Independence Denard: The Integration and Infiltration

Submitted by Brian on September 8th, 2010 at 12:03 PM

PREVIOUSLY IN OUR STORY: Many ridiculous things happened! Desmond Howard's lower body was cloned by a nefarious organization bent on Michigan world domination. It was subsequently abducted by J Leman. Seven years later, Leman captured Tom Brady and brought him before Bob Zook and a duck, whereupon James Earl Jones and Lawrence Kasdan convinced Leman his actions were un-American, whereupon he freed Tom Brady, whereupon Tom Brady impressively KICKED the duck into a cloning machine, whereupon Bob Zook released Adrian Clayborn to devastatingly SACK Tom Brady into the same cloning machine, whereupon said cloning machine said a lot of ominous stuff and did this:

explosion

As the smoke clears, three separate pockets of life stir…

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

jleman_thumb6 Urrrrr.

duck_thumb4

jleman_thumb6 What the…?

duck_thumb6 Quack.

jleman_thumb6 Oh my God! Poor thing. I have to get you out of here.

duck_thumb6 Qua—. On second and long Michigan will run a draw or throw a screen. Third and long pass. Punt. Waggle comes after approximately 3.5 successful runs on drive; give or take x, where x is a complicated polynomial expression elided. Quack. Jim Herrmann's favorite defense in a late-game situation is called "Charmin." Yost. Quack. Quack.

explosion_thumb7

jleman_thumb6 We have to go!

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

tombrady2_thumb9 Urrrr.

 image

tombrady2_thumb9 What the…?

brady-howard HELLO ITS VERY NICE TO MEET YOU IM FEELING VERY MOBILE AT THE MOMENT YES YES LETS DO SOMETHING DO YOU LIKE CHESS I CAN PLAY CHESS IN TWO SECONDS FLAT

adrian-clayborn_thumb[8] There they are!

tombrady2_thumb9 No!

brady-howard [Impressive KICK!]

adrian-clayborn_thumb[8][4] Noooooooo!

brady-howard CHECKMATE.

tombrady2_thumb9 How did you do that?

explosion_thumb9

brady-howard LETS GO SOMEWHERE FAST

INT. RUINED URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

bobzook_thumb6 Urrrr.

  image

bobzook_thumb6 What the…?

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 What happened?

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 I see.

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

bobzook_thumb6 Have I told you about my brother Ron? Greatest football coach in the universe, really.

explosion_thumb11

duck_thumb5 AFLAC!

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

duck_thumb6 Quack. 107,501. Quack. Most all time victories. Quack. The rush linebacker position is basically a defensive end.

jleman_thumb6 Boy, you know a lot about Michigan.

duck_thumb6 Quack. Require sustenance.

jleman_thumb6 All I've got is this orange juice. Very American drink, orange juice.

duck_thumb6 Juice. Desire Juice. Juice. Juice.

jleman_thumb6 Here. Now what are we going to call you?

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

tombrady2_thumb9 So… now what?

brady-howard NOW EVERYTHING WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE [Starts running to and fro, disappears too quickly to believe. A trail of smoke stretches to the horizon.]

tombrady2_thumb9 Great.

[An ENORMOUS BUS FULL OF SCANTILY CLAD MODELS pulls up.]

Gisele-Bundchen-boobiesNeed a ride?

EXT. SUSPICIOUSLY SMOKING FIELD OUTSIDE OF URBANA. 1999.

bobzook_thumb6 I guess I need a new nefarious plot. I always think better with a little help.

joint [expands Bob Zook's mind, reminds everyone not to try this at home unless you want to think that facial hair is a good idea.]

brady-duck Quack.

bobzook_thumb6 Okay, here.

joint [when inhaled by half-human, half-duck hybrid becomes a permanent feature of the creature's personality]

brady-duck Quaaaaack. Munch. Munch.

bobzook_thumb6 HA HA DUCK MUNCHIES THAT IS SO FUNNY

tombrady2_thumb9Gisele-Bundchen-boobies Yoink!

bobzook_thumb6 Aww, now what am I going to watch eat?

INT. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS MEETING ROOM. FEBRUARY 2002.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

billbelichick_thumb6  Goddammit, where's Brady? Get him in here again.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

tombrady2_thumb9 He says the Rams' two-minute defense has obvious weaknesses against four verticals.

billbelichick_thumb6 You got all that from "quack"?

tombrady2_thumb9 Definitely. I'm telling you, he gives us a decided schematic advantage.

billbelichick_thumb6 To me he just seems like a hideously malformed being with an enormous waist that says "quack" all the time.

tombrady2_thumb9He's a super genius. Srsly.

billbelichick_thumb6 Well, all right. Maybe that tip will come in handy tomorrow. I've got to go meet with the defense.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

tombrady2_thumb9 Have I ever told you you're head coach material?

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Brady. Come in, Brady.

tombrady2_thumb9 Brady here.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Report on The Project.

tombrady2_thumb9 After I win the Super Bowl tomorrow I calculate a 97% chance the abomination ascends to the head coaching job at Notre Dame.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6montgomeryburns_thumb 

EXT. DEERFIELD BEACH HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELD, 2007

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

footballcoach_thumb14 Oh my God. This kid is going to run for a billion yards.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP

footballcoach_thumb14 Oh my God. This kid is going to throw for a billion yards.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 I JUST PLAYED SIXTEEN GAMES OF CHESS AND SMILED WITH THE WATTAGE OF A THOUSAND SUNS

footballcoach_thumb14  Oh my Go—hackachakahcakakach. [/expires]

darth-vader-face_thumb[9] No one must know about our secret installation. Now I just have to figure out how to get this kid to complete 45% of his passes and run for under 600 yards.

tombrady2_thumb9 Let me take care of that.

charlieweis_thumb13 Quack.

EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS.  2008

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4 Oh God. Oh God. Oh God. He's coming. He's like a 500-foot-tall robot or something.

juicewilliams_thumb11 Quack. Also, given the Coriolis effect at these exact GPS coordinates I calculate that if I touch you exactly two point three centimeters above your right clavicle…

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4explosion_thumb12

INT. NEWSTERBAAN FIELD HOUSE. AUGUST 2009.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 As you can see, the long-awaited results of our cloning projected have paid off even better than we expected. This year you go to a bowl or we block out the sun above Ann Arbor.

rich-rodriguez You don't think that's a little drastic?

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 No. This is Michigan.

 denarddeerfield_thumb5 QUAAAAAAACK

rich-rodriguezrich-rodriguez-what

Charles_Montgomery_Burns_thumb6 Goddammit, get Brady in here again. This is going to take more time than I thought.

EXT. MEMORIAL STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS ILLINOIS. 2009

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4 No! Not again!

juicewilliams_thumb11 All too easy.

mikewilliamsprofile_thumb4explosion_thumb12

EXT. EVERY OTHER ILLINOIS GAME, 2006-2009

ron_zook_thumb8 DO SOMETHING!

juicewilliams_thumb11 Quack.

ron_zook_thumb8 DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN THAT!

juicewilliams_thumb11explosion_thumb12

EXT. DIRT PRACTICE FIELD. SUMMER 2010.


EXT. MICHIGAN STADIUM, MICHIGAN VS UCONN, 2010.

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

randy-edsall2 Not in the face!

denarddeerfield_thumb5 ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP ZIP

randy-edsall2 Not in the face!

denarddeerfield_thumb5 VRRRREEEEEEESHOWWWWWWWWWWWWW

randy-edsall2 Randy-Edsall

randy-edsall2 Not there either.

rich-rodriguezrich-rodriguez-thumbsup

TO BE CONTINUED… BY EVENTS IN THE REAL WORLD! THIS TOTALLY HAPPENED!

Comments

markusr2007

September 8th, 2010 at 12:21 PM ^

...making quarterbacks out of genetic material...MCGRUBER!...

...Can't believe its Brady with feet like a du-uck!...MCGRUBER!...

...He got an F on Galton Theory....MCGRUBER!!!....

"He's In Love With Denard Now!....MCGRUBER!!!!!"

!!*KABOOOOM*!!!

BallZDeeP210

September 8th, 2010 at 12:31 PM ^

Good stuff and I'm glad that we can finally start laughing again. Also, since I am an AFLAC Agent It's nice to see a little marketing on display at my favorite website.  Keep up the good work Brian. Looking forward to the UFR!!

Blazefire

September 8th, 2010 at 12:40 PM ^

My brain!

I got it all... I think.

Edit: A breakdown for everyone, and to see if it all makes the sense I think it does.

Denard Robinson is Tom Brady's torso on Desmon Howard's Legs.

Juice Williams is an evil duck on Desmond Howard's Legs.

Charlie Weis is fat Tom Brady's torso on an evil duck's legs.

icactus

September 8th, 2010 at 1:00 PM ^

"15 seconds MacUFRer!"

"Ok ok, just let me do one more scene change here..."

"5 seconds MacUFRer!"

"wait, what if we then take the legs from Brady and fuse them with..."

 

justthinking

September 8th, 2010 at 1:30 PM ^

......but that'sbecause he just FINISHED THE OFFENSIVE UFR!!!!!

Wait for it people......and you will soon understand what OFF THE CHARTS NUMBERS will do to someone who was teetering on the ledge on Friday.

We're so baaaaaaack!

ross03

September 8th, 2010 at 1:56 PM ^

Not to get all geeky...but I'm confused why you have a picture of Ghost Anakin and call him Lawrence Kasdan?

Ghost Anakin was played by Sebastian Shaw (before being removed in the DVD re-release and replaced by Hayden Christensen by ever fiddling George Lucas).  http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0789970/

Lawrence Kasdan is the screenplay writer for Empire and Jedi and maybe some others.  http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001410/

 

If the mis-match is intentional then it flew over my head.

 

cheers

Wolvesq

September 8th, 2010 at 2:19 PM ^

It looks to me like Kasdan is matched to his own photo, not Shaw's.  Plus his inclusion in the conspiracy for Michigan's world domination makes sense, since, like JEJ, Kasdan (1) attended Michigan and (2) made significant contributions to the good Star Wars movies. 

ross03

September 8th, 2010 at 2:37 PM ^

Thanks for pointing it out and +1 for you.  I didn't realize the M connection for Kasdan but that explains why he refers to James Earl Jones rather than Vader.  I was obviously wrongly thinking that the ghost picture was Kasdan in the reference as oppossed to still being James Earl Jones.

I'm always learning something new from Brian's multi-level references and amazing grasp of pop-culture and Michigan. 

Seth

September 8th, 2010 at 2:03 PM ^

For those of you who had trouble understanding this series:

Quick notes:

  • It's humor
  • In 2008, Brian did one of these that was the spoonful of sugar to make that awful season go down.
  • J Leman was an Illinois linebacker who could tackle, making him a hero to UI, whose class photo with a huge mullet and U.S.A. tie endeared him for life to bloggers world- (i.e. Big Ten)-wide.
  • Mr. Burns and Darth Vader are clandestine evil chairmen.
  • Sometimes just writing words in English doesn't quite convey the feeling of something. This is when art kicks in. You are meant to wonder at the potential awesomeness of a Tom Brady with Desmond Howard legs, and then wonder at the fact that this perfectly describe's Denard's start vs. UConn.

On with the show:

Part I: The Dark Before the Dawn

  • A band of secret, powerful men meet in 1992 to discuss a nefarious plot to make Michigan good for all-time by cloning Desmond Howard.
  • This plan has a setback: they can only clone Desmond's legs. The scientist is ordered to dispose of the legs.
  • This secret group is also planning to position Bob Davie as Notre Dame's head coach, since part of their plot is to destroy ND football.
  • Before the legs can be destroyed, J Leman busts in and steals them.
  • We follow Leman back to Illinois, which is run by a talking duck, and where Ron Zook's evil twin is involved in a  sub-plot to destroy Michigan because they think we are their rivals (running joke: they believe they are our rivals).
  • The "evil twin" trope is from an Original Start Trek episode where Spock's evil twin was distinguished by having a mustache and goatee.
  • Illinois has kidnapped Tom Brady, who can't figure out, having been told only that his tormentors are Michigan's arch-rivals, exactly who has kidnapped him (Ohio State? Notre Dame? MSU? Minnesota?)
  • J Leman is visited by Jedi apparations who convince him what he is doing is un-American. Leman turns on Illinois
  • In the ensuing violence, Tom Brady, the legs of Desmond Howard, and the duck are thrown into a cloning machine, which explodes....end of Part I

Part II: The Integration and Infiltration\

  • J Leman awakes. He sees a duck atop the legs of Desmon Howard. The duck/Desmond knows everything about Michigan and how to torment Michigan, but is otherwise useless.
  • Tom Brady awakes. He finds an incredibly bright, incredibly fast half-Brady/half-Desmond Howard. This being shows it is capable, unlike Brady, of defeating really good defensive ends like Adrian Clayborn.
  • Bob Zook wakes and finds a half-Brady/Half-Duck that can only quack. Also, the Illinois duck can now only say "AFLAC." Since the duck can no longer make decisions, Zook uses this to get his brother Ron installed as the next Illini head coach.
  • Outside, Leman discovers the Duck/Desmond thing knows a ton about beating Michigan but nothing else. He names it "Juice Williams."
  • Brady and the Brady/Desmond thing emerge from underground and are rescued by hot models and Gisele Bundchen.
  • Bob Zook gets the Bradyduck stoned, and ever-after the quacking Brady/Duck needs to eat incessently. Tom Brady and Gisele Bundchen arrive and steal the Brady/Duck away.
  • 3 years later, Tom Brady has made the Duck/Brady with munchies abomination into Charlie Weiss, and convinced Bill Bellicheck that Weiss is a great offensive coordinator -- this is all a plot to install Weiss as Notre Dame's head coach.
  • 4 years later, the Brady/Desmond super-smart super-happy super-awesome abomination is Denard Robinson and playing for a Florida high school. In order to hide its abilities until they are needed, Weiss is used to ruin Denard's stats.
  • Meanwhile, but 2008 the Duck/Desmond abomination, Juice Williams, is using its incomparable knowledge of Michigan football to make Mike Williams totally incapacitated and destroy Michigan.
  • By pre-season 2009 Denard is on campus at Michigan and expectations for RR are high, but they discover that Denard (either through having some genetic duck in him, or because he was subjected to Weiss) is a year away from being useful.
  • In 2009, Juice Williams destroys Mike Williams and the Michigan defense again, but in every other game he is exactly as competent as you would expect a duck with Desmond Howard's legs would be.
  • Denard Robinson gets a "montage" so as to get good at football. As soon as he has done this, he is awesome and demolishes Connecticut. Rich Rodriguez smiles: Notre Dame's program has been demolished, J Leman has been turned to good, and we have Tom Brady with the legs of Desmond Howard at quarterback.
  • This is good.