I Only Post About Coaches Who Coach For Michigan Comment Count

Brian December 14th, 2011 at 12:37 PM

henri-the-otter-of-ennu

EARTH
THIRD PLANET
NONDESCRIPT SOLAR SYSTEM IN MILKY WAY
48009

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE PEOPLE OF EARTH

Citizens of the planet, I come before you today to make an announcement. That announcement is: I do not give a microdamn about the things 1) Rich Rodriguez or 2) Michigan alumni such as Desmond Howard have to say about Michigan and Rich Rodriguez, respectively.

My interest levels are declining into femtodamn levels. On message boards I now flip past entire threads in which the same tired debates are brought forth with the speed and determination I ignore threads about politics on the internet. Let that sink in. Yeah. That's right. I have as much interest in this topic as I do Herman Cain.

So I don't want to dedicate yet more time to a guy who was fired a year ago except to talk about the things that made his offense very effective and his defense very ineffective. Those things affect Michigan's fortunes on the field and are interesting examples of the ever-evolving college football metagame. Also interesting, if slightly depressing, is the pickle Rodriguez's last couple recruiting classes have left Michigan in, especially on both lines.

Talking about other aspects of Rich Rodriguez's tenure makes me want to claw at my face. But I will do this for you, like I will eat a lemon if Yuri Wright picks Colorado over Michigan. So here is a handy chart for you to follow.

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EVENT: Rich Rodriguez has said something.

1. Is it about Michigan? If yes, go to 2. If no, go to 3.

2. Is it really about Michigan or is it a paranoid delusion? If paranoid delusion, go to 3. If still about Michigan, go to 4.

3. Don't care.

4. Still don't care. However, this incident is further evidence that Rodriguez is deservedly bitter about his three year tenure at Michigan and impolitic about discussing it.

Yes, it is further evidence that Rodriguez's maturity level and ability to play "the game" are low. Yes, it reminds me how nice it is to have a guy like Brady Hoke, who says all the correct things in all the generic ways possible. Yes—

What? Where am I? Why am I upside down in some sort of river valley? Why is there a bridge above/below me?

Hmmm.

I was probably bungee jumping at the time in an effort to prevent the inevitable—this is the level of my dedication to you, reader—but this topic was still massively boring enough to result in nappy times. I apologize. I'm so, so happy to be talking about this, no, serious—

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EVENT: A program alum or Lloyd Carr has said something.

1. Is it about Rich Rodriguez? If yes, go to 2. If no, go to 3.

2. Is it really about Rich Rodriguez or is it more of a rapturous thing about Brady Hoke that sets the lack of support given during the Rodriguez tenure in stark relief? If rapturous thing, go to 3. If actually about Rodriguez, go to 4.

3. Yes, that is annoying but let's just suck it up because it's in the best interests of the program.

4. Yes, it is extremely disappointing that certain program alumni appear to be jerks. What can you do, though?

To take one example, when you're so dim and callous as to deride Rodriguez as "Cherry Coke"—probably meant "New Coke"—in front of 60-70 players who were recruited by Rodriguez, are the living embodiment of that change, and went 10-2 and reached the Sugar Bowl, well… that's hopeless. Anyone who would trash-talk Denard, even indirectly, is never going to Get It.

It's further evidence that several recent program alums' maturity levels are low. It reminds me of how nice it was to have Bo around. There's nothing to do about it but wait. Eventually the Rodriguez recruits will be out of the program and the Rodriguez years far enough in the—

Right, this again. Upside down in a river valley.

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If I can remain conscious long enough to respond to these things in the future, all future events will be filed "3" or "4". This, people of Earth, is my sacrifice for your well-being. Let it not be in vain. File these things 3 or 4 and live your lives without Rodriguez-Michigan-induced narcolepsy. You, too, can live—

Sincerely,
An upside-down Brian Cook who would greatly appreciate being reeled in now

PS. Many of you have passed out in front of your computers and are in danger of entering an infinite loop wherein you wake up, forget what you were reading, begin reading again, and fall asleep. In an effort to prevent the thousands of deaths that may result, here is an animated GIF of some levitating cats.

attention-people-of-earth-we-will-expurrminate-you[1]

Hopefully this will catch the newly-awakened reader's eye sufficiently to prevent them from entering a fatal boredom loop.

Comments

CRex

December 14th, 2011 at 1:00 PM ^

I believe you mean the War of Northern Victory.  

Oh wait, I just proved your point didn't I?

All that said we need some exception to the RR rule regarding the Graham/ASU and RR/UA thing.  Graham was loaded up with RR assistants who went home to RR at UA.  Graham then goes to their arch rival.  That's something we'd comment on even if RR had never coached a down at Michigan.  That's just crazy college football coaching moves at their finest.

profitgoblue

December 14th, 2011 at 3:48 PM ^

Lets not get personal.  This Yankee remembers his roots but he also enjoys the warm waters of the Atlantic and sandy beaches along the coast of South Carolina.  Talk like that is not going to win me over any friends in a state that proudly flies the Dixie flag.  I've got to be able to visit the Piggly Wiggly and stock up for summer vacation without getting shot at by one of the many SC residents that have gun racks in their trucks!

 

mbrummer

December 14th, 2011 at 5:14 PM ^

saying the war was stupid.  For the record I currenly live in the South, Houston specifcally. Galveston last navy stronghold!

I'm saying it was stupid becaue the South needed us to have the most incompetant set of generals just to keep them in the war for 3 years.  

Also, on the War of Souther agression comment about firing first.  That's really not fair, becaue Lincoln trapped the South into firing first by sending reinforcements and supplies there.  The South had two options fire on the fort or let it be reinforced.  Both bad options at the time.  By firing first, it meant that Europe couldnt recgonize the South as a new nation.

If we fire first, Europe has the excuse of that they can recognize them because obviously a country doesnt fire upon itself.

Logan88

December 14th, 2011 at 6:57 PM ^

Two criteria for any place to be considered "the South" in the U.S.:

Do they put sugar in everything (except cornbread which is supposed to have sugar)?

Do they talk "funny"?

If the answer to both questions (has to be both because they talk "funny" in Michigan, too) is "yes", then you are in "the South."

justingoblue

December 14th, 2011 at 1:34 PM ^

When I was doing an admissions interview at Chicago, they had given me the course catalog and asked which class I was most interested in and why. I chose one about the constitutionality of the Civil War and Abraham Lincoln's actions. Didn't get in, so I never got to take the class, but it still sounded pretty cool, IMO.

ItsaDamnGame

December 14th, 2011 at 12:49 PM ^

I check the Arizona Rivals site everyday and even the Arizona papers because I liked RR before he got here and still like him.  However, there is no need to read about him on this blog.  He is not here, people who are obsessed with him (good or bad) should stop posting about him here.  He's gone and Michigan is better for it. LET IT GO!

Everyone Murders

December 14th, 2011 at 12:53 PM ^

I want to discuss levitating cats.  I read somewhere how cats levitate, and feel compelled to share. First firmly afix a slice of buttered toast (butter side up) atop the cat, and then drop the cat from a moderate height.  Since cats always land on their feet, and buttered toast always falls butter side down, the cats can never land.

It's physics!

attention-people-of-earth-we-will-expurrminate-you[1]

 

Colt McBaby Jesus

December 14th, 2011 at 1:00 PM ^

Brian, we get it, you LOVE RR and HATE HOKE. We know...

 

Wait, what? You're saying to don't care about RR and are happy to have Hoke? But people are always bitching about your RR love? I'm so confused...

profitgoblue

December 14th, 2011 at 5:07 PM ^

Its always interesting to me when people refuse to accept a change of heart/mind.  Its a perfect example of holding a grudge.  What do people insist on doing so?  Why can't someone be entitled to hold a position and then change his/her mind, repent, and switch sides? 

Sometimes, especially when emotions are involved, it makes sense to take the "show me" approach rather than simply embrace change without question.  I know that is exactly what I did when Hoke was hired and I surmise that Brian did the same.  No one knew what was going to happen this season and, after the Rodriguez years, I for one did not want to feel the same crushed expectations.  So someone takes the same approach, changes his/her mind, and then can never be forgiven for their initial reaction?  That's just silly, in my opinion.  Call it a grudge or whatever, it makes no sense to continue to hold someone to an old belief that has clearly been changed.  Especially when all of us here are strident Michigan supporters and all want the same thing - to enjoy watching Michigan win football games and have fun doing it.  Its time to move on.  Finally.