Unverified Voracity Lifted Into The Heavens

Submitted by Brian on May 17th, 2012 at 4:11 PM

Hi. I would have packed this into yesterday's UV but internet problems + rehab equaled no. So here's the other stuff.

Local news, 1986. Wolverine Historian digs up a gem:

Five dollar parking and the hair, man. The hair. Check out the defector at around 2 minutes. We need a clip of that guy.

Position clarity and dang. In an interview with Touch the Banner, James Ross says he'll start off at the weakside linebacker spot. With Bolden ticketed for the center, I'm guessing Royce Jenkins-Stone is eventually slid to SAM. Where Kaleb Ringer goes is also probably in the middle.


I played hockey for a long time, and just being in that fast-paced environment helped, being able to see things. Hockey is really fast; you have to be able to move, and I think that really translates well to the football field.

Ross is 6'1", 225, and fast. If he could skate at all he would have been a crunching bodycheck factory had he stuck with the hockey. Video at TTB suggests he could not skate much as of early high school, but leave me to my lethal bodycheck fantasies.

More playoff stuff. I can't find this [freep] anywhere else, nor does this have a direct quote, but um… as far as reason not to have campus playoffs go this is even better than Bill Hancock's:

[Dave] Brandon understands the advantage a Big Ten team would gain from a playoff game on its campus but also realizes it’s not fair for schools across the country to play in the cold weather. Brandon also said he polled U-M players, who said they like to go to warm-weather bowl sites.

It's not fair. My brain stopped working. This is where I say something snarky or something about how this is not a good argument. I can't. Logic has been suspended. Get The Picture:

And just to show you how absurd this gets, rather than stand his ground on the more fan-friendly on-campus sites, Michigan State’s athletic director hopes instead that the NCAA will help families pay for the travel expense of going to an additional postseason game.

I  give up. The rest of this column will be written by my wife's cat.

THE LARGE HAIRY ONE SAYS THIS NEXT. You're probably expecting this to be in hilarious broken English lolcatese. Typical. I quit.

I do say this is next. Cats: cannot get them to do anything. Anyway, blogosphere old timers may remember Vijay, who ran one of the ur-blogs back in the day. He still hangs out on some message boards and put together a picture of the distance traveled by fans to get to bowl sites last year:

Avg distance traveled for the bowl
Big 10: 1261
Pac 10: 775
Big XII: 701
ACC: 667
SEC: 254
Big 10 travels MUCH further than anyone else. SEC travels much less. No surprise.

Avg miles differential (how far a team had to travel, compared to their opponent: + = traveling further)
Big 10: +812
ACC: -15
Big XII: -137
SEC: -399
Pac 10: -470
Big 10 is the only major conference that is generally playing further from home than their opponents.

# of games within 500 miles of home
Big 10: 1/10
ACC: 2/8
Big XII: 3/8
Pac 10: 3/7
SEC: 9/9
EVERY SINGLE SEC TEAM played within 500 miles of home.

Guess which SEC team was the only one to travel further for their bowl than their opponent. Answer below.

Meanwhile, every single Big 10 team traveled further than their opponent. Even Purdue, which got to play in Michigan, ended up playing Western Michigan.

Trivia answer: Alabama, who played LSU in New Orleans.

Use of the word fair in relation to this makes me want to wear around a horse. I'll say "I'm actually a slide rule, call me the King of Albania." I'll wear a sock on my hand I call Prince Knight who speaks only in riddles. His only riddle is "how are these people in charge?"

The cat does not find this amusing. I'm going to shake him until he does.



ALSO BONUS BONUS BONUS BONUS. Uniform hijinks are going to be an annual thing now From the above-linked article.

He discussed the heightened attention on U-M's jerseys, particularly in football. He said the school might have done too much with changing them last season and plans to quiet the speculation this fall by having a single rollout of all the game jerseys they’ll wear throughout the season. He said coaches, players and recruits enjoy variety.

"School" should be read as "Dave Brandon" and "speculation" should be read as "lack of speculation."

So at least there won't be any horrible, horrible surprises this year, and five different outfits seems off the table. Regular alternate whatnots are here to stay. Embrace it. I want wings on the pants. And the jerseys. I want a uniform that's just one giant wing. Like, when the offense lines up the unit should look like one winged helmet. With claws!

A note on something that happened last week. You know that child-porn-havin' OSU-recruit-creepin' twitter guy from last week? One: if you asked me to draw a composite of all OSU fans it would be him. Two: when you are in photos, keep your head straight.



Seriously, you should get that checked out or something. Also, thank you for existing.

Better at being in photos than OSU median guy. Jehu Chesson on the track:


Head: straight up and down.

Chesson won the 300 M hurdles at a regionals meet and is working on his 110M skills.

Etc.: Smart Football, the book. Highly recommended. TOC on the ill-founded grad-year transfer panic. Michigan made money, then spent money. They will bid out the MNC final.



May 17th, 2012 at 4:24 PM ^

"my lethal bodycheck fantasies", "THE LARGE HAIRY ONE", and thanks a child molester for existing. (That last part...really?)

And how does EVERY conference travel less than their opponent? Don't they play each other? It's because they're all playing Big Ten teams in their backyard. We're not just helping the Pac-Ten and SEC, but everybody (with the Big East's help, I'm guessing).

And is that video Channel 2 Detroit, or some other city? Because I don't remember any of those newscasters. Though you're right, I do remember some of the hairstyles on the women.


May 18th, 2012 at 1:45 AM ^

I remember Mike Redford. I grew up where I could get both Detroit and Lansing Channels. Of course they were a CBS affiliate so they got to use TV2 WJBK Detroit's reporter.

In fact, I was at at this game, a year after I graduated from UM! This was a heartbreaking year losing at home to MN and the team Holtz built! Up until this game everyone thought we were headed for a NC with Harbaugh and Morris!


May 18th, 2012 at 12:52 PM ^

Only because I'm a former hurdler. Anything above high school runs 400m hurdles outdoors. That's why that record has stood for 20+ years - no one runs it in professional competition.

But that's still a pretty good time.


May 19th, 2012 at 11:39 AM ^

I had exactly the opposite reaction.  "That guy looks like a football player!"  Add the wings on his sunglasses, and the apparent wings on his feet...  Can't wait to see him on the field. 

Great photo, by the way.  He could use it for his modeling portfolio if this sports thing doesn't work out.


May 17th, 2012 at 4:34 PM ^

is the dude at 1:21 of the newscast.  Acid-washed denim jacket w/ popped collar, sunglasses, and dead-on looks of a d-bag villain in 80's movie played by William Zabka (i.e., sweep the leg, Johnny).  You gotta look fast.


May 17th, 2012 at 5:25 PM ^

"Sweep the leg" is, of course, the order given by Kreese, sensei of the Cobra Kai, played by Martin Kove. 

I'm not sure, however, we know who yelled "Get him a body bag."


/Feeling bad that I didn't have to IMDB any of the first sentence.

The FannMan

May 17th, 2012 at 5:52 PM ^

"Get him a body bag" was yelled out by Johnny's douchey friend.  You know, the blond dude with the excellent 80's hair.

Ahhh, the 80's!


[Alright, I looked it up - it was Tommy played by someone named Rob Garrison.]


May 18th, 2012 at 3:35 PM ^

Both Kove and Garrison were dug up to reprise their roles for a karate skit on Tosh.0 towards the end of the last season. Zabka was apparrently too cool to participate.

San Diego Mick

May 17th, 2012 at 4:57 PM ^

about the woman with the cigarette, it wasn't too long after that smoking on planes was banned and in 1999 in California smoking was banned in bars and restaurants and it seems like much of the nation has followed suit.

Also, back then in my twenties, I hooked up with many babes with that hairstyle with the bangs over the forehead, made me lmfao.


May 18th, 2012 at 1:58 AM ^

When you're in the era you don't notice it! Now I look back and go whoa! I had a lot more hair back then, than I do now! Welcome to middle age!

During the early and mid 80s, I never smoked much tobacco! I remember going to Michigan games while in the student section and the kids down one row from me would smoke up a storm! When I left the stadium my clothes smelled like I just left a smoke filled bar!


May 17th, 2012 at 4:41 PM ^

(which is just as scientific -- i.e., made up -- as DB's) shows that they like to win semi-final playoff games played before a rabid crowd of home fans, and then be further rewarded by playing for a national championship at a warm-weather bowl site.

coastal blue

May 17th, 2012 at 5:37 PM ^

Any truth to the rumor on how Dave Brandon found out the players prefer warmer climates? I heard Dave Brandon's poll was conducted by showing each individual player a picture of a glacier next to a photo of Kate Upton doing the dougie on a tropical island and asking them to "pick one". 


May 17th, 2012 at 9:32 PM ^

pole" or "from the feedback that I am getting" to support their views.  How does that have any credibility?

Sounds like Brandon is trying to give away the UM family store.  What is next?  Take down the M Club Banner because visiting teams don't have one?  Get rid of the winged helmet because recruits like a different look?

What ever happened to the "We need a Michigan Man in charge who knows all about the M tradition?"


May 17th, 2012 at 4:44 PM ^

That OSU child-porn dude inhabits the same terrain that Peewee Herman (SP?) and that urquel (SP? again) kid once did.  I can't look at him without experiencing a short burst of deep discomfort.


May 17th, 2012 at 4:57 PM ^

My favorite line from th Chesson article is how the author describes Chesson as a worker:

"A workout warrior with a superior work ethic." OK, but does he work hard?


May 17th, 2012 at 4:58 PM ^

It would not be fair to make other teams play in the cold?  Fair?  As Inigo Montoya said, "You keep using that word.  I do not think it means what you think it means."

Are both teams playing on the same field?  Did both teams have the opportunity to earn home field advantage by having a better season and earning a higheer seed?  If the answer to these questions is yes, then STFU and bring parkas for when you are on the bench.

Now if one team started the game with 14 points on the scoreboard, or if one team was prohibited from using the forward pass, then you could talk about unfairness.  Decisions in a multi-billion-dollar organization should not be based on juvenile notions of fairness.


May 17th, 2012 at 5:27 PM ^

For Brandon to claim that it's unfair that Florida, for instance, might have to play in the cold when they get an extra home game every January is ludicrous and dishonest.

I'm noticing a disturbing pattern with that guy.