THE GOD OF ALL TROLLS

Submitted by Brian on April 24th, 2015 at 11:37 AM

Find a bridge, and look under it. There you will find something you did not expect: a crude charcoal figure in the shape of the man. On certain nights when the moon lances through the overpass just right and strikes the figure at just the right angle, the markings take on a three dimensional aspect.

As you're squinting, wondering why it looks familiar and kind of pisses you off, Harbaugh, Master Of The Toll, will step forth from the rock to answer one question you have. I have been across this nation's highways and byways, searching out the dwindling numbers of his worshippers. Pushed out by EZ-Pass and foreign purchases of American roads, the United States troll is literally at a crossroads.

They ask him about inflicting pain on the country that spurned them.

He told them "form a country duo that sings about comin' to your citayyyy."

He told them "tell 'em it's about ethics in gaming journalism."

He told them to make a website on which anyone can talk to anyone with a 140 character maximum.

He told them to run athletic departments like conglomerations of mining interests.

He told them to name something "The KFC Yum! Center."

Yes, with the exclamation point smack in the middle of it. He is diabolical.

I sought him. I invoked daemons of minor annoyance. They told me that sitting outside in some nice weather and watching something approximating a football game was the sign of a diseased mind, but they also told me where to find him. The bridge was old and rickety, all but abandoned. Long ago a chunk of wood had been clattered free, so the light at this bridge was direct and fulsome. After a time, Harbaugh stepped forth from the charcoal.

I said I had a job for him.

I said he would find glory, and he was uninterested.

I said it paid very very well, and he bridled.

I said he could follow in the footsteps of the all-troll who birthed him from a cauldron of spite, and he took one half-step towards me. I knew not whether I had made progress or a terrible mistake.

I said that all the football coaches in all the land would gnash their teeth and shake their NCAA-mandated chains and wail and wail and wail, that entire fanbases of people would rise up in one agglomerated mass of incensed powerlessness, that even the greatest and mightiest of football would feel their bile rise uncontrollably at his visage.

He said "I accept."

And then he was gone. Shaken, I began the long journey home under the moon.

Comments

iawolve

April 24th, 2015 at 2:36 PM ^

move by the SEC. He didn't pull this together in a day since you can't coordinate it all, he had it ready to go. SEC bitches, NCAA rattles sabres and Coach Jim deploys his counter move. 

I can only imagine what it is like to game plan against this guy.

RobSk

April 24th, 2015 at 12:41 PM ^

I think he's on top because he's apparently afraid of nothing, ever. Professional fear does not seem to be a concept he grasps at all. You can say "Yeah, he's got the cash, why would he be afraid?" And I reply "But what about everybody else that has the cash? They are all still afraid."

Dude is amazing.

      Rob

Bez

April 24th, 2015 at 11:53 AM ^

I think the only thing that could have made this better is if he posted his personal email address as the contact instead of the exposureU address.

MGlobules

April 24th, 2015 at 12:18 PM ^

agree to come before he put that epic sh*t out there, just to make sure he started with some momentum. If half the planet has already signed before Saban can even get to the podium. . .

EDIT: It will be fun to see whoever does show visiting the museum, staring up at Bo. . .

ruraljuror

April 24th, 2015 at 12:11 PM ^

This is almost too much to comprehend. First he trolls Urb on his shady recruiting tactics, plays first base coach for the A's, saves a woman from a car accident on the highway, props Cracker Barrel and Judge Judy, gives the greatest look of all time to the news of Snow Crabs, ask's Jameis if he is a sex addict, and now this camp. This team is going 14-0 this year.

DonAZ

April 24th, 2015 at 12:14 PM ^

His signature line -- "Sincerely yours in football" -- is a middle-finger salute to those who take exception to his comments about football being a last bastion of toughness for men.

There's an ocean of people who love football, love what it is and stands for, and agrees with Harbaugh about the role football can play in a young man's development.

This is Harbaugh telling the PC crowd: "I make my stand right here."

I love it.

jamiemac

April 24th, 2015 at 12:16 PM ^

Harbaugh kills 2-3 offseason days a week just by being himself. So fun and entertaining.

And a whole lot better than offseasons being dominated by either constant player departures or sulry, in-hiding coach/AD duos.

Sincerely yours in football,

Jamie Mac

HarBooYa

April 24th, 2015 at 12:29 PM ^

Money to see the fireworks if one of them actually show up to camp. I can envision them in a duct taped off area grinding and mashing their teeth after just being out of high five reach of the 5 stars floating magnetically to the voice of harbaugh and his might staff.