Tale of The Tape: States

Submitted by Brian on November 14th, 2005 at 3:36 PM

It, as they say, is go time. Little did I consider why, exactly, I started this blog in early December. Since football is its primary focus, starting on December 4th is nothing short of lunacy, akin to opening a ski shop in May. Now it seems clear: I gave myself time to figure out what the hell I was doing so I can face this week with a running start, having honed my craft for almost a year.

So it begins. Good versus evil. Ohio State will arrive in a week. Will they bring their bomb sniffing dogs with them? Unlikely. Will they bring a swarthy crew of ne'er-do-wells, derelicts, communists, and truck drivers to this fine state? Most assuredly. Prepare yourselves for an influx of foul-smelling community college rejects the likes of which haven't been seen since, well, 2003. Ready the spittoons in public places! Fill the chic botiques with WWE merchandise! Post handy fliers noting that public, incestual rutting is against local ordinances!

Most importantly, if you play football, please win. Win for the children. Why don't you think of the children?

The deal: Ripping off a man last heard voicing a cat on Sabrina The Teenaged Witch? Well, yeah. There will be a "Tale of The Tape" comparing Michigan and Ohio State each day this week. I expect Michigan to win handily, but let's just throw it out there and see if our perceptions match reality. As always, I strive to be scrupulously fair in all my assessements. Let's go to the board and compare the states themselves:

Michigan Ohio
"The one with all the lakes?" Reaction of Snobby Coastal People When Informed You Come From Said State "Are you applying for asylum?"
Advantage: Michigan
Kwame Kilpatrick Embarassing Current or Former Mayor Jerry Springer
Advantage: Push
"If you seek a pleasant penninsula, look around you." State Motto "Probably not Indiana."
Advantage: Michigan
Magnificent fall foliage Notable Local Features Rock And Roll "Hall of Fame"
Advantage: Michigan
Upper Penninsula Spoils From Battle Of Toledo Toledo
Advantage: Michigan
Blow by people going 90 Traffic Cops Ticket Big Wheels for speeding
Advantage: Michigan
Automobiles Linchpin of Local Economy Consumed Souls
Advantage: Michigan
Relentless work ethic, afros. NBA Teams Known For Losing Lebron James to Free Agency... soon.
Advantage: Michigan
Sucking NFL Teams Known For Moving out of the state like any logical person would; sucking.
Advantage: Push
Dominating NHL Teams Known For Stupid Name
Advantage: Michigan

There you have it: Michigan dominates 8-0-2. Could this possibly continue for a whole week? Will you tire of this by Wednesday? There's only one way to find out.

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