The Big Rodriguez

Submitted by Brian on November 3rd, 2008 at 3:10 PM

This post owes much to Black Heart, Gold Pants and The Big Lebowski. It also contains swears, because the Big Lebowksi does.

brian_cook

I am enjoying this beverage.

 

 

lloyd-carr

Into the limo, you sonofabitch, no arguments.

 

 

brian_cook

Hey, there's a beverage here!

 

 

INSIDE

Brian is shoved in and awkwardly takes a seat facing the rear. The door is slammed behind him.

bill-martin

Start talking and talk fast, you lousy bum!

 

 

lebowski_simour_1

We've been frantically trying to reach you, EBay.

 

 

bill-martin

  Where are my goddamn wins, you bum?

 

 

brian_cook

Well… we, I don't…

 

 

bill-martin

They did not receive the wins, you nitwit! They did not receive the goddamn wins. OUR STREAK WAS IN YOUR HANDS.

 

 

lebowski_simour_1

This is our concern, EBay.

 

 

brian_cook

No, man… nothing is fucked here, just…

 

 

bill-martin

NOTHING IS FUCKED? THE GODDAMN PLANE HAS CRASHED INTO THE MOUNTAIN.

 

brian_cook

Come on, man, just give it some time. We'll get the wins, it'll just take some time.

 

bill-martin

WE?

 

 

brian_cook

I—the royal we, you know, the fan we—he'll get the wins, exactly as specified—look, I've got certain information. Certain things have come to light, and, uh, has it ever occurred to you that instead of running around blaming Rich that this whole thing might just be, not, you know just such a simple, but uh—you know?

bill-martin

What in God's holy name are you blathering about?

 

 

brian_cook

I'll tell you what I'm blathering about! I got information—new shit has come to light—and, shit, man… we started a walk-on at quarterback!

 

bill-martin

   … …

 

 

brian_cook

Well, sure, look at it! Ridiculously young offense, gives turnovers all over town, including to known Domers—and that's cool, that's cool—but I'm saying, he needs time, and of course they're going to say he doesn't need any because they gotta feed the monkey—I mean, hasn't that ever occurred to you? Sir?

bill-martin

No. No, Mr. EBays, that had not occurred to me.

 

 

brian_cook

Well, okay, you're not privy to all the new shit, so, uh, you know, that's what you read me for. Speaking of, would it be possible to get some comped Rose Bowl tickets? I'm just worried with the demand and all…

 

bill-martin

Brandt, give him the envelope.

 

 

brian_cook

Well, okay, if you've got them right here.

 

 

lebowski_simour_1

We received it this morning.

 

 

bill-martin

Since you have failed to achieve, even on the modest EBay that is your site, since you have stolen my wins, and since you have unrepentantly betrayed my trust…

 

brian_cook

 

[opens envelope, looks inside]

 

george-perles

DEAR MICHIGAN FOOTBALL PROGRAM,

It is our deepest regret to inform you that you are not qualified to take on the third-place MAC team in Detroit. We are probably going with Wofford instead.

Sincerely,

motor-city

bill-martin

…I have no choice but to tell these EBay bums that they should do whatever is necessary to recover their bowl streak from you, Brian of EBay. And with Brandt as my witness, tell you this: any further harm visited on my program will be visited tenfold upon your head.

By God, sir, I will not abide another Motor City Bowl rejection letter.

INT. COFFEE SHOP

The EBay and Michael sit at the counter, both staring off into space, both absently stirring their coffee with little clinking noises.

fbl-coach-gittleson_90

You want a bowl? I can get you a bowl. There are ways, EBay, you don't want to know about it.

 

 

brian_cook

Do they involve eating two large pizzas every night?

 

 

fbl-coach-gittleson_90

Goddamn right.

 

 

brian_cook

Goodbye, Gittleson.

Comments

Coloblue

November 3rd, 2008 at 4:04 PM ^

Good stuff, Brian.  The best thing about your blog is that it is sane - and pretty damned funny from time to time.

I take a back seat to no one in my love for Michigan, although I think I'm on a pretty crowded seat.  I want it to be the best in all dimensions, school by school, team by team and, for present purposes, fan by fan.

RichRod came from a place where the fans didn't and don't have the self confidence to look either forward or inward.  The ones that went public looked insane - right up to the governor.  We don't want to be like them or like their insane cousins in Columbus or any other school that can't win with at least a little dignity and lose with at least a little grace.

Coach Rich is going to coach Michigan for a long time, and he's going to win for a long time.  He's off to a shitty start.  Tough.  Look at the quality of the man (high) and the nature of the challenge (large).  We could go on losing 3-5 games a year forever, go to bowls on that basis, have a long future of "winning" seasons.  We already decided we didn't want that.  Everything had to change.  This is part of it.

Again, Brian, thanks for your considerable contribution to sanity and at least a little dignity in a tough situation.

Md23Rewls

November 4th, 2008 at 12:10 AM ^

I feel hopelessly lost in the Big Lebowski quote fest. Rules and regulations and mark it zero have been taken and I can't work in a rug tying the room together joke. I really need to see a DVD version of the movie instead of the cable cut.

OzWolverine

November 4th, 2008 at 7:36 AM ^

Michigan Football and The Big Lebowski...how to combine two of my favourite things....

 

"That Rod really tied the room together"

"The man in the red sweater vest, a worthy F'n adversary"

"My only hope is the big Rodriguez kills me before the Buckeyes cut my dick off"