Special K For A Day: Diabolical Double-Cross Edition Comment Count

Brian May 22nd, 2012 at 2:03 PM

A couple weeks ago, Ace posted the stuff he'd play if he woke up tomorrow morning looking like Seth Greene in Can't Hardly Wait

…and found out he was the man with the power to play the piped-in music at the stadium. This got me to thinking what I'd play—mostly White Stripes—until I had a thought: what if I could discredit the very idea of piped-in music so badly that they'd burn the speakers after the game? What if I could sit upon my be-goggled perch laughing maniacally with tented fingers as an enraged mob did my secret bidding? Yes. Yes, this is what I must do. I must destroy the institution from the inside.

Ground rule: no working blue. Anything played must be a radio edit, or a hypothetical radio edit of a song that excises naughty words that cause mothers to clap their hands over baby's ears. Otherwise this would just be Peaches songs.

Presenting the diabolical master plan to win hearts and minds by destroying them…

Joanna Newsom, "Monkey and Bear"

Joanna Newsom is a deranged elven harpist who put out an hour-long album with five songs on it. This is one of them. It's also a story of a manipulative monkey that convinces a sweet-hearted bear to flee its home, then exploits her for financial gain until she decides to drown itself. Possibly because she has brain damage. Awkward

Sigur Ros, "Með blóðnasir"

This could be anything in their discography, really. Sigur Ros is an Icelandic band who invented their own language because all the existing ones were insufficient to express their meandering longing for… Icelandic stuff. Especially good for fourth-quarter defensive stands, as there is a strong chance opposing quarterback will lapse into a coma.

Seth says the title means "I have a nosebleed."

Cibo Matto, "Birthday Cake"

Jarring, high-pitched, probably-intentionally-annoying Japanese-expatriate food-punk containing the line "are you made or broken by the birthday cake" and the chorus

SHUT UP AND EAT
TOO BAD NO BON APPETIT
SHUT UP AND EAT
YOU KNOW MY LOVE IS SWEET

Involuntarily listening to this over and over will drive you insane. People would start eating each other, screaming "TOO BAD NO BON APPETIT."'

[IT GETS EVEN WORSE AFTER THE JUMP]

Nelly Furtado ft Timbaland, "Promiscuous"

Many, many sex-related songs fell to the no-working-blue rule and the assumption that "ass" would not be broadcast in the stadium. Shake Ya Ass, Back That Ass Up, Rumpshaker… all fallen. Why I've decided to hew to this rule in a list of songs that would never, ever be played anyway is unknown, but I have.

"Promiscuous" would slip by any and all word-based nanny censors no problem. In this it is rare. Meanwhile, the chorus of this song invites a conversation like this:

ADORABLE CHILD: Daddy, what does "promiscuous" mean?
FATHER: It's third and one. Ask your mother.
ADORABLE CHILD: Mommy, what does "promiscuous" mean?
MOTHER: Uh… it's not good.
ADORABLE CHILD: It sounds fun! Boys AND girls can be promiscuous!
MOTHER: SPECIAL K, YOU BASTARD! /shakes fist at sky, watches third and one, pines for commercial break

Mike and the Mechanics, "The Living Years"

JUST LOOK AT THE STAGE THING HERE AND THIS DUDE'S SQUINT

Possibly the worst song ever written, which recommends it greatly here. Also about your father dying in a very, very, very, very, very obvious way. Since many will be there with their actual fathers, entire stadium ends up torn between loathing for the song, preemptive regret at the lack of connection with the person literally sitting next to them, and maudlin breakdowns the sixteenth time this is played before a third and five.

This Thing From Majora's Mask

It's a Legend of Zelda game. Like listening to the Cibo Matto above, this will drive you insane, especially because its recurrence will make you believe you've just died for the 40th straight time trying to kill this one particular boss.

[Via Laser Romance.]

The Smiths, "Asleep"

This is the grimmest, darkest Smiths song of them all. This is saying something. "There Is A Light That Never Goes Out" is the Nyan Cat theme compared to "Asleep." The guy who posted it on youtube described it as "as beautiful as it is ghastly; a song of assiduous despair, it is the harsh and authentic clamour of the human soul at its most nihilistic," which he no doubt stole from a guy in an ascot but still. Yeah. That's what we're dealing with here.

Perfect for punting. This song is punting your soul.

Gary Jules, "Mad World" (cover)

You may recognize this from Donnie Darko. If there's one thing Michigan football needs it's a creepy one-eyed hell-bunny mascot.

Kate Bush, "This Woman's Work"

Via Orson, a tale of a woman losing her husband. Orson describes it as "This song is like 'haha, how adolescent and overblown and WHY TEARS OH GOD WHY—"

Ghostface Killah, "All That I Got Is You"

Also via Orson. May cause various players and fans from rough backgrounds to weep openly instead of blocking on field goals. DAMN YOU GHOSTFACE KILLAH AND YOUR EFFECT ON SHAWN CRABLE.

Tori Amos, "Me And A Gun"

Slipping just past the radio edit boundary is Tori Amos deciding not to kill herself in pretty much the saddest thing for anyone with testosterone to perceive!

Yes I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you, your friends your father, Mr. Ed

I feel bad for including this. Also for having testicles.

Johnny Cash, "Hurt" (cover)

Guh. This would be bad enough if football didn't accelerate this process considerably. This is getting dark. Like, I was having fun when this post started and now I'm just feeling morbid. A PALE HORSE RIDES FOR US ALL.

The cause is just. We must continue.

Pop Evil, "In The Big House"

[EMBED REMOVED TO PRESERVE THE SANITY OF THE AUTHOR]

Obviously.

Comments

UMgradMSUdad

May 22nd, 2012 at 2:45 PM ^

I would add to the list almost anything by Yoko Ono, and since Icelandic music is already on tap, how could anyone overlook Bjork?  I saw one of her videos linked or discussed in an old Mgolicious thread where she was naked and singing one of her songs.  I'm a normal red-blooded guy, and the sight of almost any adult naked female gets my attention, but I swear, I could not take more than 10 seconds of her screeching before turning it off and wanting to gouge my eyes out and listen to a chain saw to erase the sound still reverberating in my ears.

ScruffyTheJanitor

May 22nd, 2012 at 2:44 PM ^

I don't know if this is true only for me, by I don't think the white Stripes are much above most of the music on this list...  and I like Johnny Cash (though I admit that that song deserves one listen... and then no more).  But seriously, the White Stripes suck. 

Bez

May 22nd, 2012 at 2:46 PM ^

Birthday Cake?!?! 

I'm probably insane, but I have to say, I love that song.  Another whole record that would work for this category:  Royal Trux--Accelerator.

The seats would be cleared within two minutes if you played "Juicy Juicy Juice"

M-Wolverine

May 22nd, 2012 at 3:16 PM ^

...shooting fish in a barrel.

The funny thing is, I could actually see Special K playing a few of these. Tell me Promiscuous wouldn't have be playing two years ago or whatever. And you know, if they showed the video on the big screen, most probably wouldn't even complain. MMmmmm, Nelly....

Johnny Cash has practically become a video game commercial cover band, so it wouldn't shock me to see that thrown in either.  Not that it SHOULD...but any worse than Neil Diamond?

Speaking of video games...that Legends of Zelda one...didn't the band do a halftime show on the big screen with that?

Finally, the real question is - would they play the Tears for Fears version of Mad World? Could be, Rabbit, could be...

bronxblue

May 22nd, 2012 at 3:33 PM ^

Brian, get out of my head!  These are ALL my favorite songs, including whatever the hell that was from Zelda

Honestly, at this point Special K could just play a single riff from Nickelback as heard from inside a submarine and there would be a large number of fans in the stands who would say "that's my sh*t bro!"

It's life with stadium music.  At some point, when we all have implants in our skulls that can be tuned to whatever music we want, then maybe I'll hear the Victors at appropriate times.  But right now, even Mike and the Mechanics seems so far away...

UMFootballCrazy

May 22nd, 2012 at 5:04 PM ^

Awesome song.  Haunting.  Soulful.  Great commercial.  The Tori Amos thing would have had my ears bleading before it was done.  Still, just enough, perhaps one or two other songs that I could actually listen to...if you want to clear the Big House you need but one song, play it over and over and over and people will beg you for the MMB:

 

MBandMarch

May 22nd, 2012 at 4:36 PM ^

Where is Jefferson Starship's "We Built This City" in all of this?  Frankly, given the "experience" machine that is Brandon's Athletic Dept, I cant believe theyre not playing this already......

Needs

May 22nd, 2012 at 4:49 PM ^

I can't wait to see the team massing in the tunnel, the anticipation rising throughout the stadium, the fans rise as one, and as the 125 winged helmets burst forth, Special K hits play on...

 

SFBlue

May 22nd, 2012 at 5:15 PM ^

The temptation to nit-pick a few of these has become too great...

Ghostface, even in power ballad mode, is too catchy to make this list.  Godspeed you!, Black Emperor "Dead Flag Blues"?  Man, that would have been appropriate at various points in the 2008-2010 time period.

MGoStu

May 22nd, 2012 at 5:18 PM ^

I watched the entire "Promiscuous" video. Close as I can get to watching porn at work. I love Cash's version of "Hurt". Didn't make it more than a few seconds into anything else.

GoBlueInNYC

May 22nd, 2012 at 5:39 PM ^

I've loved Cibo Matto ever since I saw the video for "Know your chicken" on that weird college-only music channel they had in the dorms when I lived in West Quad.

Clearly the best bet is to just pump some Sunn O))) into the stadium the entire game. I mean, football games are what, three, three and a half hours? That's like two of their songs.

ST3

May 22nd, 2012 at 6:04 PM ^

The next time Denard breaks free for an 80 yard touchdown dash and does that eating cereal pantomime, I want that shut and eat song to play and I want the students to yell shut up and eat. This has to happen.

a2_electricboogaloo

May 22nd, 2012 at 6:17 PM ^

I would love to see the stadiums reaction to Special K/Brian blasting the Beatles "Revolution 9" for the last 10 minutes of the game.

Fun postgame activity, you could play it in reverse at the end of the game and listen for satanic messages!

ryanfourmayor

May 22nd, 2012 at 8:10 PM ^

I was just in Iceland last week and the language is ridiculous. My wife and I didn't even try to pronouce most street names, menu items, or really any Icelandic word.

Of monsters and Men is a great Icelandic band that sings in english.