Celebrating the return of denim. [Patrick Barron]

Punt-Counterpunt: 2022 Iowa Comment Count

Seth October 1st, 2022 at 7:31 AM

Iowa Links: Preview, The Podcast, FFFF Offense (chart), FFFF Defense (chart)

Something's been missing from Michigan gamedays since the free programs ceased being economically viable: scientific gameday predictions that are not at all preordained by the strictures of a column in which one writer takes a positive tack and the other a negative one… something like Punt-Counterpunt.

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PUNT

By Bryan MacKenzie

@Bry_Mac

Not long ago, my wife and I took our kids to a local high football game. It’s a fun, easy, and cheap family outing with enough (literal) bells and whistles to keep elementary school aged children entertained for an hour or two on a Friday night. But while my son was mostly interested in the football and playing with the group of kids between the ages of 6 and 13 who congregated behind the end zone, and my daughter was mostly interested in the cheerleaders, the band, and the concession stands, my wife and I were mesmerized by the students.

We sat down one section over from the student section, and within 10 minutes we both noticed two things. First, high schoolers have not gotten any sneakier with their public drinking than they were when I was a kid (sure kid; the super-suspicious look in 13 different directions followed by the “I HAVE TASTED PURE FIRE” face is definitely going to fool the vice principal). And second, youth fashion has returned to something with which we are both painfully familiar.

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I’m going to tell my kids this was the 2022 Iowa offensive line

See, we are both children of the 90’s. And the 90’s have returned with a vengeance. The cargo pants. The flannel. The Steve-From-Blues-Clues rugby shirts. The low-waisted jeans. The HIGH-waisted jeans. The scrunchies. The chokers. The overalls. The Doc Martens. ALL. OF. IT. We wondered aloud to each other whether it was some sort of 90’s theme night, but we were reassured by a nearby parent that, no, this is the style.

(The one exception was the hair. Kids today are making their own, albeit equally poor, hair choices. There were no frosted tips or crimped hair. There were, however, more man-buns and mullets than I would have expected.)

[After THE JUMP: The 90s are back. Or they didn't end. Whatever, talk to the hand.]

It felt like whatever the opposite of “stolen valor” would be; kids today don’t understand the insane zeitgeist that produced those terrible looks. They just don our denim of shame without really understanding or appreciating it.

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This is going to be running on Big Ten Classics in two years

But I was agog at this purposeful return to this aesthetic Smuta, it also made me wonder whether there were any folks who stayed in their 90’s gear for this entire time, hoping those looks would come back. Because that’s what Iowa has done. And, for some unknown and almost inexplicable reason, they have. And it has.

Iowa hired Kirk Ferentz in 1998. That was an entire generation ago. And since then, Iowa has remained almost entirely unchanged. They still run a state-of-the-art 1998 offense. They’ve been running the same Cover 2 system since Ally McBeal and Home Improvement were still on the air. And somehow, against ALL ODDS and as a direct assault on reason and good taste, Iowa is… back?

I know what you’re thinking: Iowa isn’t good. But since when does that matter? They weren’t good last year, and they won 10 games and a Big Ten West crown. They weren’t good in 2019—we all saw that 10-3 sludgefart loss to Michigan—and that team won 10 games and finished ranked #15.

Let’s put it another way: Iowa’s best rolling three-year win percentage since 1990 was after the 2004 season, when they were sitting at a cool .816 for the ’02-’04 seasons. But you want to know their SECOND-best rolling three year average? That’s right: after last season. From 2019-2021, Iowa accumulated a .743 win percentage. And are they bad right now? OF COURSE they are bad. Their offense is comically inept. But they are 3-1 despite declining to play one entire phase of the game.

You can’t always explain trends. Sometimes trends just happen despite the best efforts and intentions of everyone involved. And there is no stronger evidence of this than the fact that Iowa is 5-1 in their last six home games against Top 5 teams, with their lone loss coming by 2 points on a last-second touchdown. And—I must emphasize: none of those Iowa teams were particularly good. Each of those five Iowa teams lost at least 4 games, and none finished higher than #20 in the polls.

Iowa football has never been pretty, and at this moment, it’s almost unwatchable. At least in the early aughts it was new-ish and ugly. Today we know how many better, or at least more appealing, directions a team can go, which makes the decision to stick with this design basically indefensible (unlike Iowa’s offense, which is extremely defensible). But they keep coming back to this look, and for some reason, it keeps working. Iowa 13, Michigan 12

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COUNTERPUNT

By Internet Raj

@internetraj

There are certain decisions in life that Present You will make that sound positively splendid and rational in the moment but will inflict untold suffering and agony on Future You. Here are my top 10.

10. Eating Easy Mac. Don’t get me wrong. Macaroni and Cheese in most forms is a decadent, delicious meal, whether it’s a $50 lobster mac & cheese at a 5-star steakhouse, a bougie stovetop option like Annie’s or even the classic blue box Kraft Mac & Cheese. But there’s something carnally loathsome about Kraft’s lower budget microwavable option. First, the portion size is laughably meager, needling you into the shame-inducing act of ripping open 3 Easy Macs at once and combining them into one giant, sad and nutritionless bowl. Then there’s the utter and complete dispensing of any illusion that you are “cooking” Mac and Cheese. At least with the boxed version, you fire up the stove, separately strain the pasta and add in milk and butter to the cheese powder. With the Easy Mac, you just rip open the powder packet like a neanderthal and nuke it in the microwave. Oh yes, let’s talk about that cheese powder. It immediately clumps up upon impact with the wet noodles, congealing into pockets of radioactive orange crystals that no amount of mixing will break down. But really, you’re a gluttonous sad sack of a human who is eating three Easy Macs at once in the first place, so who are you kidding? You’re not mixing for more than 45 seconds before the miserable desperation that prompted you to microwave this sad excuse of a meal compels you to shovel the soggy noodles into your mouth, standing hunched over by the microwave, orange clumpy crystals bursting with tiny sodium-packed explosions in your mouth.

9. Deciding to do a “top 10” concept for your column, spending way too much of your word count on number 10 and then immediately getting writer’s block and being unable to think of any more. Dammit I hate when this happens. Maybe a bourbon will get the creative juices flowing… oh wait!

8. 1:50am Jameson shots. I have a general rule that no shots should be consumed after 1 a.m., but there’s always that person in the crew who shouts “Jame-o!” when the bar is getting ready for last call. In the moment, it sounds like a great idea. Your head spinning in a vortex with a half-eaten Crunchwrap Supreme resting on your chest precisely 45 minutes later, though, portends a much grimmer fate. A party in the moment; a funeral in the morning. Avoid at all costs.

7. Taking the 6am flight after a wedding reception with an open bar. I’m a sucker for this one. When cheerfully booking flights 3 months in advance of a wedding, I salivate at the savings from taking an early morning flight. “Oh, I’ll have no issues waking up at 4am to make this flight! And I’ll save $400 in the process!” Unfortunately, what I did not consider was the open bar, me ripping off my tie and tying it around my forehead and busting out dance moves all night that make Roy Williams look like Julia Stiles from Save the Last Dance.

6. Taking the 6am flight after a wedding reception with an open bar on Spirit Airlines. The same as above but you endure the torture of a CIA black site 36,000 feet above ground. Oh and you nuke all of your “savings” when you purchase the $75 glass of water to nurse your hangover and your bag ends up being 7 electrons too heavy.

5. Introducing your toddler to Blippi. It’s all rosy at the beginning with Blippi. Your 2-year-old is pacified and distracted for long periods of time watching what appears to be at least superficially educational content. But then that annoying, screeching infantilizing voice begins to ring throughout your house. You seethe with irrational rage watching Blippi do his stupid rhythmless pop-and-lock dancing. His idiotic orange suspenders and royal blue shirt. His dumb face. I hate this man. And that other man that jarringly substitutes in for him with absolutely zero explanation as to why.

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Blue Box Blippi and Easy Mac Blippi

4. Paying $95 million in a guaranteed contract to a coach that had one fluky season largely buoyed by lucking into a generational talent from the transfer portal. Two wins against your rival will get you giddy but it won’t be long until he’ll take you into the Deep Waters… which is the basement of the Big Ten standings.

3. Taking some time off work to party at a steakhouse named after you and innocently “relaxing” on a stool in plain view of multiple people recording you with their high-definition camera phones. This one’s pretty specific, but it’s almost always regretted.

2. Taking your top-5 team to Kinnick Stadium. The Iowa Hawkeyes are 5-1 in their last 6 games against top-5 teams in Iowa City. Even when they field what appears to be a feeble, harmless squad, the Hawkeyes are notorious for rising to the competition and slaying giants at home. So one would think that Michigan should be feeling nervous heading into today’s game, but that brings us to a particularly salient number 1…

1. Hiring your talentless son who has the imagination of a 90-year-old economics professor to be your offensive coordinator. Sure, this one starts with the warm, fuzzy feeling of keeping success in the family – you know, good old nepotism. But it ends with wasting an elite defense by deploying an anemic offense that is an ocular assault on anyone who actually dares to watch this boring one-dimensional unit play. Yeah, the Hawkeyes won’t be scoring much today, folks.

Michigan 31, Iowa 6

Comments

Midukman

October 1st, 2022 at 7:58 AM ^

Just took a sprit flight from Atlanta to DTW to out run IAN. I flew delta down and totally concur with the sprit analogy. My wife and I’s tickets started at $136 each and ended with a grand total of $461. I put our $75 checked bag on the scale and it weighed exactly 40lbs. Whew. I was fully prepared to chuck my wife’s equally large plastic bag full of outrageously priced Aveda hair care products if needed, but I do enjoy them myself I must say. I hit the centurion lounge and loaded my water bottle and bag full of food like I was looting the place. I will say that they took off 5 minutes early and landed 15 ahead of schedule. It was the only ride I could get to outrun a hurricane and the 1st and last time I’d ever use them. The seats made me feel like I was Forrest Gump setting on a bench with a box of Chocolates. 

The_Doctor

October 1st, 2022 at 11:25 AM ^

Maybe I’m on a Sparty-like run of 2021 luck, but my wife and I fly Spirit routinely - most notably from ATL to DTW for home games - and honestly have never had any issues. Sure you pay for a bag, more to carry it on than to check it, and need to bring in your own water (still $6 in the airport inside security), and while I wouldn’t take it cross-country or over the ocean, for a <2 hrs flight it’s fine.  The total cost I’m paying to head up for Penn State for us both is barely more than one of us would pay on Delta. 

Midukman

October 1st, 2022 at 11:43 AM ^

Spirit is what it is. I fly delta for work at least once a month, so I guess I’m kind of spoiled. We did just take allegiant from Cincinnati to key west which was a direct flight and although “spirit like” was much better. At least the seats went back a little. But for $212 for both round trip to the keys I’d have flew in a livestock cargo plane. I forgot that I did fly spirit years ago before I had a pot to piss in and my wife jogged my memory just now on how the plane was littered with ad signs and a credit card pitch the whole flight. That didn’t happen the other day though. 

thejonner02

October 1st, 2022 at 7:59 AM ^

Brilliant, Raj. On point, Bryan. This game scares me. Badly. I have vivid memories of watching the 2016 game at a bar with some extended family in town. My football-agnostic brother in-law had been bar hopping with my cousins and didn’t show up until the 4th quarter. He was more wasted than I’d ever seen him and because the uniforms bore a passing similarity (both had white), he started drunkenly screaming and cheering for Iowa when they sealed the game. When I politely informed him he was cheering for the wrong team, he was embarrassed and ended up not speaking for the rest of the night and I think also puked in the bathroom. Somehow I feel like that portends bad things for today, but I hope like hell I’m wrong and the curse of Kinnick is vanquished much the same way we got the Camp Randall monkey off our backs last year. 
 

GO BLUE!

victors2000

October 1st, 2022 at 9:19 AM ^

This game scares me too! SO GLAD this isn't a night game; is it possible Iowa feels so confident about their chances that they didn't feel they needed for the night, lol? Iowa's defense is opportunistic and JJ looked 'this close' to giving out gifts to the Maryland defense last week. Iowa's chances to win depend on how JJ does; if he struggles, Iowa has a chance.

Ironically, we need JJ to be Cade-like; just run the offense. Blake is going to be the man to carry - no pun intended - us to victory. Hopefully, Donovan is 100%, he's going to be big as well. The Defense will also be a saving Grace; I anticipate Petras is going to go through Hell today. If we limit the errors, I think we will win by double digits, 27- 3. If we have turnovers, hmmm...

Oh, and thanks for the write-up guys, entertaining as always!

oriental andrew

October 1st, 2022 at 8:06 AM ^

@internet_raj

10 for me would be that late night hankering for a bowl of instant shin ramen. Sounds so good, you boil your water, peel back that lid, and 4 minutes later, that really hits the spot. It hits the spot SO well, you figure that if one was good, two would surely be better. On to number two. Oh no, more positive words have not been spoken. Halfway through that second bowl, you start to regret it, but man - you only have half a bowl left and you're nothing of not hateful of waste. You power through it and instantly regret it, much like the instant nature of your ramen. You used both spicy sodium-filed flavor packs in full and not long after, "number two" takes on a while new meaning.

 

True Blue in CO

October 1st, 2022 at 8:20 AM ^

Interesting way to start the day. A 1990’s flash back and way too many disturbing words and images involving orange.  Creating tension that us Michigan fans will feel all day until the final whistle.  

Blue Vet

October 1st, 2022 at 8:32 AM ^

Bryan & Raj, you think you've got it bad, having to come up with brilliant P / CP week after week? 

What about US? We get to the end,

• laughing (denim of shame; countdown #10),

• awestruck (the 90s are back; countdown #9),

• educated (Smuta ain't smut; Blippi [they came up with shit worse than that purple thing?!]),

• but depleted.

Depleted because how to respond?

— "Great job" feels lame.

— Trying to match the HQ (humor quotient) seems futile ("Bryan & Raj, you think you've got it bad").

— Giving up? 

Hey! I think we've got something here.

Laughing, in awe, semi-smarter, I surrender. (P.S. Great job again.)

DonAZ

October 1st, 2022 at 8:44 AM ^

Last night I attended a bull-riding competition in rural West Virginia.  Here's the rider who won:

He lasted the required 8 seconds.  I think two other riders did as well.  Every other rider got bucked off well short of the 8 seconds.  These were professional riders.  Outlasting a 1500 pound bull is very hard.

Outlasting the talent on this Michigan football team is also very hard.  Iowa won't do it.  They may go the 8 seconds, but football is a sixty-minute game.  No rider last night would have lasted 10 seconds.  Michigan wins this one.  Predicting scores is hard.

Oh, and beyond the expected cowboy attire, and the official West Virginia uniform (Mossy Oak camo hunting shirt, dirty blue jeans, and muddy boots), I spotted a trend among the young people to wear bell bottom jeans.  Bell bottoms!  I'm not talking mere 'flairs,' I'm talking full-on bell bottoms.  Memories of high school from the mid-1970s flashed in my mind.

gobluem

October 1st, 2022 at 9:10 AM ^

Nobody has ever said "I'm sure glad I had that last shot last night" the following morning

Like Churchill said it only takes me 1 drink to get drunk... trouble is, I forget whether it's the 13th or 14th

Wolverine 73

October 1st, 2022 at 9:17 AM ^

Man, I can see this this game as an ugly, low scoring loss (or win, I suppose).  And I can see this game as Michigan pulling away to a solid win.  And I have no real sense of which way it will go.  Hopefully, JJ’s experience in the Big Ten championship game helps him in dealing with this Iowa defense.  One thing I am not concerned about is Iowa pulling away to a solid win, since that requires scoring several points.

Cranky Dave

October 1st, 2022 at 9:57 AM ^

Raj, is it fair to say Blippi is the modern equivalent of Barney? Sadly I still remember some of the words to his theme song:

 

Barney is a dinosaur from ourimagination
and  when he's tall
He's what we call a dinosaur sensation
Barney's friends are big and small
They come from many places

My favorite video with Barney was an SNL skit where he was playing one on one with Charles Barkley. Sir Charles elbowed Barney in the face and knocked him out

Blue@LSU

October 1st, 2022 at 10:04 AM ^

Hiring your talentless son who has the imagination of a 90-year-old economics professor to be your offensive coordinator.

I'd take an almost 90-year-old Daniel Kahneman over Brian Ferentz any day. 

Air-Ron

October 1st, 2022 at 10:08 AM ^

@internetraj - The key to easy mac is to add some butter to it before adding the cheese powder.  The cheese powder distributes into cheesy gooey goodness in the presence of milk protiens and fats.  (Adding some salt to the water before you nuke it helps with the taste too)

 

Go Blue!

bronxblue

October 1st, 2022 at 10:26 AM ^

As good as ever.

Also, teen fashion is always designed to embarrass the wearer 15 years later, so I look forward to seeing these same kids scowling at teens in 2040.

goblu330

October 1st, 2022 at 10:36 AM ^

Full disclosure.  I watched all of Beverly Hills 90210, I think Dylan McKay is one of the best characters of all time, and consider One Wedding and a Funeral to be a television masterpiece.

Michigan 19 Iowa 14.

Mr. Elbel

October 1st, 2022 at 11:22 AM ^

Counter-Counterpunt: Easymac is the best you can do in a dorm without a stove when you have no money. It was either that or microwaving water to boil and then adding a packet of instant potatoes OR one of those take-out style ramen cups. Just feed me the carbs and sodium. I need no other nutrition at 18.

LabattsBleu

October 1st, 2022 at 11:47 AM ^

thanks gentlemen.

Every game at Kinnick feels like Groundhog Day.

You know what is coming, but somehow, the team does everything in its power to ensure it does happen.

like iron filings inextricably drawn to a magnet or being caught in the pull of a black hole...

fait accompli

I am hoping Michigan doesn't completely fall into Iowa's plan to keep things close; you do not want this to be a one score game going into the 4th. Take the crowd out early, don't be afraid to go deep.

should be a good game.