Dear Diary Adds to the Wood Bling

Submitted by Seth on August 30th, 2013 at 12:07 PM

First some housekeeping things:

One: Meet the new tshirts:

Chicken_4C_T_1024x10241784_21_inch_rubber_chicken_1__96610.1375991605.400.400

The chicken one is a LIMITED EDITION we're printing just for this game, since afterwards there won't be any more of the cluckers around to show it to. We will be collecting orders and shipping out on 9/3. After 9/3 we will print limited run extra but then when we are out we are out, so get on that now. Also recommended: bringing rubber chickens to that game (we're not responsible if they get confiscated.)

Two: Reminder: Next Friday at MGoTailgate (on Berkeley across from the stadium), free beer, meet Marlin Jackson and others, learn things, be social.

On with the show.

There are just…

IMG_3915 plus-sign-md Fuller - Ross2

…and-a-half hours until Michigan football. As such the users have gone into their regular pre-season epic content production mode. Let's just get right to it starting with Diarist of the Week and personal favorite MCalibur.

Wait, first let's do Things You're Not Allowed to See. The first rule of Fall Camp is what happens in Fall Camp stays in Fall Camp, unless some dude spills the beans to his friend and he puts it in a diary and we confirm things like Garder==awesome, Fitz==awesome, Butt==feasible in a Funchess-last-year kind of way, OL looks like 1997's, DL depth charts are deep, Wilson is still learning, kicking==good.

Also the first rule of Mott Scrimmage is what happens at Mott Scrimmage stays at Mott Scrimmage (unless someone writes it up as a Diary that pretty much saw everything I saw). Speaking of scrimmages reshp1 went and UFR'd everything from the scrimmage featured in Countdown to Kickoff last week.

Also also the first rule of Camp Michigania is what happens at Michigania is really boring and I don't want to hear it. Anyway I can already see everything you did because it's on your kid's activity bling:

Michigania

Yes, Lizzie has been cited for improper logo use and will serve a three-game 'timeout'

Wait, Lloyd? Okay I'm sorry;  tell me tell me tell me tell me!!!! Now on to MCalibur.

[…after the jump. Also after the jump: Gardner footwork analysis, Dave Brandon's rape noodle, and other stuff]

Things That Win Championships. Wait, back up. Remember how I've been on about how yardage margin is the next godliest thing to scoring margin in saying "this team is actually this good"? Okay on to MCalibur:


LumpedOneFactor

The blue triangles are BCS title game participants. Like in Moneyball, college football's (two-team) playoff is nearly a crapshoot, subject to the same chaos as any miniscule sample. Getting there is about moving the ball and preventing your opponent from doing so. In the area of the largest sample this is almost completely linear with wins; it tails off at the top because low sample and because you're down to just a few things going wrong.

2011YPPPoint_zps2d985680Even in small samples LSAClassof2000 found the tempo-free yardage differentials walk alongside points differential so well they're even predictable. Defense doesn't win championships. Punting isn't the most important part of the game. Great teams play better offense and defense, and care only for the lamentation of their women.

Except when turnovers get involved. That was MCalibur's too. See what I mean about DotW?

Gardner's Feet. Some of the great diaries start off as long responses to something on the front page, then end up a board post because they're gone off on a tangent, then end up a diary because it's standalone awesome. Thus is the story of Space Coyote's response to the QB preview regarding Devin's supposedly improved footwork.

Wallpapers. Three from monuMental using his cover art from HTTV:

michigan-football-schedule-wallpaper-2013-hail-lewan-thumb

And another from jonvalk.

UM_DREAMCATCHER_SCHEDULE

Etc. Get your Pick Six picks in today. Also crowded front page means you may have missed OFFICIAL CONTENT season preview diaries from Mathlete (teams he's buying and selling) and jamiemac (the gamblers' preview).

Best of the Board

DAVE BRANDON IS CREATING THE FUTURE AND IT HAS A RAPE NOODLE

photo (11)

I promised nothing inside the stadium.

You know that photo people are always taking in front of the scoreboard and the dais because it's the cleanest and coolest shot to say "LOOK WERE I AM RIGHT NOW, FACEBOOK!"? It now has a rape noodle in front of it, supposedly just like the one at Wrigley Field.

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Yes, Michigan fans, you may say you don't like advertising but I know what's in your slutty little hearts, and that's a craving for a food that is literally the nutritional equivalent of having Cheeze-Its for dinner. And for me to have more money. That's why you're here, right?

For clarification: having to deal with advertising in annoying places is nothing like rape.

Also for clarification something you came up with in three seconds on the way home from Michigania is not a "Tradition".

OW STOP PUNCHING MY WALLET IN THE BAD PLACE

Speaking of handing money over to the athletic department, ouch ticket prices indeed, but at least we get something close to what we're paying for (plus rape noodles). Iowa is 9th in the country and right with the rest of us in pricing their season like it's the NFL. Their home schedule this year: Northern Illinois, Missouri State, Western Michigan, Michigan State, Northwestern, Wisconsin, Michigan. Predicted wins: Mizzou St and WMU.

THE WORDS TO THE VICTORS:

MGoSoftball wants to know if you're bothered to learn the words other than the chorus. They are (as I learned them):

Now for a cheer they are here, triumphant!!!
Here they come with banners flying...
Something something something buying...
Something somethin we're goodbyeing...
WE HURRAH! HURRAH for Michigan.

Oh hmmm dmmmm ddmmmm da na da da daah
Dum dum dee dum da da da da dah.
Dum hmmm hmmm hmmm hjmmm
WE HURRAH! HURRAH for Michigan.

So NOW We are szaymisjvrai hmmmhurrah mff hmmmm
NOW we are hmmmmmvrazjah oh here we come with banners flying
HERE WE COME! Hurr-AH.

HAIL! ...

Oh shush, you. I know (two) verses to Take Me Out to the Ballgame; can I sing that?

UPDATE: MAJOR OMISSION:

EGD wrote a mini-HTTV.

HYPE VIDEOS

It's Michigan. Fergodsakes.

ETC. Kids these days can't run worth shit. The Pahokee guys will be out and about tomorrow. Borges Tarot cards (?). Basketball gets a commitment from female Derrick Walton (ie similar rankings, scouting profile). Eric's annual reminder of the Ufer way to start a season.

Your Moment of Zen

What else would it be?

Comments

Zone Left

August 30th, 2013 at 12:37 PM ^

*Two* verses to Take Me Out to the Ballgame? Communist LIES! Next thing you'll tell me is that the last two words to the National Anthem aren't "Play Ball," aren't you Comrade?

Seth

August 30th, 2013 at 12:42 PM ^

Not sure I have it right but:

One:

Katie Casey was baseball mad,
Had a fever and had it bad,
Just to root for the hometown crew; every soo*, Katie blew.

Came one Saturday he young beau
Said to Kate 'Would you like to go
...to the Theater?' She said 'No!
I'll tell you what you can do....'

[Chorus]

* I think this means "cent"

Two:

Katie made it to all the games
Knew the players by their first names
Always knew when to cheer them on
All along, good and strong.

When the score was tied 2 to 2
Katie, she knew just what to do
said "Come on you boys, now don't be blue,
It's time to sing our song!"

[Chorus]

My baby nephew loves this.

matty blue

August 30th, 2013 at 1:17 PM ^

but i'm moving on to #diedavebrandon.

man, this pisses me off.  the guy will LITERALLY NOT SAY NO TO ANYTHING that gives him twenty bucks and a bag of empty beer cans.  because nothing says "michigan football" like fucking kraft macaroni and cheese. 

what a dumbass.

Yo_Blue

August 30th, 2013 at 1:53 PM ^

Is Brandon putting a warning sign on the noodle ala Wrigley?  If not, I may have to sue for damages.  What works best?

"I was raped by Brandon's noodle."

"I broke my <fill in the blank> falling off Brandon's slippery noodle."

"I feel discriminated by Brandon's noodle because I can't compete/compare."