The Grand Opening Comment Count

BiSB May 2nd, 2014 at 9:15 AM

Previously on we-ripped-this-off-from-BHGP: ID16, ID16 part II, Urban's meeting.

As you may have heard, the Big Ten opened its new office in New York City recently, and the media got its first look on Wednesday.

Big Ten HQ

What you may not have heard was that shortly before the media took their tour, the Big Ten coaches and a handful of administrators got a look inside. We have a transcript of their meeting.

Delany Delany: Okay, thanks everyone for coming. Before we begin…

Hoke Hoke: Years?

Delany Delany: Aw hell, not this again. Anyway, what I was…

Hoke Hoke: YEARS???

MeyerMeyer: He’s not going to stop until you do it, Jim.

Delany Delany. Sigh. Okay, fine. 135.

Hoke Hoke: CHAMPIONSHIPS?

Dantonio Dantonio: Yep!

Meyer Meyer: Congratulations, blind squirrel.

Hoke Hoke: BEAT?

Beckman Tim Beckman: Off!

Beckman Beckman: …hehehe…

Beckman Beckman: Get it? Cause he wanted us to say “Beat Ohio,” but instead I made a funny. Which is what we call jokes in Illinois.

Pelini Bo Pelini: Dude, Darrell, how the hell did you lose to that buffoon?

Hazell Darrell Hazell: Did you see what Danny Hope left me? The cupboard was bare, except for those jars of urine. And Rob Henry. I probably should have played the urine more.

Delany Delany: ANYWAY, thanks for all taking the time to come to the opening of our new offices. We’re hoping that given our new territory, we can expand our brand…

Brandon Dave Brandon: WOOT!!!

Hoke Hoke: Sorry, he does that. It isn’t voluntary.

Brandon Brandon: What are we hashtagging this meeting? #B1GLifeB1GOffices? Damn I’m good.

Delany Delany: Let’s just get the tour started.

[AFTER THE JUMP: the tour]

Franklin James Franklin: Hey guys!

Franklin Franklin: Sorry I’m late. I didn’t get the invite for some reason. Beckman had to give me the deets.

Hoke Hoke: …

Ferentz Kirk Ferentz:

Kill Jerry Kill: Hey James… how’s the…

Pelini Pelini: Dude. Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeave.

Pelini Pelini: My lawyer said I can’t hang out with you right now.

Pelini Pelini: Not for legal reasons. He just says you’re, quote, “sketchy as shit.”

FranklinFranklin: Eh, I get it. Besides, this is more respect than I ever got at the SEC meetings.

/Franklin leaves

Ferentz Ferentz: GODDAMMIT BECKMAN

Beckman Beckman: Sorry, I forgot who we weren’t inviting. I thought it was the fat dude from Wisconsin.

Ferentz Ferentz: He coaches at Arkansas now, moron.

Beckman Beckman: So, we WERE inviting him, or…

Fitz Fitzgerald: Yeah, THIS guy owns the State of Illinois.

Maryland

/Delany leads the group to a large room lined with memorabilia.

Delany Delany: Here we have the Great Hall of B1G. It tells the story of the Big Ten’s contribution to the game of football, from Rutgers victory in the first college football game in 1869 to Joe Tiller’s invention of the forward pass in 1998 to Al Borges’ invention of the backward run in 2013.

Kill Kill: Forward pass?

Wilson Wilson: It’s where someone throws the ball through the air toward someone on your team.

Flood Kyle Flood: Yeah, we had a guy that used to do that. He got fired for it.

Hermann Julie Hermann: No, he was fired because those kids were wimpy-ass pansies. Just like you, Flood. Also your children are dumb. And I kinda hope bad things happen to your pets.

Flood Flood: [/mumbling] think of the paycheck… think of the paycheck…

Nussmeier Nussmeier: You know I get paid as much as you, right?

Delany Delany: And here we are in the food court. Nothing terribly interesting here, though we have some really exciting ideas involving unlimited snacks.

Meyer Meyer: What, no Culvers? MAN, what I wouldn’t give for a Butter Burger. Am I right, Kirk?

Ferentz Ferentz: Angry Ferentz

Beckman Beckman: Get it?

Beckman Beckman: It’s funny because your coach left to open a Culver’s. Urban didn’t really want a Butter Burger at all.

Meyer Meyer: Jesus, this guy is worse than having Maryland around.

Edsall Randy Edsall: C’mon, man, I’m right here.

Meyer Meyer: Sorry, I didn’t recognize you without the renaissance fair getup.

Delany Delany: And here’s the new legal department and crisis management wing. We’ve had to beef things up recently because SOME people can’t keep their shit in order.

Fitz Fitzgerald: Look, I’m doing everything I can. I even said that thing you told me to tell them about what unionization does to genital size. I don’t know what else I could have done.

/the group enters what appears to be a laboratory of some kind

Delany Delany: This is our new Academy of  the Punting Sciences .

Ferentz Ferentz: Hot damn, now we’re talking.

Zook Zook: Hello again, friends.

Dantonio Dantonio: Ron? The hell are you doing here?

Zook Zook: I have been here since before this place existed. In a way, I have always been here.

Zook Zook: Also I’ve been looking for the exit for several days. I’m getting really hungry.

Delany Delany: Even with Zook wandering aimlessly, we’ve already made significant advancements in Punt Theory. We’ve successfully located a scenario in which punting from the opponent’s 27 yard line could be sustainable.

Delany Delany: Of course, that’s only in a laboratory setting. But still, promising.

Wilson Wilson: Hey, Jim, I have a question.

Delany Delany: Dammit Kevin, for the last time, yes, that’s as fast as our refs can run, and no, we can’t get them Segways. They’ll spot the ball when they spot the ball.

Hoke Hoke: PREACH, BROTHA

Wilson Wilson: That wasn’t what I was gonna ask, but… we’ll come back to that one.

WilsonWilson: No, I mean, you make a big deal about the Big Ten being contiguous and all, and then you open an office where we don’t have any teams. Sup with that?

Delany Delany: So glad you asked. BEHOLD!

B1G Gnomes

Delany Delany: We’re ready to announce Phase Three of Big Ten expansion. MANIFEST DESTINY!!!

Brandon Brandon: #Sea2ShiningSea #ThisLandIsB1GLand

Delany Delany: We’re going to divide into two divisions:

Delany Delany: Purdue, Wisconsin, Illinois, Northwestern, Minnesota, Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming, Boise State, and Washington State will be in the Northwest Passage Division.

Delany Delany: Michigan, Michigan State, Indiana, Ohio State, Penn State, Maryland, Rutgers, Syracuse, Boston College, Vermont, and Maine will be in the States That Fought For The Union Division.

Dantonio Dantonio: Maine? Do they even play football?

Delany Delany: No idea, but they both play hockey, and I've been told by my brethren from other hockey conferences that having Penn State be your 6th best team means we suck.

Kill Kill: Wait, Jim… you said “Vermont,” but you have New Hampshire filled in on the map. So, is it New Hampshire, or is Maine just not going to be contiguous?

Delany Delany:

Delany Delany: I have to make a call.

Comments

DealerCamel

May 2nd, 2014 at 9:46 AM ^

 

It tells the story of the Big Ten’s contribution to the game of football, from Rutgers victory in the first college football game in 1869 to Joe Tiller’s invention of the forward pass in 1998 to Al Borges’ invention of the backward run in 2013.

 

LBSS

May 2nd, 2014 at 10:20 AM ^

Is the Rennaissance Festival really a Maryland thing? I grew up going to it outside Annapolis every year and always figured it was like a traveling show, a month here, six weeks there.

mGrowOld

May 2nd, 2014 at 11:50 AM ^

You are one funny, funny dude BiSB.  That is pure comedic gold.

You should seriously consider comedic writing as a full-time gig.  Not sure what you make as an attorney but I'll bet you could get hired in Hollywood pretty fast if you sent them this and few other samples of your work.