Big Ten Coaches Ranked By Attractiveness, From The Perspective Of Walruses

Submitted by Brian on December 7th, 2012 at 9:43 AM

[ED: flight limits available time today but this is probably the best thing ever so yeah.]

Some time ago, Catlab released… well… this.

I have watched it dozens of times, and now I will render judgment on which Big Ten coaches could hypothetically scrape out a living as a call-walrus (callrus?) in a dystopian future like Planet of the Apes, except with walruses.

This is important. I will brook no dissent, commenters.

1. JERRY KILL, MINNESOTA

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Already the species' best bet at seducing an intergalactic gopher bent on enslaving earth, Jerry Kill doubles as Walrus Olivia Wilde. Missed his calling as black ops animal kingdom Al Qaeda infiltrator. Ooooh la la.

2. BRET BIELEMA, WISCONSIN

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I LIKE BIG FACE AND I CANNOT LIE
YOU OTHER WALRII CAN'T DENY
WHEN A BRET WALKS IN WITH AN ITTY BITTY EYE AND THAT ROUND CHIN IN  YOUR FACE
YOU GET

I DON'T KNOW

YOU GARRUMP AND ROLL AROUND AND MAYBE TUSK SOMETHING

WHATEVER WALRUSES DO

AND THEN YOU SAY YOU WERE GREAT BABY AND LEAVE TO GO SEDUCE SOME PIGS

LITERALLY PIGS

I DON'T GET IT EITHER

3. BILL O'BRIEN, PENN STATE

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Soulful blue walrus eyes, and a chin-dimple for days.

4. BRADY HOKE, MICHIGAN

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Finishes second to Kill in luxurious goiter, but lacks the crazy beady eyes of Bielema. Starting every sentence with "well" a downside in super slo-mo walrusland because it takes him forever to ask for a sandwich, or tell you your tusks are pearlescent in the surf.

5. DANNY HOPE, PURDUE

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The tusky mustache of course, but Hope's rather blocky appearance hurts him when we're talking about a species that is way into bulging curves, I mean I guess it's not like I have a machine I made that allows me to type in any species and get a detailed profile of their proclivities.

Seriously, I don't have one. Who would make something like that.

6. KEVIN WILSON, INDIANA

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If such a machine existed—it does not—it would probably say that what Kevin Wilson brings in the curvy department he does not bring in the naughty bad boy department. I mean, a walrus wants a thrill and Kevin Wilson is all hanging out being stable with his two years of service in Bloomington. Eyes naturally wander to the drifters populating the rest of whatever that division is called.

Seriously the machine does not exist.

ACTUAL WALRUS DIVIDING LINE

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MARK DANTONIO, MICHIGAN STATE

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Would have better luck with marmosets, lemurs, and bible-thumping hypocrites. The machine is just a figment of your imagination.

PAT FITZGERALD, NORTHWESTERN

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You're just trying too hard, Fitzgerald.

9. KIRK FERENTZ, IOWA

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Not even trying, and it shows, on the field, in commercials, and at the walrus brothel.

10. TIM BECKMAN, ILLINOIS (FOR NOW)

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Gives off too much of a skeevy serial killer vibe for any species. Forehead is a phrenology nightmare indicating several extreme proclivities that cannot be repeated lest they summon the Great Old Ones.

11. URBAN MEYER, OHIO STATE

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Fact: Urban Meyer is impervious to video transform filters, and has no reflection.

12. BO PELINI, NEBRASKA

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The transformation actually increased Bo Pelini's attractiveness to humans, but that doesn't mean either species is chasing that.

Comments

GOLBOGM

December 7th, 2012 at 10:05 AM ^

Best post ever!

I will randomely be laughing hours or days from now as those images and "in the weight room, in the community..." randomely pops in my head...

His Dudeness

December 7th, 2012 at 10:23 AM ^

Is that really the coach of IU? I seriously have no idea. I thought it was still the gum throw guy. Is that the gum throw guy? Who is Kevin Wilson?

Also, Bo Pelini is looking good these days. Did his nose lose weight?

ssuarez

December 7th, 2012 at 12:31 PM ^

I think that he should have plastic surgery to replace his current weak jaw with this one. Expanding it by 100% (as was done here) makes it look like the size of a normal mans jaw.

BlueDragon

December 7th, 2012 at 1:37 PM ^

So...we've ranked the attractiveness of ten surviving B~0 coaches and two outcasts in a walrus-populated universe. Guess I don't feel so bad about making open threads for MAC games.