Unfrozen Caveman Linebacker Recruiting

Submitted by Brian on December 15th, 2011 at 2:51 PM

With apologies to Black Heart Gold Pants. And all of you.

This space has remarked on how deeply uncomfortable linebackers coach Mark Smith appears in all photos before. In this he is the opposite of Tim Hardaway's photogenic appeal.

This here is a Mark Smith keeper from Michigan's latest trip to Colerain:

DSC_1325[1]

Unfrozen Caveman Position Coach is confused and frightened by this camera business

Colerain is LB commit Joe Bolden's school, FWIW. I like to think his recruitment went like this:

DSC_1325[1] Ladies and gentlemen of the Bolden family, I'm just a caveman. I don't know much about this modern world of yours, but I do know how to hunt and eat wild game. As your position coach I will teach you to hunt and eat the king of game: man. Did you know man is the sweetest of all mea—

DSC_1325[1]Well… what Mark's trying to say is that Michigan's unmatched tradition and the superior technique coaching you will receive make Ann Arbor the best place for you. He is not talking about killing and eating your opposition, except—and I want to make this explicitly clear—in a metaphorical sense.
DSC_1325[1] I am 100% sincere about eating the still-beating hearts of opposing running backs.

DSC_1325[1]Well… no, he's not. 

9540208-small[1]I'm in.

DSC_1325[1]brady-hoke-epic-double-point

DSC_1325[1]Together we will suck the marrow from the bones of the Midwest.
DSC_1325[1]METAPHORICALLY FERGODSAKES

[two hours later, just outside of Dayton.]

DSC_1325[1] I told you good cannibal-bad cannibal would work.
DSC_1325[1] This modern contraption frightens and confuses me!
DSC_1325[1]When we get to Wormley's house, I get to be the unfrozen caveman.
DSC_1325[1] The sweetest of all meats. …

All meats.

DSC_1325[1]Well… you're probably right. You've got that bit down. And that says something coming from me.

SCENE

Comments

LB

December 15th, 2011 at 3:01 PM ^

of fast LBs that attack the line with reckless abandon and arrive with a bad attitude and utter disregard for their bodies. The only ones better are those who like to hunt and eat their kill, metaphorically speaking, and before the whistle, of course. I also prefer them dressed in Maize and Blue.

ChasingRabbits

December 15th, 2011 at 3:14 PM ^

I know this will add zero to the discussion, but the amount of amusement I got from this small skit compelled me to comment and give it 2 thumbs up.   Well done, and when I need another laugh, I will read it again.  It has to be good for several or 6 readings.

Blue in Yarmouth

December 15th, 2011 at 3:22 PM ^

and to the poster who talked about the photogenic nature of another position coach I say...do we have any that look good in front of a camera? I guess Brady when he is pointing. Maybe Montgomery and Mallory, but that would be about it. The rest seem to be of the aged and balding variety...NTTAWWT.

bluebelle

December 15th, 2011 at 3:35 PM ^

First the message board posts about 'A Modest Proposal' this morning and now a post with undertones of 'The Most Dangerous Game'... I feel like I'm back in 11th grade English and I LOVE IT.

We Do Not Sow

December 15th, 2011 at 4:17 PM ^

I swear for years any time I brought up the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer skit from SNL i was looked at like I was an alien. Thanks for being That Guy (not the Gruden variety) with me. 

gobluednicks

December 15th, 2011 at 5:02 PM ^

the only thing wrong with the conversation is that Hoke's sentences make too much sense.  he normally starts with one thing, throws in a "and what i mean by that" and ends up on a totally different end and normally the sentence isn't even completed.

Yeoman

December 15th, 2011 at 9:47 PM ^

...I was starting to feel Mark Smith out there in the recruiting process with Joe Bolden, and what I mean by that is he's a football coach. He's unorthodox sometimes but he's a tremendous football coach and an example of him being a football coach is when he knifed in and tackled Joe's desire for raw meat. That's a football coach aggressively displaying his cannibalism and being physical at the point of attack....