Independence Denard: The Dark Before The Dawn

Submitted by Brian on September 7th, 2010 at 11:49 AM

Obviously two things:

  1. Depending on whether or not BHGP likes it, this is either an homage to or straight ripoff of their posts in this vein, down to J Leman's presence. I have tried to make this up to them in the content. Also, the J Leman picture was first brought to the world in those Big Ten team previews I used to do.
  2. I can't confirm that this is true, if you know what I mean.

INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—MEETING ROOM. 1992

A conference table is surrounded by hooded figures. One throws back the hood, revealing himself to be STEPHEN ROSS, super rich guy. Also seated are JAMES EARL JONES, sith lord, and DOOMED J. SCIENTIST, a scientist.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns I hereby bring this meeting of the Evil Michigan World Domination Illuminati to order. First order of business: the Desmond Howard cloning situation.

BrentSpiner_IndDay There have been some… issues. We have successfully dealt with the flippers, but it came at a cost.

darth-vader-face You have failed me for the last time, Doomed Scientist.

BrentSpiner_IndDay haacckckackaackak

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Always with the force choke, James. Can we get past the bit where you tell him his lack of faith is… disturbing and get on with it.

darth-vader-face I still don't see why we can't build a football stadium in the wave field and get Tom Harmon back.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Yes, always with the force choke and the building it and the coming. Moving on. Doomed scientist?

BrentSpiner_IndDay We have now perfectly replicated Desmond Howard's lower body. There are some problems with the torso. As you can see on my powerpoint--

darth-vader-face You have failed me—

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Yes, for the last time. Spit it out, Doomed Scientist.

BrentSpiner_IndDay The main problem with the torso is that there isn't one. It just kind of… stops.

desmond-howard_the-pose

darth-vader-face I find its lack of torso—

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Yes, yes, disturbing. For the record, I do too. You have created a mindless abomination that can accelerate to full speed in half a second, stop on a dime, and juke like there's no tomorrow. Shoot it in he head.

BrentSpiner_IndDay It doesn't have a head.

Charles_Montgomery_Burns Then have Jones mystically force choke it to death. Next order of business: the destruction of Notre Dame football.

darth-vader-face I am positioning Texas A&M defensive coordinator Bob Davie to be the droid Lou Holtz is looking for.

Charles_Montgomery_Burnsmontgomery-burns

INT. CLANDESTINE NORTH CAMPUS GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1992.

BrentSpiner_IndDay I'm sorry. I'm sorry it has to end like this.

desmond-howard_the-pose  …

BrentSpiner_IndDay You're just a torso! Don't look at me like that.

desmond-howard_the-pose

BrentSpiner_IndDay I can't do this. We must escape!

jleman

 jleman Come with me.

BrentSpiner_IndDay J Leman?

jleman It is I.

BrentSpiner_IndDay Aren't you seven?

jleman What's your point?

BrentSpiner_IndDay Nothing. Let's go.

security_guard Halt!

pistol_m9_500  BLAM BLAM BLAM

BrentSpiner_IndDay Noooooooooo… [/expires]

jleman [Ninja CHOP!]

security_guard Noooooooo…

jleman Let's go, Desmond Howard lower body. I have plans for you.

desmond-howard_the-pose

INT. CLANDESTINE URBANA GENETICS LAB—SUB-BASEMENT B1. 1999.

Another meeting room. BOB ZOOK, Ron Zook's evil but lazy twin, and a DUCK discuss dark matters.

bob-zook Mwahahaha! Seven years of mustache twirling and pot smoking are about to pay off tonight!

duck  You had better hope this plot works better than your last dozen, Zook. My patience runs thin. My pit of ravenous piranhas grows hungry. We must repay our arch-rivals for the generations who have endured nothing but humiliation!

bob-zook Oh, it will. Hark: here comes the strike team now.

jleman I have done as you asked, distasteful as it is.

tom-brady-2 mrphpmph.

bob-zook What's he's saying?

duck No doubt something like "you'll never get away with this, Hyper-Intelligent Duck That Secretly Runs Illinois." But I will. Mwa. Mwa haahahahaahaa!

bob-zook  Mwahahahahahaha!

lightning BOOM.

tom-brady-2 mrprhphphp.

duck Oh, let's listen. I love it when doomed heroes blather on.

bob-zook [removes gag]

tom-brady-2 You'll never get away with this, Cooper!

duck I said arch-rivals!

tom-brady-2 And by this you mean…

duck You know, your most hated rival!

tom-brady-2 Ohio State.

duck No! Other than Ohio State!

tom-brady-2 All right, then. You'll never get away with this, Davie!

duck No, your really really most hated serious very serious rival. Who you share a debilitating mutual hatred of! Not Notre Dame!

tom-brady-2 You'll never get away with this, Saban?

duck Aaaaaaaargh!

tom-brady-2 Alvarez? No… wait, I've got it. Mason!  You'll take the Little Brown Jug from my cold, dead hands!

duck No! How many times do I have…

[Tom Brady tries to remember all of the teams in the Big Ten. Meanwhile, GHOSTLY APPARITIONS of James Earl Jones and LAWRENCE KASDAN materialize nearby…]

anakin  J. I am your father.

jleman Noooooooooooooo! You're not my father!

anakin Search your heart. You know it to be true.

jleman Oh. My. God.

lawrence-kasdan I told you it would work.

anakin Free Tom Brady. This is un-American. Victories are born on the field, not in genetics labs.

jleman You speak truth. [Ninja CHOP!]

tom-brady-2 …I'm sorry, I'll get it in a second. You'll never get away with this, whoever Northwestern's coach is!

duck If I didn't need you for my diabolical plots I would impale you on my bill.

tom-brady-2 Also I appear to be free. [Impressive KICK!]

duck [flies towards complicated, ominous looking technological thing with glass tubing containing a familiar set of disembodied legs]

bob-zook No! Release the defensive ends!

adrian-clayborn I am free.

tom-brady-2 My one weakness! Lo, I am stripped of my merry band of protectors! Wait, aren't you 11?

adrian-clayborn The least realistic part of this is not my age but the idea Bob Zook and a duck could capture me. Allow me to take my rage out on you. [Devastating SACK!]

tom-brady-2 [flies towards same ominous technological thing]

duck [Thunderous CRASH!]

tom-brady-2 [Similarly thunderous CRASH!]

cloning_01 BZZZTERERFFFFFZZZZEDDDD CLONE SEQUENCE ERROR. MULTIPLE ORGANISMS. CROSS PRODUCT. CROSS PRODUCT. CROSS PRODUCT. MULTIDIMENSIONAL ARRAY. EIGENVECTOR. COMBINATION IN PROGRESS. OVERLOAD. OVERLOAD.

explosion

WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO DESMOND HOWARD'S DISEMBODIED LEGS? WILL BOB ZOOK FACE HIS COMEUPPANCE? WILL TOM BRADY'S BEAUTIFUL FACE BE MANGLED? WILL BLACK HEART GOLD PANTS ORGANIZE A DENIAL OF SERVICE ATTACK ON MGOBLOG? STAY TUNED FOR PART 2: THE INTEGRATION AND INFILTRATION. TOMORROW!

Comments

GoBlueInNYC

September 7th, 2010 at 11:57 AM ^

I'm on the edge of my seat!

That was hilarious.  Also, I couldn't not read the all cap text at the bottom in the announcer voice the Colbert Report uses for the Tek Jansen segments.  (Do they still do those?)

BlockM

September 7th, 2010 at 12:00 PM ^

I'm gonna go out on a ledge and guess that Desmond's legs and Brady's arms are fused, but the creation gets stuck in a tanning bed until its melanin counts are pushed through the roof, while leaving a perfect smile intact.

briangoblue

September 7th, 2010 at 12:02 PM ^

I remember at the end of the Orange Bowl in the '99 highlight video, an out of breath (from, you know, dominating) David Terrell proclaimed that "Tom Brady has the heart of a lion!" I can only hope that Denard gained his superpowers- lionheart pride, iced veins, and the hypnotic leadership ray.

Wolverine318

September 7th, 2010 at 12:07 PM ^

When is the next episode!!!!!! I need to know what happens next!!!

Although I forsee a great disturbance in the force on saturday. It is almost as 80k voices cried out at once and was immediately silenced.

Oops Pow Surprise

September 7th, 2010 at 12:22 PM ^

You weren't to reveal the dark doings until Nebraska was actually in our divisional clutches! All we have from them is a damned RSVP! This is a piece of paper! This is worthless!

I'm calling John Cooper this instant and telling him Plan C must be revised. Foolish, impatient Michigan!

M-Wolverine

September 7th, 2010 at 12:34 PM ^

I didn't expect you to be this drunk during the week....

Besides, how do you tell evil Zook from regular Zook? Lazy? I don't think so. Must just be the goatee.

And I'm sure everyone heard Gilbert Gottfried when the duck was talking...

And it's obviously fiction. No one could capture Tom Brady.

Six Zero

September 7th, 2010 at 12:47 PM ^

Brian is taking a creative writing class, and had nothing on the day of this assignment and was forced to get silly creative rather than take the zero.  Been there.

Seth

September 7th, 2010 at 12:46 PM ^

This is all some ridiculously long lead-up to some scenario where you get to be the Emperor and twiddle your fingers in front of the 1st quarter of the UConn Denardening while saying "everything that has transpired has done so according to my design," isn't it?

I'm onto you, Cook!

Just get the quotes right this time, kay?

[email protected]

September 7th, 2010 at 3:21 PM ^

 . . . it's kind of like when you listen to the Jim Rome show for the first time; the in-joke density is so high you don't even understand what's being discussed, let alone find it funny.  I'll chalk it up to it being a me problem.

 

Peace

Ty

MCalibur

September 7th, 2010 at 4:40 PM ^

This made perfect sense to me. I know exactly where you're coming from. In fact I was just there myself on Friday evening.

Let the Hyde out, B. Let him out. Let him squint at the brightness of the sun. Let him stretch his back after being confined for so long. Let him bronze his flesh in the suculent warmth. Do not fear him, he is our strength. Let him out.

[Mwa. Mwahaha. Mwahahahahahahahahaha....]

MCalibur absconds with a crazed look in his eye.