Dear Diary is Directed by Michael Bay Comment Count

Seth September 9th, 2011 at 5:49 PM



Interior: Pentagon [yes, I completely copied parts of that link]. In a huge dark room full of computer screens and a huge mega screen in the center, displaying a large American flag. It is the operations center for the secret government agency for counter-nuclear robot space terrorism. A beautiful woman is at her station: platinum blonde with a huge rack. She is the hottest woman in the world, but she wears glasses because she is also the smartest woman in the world.

Sir, you'd better come take a look at this.            

We pan to a man in his mid-50's and an expensive tailored suit (note: can we get Jon Voight?) He is the head of this super-secret operation and utterly ruthless.

What is it agent Scarbo?                                       

          There's been movement in the tree sector alpha.         
          Just a blip on the screen; it was moving so fast.            
    But it was blue and maize had a dilithium signature
of one dash six. Sir?                                             

Oh. My. God.                                                       

Sir, do you know what this is?                             

Agent, I want you to forget you ever saw this.   
Send me your files then never speak of it again. 

Sir? Sir do you know what this is?                        

Kelly is already on his phone, ignoring Agent Scarbo.

Get me Agent Te'o. It's back.                              

So if you haven't heard, this game is gonna be epic. The two winningest (this is not a word) teams in college football, the biggest stadium in the game, kicking off at the timeslot calculated by secret government operatives (note: cast secret gov't operatives) to be the most epic possible moment to kick off a football game. It has its own name "Under the Lights," its own logo, and outfits, and Web site, not to mention a squadron of jets which will transform into Decepticons and battle Space Bear at half-time. It's not just gonna be epic (cjm)

It's gonna be monuMental!

All that Glitters – 2011 Game 2 Preview

Imminent Threats to National Security

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So long as BlueSeoul has screen capture, Microsoft Paint, and time on his hands, it's going to be hard for anyone else to win Diarist of the Week. He gets it this week for the EPIC scouting job on ND, but so this doesn't become a '90s Florida State in the ACC situation, every time he posts one of these I'm just gonna award him 200 points and give the DotW to someone else.

In other explosive semi-regular posts resurfacing from offseason burial on the moon to wreck havoc upon the Earth, remember when Chris Danger Logic Danger of Danger is Dangerous or w/e would put Brian's picture pages to video? He's back at it, at least for the freshman vs. power running Picture Page earlier this week.

Also in helpfulness, michiganfanforlife has made a handy Game Chart I guess you're supposed to fill out like a box score. If people were to do this and post it that would be pretty epic. The point:

You can then create statistics that will tell you things like, "On first down, the opposition runs 75% of the time." Or, "This team likes to run the ball in their own territory and pass more in yours."  There are endless ways of breaking down the small amount of columns I used.

The Biggest Most Ever Thing Ever or
What to Read While Waiting All Day for a Football Game

ronjohnson leachandbo

Because of a bunch of pencil-neck bastards (production note: we need to cast some pencil-neck bastards for this movie) at NCAA might not count stats accumulated during the Western game (I have a question in to Ablauf) this MASSIVE EPIC HUGE AWESOME ALSO HUMONGOUS Almanac of Records by Communist Football that took him all of offseason might still be up to date.

Aliens from the Future Are Omniscient Gods

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The great thing about a badly written movie is that the bad guys will tell you every thing about their nefarious plans. And so it was that Irish, our friendly neighborhood green (sometimes navy and gold – really what the hell are ND's colors?) alien gives us the breakdown of his entire evil secret government organization, split up nicely into:

And then our own resident future alien from the future (line breaks followed by periods are for hiding the lasers for stealing souls), THE_KNOWLEDGE has his thing.

Massive Planetary Storm


Last week a meteor the size of Charlie Weiss struck the Earth at the exact same time as an earthquake along every fault caused 40 tsunamis. This combined with the unfortunate simultaneous explosion of every Iowa running back, every ACL in West Lafayette, and a strange phenomenon scientists (note: cast scientists) call a "Kovacsian Sack" to create a supermassive storm capable of leveling entire football quarters. Various accounts from the survivors follow:

Please help us rescue jhackney, who has been trapped under the ice with nothing but Dick Cheney and a video of the Gator Bowl. Every time Michigan runs POWER ISO out of the I-formation, j is an inch closer to freedom. We did manage to rescue Lordfoul but he's still jibbering.

This thing from Erik in Dayton where he watches the D in slo-mo and takes notes is kind of like a defensive UFR but way shorter and kind of useful for getting a feel for the flow of the game on that side of the ball.

One guy ranked conferences by power (he'll keep doing this). Another guy ranked the Top 15 by resume.

Best of the Board Before EVER!


You know what our epic movie still needs? A David vs. Goliath effect. That's a bumped-to-diaries post by Maize_in_spartyland of best dogs each week. If you'd like a preview of the sequels, he also put together a list of potential snackycakes of the future (THE FUTURE!!!)

For those wishing to re-live the events of the day after a week ago, the Boyz n da Pahookee provide Michigan v. <---Michigan, every snap of the first two quarters (and you can find the 3rd pretty easy in YouTube). And karpodiem posted ND's offense vs. USF, every snap.

Board Etc.

Moe's got his weekly contest going again. The Men's Hockey Team is offering the best job ever. Last chance to help Brian wipe the mat with other metro-D bloggers. And a bunch of people posted the Under the Lights hype video by Old Hat Creative, which is the company that makes a lot of the CGI stuff you see at stadiums, and which knows how to make shit epic. Just look:

Michigan Hockey: Epic.

Michigan Volleyball: Epic.

Kids Quoting Bo: Epic.

Michigan players who actually made it to the Ohio State game in 2009 without transferring: Epic.

Iowa State Football season tickets for under $100: TOTALLY EPIC!

Gratuitous Explosion:




September 9th, 2011 at 7:23 PM ^

ND is not among top two in all time wins. They have been supplanted by TX during the Weis era. They may, if Brian rights the ship, regain that spot, but that will be a tough hurdle to leap inasmuch as most of Tx's more prominent, i.e., tradition-rich schools are moving away or attempting to at least. This should leave them as kings of the SW at least minimally for the foreseeable future, thus allowing them to not only separate themselves further from ND, but also crawl right up our six unless we start winning in double digits again.

I really can't see anyone other than OK and Okie St giving them a run for their money as kings of that section of the U.S.


September 10th, 2011 at 11:38 AM ^

actually it depends if you consider total wins or winning percentage to mean "winningest", ND is still 2nd in winning percentage (.733 - .732), but for total wins they have actually dropped to fourth, you forgot to mention that Nebraska has passed them as well...

Gulo Blue

September 9th, 2011 at 7:45 PM ^

Bill: Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant. The truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super band until we have Eddie Van Halen on guitar.
Ted: Yes, Bill. But, I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen until we have a triumphant video.
Bill: Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we even have decent instruments.
Ted: Well, how can we have decent instruments when we don't really even know how to play?
Bill: That is why we NEED Eddie Van Halen!
Ted: And THAT is why we need a triumphant video.