The Hot Take: Horses Should Play The Other Football, Which Is Soccer Comment Count

Brian May 1st, 2013 at 4:01 PM



O reader, I bring to you a topic of great significance. The blogosphere has been riven by controversy after a horse tried to play football on twitter. Should horses play football on twitter? Should horses not play football on twitter? This is the great modern give-and-take of discourse. This is the First Amendment. This is America.

The Anti-Horse Alliance is led by one Adam Jacobi, an Iowan who loathes all hooved mammals you cannot eat. I must agree that a thousand pounds of lovely-seeming meat just, like, composted or whatever is a waste and is hateful. In addition, he says the idea of horses playing football is anathema. He has many fine reasons for this take.

Horses can't understand football. Horses aren't completely stupid, and their skills at dressage lead me to believe that an end zone celebration involving a horse hot-steppingcould be PHENOMENAL, but football is a very complicated sport with rules and regulations governing virtually everything, and I just can't imagine that a horse would be able to abide by the rules of the line of scrimmage and the snap. False start penalties everywhere, even for just a twitch of the tail. "Set" means "set," horsie.

And so forth and so on.

The Coalition of the Horse Willing counts the esteemed Spencer Hall in their ranks.

Horses can qualify academically in the NCAA. Provided they get a learning disabled qualification, a horse should be able to stay eligible at several SEC schools. Auburn and Ole Miss come to mind first, but let's not single out those schools alone, but yes, mainly Auburn and Ole Miss. Horses may also succeed--neigh! even thrive!--at the C-USA, Sun Belt, and MAC level.

I fear that both these men have missed the mark on the original question so badly that they have embarrassed themselves in the manner of a 50-year-old white Christian male who demands credit for such, also on twitter. They will live down their shame in time.

That shame: by debating whether or not horses should play football they fail to ask the question "what sport should horses play?" Football is an ill fit. Basketball is preposterous, hockey promising but problematic, track and field faintly ridiculous, and horse racing completely out of the question. It's obvious, though. It's right in front of your face, and thus two or three feet below a horse's face.

Horses should play soccer.

THEY HAVE MORE FEET. More feet equals more skill. Leo Messi in fact has a foot that branches just below the ankle into ten toe-sized feet. Horses cannot match this, but with four feet they have double that of the average American, and are therefore twice as good at soccer than said average American, four times better than many World War I veterans, and eight times better than Robbie Findley.

PREHENSILE LIMBS NOT REQUIRED HERE. The McDonalds inside of which horses play soccer beautifully has a sign outside that says "NO SHIRT NO SHOES NO FINGERS NO PROBLEM."

HORSES CAN UNDERSTAND SOCCER. It's mostly a matter of booting a ball around without whistles and the like. Much simpler than football. Also, horses came from Europe! QED.

While I think a horse hockey team would be pretty good since the goalie would occupy the entire net, you'd probably have to shoot it. I digress.

TURNING HORSE ANKLES INTO A MIST OF TENDONS AND DEATH IS SANCTIONED IN SOCCER. In football, exploding someone's ankle is not a penalizable offense except in certain situations. Anyone turning a leg into a spray of horror gristle in soccer is generally shown a red card. The tendency of horse legs to fall off with little provocation is an asset to the team, if not the horse in particular. Go team.

SOCCER DEVELOPMENTAL PROGRESS GENERALLY AVOIDS THE NCAA. Horses do not have to take tests to sign with Liverpool or whatever.

POOPING ON THE FIELD IS PROBABLY STILL NOT GOOD. But they do play on actual grass. The cost savings. Think of them.

AMERICA CAN USE THEIR ATHLETES ON AMERICAN SPORTS. Horses are a great untapped resource in our race to dominate the globe's favorite sport, allowing us to  both have LeBron James and LeHorse Soccer.


This is the First Amendment, that I can say that horses playing football is a terrible idea… unless it's the other football.

"Don't tread on me"

–Horse America.

See you at the World Cup final. Bring carbonated oats, baby.



May 1st, 2013 at 8:57 PM ^

Bolivian President Evo Morales Evicts Banished MGoBloggers

The story has been updated to cover-up the true nature of the happenings.  From the original cached report, we learn


Bolivian President Evo Morales declared Wednesday he was expelling banished MGoBloggers from the country, accusing the website of conspiring against his government.

“Surely to think that you can still manipulate us economically, politically -- those times are past,” Morales said at May Day celebrations in La Paz, according to the Bolivian national news agency.

The Bolivian leader asserted that had sown divisions and destabilized the country and his government. Ejecting banished MGoBloogers was also a message to Brian, “who says that Latin America is the Siberia of the Internets,” Morales said.


The censored article can be found at Bolivia Deports Banished MGoBloggers


May 1st, 2013 at 10:36 PM ^

That's completely unfair.  Brian's not saying horses shouldn't have the opportunity to play football, just that for their own good they should try soccer instead since they'd be better at it.  Similarly, it wouldn't be heightist to tell Dikembe Motumbo that he shouldn't become a jockey but should give basketball a shot instead, though a rule absolutely forbidding him to try might be heightist.


May 2nd, 2013 at 5:31 AM ^

but whoa-now my fellow mgobloggers!   i really think you've got the tail wagging the horse on this one.  how are you going to integrate the mares in all this?  would you let geldings play?  and if not, would you feel right about that discrimination?   what limits would you set for the ponies, when could they be drafted?   and can you imagine if your horse bucks another?  or you have a whole team of buckers, now that would be tough.  

bottom line:  if you think this will work you must have blinders on, and you are definitely putting the cart before the horse. 


May 2nd, 2013 at 12:13 PM ^

We aready have proof that horses can play football.


They're even smart enough to officiate the games.



But show me evidence they can play soccer.


(And did anyone else in our non-soccer fan crowd have to Google Robbie Findley to make sure he wasn't a quadriplegic?)