Official mgoblog Pet Peeve List

Submitted by Brian on May 3rd, 2005 at 9:34 PM

Many people on the Internet are very, very dumb. Not you, you read mgoblog. You're the Internet Elite. But other people are, and it makes me alternately amused/saddened/angry, and when you're all three of these things it's time to make fun of some dumb dudes.

The following is a list of my Sporting Internet Pet Peeves. I am taking suggestions for the extension of this list... I wish it to be comprehensive! What are your hated pet peeves? Tell me! I'll skewer!

Stupid, juvenile nicknames
Most relevant to Michigan fans is the infamous "scUM," but this idiocy affects many fan bases. Any "State" school is liable to find a dollar sign replacing the S in their abbreviation. In a rush to damn the NCAA people will completely disregard the fact that "NCAA" doesn't have any S's in it and go ahead and make the same swap anyway. Penn State gets called "State Penn" whenever a player gets drunk and frisky. Morons spell out "University of Spoiled Children" over and over again to display their disdain for USC.

EXAMPLE
"scUM and the University of Spoiled Children are playing in the Ro$e Bowl because the NC$$ needs the money."

DIAGNOSIS
This person is a moron who is under the erroneous impression that he is being funny, like that one uncle who tells the same joke every Thanksgiving for 30 years. This affliction is always, always a sign that you can safely ignore anything the person says, as they are either twelve or have Down's Syndrome.

CURE
Insert bullet travelling at extremely high velocity into skull.

SUSCEPTIBLE FANBASES
Most common with universities best described as "technically not high school" or fanbases in areas where there is no pro alternative. Obviously, then, this is an absolute plague amongst OSU fans, and is rampant at MSU as well.

EXCEPTIONS
"tOSU" is permissible to use in a slightly disdainful fashion since OSU fans tend to use it themselves.

"Stud"
Everyone and everything is a "stud," which always conjures up the most homoerotic images imaginable. NTTAWWT.

EXAMPLE
"I saw Bob Recruit on television the other day. His tight pants revealed a set of rippling muscles that would look fantastic in a Michigan uniform. He repeatedly thrust himself through the opposing line, time and again burying himself in the opponent's backfield. I can say without hesitation that Bob Recruit is a stud."

DIAGNOSIS
This person is attempting to deny his homosexuality by being a huge sports fan.

CURE
A bottle of whiskey and a ticket to San Francisco.

SUSCEPTIBLE FANBASES
All. This generally doesn't happen to the Indianas of the world, though, as they don't have any "studs."

EXCEPTIONS
"Stud" is permissible when talking about nails and/or horses.

U R A CHEETER!!!
Hey, if you can't beat 'em, bitch about how they cheat constantly and the reason they don't get caught is because the NC$$ needs to protect them because said successful school actually makes a lot of money, unlike your loser alma mater that scrapes together enough wins to go to Boise in December once every five years.

EXAMPLE
"Michigan's been paying players for years. How else would you explain all the recruits they get? It's not like they have the largest stadium in the country and a track record of success spanning back to the 60s. How do these recruits even hear about Michigan and their so-called 'winged helmets'? They're on ABC and ESPN... who even gets those? Alaskans? Proof? Remember that one time their basketball program got in trouble? QED."

DIAGNOSIS
This person cannot bring himself to admit that his school is markedly inferior to his opponent's school for legitimate reasons.

CURE
Suggest this person cheer for the Yankees.

SUSCEPTIBLE FANBASES
Junior-college-esque state schools who can't stand the success of big brother. Michigan State, UCLA, Texas A&M, Oklahoma State.

EXCEPTIONS
Basketball teams coached by Billy Donovan, Quinn Snyder, or Jim Harrick and SEC football teams not named "Vanderbilt" can be freely tarred with this brush, because the chances of you being wrong are tiny.

It's a picture of boobies!
Ever open a fifteen-post thread at work and get two different 800x600 pictures of impossibly fake boobs alternating for pages and pages? And then have your boss walk up behind you? Thanks, internet hero, for turning my idle surfing of a sports site into a firing offense! No one needs to see the same set of fake gazongas eighty times accompanied by your three words of deep insight into the team of your choice.

EXAMPLE
Go to Rivals and click on a thread.

DIAGNOSIS
Person is fourteen and has a constant boner. Likely to turn into a guy who says "stud" constantly after being rejected by women for the next ten to eighty years.

CURE
An introduction to life's harsh realities, hopefully beginning with a slap upside the head.

SUSCEPTIBLE FANBASES
Anybody with a site on Rivals.

EXCEPTIONS
Arguments about hot chicks are always welcome as long as denoted in the subject title and the specific purpose of a thread. Also exempt are pictures of Scarlett Johansson.

We Never Wanted That Program Savior Anyway
A classic refrain whenever a big-time prospect selects another school, especially unexpectedly: we never wanted him anyway. He's a head case, a loser, afraid of competition, who wasn't any good anyway, who beats his mother I heard. He isn't man enough to play for Old State U. He lied to the coaches. He looks suspiciously like a witch. Let's kill him!

EXAMPLE
"Chad Henne chose scUM because he is scum! He obviously doesn't have the mental toughness to play for Joe Paterno and has instead chosen to play for a coach who can feed himself. I hope that stud Dan Connor rams into him again and again, that stud. What a stud."

DIAGNOSIS
This person has absolutely no self-esteem, probably because they are completely worthless. Instead of accepting the fact that high school seniors change their minds constantly, this person is deeply hurt by the recruit's rejection of his chosen school. Why? Because rejection is all this guy knows. He hasn't been on a date in three to five years. He's stuck at the same dead-end job. He escapes his miserable life by obsessively following his college football team, and you don't want to be a part of it? Bastard!

CURE
Inform this person that the 5'8" two-star DT they just got is a real sleeper.

SUSCEPTIBLE FANBASES
Most, though this is a Penn State speciality.

EXCEPTIONS
Anyone who goes to Tennessee, as all that stuff about them beating up women is probably true. Also Joe Crawford.

Comments

Clarence Beeks

July 11th, 2009 at 3:11 PM ^

I have one: the damn "captcha" entries that come up nonstop. Would it really be that difficult to implement something that once you got over a certain number of "points" that stopped coming up? Every single post should not have to deal with this.

Wide Open

July 11th, 2009 at 5:19 PM ^

My pet peeves mainly center around some fans'/posters' disrespect toward 18-21 year old amateur athletes.

They are trying their best--For themselves, their teammates and their university. IMHO, booing is a poor reflection on a fanbase at best, and in poor taste at worst. But even if you think you're entitled to boo by virtue of buying a ticket, don't then go online, after a game all of us already suffered through watching, and BRAGGING about booing them, demanding better performance from the team because you deserve better (as if you can make them run laps), or threatening to renounce your fandom if it doesn't improve (as if the rest of us would miss you).

And while I'm at it, I can't stand the holier-than thou attitudes some people have toward signees that haven't qualified academically. Just because they have the same hard time passing a standardized test that many (read: thousands) of their classmates have, doesn't mean they're stupid, and it certainly doesn't mean you're entitled to go on a message board and call them stupid.