Submitted by Brian on February 11th, 2015 at 11:15 AM


I mean:

“The Victors” could soon have a modernistic younger sibling.

If a resolution presented to the Central Student Government on Tuesday night passes, the body will provide funding to a group of students looking to develop an additional thematic song to play at University athletics events.

Central Student Government.

I don't know who you are. If you're looking for jobs I can tell you I don't have any. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired from the internet. Skills that make me a nightmare for people who will be in job interviews with people who have googled you. If you vote this down unanimously, that'll be the end of it. I will not look for your facebook photos. I will not scour your instagram. But if you vote for this, I will find your linkedin. I will find your whole internet. And I will kill your search results.


dude annihilated his twitter page two seconds after I found it

The patient zeroes:

Business sophomore Adam Weiss, a representative on the CSG Assembly, spoke on behalf of the song campaign, which he called “Hail and Unite.” He said his friend, LSA senior Mike Weinberg, conceptualized the project.

“This project is meant to be, number one, extremely unique,” Weiss said. “The goal of this song is to get a lot of big names that are associated with the University.”

"Extremely unique." #expelAdamWeiss


Blue Since B.C.

February 11th, 2015 at 11:26 AM ^

There should be a public flogging of all involved, on the 50 yard-line at half time of the first home game, for even entertaining this idea.

And then flown by jet pack guy straight to East Lansing, where they'll live forever in exile.

name redacted

February 11th, 2015 at 12:08 PM ^

So what subject matter do you feel he should shoot to qualify as a photographer?  Photographers take pics of what they like and enjoy, and what they're good at.  He likes frat parties and his friends.  He's good at taking pics of them.  Yes, lets kill him over that. 

I encourage you to try and duplicate his work, you won't be able to.

Heinous Wagner

February 11th, 2015 at 11:32 AM ^

"Political correctness" is morphing into the new orthodoxy. This is a prime (if Onionesque) example.

Why a new song? Simple:

--"Victors" means somebody has to lose. Can't have that.

--"Conquering" conjures up memories of the Crusades or territorial ambition. Can't have that.

--"Heroes" are people who have achieved a certain height or stature, which is demeaning to those "beneath" them. Can't have that.

--"Leaders" is a term of the modern era, and must be replaced by a term that more accurately refers to a postmodern, non-hierarchical scheme of human relationships.

And by all means, get rid of the term "fight song." 

STW P. Brabbs

February 11th, 2015 at 12:09 PM ^

I think this idea had sweet fuckall to do with political correctness. It had everything to do with some B-school shitheel thinking that putting his own brand on UM athletics would be mad trill.*

*I am over 30 years old, and I have no idea if this is an accurate parody of how said 19-20 yo shitheel might talk.


February 11th, 2015 at 11:57 AM ^

I see it went right to the finance committee after bypassing the Is It A Good Idea? Committee. I predict 10 years from now, we will all still be singing The Victors, this song will be long forgotten and Adam will still be trying to get back into show business one way or the other.


February 11th, 2015 at 11:36 AM ^

"The Victors was the first college fight song of any note ever written..."

"Studwell, the fight-song expert, said The Victors "has no peer in style...""

"Sousa told him in 1905 that The Victors was "one of the nation's finest miltary marches and the best original college song he had ever heard""

Sousa wrote the Stars and Stripes Forevers...which is basically this country's fight song.  A vote for a new fight song is a vote against America!

"UM alumnus Gerald R. Ford, the 38th President of the United States, often had the Naval band play the fight song prior to state events instead of "Hail to the Chief".


February 11th, 2015 at 11:54 AM ^

A number of us in the MMB flew back from the '06 Rose Bowl a day early to play the Victors and Hail to the Chief for Ford when his casket was unloaded in Grand Rapids in preparation for his funeral, as was requested in his will. Now THAT was a unique experience!

name redacted

February 11th, 2015 at 11:37 AM ^

“The goal of this song is to get a lot of big names that are associated with the University.”

this is how he is selling it?!  this is his big presentation idea?!  this will go horribly wrong, guaranteed.  Whatever it is will be dated and stupid in just a few years, as these "big names" will fade from relevancy.  How many big names stay relevent for a decade even.  maybe 2 or 3??   ugh.  just ugh.

Can you imagine if the goal of Louis Elbel was to get a list of bit names associated with the University in 1898 for The Victors?  Disaster.

I am sure this Weiss kid is a good kid and all, but he is in way over his head.   


February 11th, 2015 at 12:25 PM ^

This reminds me of when Ali G was pitching his idea to get a TV network to produce and air a hardcore porno starring J-Lo (because you never actually see "dongs going in" on TV).  When asked how he will convince J-Lo to star in this picture, he suggests offering her $1 million.  When asked where he will get the $1 million, he says, "That's where you lot come in."


February 11th, 2015 at 11:37 AM ^

Yeah, just keep playing Seven Nation Army on repeat instead.

Seems like the daily missed the point of what this song would be for. I mean, I get the whole "no piped in music anywhere at all ever" thing, but if it's going to happen, having something that isn't jock jams and isn't In the Big House isn't the worst idea ever.


February 11th, 2015 at 11:38 AM ^

Here's unique:


Michigan's famous fight song, The Victors, was written in November of 1898. Louis Elbel, a music student at the University, wrote the words and the music in celebration of a last minute 12-11 Michigan victory over rival Chicago, giving U-M its first Western Conference football championship. The Victors was first played in public by John Philip Sousa's band in May of 1899 in Ann Arbor. Sousa later called it the "best college march ever written."