Dear Diary Has Seen the Future, and It is 2009 Except Two Years Later

Submitted by Seth on December 16th, 2011 at 7:14 AM

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History of our scoreboard by M Today / Uni concept smuggled from DB's office

Ugh what's that on the right? Is that…real? Is that blue pants? Is that the international nautical sign for the letter J on our sleeves? Naw, it's a reply by Ghost of Bo in a Diary of the Week by the same Ghost of Bo, a scathing, front-paged parody of Dave Brandon's quest to create the future. Apparently the future means M's and internet memes on everything. Like Taylor Lewan down the path of the Jake Long Experience, Michigan is still 100% on track for the future envisioned two years ago by The Shredder.

The future does not stop at scoreboards, boxes, burro-bashing left tackles, and uniforms; it goes all the way to the upper lips of every fan. This as well began in the way back of 2009, when an enterprising young man named Pat, on advice from a group of fans dedicated to putting cookie dusters back upon the labia sebucula* of all Michigan men, flipped on a video camera and filmed M fans tailgating. Thus began the legend of Pre-Game Pat. Some (I'm guessing MGoreader) interviewed him for English class and Pat posted the text of the interview as a diary.

pgwporig

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*I spent '09 trying to get [Mets 3rd baseman] David Wright to grow a mustache, hence the expansive vocabulary for lip whiskers, soup strainers, crumb catchers, lady ticklers, nose bugs, pushbrooms, mobile tea strainers, and the "Tiller Toothbrush."

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In the Etc. section, MiS is keeping the candle burning on Upset Watch through these dark December weeks by previewing the bowl games. Ohio is playing Utah State in Boise, which didn't Ohio get in trouble for scamming the NCAA or something? Oh wait, that's the Ohio with nine wins this year. Oooh sorry. AceUofMer is back to covering Michigan wrestling. MGoBlog Mcrecruiting analyst Ace McAnbender interviewed WR/DB Marcus McWilson, another 2013 recruit with kind of a funny name. Nothing Mc about his game though. The #8 Wolverines faced unranked Wisconsin and avoided the upset only because the bottom of the order stepped up. And finally Section 1 is mad that Bacon had his speaking engagement canceled with U-M Club Detroit, presumably because..oh hell you know why and Bacon knows why; what we don't know is why all the superfluous equine flagellation? Don't answer that.

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Best of the Board (Much Better Than the Diaries This Week Anyway)

PHOTOBOMBING, or PHOTOBROPPING, or HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE BROMB

image0012152380Ohio State

So at the hockey game a few weeks ago some dude went to go get his picture taken with this year's edition of FSD's official attractive females of the species and got, well, another member of the species. Then you did this. In answer to Papa Kass, that was posted noon Friday and I write DDs on Thursday nights so the Photobomb counts as this week.

VOTE FOR ME, I'M CRAIG JAMES BIATCH!

craig%20james2204436-craig-james-was-a-former-running-back-for-the-smu-mustangs-and-has-bee

I once took a business trip to Dallas during election season. This is how I learned that in Texas wearing a cowboy hat means you are running for office. If you're really serious you'll have a ranch or a slaughterhouse in the background. So guess who's gettin' his cowboy hat on!

On this here blog we have a strict policy of No Politics. So if the good people of Texas do the right thing, this may be the last time we ever have to talk about Craig James. That means never again having to debunk those nasty and completely false rumors about how Craig James killed five hookers while at SMU.

CAN YOU NAME THAT GAME?

I like this new challenge, posted by Yost Ghost earlier this week. The answer's in the thread but it's more fun to try to figure it out for yourself. If that one's too hard, here's some in-stadium shots from a recent home game that's a bit easier to identify.

PROJECTING CURRENT M PLAYERS IN THE NFL

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SalvatoreQuattro asks who's the best pro prospect on the team? I bet every blog has this thread pop up a few times a year, and like those threads we think our guys are all about two rounds better than the NFL probably will. Ours however comes with snide asides about the owner of that NFL team with the terrible name.

"If Dan Snyder had a nickel for each time he got challenged to a karate match, he'd be... well... even more of a rich asshole."

NEWSFLASH: OHIO STATE SAYS OHIO STATE ISN'T IN TROUBLE AT ALL

RedNovember

Some folks this week were a little surprised when soon-to-be-Buckeye-again Bri'onte Dunn tweeted that Urban assured him there's no more sanctions coming down the line.

Could it be true? Is it possible that the NCAA is so arbitrary/blind/stupid/incompetent that the stonewalling tactics of Ohio State actually worked? Is it even within the realm of possibility that the net result of practicegate ends up tangibly twice as damaging as 10 years of blatant violations involving everyone up to the president because Michigan made the spectacularly bad decision to fully cooperate and accept responsibility? Did the league really throw up its hands the minute their best witness got in whatever car Gee's buddy was currently lending him and drove it straight to the NFL?

Um, Yes. Hi, NCAA, Ohio State's bitch, have we met?pryor-vette

Does Urban know something we don't? Well where do you think Meyer's getting it from? He's getting it from Smith, who thinks this whole thing should have been a two-game suspension for Tress. Or he's getting it from Gee, who is sure Ohio State has done nothing wrong because he didn't know, understand?

This is a way better defense than “We own the mistakes we have made,” or "We're sorry we accidentally practiced too much because nobody knows what counts as stretching; here's an exhaustive report on everything ever along with our recommendation for tangible, practical punishments that double in damages the benefits over our competition that we didn't receive." This response netted Michigan three years of probation (NCAA tacked on the third under its "always add something to show we're hard asses" policy) and 130 hours of lost practice time, not to mention a lifetime of having to explain NCAA's definition of "major violations" to stupid people.

Now watch a pro work:

People: Mr. Gee, if everything was the fault of Jim Tressell and firing him was your sole act of contrition, why was he invited back to talk to (i.e. coach) the team before the Michigan game?

Gee: It's cool guy, because, see, I didn't know about it. It was the players who wanted it (thanks uncle of UMxWolverines!).

Now look at the results. Gee deserves a raise. Oh wait, he just got one.

NEWSFLASH: MICHIGAN STADIUM HAS LOTS OF FANS IN IT

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The 2011 attendance figures are out and this time we are very happy they don't count the 4th quarter of the WMU game. Unsurprisingly Michigan Stadium can fit a lot of people; we led the nation with 112,000 in attendance per. That's 102% capacity. TCU had 112% capacity. Considering a stadium at 102% capacity feels a lot like an elevator at 200% capacity, I'm kind of glad I'm not a Horned Frog right now. It's not even a frog; it's a lizard.

FERGODSAKES T-SHIRTS SELLING LIKE HOT CAKES NORTH OF OHIO

We had a question from one JeremyB about why he can't get him some "Michigan Fergodsakes" t-shirts. Good news Jeremy, you can get these babies in the MGoStore, minus the "MICHIGAN" part because copyright and what what. I was looking on the store this morning (it's just a few clicks away) and sales of shirts like these have gone way up recently. I think it's because Hoke has changed the tide on the rivalry. Hell people in Ohio are starting to order these shirts. Never in a million years I would have thought that. Selling Fergodsakes jerseys is a good start.

LET'S TAKE A THREAD TO APPRECIATE HEININGER

Okay.

BACK THE F OFF OUR GUYS MEYER/MUSCHAMP

Florida fans imagine they can poach Borges. Ohio State fans imagine they can poach Kalis. The proper response is to laugh in the face of such people until their eyes fill with the sudden realization of the utter lack of value in their existence, then angrily insist they remove their worthless subhuman forms from your presence, preferably following that with an act that is anatomically impossible. I do not know if that's how it went down, but you should know Urban isn't recruiting Kalis anymore and Borges isn't going anywhere. Would that we could say the same to people (probably Sparties) who want to move The Game to October.

SOMETHING FUNNY THIS WAY COMES

Six Zero posted the logo…and that's it. The new MGoComic strip starts Jan. 1. You're a tease, Six. A total tease.

HOW DO WE SAY HAPPY HOLIDAYS FROM HOKE, DENARD, BORGES, MATTISON, AND LLOYD BRADY?

Like ah This:

Yeah jibjab.

Comments

mikoyan

December 16th, 2011 at 9:03 AM ^

One of your comments has hit on one of my pet peeves of sports announcing....

When there is a fumble or first down or whatever, the announcers will say, "Such and such team says they have the ball".  Well of course they're going to say they have ball.  The only people that matter is whether the refs say they have the ball.

ItsaDamnGame

December 16th, 2011 at 9:57 AM ^

I absolutely become irrate when a sports guy says "like a Chauncy Billups" when he's actually talking about Chauncy Billups.  Our local sports radio morning guy was listing off the Pistons roster saying "a Rip Hamilton" etc. rather than just saying Rip Hamilton.  This bothers me very much.  Anyway... 

J. Lichty

December 16th, 2011 at 1:56 PM ^

Dennis Green, despite his hilarious tirade about the Chicago Bears being who they thought he was, was the master of this.

Drives me up a wall more than my wife's adoption of the "and whatnot" to her lexicon.

 

BTW - Jib Jab Lloyd Brady is almost better than photoshop thread Lloyd Brady.

GoWings2008

December 16th, 2011 at 10:00 AM ^

Somewhere in the depths of Bri'onte Dunn's mind, Cheyenne Mountain-type alarm claxons should be going off signaling DEFCON 1.  If Meyer is promising no more sanctions, one of two things is going on:  either he's lying to try and keep Dunn from decommitting, or he does have some insider information, in which case he's playing some insider-trading act game, and this could come back to bite their collective asses.  It appears that the new zest for life and "balanced" approach to coaching hasn't changed the way he recruits, either.  Either way, I hope Dunn knows the truth before signing day and ends up somewhere else...even if it isn't Ann Arbor.

Vader

December 16th, 2011 at 10:03 AM ^

This is true. And if Ohio does in fact get no sanctions that is the biggest bullshit I have ever seen. USC was doing it for about 8 years and got a 2 year bowl ban. OSU does it for about 10 and might get off with just a self reduction in scholarships. Bullshit

OKBuckeye

December 16th, 2011 at 10:13 AM ^

Is anyone on this board a rational person with any ability to think independently at all? I agree that if we get off with only what we self imposed (Forfeit 2010 season, refund Bowl $, Fire Head Coach, 2 years probation, loss of 5 scholarships over 3) that it is a bit light. We should probably see a 1 year bowl ban plus losing 10 schollies over 3 in addition. That said, that you all have to rationalize your ineptitude over the last 10 years and say it had to be because tOSU was cheating is crazy. If anyone at the NCAA could prove cheating went past the last 2 years, they would do it in a heart beat. No program has under gone the scrutiny that tOSU has over the last 12 months. No one. Ever. EVER!  Believe what you want, it only makes it sweeter when we meet on the field next.

Enjoy this bowl season while you can ladies.

ajcrmr

December 16th, 2011 at 11:01 AM ^

Until the FBI gets involved (like with USC) I don't see how you can possibly claim that you have undergone more scrutiny than any team EVER has.

EDIT: Originally posted this from MGoDroid and now the comment I replied to is gone so mods feel free to delete this comment.

M-Wolverine

December 16th, 2011 at 10:48 AM ^

Getting that photobombed thread front paged behind fearless leader's back, eh?

And it's amazing that with the amount of time I spend on here the things I still miss. The name the photo thread WAS a lot of fun.  And I find it really funny that fans of other major teams are lusting after coordinators we wanted drawn and quartered halfway through the season.

SFBlue

December 16th, 2011 at 1:47 PM ^

Double-post.  I'll use this to say that the Brian photobomb pictures on the front page are great, but the ones that left me in stiches are where the girls faces are swapped out for Brian's. 

BRCE

December 16th, 2011 at 1:55 PM ^

Both Michigan and Ohio State have embarrassing responses to NCAA business for reasons that are the polar opposite of each other.

While Ohio State exhibits a despicable gamemanship, Michigan shows entirely too MUCH respect for the organization ("day of great shame" speech, voluntary banner removal, apologizing for things that don't even warrant it in terms fo stretchgate).

Sobinator

December 16th, 2011 at 3:41 PM ^

As much as everyone hates the idea, it's going to happen - Raback it. 

The way it is slowly being thrown out there, I firmly believe it's a done deal.

Everyone is going to freak out and it's going to totally suck, but ther powers that be don't want to see a back to back, that we all know is going to happen in the next few years.

I can already see it, Michigan v Ohio, October 25th, 2014. Under the lights, with Michigan in super 3D special addition throwback uni's, presented by Taco Bell. Concert at halftime featuring Nickelback. Wolvey the mascot stuffed animals to the first 10k in addendance.

Ugh... curse you Dave Brandon