Punt/Counterpunt: Ohio State 2016
PUNT
By Bryan MacKenzie
Me, thinking I know things
COUNTERPUNT
By Nick RoUMel
Today’s column is written by our guests from www.twosixtynine.com1. Their motto: “Half right, half the time!” Please welcome Nate Bronze and his shadowy counterpart, “Serrano.” In the meantime, Counterpunt is off looking for his lucky shirt.
BRONZE: We at “269” have barely digested our Thanksgiving feast of roasted crow, and are now back at work crunching numbers, analyzing metrics, and making bold predictions.
SERRANO: Nate, what do the data tell us?
BRONZE: Ohio State – Michigan is a big game. It has an ELO2 rating of nearly 1600. Whoever wins has an 80% chance of making the CFP.3
SERRANO: How do you know it’s not a 90% chance?
BRONZE: Because it’s a MUS4, calculated from CAM.5
SERRANO: What does Michigan need to do to win?
BRONZE: Pray for rain. There’s not much else they can do to slow down Barrett, Samuel, Weber and company. Michigan is also in trouble offensively if O’Korn plays QB.
SERRANO: Not necessarily. Expect Jabrill Peppers to get more snaps behind center, not just in the Wildcat. I believe Coach Harbaugh has been saving a lot of different looks up his sleeve for this contest.
BRONZE: They would have a much better chance if Mike Trout could play quarterback. Gosh, if he had played college football, he would have been the G.O.A.T., president of the student body, and cured cancer in his spare time.
SERRANO: Uh, right. Make the call, Nate. What’s it going to be today?
BRONZE: I have analyzed every game in each player’s college career, adjusting for factors such as strength of schedule; different coaches, teammates, and formations; injuries and even weather. This commonly known SYTYSKBATETLU6 measure tells us that Ohio State has precisely a 50% chance to win.
SERRANO: I see it differently. Using a formula that is MSIN 7 , I put Michigan’s odds for victory at 50%.
COUNTERPUNT: Enough! Don’t one of you have the balls to call this one?
BRONZE: Actually I have 50% testicular capacity...
SERRANO: ... as do I.
COUNTERPUNT: Let me have my column back, please.
BRONZE: That’s fine; I have to go clean my Mike Trout shrine anyway.
COUNTERPUNT: Here’s the call, sports fans. J-Pep takes a punt return to the house to seal the win, and strikes the pose.
DESMOND “MR. HEISMAN” HOWARD: You know Charles Woodson was also planning to strike the pose in 1997, but I paid a few players to mob him before he could do so.
CHARLES “MR. HEISMAN” WOODSON: My punt return against the Buckeyes was still better, Desmond. Plus we won the national championship.
DESMOND: Harrumph. Let our readers decide:
November 26th, 2016 at 10:30 AM ^
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November 26th, 2016 at 10:33 AM ^
November 26th, 2016 at 10:33 AM ^
Heart - UM
Head - No freaking clue
November 26th, 2016 at 10:45 AM ^
November 26th, 2016 at 11:49 AM ^
...it depends entirely on when you woke up. If three hours or more before your first beer, you're fine. If two or less... you're likely a highly functional alcoholic, (like the average union worker at a GM assembly plant). If under one hour, you're as doomed as doom can be.
/s
November 26th, 2016 at 10:54 AM ^
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November 26th, 2016 at 11:02 AM ^
Another brilliant P-CP. You've certainly done your part men!
Nice tribute to Wallace Shawn, an accomplished character actor whose work I've always enjoyed.
CFP definition in the footnotes - Hilarious!
I'm trying to maintain a calm demeanor for the benefit of the younger generation...made pancakes for breakfast.... brought home work from the office to have a distraction if needed...
now what do I do??
November 26th, 2016 at 11:10 AM ^
November 26th, 2016 at 11:13 AM ^
November 26th, 2016 at 11:23 AM ^
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