down, Jimmy Chitwood. Zach Novak's house-destroying, contest-obliterating slam dunk from Michigan Madness, via UMHoops:

Darius Morris had already picked up a 40 of 40 on his second dunk, which you can also see at Dylan's site, but the Novak dunk ended with various members of the women's team—who were the judges—attempting to give him all of their score placards. So he got like 160 points. Nice points, Novak.

I had to duck out before the scrimmages, so I don't have much else to add about the event. It was worth having and I hope Michigan continues it, though next time maybe the introductions can go much, much quicker?

SIDE NOTE: Hey, remember this from the Iowa recap?

This disaster was played incessantly over the PA, and we, not being 14-year-old-girls, didn't know what it was. Friend of Blog joked that it was probably a Jonas Brothers song, and we laughed, and then we thought to ourselves IS that a Jonas Brothers song? It turns out no, but it's by the Black Eyed Peas, which is 95% as emasculating. Hell, this imeem playlist by one Shelby Veppert, who—no foolies—is a 19-year old from Columbus who lists Nickelback(!!!) as one of her favorite bands, has the song sandwiched between two Jonas Brothers songs. If Michigan Stadium ever has anything that can be considered a sort of theme song I'm going to buy out Ann Arbor Torch & Pitchfork, and if it's ever something as terrifyingly fey as that thing, I'll storm the castle myself.

Guess what fey, awful disaster of a song was used for the pre-festivities hype video? I've got my torch. Who's coming with me as we storm the guy in the Michigan marketing department who picks the music, find out he's Seth Green's character from Ten Things I Hate About You  Can't Hardly Wait, and mail him to a former Soviet republic? Anybody?

TWIS addendum. Aaaaargh. I thought I had plenty of Ohio State material ("It's not easy being an Ohio State fan. No wonder we're a drunken army of idiots.") for This Week In Schadenfreude, and I did, but if I had checked BHGP before I threw it to my editor I would have included this guy four or five times:

Seriously. Seriously: watch this bucktard. Seriously. He challenges Pryor to a fight. Call Pryor whatever you want—Darko in cleats, arm punter, murder condoner, guy with emotional problems—but there is no way he can't beat the holy hell out of a skinny white dude with a soul patch. And that's not even considering Eleven Warriors' withering Purdue recap:

I mentioned it last week and feel compelled to bring it up again: Could it be that Pryor simply doesn’t have the necessary mental skills to play QB at the major college level? All we hear is how hard he works in the film room blah blah blah but the end result thus far is a QB just as inconsistent in all phases of the game as last year.

The new wrinkle this week to the TP-Trainwreck was of course the ridiculous comments he made about the offense being ready to explode. Uh, I suppose he meant implode. Here’s a sampling of his mind-numbing handiwork yesterday. It’s like deja vu all over again. And I’m supposed to be happy he’s here for another 2.5 years?

Holy crap, man. I've been bringing up Ohio State's gaping backup QB hole for a year and a half now, but the hope I held out for an OSU implosion at the position always assumed the disaster would befall OSU in the event of an injury to DiC. This sort of meltdown was a distant possibility harbored in the deepest hearts of Michigan fans, prevented from surfacing because merely speaking the hope would result in Pryor going all Troy Smith on Michigan.

…Which is still a possibility. At this point in Smith's sophomore year he was running for more yards than he passed for and looking a lot like Denard Robinson does right now minus the world-class speed. I'm not ready to bury Pryor yet.

Inside-outside. I already pulled out Chris Brown's explanation of the differences between the inside and outside zone plays last week, but he's expanded his thinking into a full post on his home site that's worth checking out if you're into that sort of thing. I'll try to use that information going forward, though the way Brown describes it the differences are so subtle it might be hard to determine what's what.

One coaching point people have offered up this year during my attempts to discern one play from the other: the thing you want to look at is the alignment of the QB relative to the RB. If they're about even, that's going to be a stretch play. If the QB is a yard or so in front of the tailback, that's usually because the RB's angle is going to be more upfield because the play is an inside zone or other quick-hitting run that aims to punish the opponent for overpursuing on the stretch. It's sort of like a mini version of the pistol, if that makes sense.

Big Ten Hockey wha? Via Michigan Hockey Net and Yost Built, here's the first step towards a potentially shocking college hockey realignment:

A series of high-level discussions took place this summer about the creation of a new men's hockey league featuring the five Big Ten Conference members that sponsor the sport.

But despite support for the endeavor from multiple schools, including the University of Wisconsin, the concept failed to extend beyond the exploratory stage.

Minnesota was against it, Ohio State and Wisconsin for, it and Michigan and Michigan State "brought open minds" to the summer talks, whatever that means.

There are some obvious problems with a Big Ten Hockey conference. With only five teams sponsoring the sport, a BTHC would fall one short of the minimum necessary to garner an NCAA auto-bid (not that the schools in the conference would need one), and one short of conference requirements to sponsor a sport. Unless the prospect of a Big Ten conference would spur Penn State or Illinois to go varsity, it's a non-starter. And as discussed here whenever the topic comes up, Minnesota is the beating heart of the WCHA and is loathe to give up longtime rivalries against a zillion instate schools and, most importantly, North Dakota.

On the other hand, a Big Ten conference would break the current logjam that sees college hockey virtually unable to expand because each conference is full. The remainder of the WCHA would be a highly viable conference, with UND, CC, and Denver all national powers and teams like UMD, SCSU, and even Minnesota-Mankato tourney contenders on a regular basis. Add in UNO with Dean Blais and that's still a strong conference. A CCHA without Michigan and Michigan State would be considerably more rickety, but the recent emergence of Miami and Notre Dame as powers gives the league something to stand on, and a small Big Ten conference would provide a ton of nonconference opportunities for the departed programs to throw around to local schools.

If a Big Ten hockey conference is not in the cards, another crazy move might be:

Multiple college hockey sources said UW officials responded to the slowing of the talks by making it known they would consider moving to the CCHA.



Oh no, Corso!

Frazier acknowledged that UW would be a "jewel'' for the CCHA, but he denied such rhetoric, saying, "We're loyal to the WCHA."

…Asked about the notion, Alvarez said men's coach Mike Eaves wasn't interested in changing leagues. "If Mike's not interested, I'm not interested,'' Alvarez said. "I'd be interested in other things. As I've said before, regionalizing hockey makes sense.''

My head is spinning here.

Etc.: Meta: Seth Godin on "notice me," which is a lot of what the web emphasizes but fails to have a purpose in and of itself. CONER. (Yes, I'm charting him. Call off the hounds.)

Wait. Wait:

“I was trying to get in at wideout, too, to be honest, but it didn’t work,” Cone said. “I took a couple (reps in practice) a couple weeks ago just because I’m tall, but they gotta get some more confidence in me first.”

Okay. Carry on with your life.



October 19th, 2009 at 3:18 PM ^

I am going to wait until after 11/21, but if all goes well, Darko In Cleats will become his new official nickname. Love it.

Someone should DVR and UFR the third quarter of that game, by the way.

10 offensive snaps for OSU and they had nothing but fumbles, INTs, penalties, INCs and TFLs against.



October 19th, 2009 at 3:30 PM ^

Wouldn't it make sense for Notre Dame to join up with the rest of the Big 10 teams in a Big 10 hockey conference or are there other issues with them being in the Big East for basketball? That'd be your 6th team right there.


October 19th, 2009 at 3:34 PM ^

"I will continue to respect you as a great football coach... however... I will rip you a new asshole every week for the rest of my life as long as you're at Ohio State if you keep fucking up our program."

Oh, it is so so delicious.


October 19th, 2009 at 3:38 PM ^

is in "The Rocker's" mouth? He has some sort of unregistered contaminant in his gaping maw. He can barely piece two words together coherently already, but, that's just ridiculous.

Ah, the Buckeyes. In a class all by themselves.

peg dash fab

October 19th, 2009 at 10:50 PM ^

i always thought that girls who got their tongues pierced did it to ... um ... you know ... um ... stimulate ... um ... you know ... to get popular!

so this guy ... um ... you know ... uh ... not that there's anything wrong with that!

it is funny, though, how he sssssnakes his way through through his sssssssibiliants!


October 19th, 2009 at 3:43 PM ^

I've got a feeling....wait is that a bad pun?? Oh well, I think you are going to get some Black Eyed Peas when the light gets a little dim and Michigan is up and you have an extended TV break in the 4th qtr...."Tonight's gonna be a good, good, night". You heard it here 1st.

From Brian's posts I think I share a similar indie/alt rock taste in music, but I must confess that while I don't care for the song, I can see how it is good for the general masses to jump around to during the break.


October 19th, 2009 at 3:45 PM ^

He was looking off camera a lot. Did he have queue cards?

Brian - I'm with you on the "Torch & Pitchfork" thing. I sat in Section 16 and could barely hear the band. My friend (who has the season tickets) said that without the addition of the luxury suite facade, the band couldn't be heard. Boo. =(

Shalom Lansky

October 19th, 2009 at 3:56 PM ^

Picking out 1 (or a few pathetic moments) in that OSU fan's video kind of short changes the thousands of other equally pathetic moments but my favorites are the pics of him posing with hot women who are PAID to pose in such pictures. What does this prove? That he attends promotional events? Impressive.


October 19th, 2009 at 3:57 PM ^

Absolutely love this guy. Plays power forward in the Big Ten as a true freshman at (a generous) 6'5". Has the ability to score 20 points on a good night. Hits some clutch threes against major competition. Hustles himself into a bloody oblivion on any given night and now I find out he's got hops too. What more could I ask for?


October 19th, 2009 at 3:57 PM ^

The guy looks and talks like he's a higher functioning autistic bucktard.

Did you see the 50+ year old OSU fan on BTN with his head painted silver at the end of the game? They need to do some serious genetic counseling down in Columbus.

S.G. Rice

October 19th, 2009 at 4:05 PM ^


[x] has mad flow
[x] makes a sick throw
[x] hang out with his bros
[?] runs a stop-and-go


Also: UFR will be extra sweet this week now that charting is CONFIRMED.

Section 1

October 19th, 2009 at 4:18 PM ^

Brothers' song inside Michigan Stadium at all makes me feel like young Mr. Seriously Bucktard in that video.

Please. Just stop it. No more rock music in Michigan Stadium once the games begin. It's all a stupid idea. You can discuss playlists all you want. It will still be a stupid idea.

It. Is. Just. A. Stupid. Idea.

If some other rival shcool had been playing Black Eyed Peas songs on their stadium P.A. system, I'd be laughing my ass off at them, saying, "You guys play Black Eyed Peas (or fill-in-the-blank) on your P.A. Ha ha!"

Pryor: yes, he generally sucked versus Purdue. Yes, he's having an undistiguished sophomore slump of a season. Yes, his longest completion last Saturday was to a Purdue cornerback. (Not really; but his longest thrown ball was indeed caught by a Purdue d-back.) But Pryor can still run like Vince Young, he showed definite flashes of it on Saturday, and he's a lot more likely to last a whole season than our own fabulously non-Pryor Tate Forcier. "Pryor Sucks" gets us nowhere. "Winning every Saturday" gets us where we want to be. I distinctly remember somebody going all Troy Smith all over Michigan. It wasn't that long ago. Some guy named Troy Smith did it.

The Other Brian

October 19th, 2009 at 4:19 PM ^

Pryor does not run like Vince Young. He's big like Vince, he has long strides like Vince...and he shies away from contact, unlike Vince. He doesn't have the mentality for it yet.

And Troy Smith did what he did against a pretty unathletic and slow Michigan defense. This current UM D has several issues, some glaring...but one thing it is not is slow and plodding.


October 19th, 2009 at 5:23 PM ^

I don't see how this gets "us" where "we" want to be. Nor do I see how "Pryor Sucks" has anything to do with getting "us" nowhere. Did I miss something, or was there an interview with RichRod and/or other UM players/coaches weighing in on the relative suck-level of TP?

Nothing I do has any impact on the outcome of football games. The reason why the music is commented on so much here is because it impacts the fan base. We're just fans, but, hopefully not much like "The Redneck Rocker."



October 19th, 2009 at 4:56 PM ^

Personally, i think a Big Ten Conference would be great for hockey. It would add a lot to the Michigan-Wisconsin and Michigan-Minnesota rivalry. Also, it would stop teams from the mid-west from traveling to Alaska every other year and would stop Alaska from traveling to the mid west multiple times a year.

You could keep the CCHA, since it would still have eight teams (after Nebraska-Omaha leaves)and the Big Ten with six (I would temporarily add Notre Dame to get the auto bid). It would allow a lot more out of conference rivalries to be established and would also make playoffs a lot more interesting. Plus the sport could grow, maybe Penn State could bring back a DI team and maybe a few more Big Ten schools could invest into teams.

Steve in PA

October 19th, 2009 at 5:06 PM ^

Was anyone else waiting for Bucktard's mom to call him for dinner? Seriously, why did he use the steps as the background? Was it because his parents were in the living room watching TV or he didn't want us to see the Hentai posters in his bedroom?

This video was just disturbing in too many ways.

Feat of Clay

October 20th, 2009 at 12:00 PM ^

I think he was in someone else's house--no way that kid has steps in his own home; you can't have a second story when the structure is up on cinder blocks.

I'm sure Bucktard broke in to some neighboring house while the occupants were indulging in the fine dining at Old Country Buffet. Taping on the steps had Bucktard right by the front door so he could grab his camera and bolt for freedom as soon as he heard the owner's garage door go up. Lucked out this "broadcast;" he got done before they pulled up.

$20 says he also took a dump in their toilet and didn't flush.


October 19th, 2009 at 5:09 PM ^

i think that unless other teams are ready to move up to D1, a BTHC will make the ccha too weak. they'd have miami, ND, and maybe northern as the power schools. and past that there isn't a whole lot unless ak-fairbanks hangs around


October 19th, 2009 at 5:38 PM ^

I love how the only thing he could remember in his entire rant* is that he made the mistake of challenging a 6'6" 235lb athlete to a fight and then he repeated it! I really want to see the video of that one. There has to be a TP look-alike in need of a few dollars willing to beat this guy's ass in a "prison style" fight.

*I really hasten to call it a rant as rants are generally more coherant - drooling butt vomit of the mouth is probably more accurate